A Family to Come Home To (Saddle Falls) (16 page)

Hannah couldn’t bear to even think about that day.

Riley was only five and didn’t understand the rules of life; didn’t understand that just wanting something—loving someone—didn’t make things turn out all right.

Hannah knew it better than anyone, and had vowed to protect herself from ever being so naive again.

With a sigh, Hannah realized she couldn’t deny that her feelings for Jesse went beyond friendship. Up until now she hadn’t been able to acknowledge her own feelings, let alone accept them.

But now, watching him with her daughter, knowing he was leaving, knowing he would leave both her and Riley devastated, Hannah realized she had to do something.

Perhaps it was too late to rescue her own heart.

But she had to protect her daughter’s.

She was going to have to talk to him, she realized. She was going to have to tell him that as much as she loved having him spend time with her and Riley, as much as loved his presence, his touch, she didn’t think it was a good idea for him to spend any more time with them simply because of the situation.

He was leaving, there was no doubt about that. He’d reiterated that many times so there would be no doubt. She had no choice now but to tell him that he couldn’t spend so much time with Riley. Or with her.

The thought made Hannah’s wary heart ache in a way that almost brought on a physical pain unlike anything in memory. Watching Jesse with her daughter she realized that she was going to have to hurt the two people she cared about most in the world, and in the end, hurt herself as well.

T
ommy glanced up from his morning newspaper. “Aye, Jesse, my boy, you’re up early,” he said with a slight frown as Jesse wandered into the kitchen.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Jesse admitted with a shrug, rubbing his tired, bleary eyes.

Setting his coffee cup down, Tommy carefully looked at his grandson.

“Something troubling you, lad?” He’d not pushed the boy, letting him adjust at his own pace, feeling that would be best if the lad was ever going to feel comfortable with the clan and his place in it.

Jesse shrugged, grabbed a coffee mug from the cabinet and poured himself some coffee, turning to Tommy with a sheepish grin.

“It’s Riley’s first day of school,” he admitted with another shrug of his shoulders. “I guess I’m as nervous as she is,” he said with a chuckle as he sat down at the kitchen table and took a sip of his coffee.

“Aye,” Tommy said with a nod and understanding smile. “Firsts are always a time for worry, Jesse.” He glanced at his grandson. “No matter your age, nerves flutter the first time you do anything.”

Jesse sipped his coffee, wondering if Tommy was only talking about Riley. Or about him as well. Obviously he’d been nervous coming here for the first time, but it was only natural, he supposed, considering the circumstances.

“But I’m sure the little lass will do fine.” Tommy picked up the cigar smoldering in the ashtray and took a puff. “You know, lad, Hannah’s done a fine, fine job with her little girl.” Tommy grinned as he took a sip of coffee. “Hannah’s like my own daughter, Jesse. Had I had a daughter, I would have wanted her to be just like Hannah. She’s a strong woman with a heart as big as the ocean.” Tommy chuckled. “And as proud and loyal as any of the Ryan clan, with a strong stubborn streak in the way that women have.” Tommy winked at him. “If you know what I mean.”

Jesse laughed. He thought about Hannah for a moment, and couldn’t help the smile that filtered over his face. “Hannah has that little feminine stubborn streak you’re talking about, I reckon.”

“Aye, I agree, lad.” Tommy hesitated, puffing thoughtfully on his cigar. “Being a single mother, Jesse, why, it’s a difficult chore at best. It’s not easy raising a child alone.”

“I know,” Jesse said, still thinking about Hannah and how incredible she was. In some ways she reminded him of Grace Garland in her devotion to Riley.

Leaning forward, Tommy laid a hand on his grandson’s arm. He’d not spoken to the boy about the woman who’d raised him as her own. He felt the lad needed some time to get used to the clan again, to find his footing and his proper place. And Tommy wasn’t certain yet that the lad had done that. But still, he felt the need to speak of things now.

“Jesse, in spite of what you think, I’m heartily indebted to Grace Garland for taking care of you for so many years.” Stunned by the abrupt change in subject, Jesse’s gaze shifted to Tommy’s. “A woman alone, I’m sure it wasn’t an easy time for her. I was sorry to hear of her passing, son. Truly. And I want you to know I understand the love and loyalty you feel toward her.” Tommy smiled at Jesse’s look of surprise. “Without her, who knows how things would have turned out.” Tommy hesitated, then shrugged. “And I hope, lad, you know that coming back here to your clan, your family, well, it has nothing to do with the love you have for Grace Garland. Aye, nothing at all. The love in your heart is that of a son for a mother, as it should be,” Tommy said. “She
was
your mother during the years it most mattered.” Tommy hesitated, watching his grandson carefully. “But love is a funny thing, Jesse, as is loyalty. It’s like when you have a second child. You can’t possibly imagine loving another wee one as much as you love the first, and you wonder at times how you’ll do it, fearing you’ll be unfair to the new addition.” Tommy grinned. “But aye, when that new babe is born, it’s as if the love in your heart grows and multiplies so there’s always plenty enough to go around.”

Jesse searched his grandfather’s eyes. “Tommy, I don’t reckon I’m sure what you’re saying,” he admitted, wanting, needing to understand.

Tommy blew out a breath, then set his cigar in the ashtray so he could meet his grandson’s intense gaze. He laid his hands over Jesse’s. “What I’m saying, lad, is not to feel guilty for loving Grace Garland, or for feeling loyalty toward her. It’s a natural thing, considering. And don’t think that if you love her, you can’t love us.” Tommy shrugged again. “We’re all your family, Jesse. All of us. Me, Grace Garland, your brothers. A family isn’t just about blood ties, lad. Look at Hannah. I couldn’t love her more if she were my blood. Love is what makes a family, Jesse, my boy. And I would never want you to forsake your feelings for Grace because of us. Nay, that’s not expected at all,” Tommy said with a firm shake of his head. “It’s not a question of choosing one over the other, lad, or loving one over the other, but more a question of simply sharing your love and your loyalty with all those who love you.”

Jesse couldn’t hide his surprise. He’d been absolutely certain that by coming here he would somehow be forced to distance himself from the only mother he’d ever known or remembered. He knew that he could never do that, not without feeling disloyal, something which he didn’t think he could bear.

Now Tommy was telling him it was okay to keep his memories and his love of his mother and yet still be a Ryan.

He could be exactly who he needed to be, whoever he truly was, without forsaking his feelings for anyone.

He felt a burden lift off his aching heart and every muscle in his body, every muscle that had been tensed since he began this journey, finally, blissfully relaxed. The ache he’d carried in his heart from the moment Grace had told him the truth seemed to heal over. Yes, there were still scars, there probably always would be, but they would heal as well he knew.

In time. As Hannah had told him. He just needed to give things time.

“Thanks, Tommy,” Jesse said, his voice husky with emotion. “I…I want you to know how much that means to me. Love and loyalty aren’t just words to me, but part of me, like the blood running through my veins. And for whatever Grace Garland did or didn’t do, she loved me more than anything in the world. And I know that. I always knew it. In her heart I was her son.”

“And she was your mother, lad. I understand that.” Tommy’s smile was wistful. “There’s something fierce about a mother’s love, and a mother isn’t only one who gives birth, lad. Nay, a mother is one who loves and cares for a child without selfishness, who does what’s best for the babe no matter what the situation.” He shrugged. “Grace Garland did what she thought was best.”

“You’re not angry with her?” Jesse asked in surprise.

Tommy’s smile was slow. “Angry? Nay, lad. I can’t say that anger’s the right word. Grateful she took care of you, raised you as she did. She had other choices, lad. Good choices and bad choices, but she chose the only one she could live with, the one that was best for her. It’s all each of us can expect from ourselves, and when we make our choices, aye, we’ve got to live with them. And I’ll be eternally grateful that she made the choice she did.” Tommy shook his head. “If she’d chosen not to keep you, son, the outcome could have been far different had you been left with that scoundrel brother of hers. You could have been in a great deal of danger, but Grace loved you enough to protect you, to keep you safe, to love and raise you as her own. So how could I be angry?” Tommy patted Jesse’s hand. “Nothing is more important than family, Jesse. Nothing.” Tommy smiled, then cocked his head to look at his grandson. “Now, if I can pry into my grandson’s life…?”

Jesse laughed, then sipped his coffee, feeling more at ease than he had since he’d left Texas. “Pry away, Tommy.”

Taking a puff on his cigar, Tommy was thoughtful before turning to Jesse. “So how is it you’ve never married, lad? Never had a family of your own?”

Jesse laughed, fingering his coffee mug. “Guess I didn’t really have time and I guess I just haven’t met the right woman.” He didn’t think it necessary to go into the problem he had about letting people get emotionally close to him. Tommy was so open, so loving, he wasn’t sure the old man would be able to understand.

“’Twas a time I felt as if I’d never marry, either,” Tommy said softly, watching Jesse through a haze of cigar smoke.

“You?” Jesse laughed, then shook his head. “I have a hard time imagining you not married, Tommy, considering the way you feel about family.” Tommy’s feelings had been quite clear in each and every one of his letters, as well as during every conversation they’d had since he’d arrived.

“Aye, yes, boy, but you see, it’s not just marrying a lass, son, it’s finding the
right
lass that makes all the difference.” Tommy glanced up at his grandson, his coffee forgotten for the moment. “Now take Hannah for instance. I thought for certain she and one of your brothers would end up together.” Tommy laughed. “In fact, I would have wagered a good portion of my wealth on it. And I would have lost,” he admitted with a chuckle.

Jesse glanced up at his grandfather, wondering why he felt a stab of jealousy at the thought of Hannah with another man. Even if it was one of his own brothers.

Thoughtfully, Tommy pulled out his slim gold lighter and relit his cigar. “But I’m afraid, lad, there was no chemistry there except for the brotherly kind.” Eyes twinkling, he smiled at Jesse. “And I’m afraid, for a wife or a marriage, that won’t do.”

Curious, Jesse listened to his grandfather thoughtfully. Tommy let out a sigh. “It’s a shame Hannah’s not met the right man and married, for the lass was meant for family.” Tommy glanced up, a quick grin on his lips. “It’s not been for lack of interest though, I can tell you that,” he added with a laugh, causing Jesse to feel another, stronger spurt of jealousy. “Half the men in this county have shown an interest, but Hannah’s rebuffed them all.” Tommy shook his head. “Something happened years ago that frightened the lass terribly, I’m afraid. And when a woman’s had a disappointment from a man, it tends to make her as shy and scared as a newborn filly.” Lifting his coffee, which was now cold, Tommy sipped carefully. “’Tis a shame that such a fine lass hasn’t found her match yet. For it would be a lucky man to claim Hannah’s heart.”

“What’s going on?” Jake asked, stumbling bleary-eyed through the back door. He headed for an empty chair and dropped down into it, scrubbing his hands over his face and wishing for a few more hours of sleep.

“It’s Riley’s first day of school,” Jesse said, getting up to pour Jake a mug of coffee, then sliding it across the table to him. He refilled his own cup as he turned with a shrug. “I couldn’t sleep.”

With a nod of understanding, Jake lifted a hand in gratitude, then closed his eyes and sipped quietly, letting out a healthy sigh of relief as the caffeine poured through his system, jolting him into consciousness.

“Caffeine,” Jake muttered. “Definitely gets the heart going.” He glanced up at Jesse feeling more awake and more human. “Riley’s first day of school, huh?” He grinned. “I’ve got a few more years to go for that.”

Jesse shrugged. “I figured I’d go over and see her off. Maybe give Hannah some moral support.”

“Sounds like a fine plan to me,” Tommy said with a smile.

“Tommy?” Jesse frowned a bit. “Do you by chance have any tools I can borrow?”

“Tools?” Tommy spread his hands out. “On a spread this size, lad, we’ve got enough tools to stock a major city hardware store, if Jared is to be believed.” He grinned. “Anything here is yours, lad, to do with what you want.”

“Planning on doing some work?” Jake asked, getting up to refill his coffee.

“Morning,” Jared mumbled, coming into the kitchen, a fussy baby nestled on his hip. Without a word, he headed toward the coffeepot, pouring himself a cup, then automatically reached for a teething biscuit in a jar for his son. J.J. was teething and fussy as an old cow.

Smiling in sympathy, Jesse pulled out a chair for Jared, which he gratefully sank into.

“Morning,” Josh said cheerfully as he came in the back door, looking fresh and crisp in a three-piece gray suit and a blindingly white dress shirt.

Jake scowled at him and sat down. “Do you have to be so chipper in the morning?” he growled, taking in his brother’s clothing. “And how can you smile when you’ve got a noose tied around your neck every morning?”

“Well, good morning to you, too,” Josh said, giving Jake a whack on the back of the head as he went to pour his own cup of coffee. He dragged out a chair and sat down at the table. It had become a ritual since Jesse had arrived for all of them to head to Tommy’s for coffee in the morning.

“So what’s everybody up to today?” Josh asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Same as always,” Jared muttered, picking up the teething biscuit J.J. had let fly across the kitchen. “Chores. And more chores,” he said with a laugh. “I’ve got the vet coming this afternoon to check on that new heifer. A fence along the south perimeter is down, and then there’re the repairs to the henhouse.” Jared shrugged, then grinned, handing his son back his teething biscuit. “The usual, like I said.”

Jake drained his coffee cup, then sighed. “I’ve got another day of heavy negotiations with this lawyer over in Lawford. He’s representing the owner of a piece of prime land that I think would make a fine addition to our holdings.” Jake blew out a breath. “But they’re hanging tough.”

Josh frowned. “Jake, haven’t you been working on that for weeks?”

Jake nodded. “Like I said, another day of heavy negotiations.”

“Well, if you need some help or reinforcements, let me know.” Josh hunched forward, wrapping his hands around his coffee mug. “I’ve got to meet with the prospective tenants of the old Saddle Falls movie theater. Someone’s finally interested in leasing the building, so I set up a meeting for later this morning.” He frowned. “Then I’ve got to get all the leases prepared. All the tenants who rent offices in the hotel building are coming up for renewal. So I’ve got a full day as well.” Josh looked at Jesse. “So what do you have planned for the day?”

“Well, I was just asking Tommy if he had some tools I could borrow. I thought I’d go over and do some work on Hannah’s house. It’s sorely in need of some maintenance, and I know she doesn’t have the time, the tools or the money to take care of it.” Jesse shrugged. “So as long as I’ve got some free time, I thought I’d put it to good use.”