A Family to Come Home To (Saddle Falls) (12 page)

“Come on, darlin’,” Jesse said, leaning down to whisper in Hannah’s ear as his fingers tightened around her waist, drawing her even closer to tenderly brush his lips against her temple, sending a chill racing through her. The temptation to lean into him, against him, to quiet some of the longings that had been building each day since the moment she’d laid eyes on him was strong. But she resisted them. Barely.

“It’ll be fun,” Jesse promised. “And I promise to keep you safe.” He laughed when she gave him a wild look. “Hey, you’re gonna bruise my masculinity, here.” Eyes twinkling, Jesse grinned. “Most women would feel safe with a big guy like me.”

She laughed. “I’m sure, Jesse, but I’m not most women.” The moment the words were out, she regretted them, realizing how they sounded. She wasn’t angry or bitter, simply realistic. Most women had been able to trust and lean on a man at some time in their life. Either a father, a boyfriend, a husband. Her father had never been around long enough to lean on, and when he was around, he was too busy with his far flung business interests and his concern with impressing his friends to pay any attention to his daughters. And the only boyfriend, if you could call him that, she’d ever had was Riley’s father, and she certainly couldn’t trust or depend on him for anything.

“Darlin’, I reckon that’s a real shame, then,” Jesse said quietly, realizing that his gut feeling that someone had hurt her deeply was probably right on target. Every protective instinct inside him, the instinct to protect one of your own, surged to the fore, surprising him.

The idea of someone hurting Hannah made his fists curl. Worse, the idea that she felt as if she had never been able to trust a man made him feel sad for her.

Although he wanted to know everything about her past, he decided now wasn’t the time to pry. Not with Riley sitting within earshot. He was a patient man. He could wait. But he made a note to ask Hannah about it the next time they were alone.

“Well, darlin’, I guess you’re gonna have to learn that there are some men in this world you can trust.” His gaze, somber, steady and oh-so-reassuring, met hers. “Remember what I told you that first day in your backyard?” he asked quietly.

“I remember,” she admitted dismally, realizing just how her response had sounded. “That you don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“That’s right, darlin’.” Cocking his head, he looked at her. “Don’t you believe me?” he asked at the look on her face.

“No. I mean I believe you, Jesse, but…but—”

“But what?”

“If I get sick, Jesse Ryan, I swear I’m going to strangle you,” she muttered as he laughed.

“Come on, darlin’.” He pressed a kiss to her temple. “I promise you’ll be safe and it’ll be fun.” He drew back and looked at her for a long moment. “I would never let anything happen to you, Hannah-Anna,” he whispered. “You’re safe as long as you’re with me.” He ran a finger down her nose then grinned. “And that, darlin’, is a promise.”

Too stunned to respond, Hannah let him take her hand to lead her to the line waiting for a ride on the Ferris wheel.

“I always wanted to kiss a pretty girl while sitting atop one of these things,” Jesse admitted as the attendant carefully strapped the three of them into the first empty swinging seat.

“Uncle Jesse, you can kiss me,” Riley offered, nearly bouncing in her seat in excitement and lifting her face for his kiss. He laughed and obliged by planting a loud kiss on her cheek.

“Can I kiss you again when we get to the top?” he asked, nuzzling his nose against hers.

“Yep.” Riley grinned, craning her neck to see as much as possible, wiggling in her seat and making the entire thing sway back and forth. Hannah gritted her teeth tightly together, praying her stomach would stop swaying and dipping, fearing everything in it was about to reappear.

Eyes wide with adoration, Riley grinned. “You can kiss me anytime, Uncle Jesse.”

Jesse draped an arm around Riley as well as Hannah, drawing both of them close until they were pressed against them. “Well, darlin’, I do believe I’ll take you up on your offer.” He was looking at Hannah when he said it. His mouth was inviting and more than tempting. If she closed her eyes she could actually remember the feel of his lips against hers. The taste of him. The strength of his arms as he wrapped them around her, pulling her close to the hardness of that incredible body.

Hannah wanted to groan in frustration. She was flushed, warm, and if this ride didn’t get going pretty soon, she was going to jump out of her skin in anticipation, not certain if it was from the fear of the ride or the fear of knowing Jesse was going to kiss her again.

It meant nothing, she assured herself, turning to stare out over the parking lot. In the past week, Jesse had kissed her numerous times, but as a friend, she told herself. Nothing more. He’d kissed Rebecca, Emma, and Natalie, she thought.

But not quite the same way he’d kissed her, she had to admit.

But she wasn’t about to read anything into it. Jesse was just being…friendly. That’s all, she reasoned. No use borrowing something to worry about when she had plenty of real things to worry about.

With a jerk that almost had her fighting for freedom, the ride started and Hannah gripped the handlebar tightly, trying not to let the fear inside her show.

“Relax, darlin’, I promise you’re safe,” Jesse whispered, turning to her, hating the fear he saw in her eyes and realizing how little trust she had. For him. For everyone. And he couldn’t help but wonder what on earth, or who on earth, had put that fear into her.

“Easy for you to say,” she muttered, clinging tighter to the bar and leaning into him. He was strong and steady, and he wasn’t…moving. At the moment it was something to be grateful for.

“Look, Mama, I could almost see our house.” Riley pointed, her arm extending out of the swinging seat, and Hannah’s heart plunged.

“Riley, please, keep your hands inside.”

“Careful, darlin’,” Jesse whispered in Hannah’s ear. “You’re going to frighten her. If she senses your fear, you’ll transmit it to her, and then she’ll be afraid of heights as well.”

“I…I…can’t help it,” Hannah admitted, giving him a woeful look as the ride slowly made its way around the cycle. She knew Jesse was right, but at the moment could do little about it. Struggling to look composed, Hannah scowled as the ground moved farther and farther away. “I hate heights.”

“Good thing you’re not any taller than you are then, darlin’,” he teased. “Or you’d be in big trouble.”

She laughed. She couldn’t believe it was possible to laugh when her stomach was in knots, her heart was tumbling, her nerves thrumming and her knuckles so white they hurt.

As the ride slowed, then finally stopped at the top, her eyes were clenched shut.

“Look, Mama, I can see all the way forever.”

She didn’t want to look. She wanted to get down and have the solid, stable,
stationary
ground underneath her. And she wasn’t ever leaving it again, she decided.

“Open your eyes, darlin’,” Jesse coaxed, his arm warm around her, his breath soft and feathering over her ear again, making her shiver. “It’s quite a spectacular sight.”

Clenching her teeth tightly together, Hannah forced herself to slowly open her eyes. Her breath caught. “It’s…beautiful,” she admitted, staring across the entire expanse of the town. The stark contrast of the stars sparkling like diamonds on fire against a black backdrop of sky was magical. The moon was high, a small sickle of white with shadows radiating off it as if it were a living, breathing thing. The entire town of Saddle Falls was spread out below, dazzling in display, making her heart ache with love for her home. “Just beautiful,” she said again, swallowing a lump.

“So are you,” Jesse whispered against her ear, nearly making her bolt out of the seat again. “So are you.” He pressed closer until his lips were trailing across her ear. “Can I have my kiss now that we’re at the top?” He drew back to gaze at her, grinning at the look of fear and bewilderment in her eyes. If he didn’t know better, he’d think she hadn’t been kissed before.

“Do I have to go on this thing again?” she asked suspiciously, not too proud to barter for a safer perch if necessary.

“Guess that depends on the kiss,” he teased, leaning forward to brush his lips seductively over hers. Slowly, back and forth until the heat built and Hannah wasn’t certain if her stomach was dipping from his kiss or from the ride.

“Jesse.” She drew back and laid a hand to his chest, more shaken than she could remember.

“My turn, Uncle Jesse,” Riley said.

“No, darlin’,” he said, turning to her with a smile. “It’s my turn.” He pointed a finger to his cheek. “Right here will be fine.” Riley leaned over and planted a loud kiss on his cheek, then blew it into a raspberry, making herself and Jesse giggle.

“Your turn, Mama.”

“What?” Hannah blinked at her daughter.

“It’s your turn to kiss Uncle Jesse,” Riley said, reaching out to grab the handlebar. She wiggled it and the car tipped forward a bit, nearly making Hannah screech.

“Riley, please,” Hannah said, pressing a hand to her tummy. “I’ll…I’ll kiss Uncle Jesse if you promise to sit still.” Hannah took a deep breath. “Perfectly still.”

Riley shrugged. “’Kay, Mama.”

Hannah fully intended to kiss his cheek, just as her daughter had, but at the last minute Jesse turned his head and her mouth caught his, just in the corner. It was like tasting only a tiny bit of forbidden fruit, making her long for a full, satisfying bite. Hannah did her best not to groan as Jesse’s arm tightened around her, bringing her close until her nipples hardened in response as he deepened the kiss. She could feel the soft, gentle touch of his tongue brushing against her lips, sending a hot, wicked thrill coursing through her.

Leaning into him, she clutched the front of his shirt, simply out of fear, she told herself, holding on to him in an effort to keep him close. When the ride jerked again as it started its descent downward—and backward—Hannah pulled back, breathless and stunned, to grip the handlebar for dear life.

“Uncle Jesse, do you like our town?” Riley asked.

Drawing both females closer to him, Jesse rested his head against Riley’s, as content as he could remember. “Well, darlin’, I reckon I do.”

“Lots?”

He laughed. Everything to this child was a degree of one extreme or the other. It totally amused him.

“Yes, darlin’, lots.” He glanced down at Hannah. “And I’m beginning to like it more and more.”

Delighted, Hannah lifted her head. “Does that mean—”

He cut her off with a quick kiss. “All that means is that I’m surely enjoying my time here.” He kissed her again, noting the disappointment in her eyes. “I’m here now, Hannah,” he said quietly. “Let’s just enjoy this moment, okay?”

Hannah simply stared at him for a moment, wondering how she was ever going to change his mind, get him to accept the Ryans as family and Saddle Falls as his home.

She didn’t know, but she realized she’d better figure out something, because she had a feeling time was running out.

“W
ould you like something to drink, Jesse?” Hannah asked, sinking onto the front step of her porch next to him. They’d walked home from the carnival with Jesse carrying a sleeping Riley in his arms.

It was a wonderful feeling to have friends and neighbors, people she’d known her whole life—people who’d also known Jesse as a boy, and knew what had happened to him—stop and say hello or wave. It was one of the things she’d always loved about living in a small town.

“No, thanks. I had enough food and drink at the carnival to last me a week.” He chuckled, then patted his flat stomach. “I can’t imagine where Riley puts everything,” he said with a shake of his head, turning to look at Hannah. In the quiet darkness of the night, the nearest streetlight was at least a quarter of a mile away, so it was as if they were cocooned in their own private world. Other than the stars above and the soft yellow porch light, it was dark and quiet.

Hannah was sitting directly under the soft yellow light and it shadowed the planes and angles of her face, drifting over her mouth, highlighting how beautiful she was.

“I’d swear she has a hollow leg, as my mama would have said,” Jesse observed.

Hannah’s face sobered for a moment at the mention of his mother. “You mean Grace Garland?” she asked carefully, and he shook his head.

“No, darlin’,” he said with a smile, touching her hand. “I meant my mother. My
real
mother,” he said softly.

“Jesse, you remembered her?” Hannah asked in some surprise.

He blew out a breath and turned to look at the dark, quiet street. “Yeah. One night Jared and I were talking. It was late, after everyone had gone to bed.” He smiled, remembering their conversation as he turned to her again. “I’d been looking at some pictures in my room, pictures from when I was a kid.” He shook his head. “It brought back some memories I’d never realized I had until then.”

“That’s wonderful, Jesse,” she said, more than pleased. Day by day he seemed to be remembering more and more. Hopefully, in time, he’d be able to remember everything, including the fact that Saddle Falls was his home. And the Ryans were and always would be his family.

“Yeah, darlin’, I reckon it is.” He lifted her hand, brought it to his lips for a gentle kiss, then held on to it, linking his fingers through hers. He had strong, fine hands. Large and masculine with a rough hint of calluses. Working-man’s hands, she thought.

“Jesse?”

“Yeah, darlin’?”

With a yawn of contentment, Hannah stretched out her legs. “Riley had a wonderful time tonight.” She gave his hand a squeeze, aware of the way her pulse was scrambling. “Thank you.”

“For what?” he asked in surprised, skimming a finger across her chin to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

Hannah glanced away, suddenly feeling self-conscious. “For being so wonderful with her. To her.”

“Darlin’, she’s an incredible little girl.” He chuckled. “I can’t imagine anyone not being wonderful to her.” He studied Hannah’s face, aware of the pulsing need of desire that had been simmering between them the past week.

“You know, you’re going to make a wonderful father,” she said quietly, almost immediately regretting the comment the moment it was out, not wanting him to misinterpret it.

“Well, I reckon it’s no secret I love kids,” he said with a smile.

She cocked her head to look at him. The amber glow from the light glanced off his face, shadowing it in softness. “Jesse, how come you’re not married?” She’d been thinking about it, wondering about it, and just had never found the time to ask him.

He shrugged. “Guess I never found the right woman.” His gaze was steady on hers, and for a moment she wondered if he’d deliberately tightened his hand on hers. The look on his face made her heart flip over. “And if the truth be told, I reckon I haven’t had much time to look. It was always just me and Ma, and she wasn’t one for too much socializing. I’ve always been a loner, I guess, not comfortable around a lot of people, and we kept mostly to ourselves. Growing up, it never occurred to me that might be odd. Now, of course, I understand the reason for it, but at the time it just seemed normal. Then the older I got, the more responsibility I took on at the ranch until I was running it full-time, especially the past few years since college.” Jesse shrugged. “And you know how time-consuming running a ranch is. Then Ma got sick, and well…” His voice trailed off and he glanced at Hannah sheepishly, wondering how she’d react to him calling Grace his mother. Especially after just referring to Janice Ryan as his mother. Dragging his free hand through his hair, Jesse realized his emotions were still a tangled mess. “I guess because I’d always been such a loner, growing up and all, it was real hard for me to let people—”

“You mean women,” she interjected with a smile. He nodded, then grinned.

“Yeah, women close to me.” He shrugged again. “I was engaged once,” he admitted. “But I realized that I just couldn’t seem to unlock my emotions and let them go, not even with her. I knew then I couldn’t marry her, it wouldn’t be fair or right.”

“What happened?” Hannah asked quietly, aching for Jesse and wondering how much of his blocked and locked emotions had to do with what had happened to him when he was five.

“I told her the truth.” His smile was wan. “She was not a happy camper, I’ll tell you that, but in the end I guess she realized it was for the best as well. She knew I was emotionally closed, or as she called it, ‘emotionally vacant,’ and for the life of me I couldn’t convince her it wasn’t her. It was me.” He turned to Hannah, a look of confusion on his face. “I don’t know why, Hannah. Truly. It’s just something inside me that locks up my emotions and I just can’t let them go, can’t seem to let people get close to me, nor can I let myself go and just…feel something deep for someone.”

“Jesse,” she began carefully, her heart aching for him. “Did you ever consider that maybe that was a result of what happened to you? The trauma of being torn from your family, your home and everything that was familiar when you were such a young boy?”

“It occurred to me,” he admitted. “The last few months at least. But you’ve got to remember, for most of my life I wasn’t even aware that I’d been kidnapped. Or that Grace Garland wasn’t my mother, my family. Or that I was someone else. So how would I be able to equate the two?”

“You’re right,” Hannah said with an understanding smile. No wonder he’d never been able to examine what might have been the cause for his emotional cautiousness. “So you never got involved with anyone else?”

He chuckled. “Now, I didn’t say that. I’m not a saint, Hannah, I like women as well as the next guy, but from that point on I made sure I didn’t let anyone think that I was ready to make any kind of emotional commitment. I told you, I don’t make promises I can’t keep.” He shrugged. “I just figured it was something inside me that wouldn’t allow me to let people close.”

“Now you know differently?” she asked quietly.

“I’m not sure,” he admitted honestly, knowing he’d let her and Riley closer than he’d ever let any woman—women—before. But for some reason it seemed perfectly natural, even normal. Certainly not something he was concerned about. Perhaps it was because Hannah was such an important part of his past, he reasoned. And she was familiar and comfortable.

“Since all this happened, Grace’s death, finding out about Tommy and the Ryans and everything else has been an emotional upheaval unlike anything I’ve ever known. So I can’t rightly say that it’s changed anything inside me because I honestly don’t know yet.” He smiled. “It hasn’t been put to the test so to speak.” He may recognize that he’d let Hannah and Riley close to him, but admitting it to her was not something he was comfortable with yet. It wasn’t anything he’d ever experienced before. And until he understood it himself, he wasn’t about to admit it.

On some deep level it frightened him as nothing else had. He had promised himself he’d remain detached while he was here in Saddle Falls. Detached and unemotional. He didn’t plan on being here long and there was no point in getting involved with people who weren’t going to be a part of his life.

So he wasn’t quite ready to examine his feelings or the emotional attachment that had grown for Hannah and Riley. If he ignored it, then he didn’t have to try to understand it. And right now when he was trying to understand so many things, he wasn’t certain he could handle another.

Hannah nodded, wondering why his words made her so sad. He basically had just admitted that he couldn’t get emotionally involved or attached to anyone. And that did not bode well for Tommy or the Ryans, she realized.

Or for her and Riley, her mind whispered.

“Now what about you, darlin’?” He released her hand and draped an arm around her shoulder, drawing her close so she was leaning against him. “How come you never married?”

Still thinking about his emotional temperature, she glanced up at him sharply. “How do you know I was never married?” she asked with a decided scowl.

“Tommy,” he said simply, then grinned. “I’ve done my fair share of asking questions, Hannah.” He lifted a hand in the air in a defensive gesture at the look on her face. “Hey, I’m trying to piece together my past and I can’t do that without asking questions.”

She understood that, but wasn’t certain she liked the idea of him asking questions about
her
past.

“So, will you tell me about Riley’s father?” He had to admit he had wondered about the man. Wondered how the man could walk away from his own child or let Hannah raise Riley alone.

In the week since he’d been here, he’d seen no evidence of a male presence in Riley’s life. Or Hannah’s, for that matter. Nor any evidence of family.

She turned to look at him, stunned by the question. “Why?” She rarely looked back. There was no point in regrets or recriminations. She tried to look only at the positive side. She had Riley, and that was all that mattered.

“Because I’d like to know.” Gently, he laid a hand to her cheek. “It’s important to me, Hannah. Truly.” He hesitated. “I want to know who put that fear in your eyes. I want to know who made you feel as if you weren’t safe with a man.”

Perhaps it was the way he said it or the way he looked at her that made the locks she kept around the memories come tumbling open and she found that she wanted to tell him, to confide in him.

It had been so long since she’d had another adult to talk to, to confide in, to pour out her heart to, especially a man her own age. She had Tommy of course, but she couldn’t and wouldn’t tell him of the pain she carried in her heart because of her parents.

No, she realized immediately, laying her head down on the soft curve of his shoulder and taking a deep breath. She’d
never
had a man as a confidant. Except for Jesse when they were children. With that reassuring thought, Hannah took a deep breath and decided to start slowly.

“Riley’s father…well, I guess I’d better start at the beginning.” She had to take another deep breath for courage and plunged in. “You said you don’t remember much about my parents.”

“Right, I don’t.”

“Well, like Tommy, they settled in Saddle Falls when the town was still young. They made quite a fortune for themselves early on, even before my sister or I were born. My parents, unlike Tommy, weren’t in the least bit interested in family.” She hadn’t realized how bitter her voice had become or how painful the memory still was even after all these years. “They didn’t have time for either me or my sister. I rarely saw them, Jesse, and I certainly didn’t have any kind of home life like all of you Ryans. Me and my sister were left with nannies or nurses while my parents went gallivanting all around the world, enjoying their fortune and impressing their friends.”

“And ignoring their children?” Jesse interjected quietly, feeling his guts twist in discomfort at the thought of Hannah being a young girl left alone with strangers. No wonder she had such wariness and fear in her eyes. No wonder she felt so strongly about family.

“That’s about it,” Hannah admitted, forcing a smile though her lips were trembling. “That’s why I was always at your house. I loved anything to do with family. And I was so jealous and envious of the home and family life you had, Jesse.” She had to swallow the lump in her throat for the shame she always felt for her jealousy. “My father had had a few business dealings early on with Tommy, and he’d asked Tommy to be my godfather.” She grinned. “He agreed, which was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.” This time her smile was real and genuine when she lifted her head to look at him, her gaze steady on his. “Tommy was—is—the most wonderful, loving man I’ve ever met. Totally devoted to his family. And more importantly, he always considered me part of the family and included me in everything. My sister as well, but she wasn’t very interested in family, at least not the way I was.” Hannah shook her head. “I don’t know what I would have done without him. He was the only security I had through my entire childhood.”

Feeling his heart ache for the loneliness she must have felt as a child, Jesse kissed the top of her head. “I’m sorry, darlin’.”

Absently, she blinked away a tear. “That’s why you and I were so close as kids, Jesse. I was always at your house. My sister never wanted me tagging around with her. We weren’t close.” She shrugged. “We were the same age, and even though you had your brothers, because they were older than you, they often did things that you couldn’t.”

“Like having a sleepover at Luke’s,” he said quietly, remembering the night he’d been kidnapped.

“Yeah,” she replied softly. “So while you were close to your brothers, you and I were also close.”

He nodded, understanding now why, from the moment he’d arrived in Saddle Falls and driven down Hannah’s street and seen her house, there was something special about it and her.

“I wanted a family of my own so bad, Jesse. I didn’t care about material things or wealth. I never wanted to be like my parents. People were important to me, not things.” She had to take a breath, then brushed a wayward strand of hair from her face from a quick kick of breeze that whispered through the darkness. “Anyway, when I was eighteen and right out of high school, my parents were staying in a villa in Europe for the summer. As a graduation present, they sent me a telegram and invited me for the summer.”