A Hope Springs Christmas (15 page)

She tried to sit up but the effort was too much. It made her knee hurt insanely. She grimaced and lay back. Memories of their horrid mishap flashed through her mind. Levi and the children had come so close to death. Once again, the ones she loved had been made to suffer. She folded her hands and bowed her head.

Thank You
,
Lord
,
for sparing Levi and the children
.
Please
,
God
,
I won’t love him if only you’ll keep him safe
.
I’ll be happy for him and Leah, I promise
.
Have pity on me
.
Don’t make me endure another loss
.

“Are you awake, child?” her aunt asked from the door.

Sarah opened her eyes. “I am. How are the children?”

“Their cuts and scrapes have all been tended. They are fine, but Merle seems to be particularly upset. He says he won’t go back inside a buggy.”

“The poor child. And Levi? He was so sick only a week ago.” Only bad things had happened to him since her feelings for him had begun to change. She couldn’t cause him more pain. She wouldn’t.

“Levi seems fine for a man who didn’t get a wink of sleep for worrying about you. He did put away a good breakfast this morning. That’s always a sign a man is feeling well. He wants to see you when you’re awake. Shall I send him in now?”

Could she face him without revealing her love? Somehow, she had to. “I will see him.”

Her aunt went out. The door opened again and Levi peeked in. “How are you?”

“Oh, look at your poor face. You have a black eye.” It was all her fault. If he had gone straight to Leah’s home, none of this would have happened. Why did everyone she love end up getting hurt?

“I’ve had worse than this.” He dismissed her concern.

He might pretend it didn’t bother him, but Sarah knew better. It must hurt as much as her knee. How had he found the strength to carry her so far?

Don’t think about how much you want to be held in his arms again
.

She stared at the quilt pattern on the bed. “What happened last night?”

“We lost a wheel and tipped over in the worst possible spot. But we are all alive to tell the tale. God was merciful.”

God had shown mercy last night, but what about next time? She couldn’t bear the thought of losing Levi. It would be painful to see him happy with Leah, but she could live with that if he was safe.

He moved closer and pulled a chair to the side of her bed. Her heart started beating like crazy.

He took her hand and gazed into her eyes. “I’m so thankful you are safe, Sarah. Last night, when I came to in the buggy and couldn’t find you, I thought I would never have the chance to tell you this. I love you, Sarah.”

Her eyes flew open wide. “No, you don’t.”

“I know my own heart. I do love you. What I don’t know is how you feel.”

Terrified
.
Wonderful
.
Sad
.
If only I could love you in return
,
but I don’t dare
.
My heart is breaking, but you can never know that
.

She looked out the window. “You’re simply feeling guilty about the accident. You don’t love me. You are in love with Leah.”

“Leah? Why would you think that?”

She looked at him and saw astonishment written on his face. “I saw you kiss her.”

He shook his head. “I don’t know who you saw kissing Leah, but it surely wasn’t me.”

Had she been mistaken? No, she had seen Leah in his arms. “The day you sold her a new buggy, I saw you holding her in the shop. She was in your arms. You were about to kiss her. And that’s fine. She is a wonderful woman.”

“She had a cinder in her eye. I was trying to get it out. I wasn’t going to kiss her. The thought never crossed my mind. It is you I wish to kiss, Sarah Wyse. If you can love me even half as much as you loved Jonas, I will spend my life trying to make you happy. Say that you will marry me.”

Sarah froze. She couldn’t draw a breath. Here was what she had longed for and what she feared. For a few wonderful seconds she thought that happiness could be hers again, but she forced that dream out of her heart. He’d almost been killed last night. As much as she wanted to return his love, she knew what she had to do.

She closed her eyes. She couldn’t love him. If she did, he might be the next to die. Dying herself would be easier than losing him.

Please
,
Lord
.
Don’t do this to me
.
Levi needs a woman who will love him without doubt and without fear
.
I’m not brave enough
.

She turned her face away. “I don’t love you, Levi.”

The moment the words left her lips she knew they were a lie. She did love him. With all her heart.

Silence hung thick in the air. He let go of her hand. She heard his chair scrape back. What had she done?

At the sound of the door opening, she looked to him. “Levi?”

He paused without looking back.

“We can still be friends, can’t we? Like it was before?” Oh, how she needed to have him near. It wasn’t enough, but it was something.

He left the room without answering. When he closed the door, she burst into tears.

She was still sobbing when her aunt came in a short time later. Murmuring, “There, there.” Emma gathered her close and held her until her tears finally ran dry.

Emma put a hand under Sarah’s chin and lifted her face. “You refused him?”

Sarah sniffed. “How did you know? Did he say something?”

“Nothing needed to be said. I could tell from the way the light died in his eyes that you sent him away. I thought...I hoped that you had found love again, Sarah. I’m rarely mistaken about these things. Do you love him?”

She couldn’t utter the lie a second time. “Yes.”

“Then why send Levi away?”

“God has shown me His plan for me. He took Jonas from me. He took my sister and my parents. I must live alone. It is His will.”

“Nonsense!” Her aunt scowled at her.

“What if I accepted Levi and he died, too? You don’t understand.” Sarah was too tired to explain herself.

Emma said, “I understand fear. I understand regret. I understand that it is hard to trust that God knows best. Yes, you have suffered great losses, Sarah. No one can deny that, but to think God wants you to spend your life without love is to say that He doesn’t love you. Surely you believe in God’s love.”

“Of course I do.”

“He loves you beyond all understanding.”

“I know that.”

“So you say, but do you truly believe it?”

Did she? Or did she doubt God’s love? Was that why it was so hard to trust that He would bring love back into her life?

She shook her head. “I’m tired,
Aenti
. I’d like to try and sleep now.”

She wanted to close her eyes and let the darkness swallow her. She didn’t want to think, didn’t want to feel.

“Very well.” Emma rose from the side of the bed.

At the door, she turned back to Sarah. “If you don’t believe God wishes you to be happy, why has Levi stayed beside you all these years? Think about that. Don’t let fear rule your heart and ruin your life. Give it to God.”

After her aunt was gone, Sarah turned gingerly to her side. Outside the window, the snow was still falling. She hated the snow.

Why had Levi stayed? Was that part of God’s plan for them? If only she could believe it.

Chapter Fifteen

L
evi stepped down from Adrian Lapp’s buggy. “Thanks for the lift.”

“Not a problem. I’m happy to help.
Mamm
said they would bring the children back later this afternoon. Dr. White wants Sarah to rest her leg another day before trying to come home. He won’t have any trouble keeping her and Alma in bed. There will be a half dozen women here to help take care of them by tomorrow night.”

“That’s good.” The mere mention of Sarah’s name sent a stab of pain though Levi’s chest so sharp that he wanted to look and see if he was bleeding. She didn’t love him. Not even a little.

He walked into his house and stopped in surprise. Grace stood at the kitchen sink peeling potatoes. She turned to smile at him and shrieked, “Levi! What happened to you?”

He heard his brothers pounding down the stairs. Moses said, “It must have been a hot date. You were gone all...night.” He stopped dead in his tracks and his voice trailed away at the sight of Levi’s face. Atlee bumped into him from behind.

Grace sped into action. “Sit down, Levi. Let me get some ice for you. Do you need to see a doctor?”

Could Dr. White reach inside him and put his shattered heart back together? If so, he’d go for treatment in a minute. “It’s only a black eye, Grace. I didn’t think you’d be home for another week.”

“I learned what I needed to know so I came home. What happened to you?” she asked again as she gathered ice cubes from the freezer. The twins had come to stand on either side of him but they were surprisingly quiet.

“The left front wheel of the buggy came off when I was going around the hill out on Paint Road. The buggy swerved off the road, flipped over and rolled down the hill. I got off lucky. Sarah and the kids were banged up pretty good.”

“Sarah and the kids were with you? Why? What were you doing on Paint Road?” Atlee demanded. His face had turned ashen.

Levi sat down and accepted the towel full of ice that Grace handed him. “I was going to drop them off at Emma Lapp’s place so the children could stay there until their parents were well. The buggy is a complete loss.”

Atlee went to look out the window. “What about Dotty? Where is she?”

“Jonathan Dresher came and got her with his horse ambulance. He’s going to try to save her, but her front left leg is messed up pretty good. She’ll never pull a buggy again.”

“No!” Atlee grasped his hair with both hands.

Moses hadn’t said a word. He sat down beside Levi. “How bad were the children hurt?”

“Rosanna’s pretty face will have a jagged scar across her chin. She was badly bruised. Phoebe has bruises galore and two dislocated fingers on her hand.” He shuddered when he thought about his crude fix for her.

“What about Merle?” Moses asked quietly.

Levi shook his head. “A few bumps and bruises on the outside, but he started screaming bloody murder when we tried to put him inside a closed buggy. Finally, we gave up. Ben Lapp is bringing him home in his courting buggy. Merle won’t get into anything else.”

Moses folded his arms on the table and laid his head on them. “We did it. We rigged the wheel to come off.”

Levi placed a hand on his brother’s head. “I know. This morning, I went back for our horse. I found the axel nut on the roadway where the wheel dropped off. I saw at once it was the one for the wrong wheel.”

Moses looked up with tears in his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Levi. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”

“Why did you do it?”

Atlee said, “We didn’t want you to court Leah Belier. We thought if you stood her up for a date she might get mad and not go out with you anymore. The road to her place is long and flat. We thought the wheel would just drop off and you’d have to walk home.”

An amazed bark of laughter broke from Levi. He shook his head. “That was a really stupid reason made all the more idiotic by the fact that I’m not courting Leah Belier.”

“But you’ve been taking her for rides in your buggy. You’ve never taken a woman riding before.”

“I was helping a friend. I’m not sure either of you would understand that.”

He looked at Grace. “You are free to marry the man of your choice. Choose wisely, little sister.”

He glanced at his brothers. “You boys have a decision to make. I’m moving to Colorado. I’ll be leaving the day after Christmas.”

“You don’t mean that.” Grace stared at him in shock.

“What about us?” the twins demanded.

Levi sighed. “You may come with me, or you may stay here. If you stay here and run the repair shop, you will have to negotiate a new contract with Sarah. She is well within her rights to refuse you.”

“Was Sarah hurt?” Grace asked

“She injured her knee and can’t walk. She also has a concussion.” He rose to his feet.

Grace grabbed his hand. “I’m so thankful you were not badly injured for I dearly love you, brother. Please, don’t leave Hope Springs.”

He
was
badly injured, but not all wounds were as visible as his black eye. “My mind is made up. Atlee and Moses, I forgive you for the harm you have done me. I must go and pack. I don’t need any help. I’d like to be alone for a while.”

He walked up the stairs, leaving stunned silence behind him.

* * *

Sarah used the crutches the doctor had given her to make her way into her house. Her aunt and uncle had taken the children home the day before. Inside, Vernon was pacing the floor. The moment he saw her, he rushed to her, took her by the shoulders and kissed both her cheeks. “Praise God for His mercy.”

“How is Alma?”

“She was a wreck, but once the children arrived, she went straight back to bed as the doctor had ordered. She is reading them a story now.”

The front door opened and Grace Beachy walked in. Her eyes were puffy from crying. She threw her arms around Sarah. “I’m so sorry for the pain my family caused you.”

“It’s all right. I’m glad you are back.” She was happy to see her friend. It meant she wouldn’t have to work in the shop with Levi any more. Things could get back to normal.

Levi would soon realize he didn’t love her. They could be friends again. Tears stung her eyes at the thought.

“Sarah, Levi is leaving Hope Springs. He’s moving away,” Grace said between sniffles.

Sarah’s heart dropped to her feet. “What?”

“He told us he is leaving town for good. His bus leaves at four o’clock the day after Christmas. We’ve tried to talk him out of it, but he won’t be swayed. What are we going to do without him?”

“Where is he? I can’t let him do this.”

“He’s in the shop.”

Her brother said, “Shouldn’t you be lying down? The doctor said to rest that knee.”

“I will. After I’ve spoken with Levi.”

He couldn’t leave. How would she repair the damage she had done to their friendship if he moved away? He had to stay. She couldn’t bear it if he left.

She hobbled across the street on her crutches, pulled open the door and went in. He was standing in front of the workbench sorting his tools. He didn’t glance up. “What do you want, Sarah?”

He must have seen her crossing the street.

“Grace tells me you’re leaving.” She still couldn’t believe it.

“I am.” He didn’t look at her.

Why wouldn’t he look at her?

Tears gathered in her eyes, but she blinked them back. “Are you really going to Colorado?”

He carefully wrapped his tools in a length of canvas.
“Ja.”

She didn’t want him to go. She needed him. Her life would go back to being empty with nothing but work to fill the lonely hours if he were gone.

You mean so much to me, Levi. Please turn around and look at me.

He didn’t. Suddenly, the truth sank in. She had lost him. Her fear had robbed them both of a chance at happiness. A tear slipped down her cheek. “I hope you’ll be happy there.”

He threw down his tools and raised his face to heaven. There was such sorrow in his expression. “How can I be happy if I’m not near you?”

“Then why are you leaving?”

He turned to face her. The pain in his eyes cut her like a knife. “Not so very long ago, I told myself that I could be content if you loved me just a fraction of the way you loved Jonas. But I was fooling myself, Sarah. I’m a selfish man. If you cannot love me every bit as much or more than you loved Jonas, then I must go. I can’t be satisfied watching you through the window anymore. I love you, but if you don’t love me, leaving is all that is left.”

“I care for you, Levi. You know that.”

“But do you love me?”

How could she make him understand? “I want to.”

He closed his eyes and turn away. She couldn’t let him go. “I want to love you, but I’m afraid, Levi.”

He turned back to her. “What is it you fear? Surely you know I would never hurt you.”

“I’m afraid you’ll die,” she whispered the words, as if saying them aloud would give them power. She covered her face with her hands.

“What do you mean?”

“Everyone I love dies. You and the children were almost killed because of me.” She tried to leave but stumbled on her crutches. He caught her and held her in his arms.

“Oh, Sarah.” His voice softened. “The wreck wasn’t your fault. My brothers rigged the wheel to come off.”

She tried to turn her face away from him. “How it happened doesn’t matter.”

“You’re right. I’m going to die. We are all going to die, Sarah. Not loving someone won’t prevent that.”

“It’s all I can do. You have to be safe.”

“You can’t keep me safe any more than you can take the moon out of the sky. All you can do is make living bearable for me. Sarah, one day of knowing your love would make my entire life worthwhile, no matter how short or how long.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Don’t speak the truth? How can you ask me to lie? I love you, Sarah. How many times must I say it? God planted this love in my heart. He allowed it to grow into something strong and enduring. It will not die even after I’m laid in my grave. I will love you through eternity, as God is my witness, I will.”

She broke down and sobbed.

* * *

Levi couldn’t bear the sight of her tears any longer. He gathered her into his arms and held her tight. Her hands grasped his coat as if she were afraid to let go.

“Don’t cry,
liebschen.
Please, don’t cry so.”

She pressed her face into his neck and he cupped the back of her head to keep her close.

“Did you know that Jonas made me promise to watch over you until you remarried?”

She shook her head, but didn’t speak.

“He did. Two days before he died, he made me promise to see you happily wed before I left town. He knew I wanted to go west. You know what else I think he knew? I think he knew that I was in love with you years before I knew it myself.”

“Really?” She drew back to look up at him.

“I believe that.”

“He was always thinking of others. I loved that about him.”

“I love him, too, you know.”

“Maybe he hoped I would eventually see the fine man hidden behind the shy boy who could barely speak to me.”

Levi shook his head. “We are a sad pair, you and I. I was afraid to speak for fear of looking the fool. You’re afraid to love because it may bring you more loss. Neither one of us trusted God enough to lay our fears at His feet and ask what He wished of us. I found my voice because of you, Sarah.”

“You found it because you wanted to help the children. You’re right about one thing. I need to give over my burden and trust in His mercy. I’m just not sure I can.”

“Yes, you can. Close your eyes and feel His love. I feel it and it gives me comfort.”

“Levi, when did you know you loved me?”

He sighed. “I knew it the day you gave me a haircut. You could have plucked out my hairs one by one and I would have endured it without a peep. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I wanted your touch.”

“But what if in a few months or a few years you discover Leah or Sally is the woman God wants for you?”

“You’re right. I should test my feelings.” He smiled at her and then lowered his face and kissed her.

* * *

Swept away in the glorious sensation of his lips on her, of his body pressed against hers, Sarah gave herself over to delight. She never wanted it to end. She wanted Levi to hold her forever and she wasn’t afraid. This was so right. Her doubts slipped away as she gave her fear over to God.

Levi drew back a few seconds later. Her mind was still spinning. “Shall we test this some more?” he asked.

She nodded and lifted her face to his. The second kiss was every bit as wonderful as the first. More wonderful, because she knew what was coming.

When he drew away again, he was as breathless as she was. “Tell me now that you don’t love me.”

He kissed her again before she could answer. When he drew away, she raised her arms to pull his head down to her and buried her fingers in his curls. Her crutches fell away, but she didn’t need them. Levi was holding her up.

He placed a kiss on her forehead. “Say it, Sarah.”

He placed another kiss on her eye. “Say it.”

He nuzzled her cheek with his mouth a fraction of an inch from her wanting lips. “Say it, Sarah. I need to hear it.”

“I love you, Levi Beachy.”

“I knew you did.”

A great weight lifted from her heart and she knew this was part of God’s plan for her life. She smiled at Levi. He bent toward her and she raised her face for his kiss.

A long time later, she sighed and snuggled against him. He asked, “Are you cold?”

“Not a bit. I could stay here for hours.”

“Your family will be missing you soon.”

“I know, but can’t we stay a little longer?” She never wanted this closeness to end. How blessed she was to have this second chance to love and be loved.

He looked over his shoulder. “I’m afraid we’re about to be interrupted. My brothers are coming this way.”

She took a step back and gave a small cry of pain.

He grasped her to keep her from falling and held her close. “Is it your knee?”

She nodded. “I reckon I’ve been up on it too long.”

He wrapped his arm around her waist. “Lean on me. I will help you back to your house, unless I need to carry you.”