A Life Restored (25 page)

Caroline slammed her door shut and threw herself on her bed.
 
Sobs shook her body.
 
She should have asked him that question long ago.
 
Not now.
 
Not after she already loved him.

How foolish she was!

This was so much worse than what she did to Jesse and Nathan.
 
So, so much worse.
 
She saw the raw pain in his eyes.
 
She trampled his heart.
 
And his wasn’t the only one bleeding.

It hurt.
 
It burned.

She hated herself.
 
She hated what she had become.

She was the worst kind of woman—one who carelessly tossed away a man’s love.

Only it wasn’t careless.
 
This was wise.

Oh, she wanted to be with him.
 
She wanted to marry him.
 
But, wouldn’t they always be on opposite sides because at the core they did not value the same things?

Tears soaked the arm of her dress.
 
Her head throbbed as her heart bled.
 
This was the most horrible feeling.
 
The fullness of her wretchedness now exposed.

Lord, forgive me.
 
Help Thomas to forgive me.

The day after Thanksgiving, Caroline wondered if Thomas would still take her out to Colter Ranch.
 
She would not blame him if he didn’t—not after how she hurt him.

She must have wounded him terribly.
 
She heard the rumors from some nosy men as they shopped in the mercantile.
 
One of them said they saw Thomas leave the saloon too drunk to walk back to the boardinghouse.
 
She had not known if he tended to drink or not.
 
She assumed not, as she hadn’t heard anything before now.

Regardless, the men had been talking about the night she rejected him.
 
She shared some responsibility for that.

So, given all of that, she readied herself for a busy day at the mercantile assuming she would not see or hear from him.

As she opened the front door, a man caught her arm.
 
“Are you ready?”

She whirled to face Thomas.
 
“Ah…
 
Yes.”

“I couldn’t get a wagon, so a saddled horse will have to do.”
 
His voice sounded flat.
 
His face was unreadable.

“I didn’t expect you to still take me.”

Thomas snorted.
 
“I said I would.
 
Now let’s go.”

He moved to his horse and mounted it, letting her struggle with mounting her own.
 
She finally managed it.
 
He kicked his horse into motion and she followed behind wordlessly.
 
The stiffness of his back indicated that he would not be much of a chatty traveling companion for the day.

She sighed.

The trip seemed twice as long in the silence, so she was grateful when they finally arrived at the ranch.
 
He didn’t offer to help her down, so she clumsily slid off the side of the horse, nearly losing her balance once she hit the ground.
 
Funny, he had enough common courtesy to bring her here, but not enough to help her with her horse.

Adam gave her a hug then took her horse to the stables.

“Caroline, I’ve missed you,” Julia squeezed her tight.

She stepped back from her friend’s embrace, noting the warm glow on her face.
 
“Looks like marriage agrees with you.”

“I hope you find the perfect man someday,” Julia said.
 
“It is so wonderful to be married to someone you love so much.”

Her stomach dropped, but she managed to keep the smile on her face.
 
She doubted she would love anyone as much as she loved Thomas.

Julia grabbed Caroline’s hand and led her into the new ranch house.
 
The building was a cute two story plank board structure.
 
Julia chatted on and on about all of the great things about the house.
 
The kitchen was separated from the dining area, which was separated from the large living area by a wall.
 
Each room seemed cozy.

“Will built four rooms upstairs.
 
Can you believe it?
 
Four rooms?
 
He told Hannah he plans on filling them to the rafters with children.”

Caroline smiled, not really feeling up to laughing at what she knew was a joke.

“It’s so nice to have our own space,” Julia was saying.
 
“Though, we still take meals together as a family up here.
 
But if I ever want to cook—not that I really would—I can.”

She laughed at that.
 
Julia never was one who wanted to spend much time in the kitchen.

Adam came in followed by Thomas.
 
She avoided his gaze as Adam wrapped her in a bear hug.

“Out of sorts today, Linny?”

“I guess.”

“Missing Pa and Ma and the girls?”

She hadn’t really been until Adam mentioned it, but it would be a good disguise for the true source of her low spirits.
 
“Yes.
 
This is the first time I’ve been away from them for Thanksgiving.”

“It helps having the Colter family here.
 
And Thomas.”

Baby James squirmed in Hannah’s arms.
 
Thomas lifted the small child into his arms, swaying back and forth.

He was a good man.
 
He just made some mistakes sometimes.
 
Oh, and he didn’t believe in God.
 
Other than that, she could envision him as a good father, holding her child.

Caroline went to give Will and Hannah greetings, hoping to remove that thought from her mind.
 
She needed to let go of Thomas, not picture him in her life in new ways.

In a few minutes, everything was set out on the table.
 
Everyone took their seats as Ben hurried in.
 
“Sorry I’m late.”

Once he was seated, Will led them in a prayer.
 
It was a very nice prayer, matching the theme of the day well.
 
He thanked the Lord for his family and friends, for their health, and for His provision.
 
Then he surprised everyone by praying for those in the family that were sorrowful for the day, that God would lift their spirits and direct them in His path.

As everyone echoed his “amen,” Caroline looked around the table.
 
Who could Will have been talking about?
 
Her?
 
Thomas?
 
Someone else?
 
Everyone seemed happy to her.
 
Even Thomas seemed happy as he engaged Hannah in conversation.

At least he did until he glanced at Caroline.
 
She saw the pain in his eyes before he looked away.
 
He must hate her.

It didn’t matter.
 
She did what she must.
 
In time both their hearts would heal.
 
He would forget her.

Or, maybe he would come to the Lord.

No.
 
She must not hope for that.
 
She just had to let him go.

Chapter 26

Caroline looked up as the bell over the door announced a visitor.
 
A blast of cold air followed the lovely woman in, before she shut the door behind her.
 
From her stylish gown, Caroline knew her customer had to be Margaret McCormick, the wife of Richard McCormick the Secretary of Territory.

“Brrr.”
 
Margaret shivered as she made her way to the stove to warm up first.

“Mrs. McCormick?”

“Yes, but you may call me Margaret.
 
And you are?”

“Caroline Larson.”

“Pleased to meet you Caroline.
 
My, it is quite chilly outside.”

“Yes, it is.
 
How might I help you, Margaret?”

She rubbed her hands vigorously together for a moment before turning towards Caroline.
 
“My darling husband has permitted me to make some purchases for the Governor’s Mansion.
 
Dull place.
 
Have you visited?”

“No.
 
I’ve heard it is rather large, but I have not had the pleasure of visiting.”

“Oh, you simply must come visit me soon.
 
I’m afraid I might go out of my mind rumbling around in that place all winter with no company.”

Caroline was surprised.
 
Surely her husband of a few months was plenty of company.

“While Richard and Mr. Fleury are constantly in residence, it is not the same as the good company of a woman friend,” Margaret explained, almost as if reading her mind.

Caroline smiled, warming to Margaret quickly.

“Now, about my purchases.
 
The mansion is desperately in need of a woman’s touch.
 
There’s hardly a thing of beauty in the place.
 
Though, Richard would likely say otherwise.”

There was something about the way she glowed every time she mentioned her husband’s name that piqued Caroline’s interest.

“You love your husband very much, don’t you?”

Margaret giggled in a light feminine way, much like what the upper class of the East were trained to do.
 
Caroline had read many a story about such training, but this was her first time meeting a refined wealthy woman face to face.

“I do love Richard very much.
 
Tell me, do you believe in love at first sight?”

She thought of Thomas, though she had resolved not to, and heat flushed her cheeks.

“I can see you do.
 
Well, my Richard and I—we fell in love instantly.
 
I believe with each passing day, our love grows deeper and deeper.”

“How long did you know him before you married?”

“Only a few months.
 
I met him on a steamboat bound to New York from San Francisco late this spring.
 
He was such a gentleman and ever so kind.
 
Once we arrived at our destination I found it difficult to part his company.
 
But soon enough he found me again and asked me to be his wife.
 
I couldn’t bear the thought of being apart from him again, so we married near my family’s home in September.”

Margaret’s admiration was clear.

“Now, about the mansion.
 
I’m looking for something suitable for window coverings.
 
Something heavy enough to keep out some of this cold air.”

Caroline led her to the bolts of fabric, pointing out several that might work.
 
She wondered if she and Thomas would end up as happy as Margaret and Richard.
 
They seemed to be very devoted to one another and they had known each other for less than six months from the sounds of things.

“Do you and Richard disagree on things?”
 
Caroline ventured.

Margaret giggled again.
 
“Of course.
 
There are some things of which we are on entirely opposites ends.
 
But, we do not let those disagreements become an obstacle in our marriage.”

“How do you do that?”

“Love, Caroline.
 
Love.
 
If you love a person enough, those differences just don’t matter.”

Caroline carried the bolt of fabric Margaret selected to the front counter and cut out the amount she requested.

An idea began turning in her brain even as she wished Margaret a good day.
 
What if she loved Thomas enough that it wouldn’t matter that he didn’t agree with her about God?
 
Surely, if they truly loved each other they could move beyond that.

Excitement began to build.
 
Maybe there was hope for her and Thomas after all.

The next day, Thomas entered Hardy’s mercantile.
 
He should have expected the place to be busy.
 
It was a Saturday.
 
He spotted Caroline helping a lady pick out some lace and trimmings to go with her fabrics.

He moved close to the stove to warm up while she finished with the customer.

“Thomas,” she greeted as the lady customer left.

Her eyes lit with excitement and he started to wonder if she had changed her mind about him.
 
He hoped so.
 
He had been miserable since their supper outing.
 
The more he tried not to think about her, the more he thought about her.
 
She invaded his dreams.
 
He loved her.

It was that love that drove him to seek her out today.

“I thought… Would you like to have supper with me this evening?”

“Yes.”
 
She didn’t hesitate for even a second.
 
“I would love to.”

His heart flipped up and over within his chest.
 
He missed her so much.
 
It would be a grand evening, just having her near.

A few more customers entered and he excused himself, promising to stop by before they closed at the end of the day.
 
He had a few hours until then, so he headed to the livery to help Craig for a while.
 
Having lost track of time, he ended up rushing to clean up before he had to meet Caroline.

When he arrived back at the mercantile, several young men gathered around the counter opposite Caroline.
 
Her cheeks were flushed and she kept lowering her head in that maddening way.
 
The men responded by leaning closer or saying some comment that caused her to laugh.

Jealousy rose.
 
He hated seeing other men so interested in her.

He pushed his way forward.
 
Gritting his teeth, he asked, “Ready?”

“Thomas!
 
Um… Yes.
 
Let me get my coat.”

She disappeared behind the store room curtain and returned, buttoning her coat as she walked.
 
“Where to?”

“A new place.”
 
He failed to keep his anger hidden.

“Are you upset with me?”

“No.”

“You are.”

“Enough!”
 
His voice came out much harsher and louder than he intended.
 
Another couple walking along the street stared as they walked past.

“Why are you upset?”

He stopped and turned to face her, his anger boiling.
 
“I thought you weren’t going to flirt with men anymore.
 
Didn’t you learn your lesson last time?”

“I wasn’t flirting.”

“Huh.”
 
Thomas grunted.

“I wasn’t.”

“If you had flirted with them anymore one of them was bound to take you up those stairs and have his way with you.
 
That’s how soiled doves act, not decent, respectable women.”

Caroline’s eyes burned with fury.
 
She reached up to slap his face but he caught her wrist.

“How dare you!”
 
Tears streamed down her face.
 
She kept shaking her head.

Thomas realized how awful his words were.
 
He started to apologize but she turned and ran back to her room above the store.
 
Groaning he kicked himself.
 
Had he really just equated her to a lady of the night?

What was wrong with him?
 
Why did he destroy every good thing in his life?

Guilt and shame nipped at his feet, pushing him towards the saloon—the only place a scoundrel like him deserved to be.

Caroline let the tears burn.
 
How could he say such a hurtful thing?
 
Did he really believe she threw herself at men?

She hated him.
 
He was an awful, mean, spiteful man.
 
She hoped she never saw him again.

Having lost her appetite, she dressed for bed and crawled under the covers.
 
She buried her face and let her broken heart spill out her grief in hot tears.
 
She had been a fool for loving him.

She fell into a fitful sleep.

The next morning she rose and readied herself for Sunday services and the dinner that followed.
 
She was embarrassed for having given her heart to Thomas.
 
He would be gone on his next run tomorrow morning, so she would only have to avoid him for one day.

She fixed her hair, not really caring how it looked.
 
Then she grabbed a piece of dry toast to appease her growling stomach.
 
She still didn’t feel like eating, but she didn’t want her stomach rumbling during Reverend Page’s sermon either.

Caroline made her way across the street to the boardinghouse and took a seat near the back.
 
Julia and Adam greeted her and tried to get her to sit with them.
 
She made a lame excuse of there not being enough room for her.

Throughout the singing and even through the sermon, she was distracted.
 
How could she have been so wrong about Thomas?
 
How could she have given her heart to him?

Her eyes began to burn, but she blinked to try to keep them from spilling over.
 
She couldn’t stop loving him if she wanted to.

And she didn’t want to.

When the service ended, she feigned illness to get out of Sunday dinner with the Lancasters, Colters, Pages, and Larsons.
 
She couldn’t sit there and pretend to be happy.
 
Betty fixed a plate for her to take with her for later if she felt up to it and encouraged her to stop by for supper if she wanted some company.

Hurrying back across the street, she bounded up the stairs and into her small room.
 
Tears streamed down her face before she could even get the door shut.
 
She set the plate of food on the table, took off her coat and flung herself onto the bed.

Her heart was too broken to manage anything but grief.
 
She gave herself over to it.