A Little Bit of Everything Lost (12 page)

“Go to the bathroom.” He slid the one-hitter into her palm. “Take another hit, okay? I want you to keep feeling this good. By the way, you look beautiful. You look so hot tonight.”

She got that ache low in her belly, like she needed him right now. Forget the food, forget everything else.

“Can we go? Let’s just go back to my house?”

“No. Listen, just do one more hit in there, quickly though, okay? I don’t want you to get caught.”

She nodded.

“Then, do whatever feels good. For however long you want to. And when you come back, tell me about it.”

Marnie couldn’t believe he was asking her to do this and the idea scared her a little. But then again, after the shaving episode, and the lemons, she shouldn’t have been surprised by his request, and the more she thought about it, the idea excited her. She was sure that later, she would probably feel a little… well, she wasn’t sure how she would feel. If she knew Joe, she knew this would lead to something that would later feel really, really good.

“What about food?”

“I’ll order something when you’re in there.”

She pressed her body against his in the booth, feeling suddenly brave, and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him. “Don’t miss me too much.”

“I can’t wait for you to get back. Hurry. But,” he paused, “also, take your time.”

Marnie slid out of the booth and weaved her way through the tables. She felt like she was traveling through a heavy mud, her feet were solid, and she grabbed onto a chair every two or three steps to steady herself, apologizing when she bumped into a lady seated with her baby. The woman glared.

The bathroom was empty. She wasn’t sure if she would have gone through with it had it been occupied. There were three stalls, and she took the furthest one, away from the sinks, away from the door.

She had to pee. And although she usually lined the seat with a paper liner, she didn’t take the time to do so. She pulled down her shorts and underwear, and peed. When she was done, she pulled up her pants, put down the toilet lid and hoisted her knees up so her heels were on the seat. Joe had given her a lighter when he handed her the one-hitter. She brought the tip to her lips, lit the end with the lighter like she had seen him do it. When the embers glowed, she inhaled.

The rush was immediate, and she felt soggy, yet light. Like she was stuck in a field of daffodils, and she didn’t want to get up. The main bathroom door opening jolted her for a moment, and then she heard, “Mommy, it smells poopy in here.”

“Well, bathrooms are for pooping, Annie,” the mother said.

Marnie held her breath for what seemed like forever while the mom helped her kid go to the bathroom in the next stall. Since Marnie’s feet were still tucked up on the seat, she was pretty sure they didn’t know she was in there, getting higher than she’d ever been in her life. Marnie suppressed a giggle when she imagined getting caught sitting on a toilet seat smoking marijuana by an unsuspecting mom and her kid.

There was a whoosh of a flush, and Marnie took that moment to exhale quietly. She could see a pair of hands pulling up the little kid’s shorts. They left the stall, and moved toward the sinks. “Wash your hands really good Annie,” the mother instructed.

The amount of time they had been in there seemed far too long for a woman to take a kid to the bathroom. When the bathroom was finally empty, Marnie exhaled again, and realized just how incredibly stoned she was.

She suppressed a laugh.

Then she remembered what Joe had asked her to do. She didn’t take her shorts off, just unbuttoned the top and placed her fingers down the front of them, feeling the smoothness of her naked skin. She would never let the hair grow back, now that she knew how good everything felt without it there.

Her fingers found their way between and she touched. She knew she would be damp, but she didn’t think she’d be so slick. In and out she moved her fingertips, slowly at first. And then deeper. She took her fingers out, moving to the top. She moved her fingers until she felt the warmth flood to her toes. Marnie could postpone the waves, but knew that Joe was out there, waiting for her, so she pushed harder, rubbing quickly, up and down, and in circles, sometimes delving back into the wetness, when suddenly, she was there, grinding against her own hand, until she came, shuddering, and she came again, and her hand was still moving but she was telling her brain to make it stop, but she couldn’t and it happened again, and she moaned quietly, trying to still herself, as the rolling waves slowed.

Seconds later, she stood, steadying herself against the bathroom stall door until she felt ready to open it and go to the sink. She looked at her reflection. Her eyes were wide and bloodshot, and her cheeks were flushed pink. She had the world’s greatest secret, right there, in the bathroom. She lifted her shoulders, touched at her hair, reached for the soap, then changed her mind.

Marnie walked out of the bathroom.

The smile on Joe’s face matched hers, she was sure, and she slid into the booth next to him.

“How are you?” he asked.

She took her fingers to his lips and said, “You tell me.”

He kissed the tip of her finger, delicately, and inhaled. “Oh wow. You really did it.”

“Oh yeah,” she laughed.

Food had arrived at the table, a plate of nachos, some cheesy dip with bread, but Marnie wasn’t hungry anymore.

Joe took her hand into his, brought it up to his lips. Kissed her hand. To anyone, this would not look unusual, two young people in love, smooching in the back booth, sharing secrets. He kissed at her hand, took tiny nips at her thumb, playfully.

Their waitress interrupted, placing two more beers onto the table. “Everything okay over here?”

Joe answered, Marnie’s palm still held in his hand, “Everything’s great. Just great.”

“Let me know if you need anything else,” and she walked away as Joe replied, “Oh, we’re just fine here.”

Joe kissed Marnie’s neck now, playfully. She grabbed her beer, took a full swallow, and set it back onto the table. Joe took Marnie’s hand and placed it onto his shorts.

“Look what you do to me,” he whispered. She moved her hand over him, in slow circular motions, and his penis pulled against the fabric of his cargo shorts. The table was covered with a dark green cloth, and the two of them were tucked away in a back booth in the dim of the restaurant. Marnie could do anything to him and only the two of them would know.

She felt for the zipper and lowered it, undid the button on the top of his shorts, and his penis sprang forward. He drank his beer and kissed her ear, then grinned at her, sharing her secret now. She ran circles over his tip, and felt the wetness of a few drops emerge. She could make him suffer, really suffer, but she didn’t want to. She wanted him to feel as good as she had felt just minutes before. She was still amazed at how large he was, at how it felt so warm, so hot, stuck there inside his shorts all day long. It needed to breathe. She wanted to give it air.

She rubbed him, and slid her fingers up and down, touched feathery light at him, and squeezed parts of him. And then when it felt like she was close, she moved her hand up and down, faster and faster, watching the scene around them, families having an early dinner, business men jotting down notes, a lone writer tapping away at his keyboard, and the mother and her child – Annie – who had made it to the bathroom in time. All the while she moved, faster still, and then Joe pressed his head into her shoulder, and he shuddered, and shuddered again, and then her hand was wet and warm and sticky. He whispered into her ear, “Check, please.”

Later, back at her house, back in her room, they smoked some more, and drank some tequila from her parent’s liquor cabinet. The Cure played over and over on her boom box and there was a moment where Marnie couldn’t tell where she ended and Joe began. She was holding on so tight and she feared letting go would let go of him forever.

The words to the song were about being alone with someone and feeling whole again, which made absolute perfect sense to Marnie. Joe clutched onto her, pulling her into him. They were naked, sweat-soaked, stoned and drunk, blankets and sheets strewn all over the bed. It was that night that he finally said the words she had been waiting for him to say. His head pressed hard into her neck, as he shuddered into her as he came, and he whispered, “Oh God Mar, I love you.”

Chapter
Twenty-Six
November 2004

Marnie didn’t think walking back into Allesiano’s would reel her senses so strongly but when she did, she could almost taste the cannolis from that day on the pier so many years ago. The memories of that day, the first time she walked into that bakery with Joe, the day she almost told him that she loved him, came flooding back like a typhoon. Fortunately, Collette was there to pull her back into reality.

“Keep it together sister. Keep it together.”

Marnie took a deep breath.

Elegantly decorated cakes, pastries, and cupcakes still filled the bakery cases, yet it seemed as if the place had gotten a facelift and looked more corporate and less homey than it had been 15 years ago. People crowded around the counter, drinking coffee, eating fresh-baked donuts, reading the paper. Apparently, Joe’s family business was still doing well. Good for him, Marnie thought, even though she had no idea if he had any part of it.

An Italian woman wearing a charcoal gray pencil skirt and a white buttoned-down tailored dress shirt took orders behind the counter. Her dark hair was in a tight slick bun. Every few seconds, she called out another order to the back kitchen through a small window.

Collette and Marnie glanced at one another when the lady turned her attention to them.

“You ladies, up next, what would you like?”

Marnie, still stunned, didn’t speak, so Collette ordered two cinnamon twists and medium coffees. When they moved to the cash register to pay, Collette nudged Marnie and nodded in the direction of a huge bulletin board on the wall.

Surrounded by local neighborhood events and school function announcements, random business cards and fliers, there it was:

Lucianna Allesiano Turns 90!

Mark your calendars for

Sunday, November 28

As we share the original spirit of

Allesiano’s Italiano Bakery

With friends and family!

Cakes and Coffee

Noon to 2 p.m.

Collette paid and steered Marnie out the door. It was the exact information Marnie hoped to find, but now that she had it, she wasn’t sure what to do with it. She couldn’t just show up and say, “Hi. I’ve got lots to tell you.” Marnie was out of her mind.

She mourned the baby she lost five months ago and the guilt she felt from the abortion in college was weighing heavily on her heart. The recent loss had churned up so many feelings from the abortion that she hadn’t expected to ever resurface. She thought she had long ago buried that guilt. But now the two losses were somehow, oddly enough, connected. Woven together, quilted together in the patchwork of her makeup.

She didn’t know if she could hang on any longer, the guilt she felt was immense. Because she had never told Joe he could have fathered a baby she aborted. And the guilt toward her own husband – who was loyal and committed and loving and caring – she had been so blasé about her pregnancy for the first three months, practically ignoring the fact that she was pregnant, keeping the information from Stuart, trying to convince herself that he was
so busy with work that he didn’t need to worry about it. She had been insane. She wondered if she had gone to Stuart right away with the news of her pregnancy, would things have turned out differently?

If she had taken better care of herself, seen her doctor sooner, told Stuart right away that she was pregnant, could she have changed the outcome? What kind of woman was she? Did she even deserve to be a mother to Trey and Jeremy? God, she needed help.

Marnie slumped down to the curb as people shuffled in and out of the bakery, unaware of the magnitude of what was going on in her personal life. Dogs sniffed light posts, people laughed and chatted about the unseasonably warm fall air and their Thanksgiving plans as they walked by, arms filled with packages. Collette sat next to her, and Marnie laid her head onto her arms, propped up by her knees. They sat there as cars drove by, and the street light went from green to yellow to red, then back to green again.

Collette put her arm around Marnie and rubbed her shoulder in that soothing way only a best friend could.

They sat for a long time, not saying anything. Finally, Marnie took a deep breath. “This is crazy. I don’t know what I was thinking, coming here?”

She stood up abruptly, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Let’s go.” 

Chapter
Twenty-Seven
August 1988