A Little Bit of Everything Lost (9 page)

Almost.

She certainly wished it hadn’t been returned.

Chapter
Twenty-One
August 1988

Afterward, Joe left. He never just left. He always stayed the night, waking her later with his lips on some part of her body – her elbow, or her forehead, or he would sneak down to kiss her knees and work his way up. Now though, her bed was empty of him. Her head reeled from the intensity of the night before – from the beer, from their argument, from the extreme recklessness that was the two of them.

She ached. She was sure there was a line of newly formed bruises across her low back where she had rammed against the edge of the stairs. Her thighs hurt, her insides felt twisted and her head pounded. Her mouth was a desert and no amount of water could clear the dryness. She lay in bed all day, waiting, feeling lost.

Finally, when she could no longer lie there and think, Marnie called Collette.

“Hey you!” Marnie was relieved that Collette sounded happy to hear from her, and not angry for having not been around so much.

“Hi,” Marnie said.

“Oh, wait a minute. You’re calling
me.
What’s wrong? Is it Joe?”

Marnie felt a familiar guilt, knowing she hadn’t been a very good friend to Collette since Joe appeared, but girls did this, didn’t they? Ditch their best friends when a guy came along. Marnie remembered when Collette was with Sam, and she hadn’t been jealous. It was cool; Marnie understood Collette wanted to be with Sam. Marnie hadn’t been dating anyone at the time, so sure, she was left out, but girlfriends can always count on one another. It’s what girlfriends do. And Marnie needed Collette.

Marnie filled Collette in on the fight, and then the stairway sex. “I don’t know what the fuck to do,” Marnie sighed.

“Yeah, well, I heard from someone who knows Joe, and she said that he might be kind of trouble,” Collette said.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Helen mentioned he was a player. She knew him from her brother or something. And, I don’t know? That bitch from the party… sounds like there’s more to that than what he told you.”

“I guess. I don’t know. Fuck. What if he doesn’t call me?”

“I’m not trying to be mean or anything here, but what, you’ve known this guy for like a month? School starts in a few weeks, so maybe it’s… ”

“What?” Marnie felt her skin burn, and she tried not to be mad at what Collette was saying, but what the hell did she know about the two of them? Marnie
knew
there was something there, something more than she had ever had with anyone.

“Just that he’ll be going back to Eastern, and you’ll be at school, so what do you expect to happen? Come on, Mar. He’s a college guy. We both know how college guys are.”

“I know.”

“So, if he doesn’t call, then be done with it. If he does call, then maybe he’s got some apologizing to do. And maybe you see him for a little bit more, and then we’re off to school. New men to conquer!”

Marnie wanted to laugh. She really did. She knew Collette was trying to make her feel better, but she couldn’t bring herself to laugh. She couldn’t bring herself to think of what might happen after Joe.

**

He did call, two days after the fight. It was as if he was punishing her, and he knew it, like he purposely planned to make her crazy by not calling.

No hello from him when she answered the phone. Instead he said, “You didn’t call me.”

While she felt a lightness move through her body at the sound of his voice, she said, “You’re the one who left mad.”

“I wasn’t mad. And anyway, I needed to think.”

She was quiet, hoping he would say he would be over later, that he missed her and he needed to talk, that he couldn’t stand being away from her any longer. That he wanted to feel her, against him, under him, under the coolness of her comforter.

“Okay,” Marnie said. “And did you? Think?”

“I did. I thought a lot. But I haven’t come up with anything.”

“What do you mean? What do you have to come up with?”

“I don’t know. I’m leaving for school earlier than I thought – less than two weeks. I have to get my shit together. With school. And some other things. I have to think about some stuff.”

Her stomach clenched into what felt like a hard rock and she felt like she might vomit. She knew it was coming; hell, she had to be at school in three weeks. And their schools were four hours apart from each other, completely unrealistic for continuing a relationship. Maybe he hadn’t even considered what they had been doing all summer anything special? Maybe he thought less of them than she had. Maybe he had only wanted a summer thing.

But to Marnie, it was, and had been, so much more than that.

She had never felt so connected, so close to anyone; wasn’t sure she’d ever want to find anyone else to be that close with. Yet, she wasn’t able to tell him these things, and that made it all the more frustrating.

She didn’t want to cry, yet could feel her eyes filling. She waited for him to say something else. When he didn’t, Marnie choked out a “So?” as if she expected him to make some decisions. Hadn’t he been calling the shots ever since they met? It was up to him, because what could she do? Ask him to be her boyfriend? That was so queer. She wanted to know, though. She wanted to ask him something, but she didn’t know what to ask. She was afraid of what she might hear.

“So,” he replied finally, “This is what I want.”

She stopped breathing, waited.

“I still have to see you. I’ve been crazy these past two days without you.”

When Joe said those words, Marnie breathed.

He still wanted to see her.

“But you know how hard that’s going to be once we’re back at school, don’t you?”

“Yeah. I know.” It’s all she had been thinking of.

“And I won’t be coming home until Christmas – we go on vacation for Thanksgiving. And to get to Eastern for a weekend, well, that’s like a four-hour drive for you. But, I guess, we could see about it, see how our schedules are? I could come see you at BSU, maybe?”

Marnie steadied her voice, hoping to sound cool. “Yeah, that would be good.” She would drive out to see him, and she had been dreaming of them visiting one another every other weekend. It could work. She wanted it to.

“All right, cool,” he said, as if everything were settled. “So, what’s going on tomorrow?”

“I’ve got to work.”

“I don’t think The Bean needs you as much as I do. Can you call in sick?”

“Okay.”

Chapter Twenty-Two
November 2004

“I’m going to the bakery.”

“We’re exercising here, and now you’re talking about donuts and scones?” Collette puffed air from her lungs as she caught up with Marnie, who had insisted on a power walk at the forest preserve after the boys trudged onto the bus. The two hadn’t walked together since last spring, since before Marnie had gotten pregnant, and then lost the baby.

Marnie had spent the last five months treading life, doing what she could to simply stay afloat, and it had been so hard. So hard. To wake up and simply breathe. To wake and realize the baby she wanted wasn’t there, wasn’t going to be there. She was tired of blaming herself. She was so tired of being tired. She was tired of waking up and not having what she wanted day in and day out. Even more so, she was tired of not knowing what it was that she wanted.

On the surface, it appeared that she had it all. A husband who worked hard to support his family, a photography business that was on the brink of being something bigger than she ever expected, two beautiful healthy children, and yes, she was forever grateful for that, and she did have her own health.

Marnie thought maybe she was ready to try to start living again. She felt like she could finally work on getting back into life, and a walk with an understanding friend on a crisp morning would be a great start. She needed to get her soul in motion. She needed to
feel
like living again. Marnie could try at least. Then she had some other ideas she had to put into action.

“So Marnie, what do you mean, you want to go to the bakery after we work out?” Collette said again.

“No. I’m talking
the bakery.
His grandmother’s bakery.”

“Are you crazy? What exactly are you planning on doing there? Order a cake that says, “Thanks for Screwing up my Young Adulthood?” Collette attempted a joke.

“I don’t know, I could take a look around, get some info. See if anyone’s talking.”

“What are you now, a spy?”

“If he’s coming into town I would like to find out when. My letter to him didn’t exactly get anywhere.”

Collette stopped in the middle of the trail, bent over and grabbed her side. “Where’d you get this sudden burst of energy today, anyway?”

“Just keep up the pace. Are you coming or not?”

“I’m coming, I’m coming, just give me a sec.”

“No. I mean to the bakery. Are you coming with me to the bakery? I figured we could go on Saturday. Stuart will be home with the kids. Saturday mornings are usually pretty busy at bakeries. That’ll be best for being inconspicuous. You in or you out?”

“Mar, it’s like an hour away.”

“You in or you out?”

“What if she recognizes you?”

“His grandmother? Hell, she was halfway to dementia fifteen years ago. I met her once, barely. She doesn’t know who I am. And there’s probably no way there’s a ninety-year-old lady still running a bakery. Right?”

“You’re delirious, you know that?”

“Isn’t that why you’ve been hanging out with me for all these years? Because of that very reason?”

“True,” Collette said, “And yeah, I’m totally coming with.”

Chapter Twenty-Three
August 1988

“There’s somewhere I want to take you.”

They never made plans, and they hadn’t really gone anywhere, except to that party, and that had been horrible, so when he said he wanted to take her somewhere, she hesitated for a second, nervous.

“Where?”

“You’ll see. Trust me?”

Marnie smiled at him. Joe smiled back. Damn, that dimple of his. And those eyes. He hadn’t shaved and she reached up to touch the scratchy stubble on his cheek. What she really wanted to do was grab his arm and pull him back into the house, because school was starting back up way too soon and moments like this wouldn’t be possible much longer.

“Mar?”

Did she trust him?

“Let me grab my purse.”

They drove toward the city and Joe put Marnie in charge of the music. She grabbed the bootleg cassette of The Cure and blasted
Love Song
.

“What a great song.” Joe said. “I love The Cure.”

“Me too,” said Marnie.

Marnie was giddy, the windows were rolled down, her hair was whipping around, Joe’s hand was on her thigh and she’d never felt happier. Why couldn’t she have met him at the
beginning of summer? Why couldn’t she have met him sooner?

And then they pulled up in front of a store. Allesiano’s Italiano Bakery.

“What’s the deal?” Marnie asked. “We’re getting some cake?”

“Come on.” Joe got out, and Marnie tried to hide her smile as he ran to the other side to open the car door for her.

Joe slid his arm around Marnie’s waist and opened the door to the bakery, leading Marnie inside. Little copper bells on the door jingled. Marnie was four years old again, wishing for a smiley-face cookie, wanting to press her nose against the glass cases of pastries. Pretty rows of cupcakes and cookies flanked donuts and Italian desserts. She remembered being a child and always licking frosting from cupcakes first and her stomach spontaneously growled.

“There are gingerbread cookies!” she reached for Joe’s hand. “It smells awesome in here!”

“Rosalee!” Joe greeted the woman behind the counter. “Where’s Nonna?”

“Joey! Ah, Joey! You’re here!” The woman named Rosalee wiped her hands on her well-worn embroidered apron, and moved from behind the counter. She hugged Joe and looked toward Marnie.

“I’m Rosalee.”

“This is Marnie, Aunt Rosalee. Marnie, my Aunt.” Joe made the introductions. “This is our family’s bakery.”

“You never told me you had a bakery!”

“A big family secret.
”

Marnie turned her attention to Rosalee. “So nice to meet you, Rosalee. This place is wonderful.”

“Where’s Nonna, is she in the back?” Joe asked.

“Who’s looking for me?” From behind the kitchen came an Italian voice, and then an older woman with gray hair and e
yes the same hazel color as Joe’s appeared in the doorway. Her eyes lit up and her face softened. “Joey! Mio Nipote!”