A Little Bit of Everything Lost (25 page)

She thought about what she had now. Two beautiful children, another on the way. An adoring husband who worked hard and cherished his children and his marriage. A man who would do anything for her. Who loved her more than she deserved. She had a career that was flexible, a career that she loved. One that she had wanted to succeed at since she was a young girl. She had security, a safe home, a family who loved her, a beautiful life.

She couldn’t believe she hadn’
t taken her pregnancy seriously from the very beginning. Why hadn’t she told Stuart about it immediately? What had held her back from being honest with him in the first place? She was glad she had made the appointment with the therapist – Marnie knew that was the first step to getting well.

Marnie had good memories of Joe. She had had beautiful experiences. And she knew without a doubt that he had loved her. At some point, he had felt for her love. Real love, no matter what had happened. They had been so young. So very young. What did they know so many years ago? They had both made mistakes. Isn’t that how people grow and learn? Didn’t she learn from her mistakes? She had hoped so.

Marnie put the lid on the box and stood up, stretched her back and felt her ligaments pull. She reached the palms of her hands behind her, arched her low back, and raised her head to the ceiling. One lone light bulb hung from a string. Marnie blinked back the glare from looking too long at its brightness.

She had spent more time up there reminiscing and hadn’t even gotten to the baby stuff. Marnie did a couple more arm stretches and shoulder rolls and then made her way toward the boxes labeled “Trey Newborn.” That’s when she lost her balance.

When she fell, her right leg collapsed onto a rafter but she was able to protect her belly when she went down. She lay there for a moment assessing the damage, rubbing her shoulder and elbow, where she took most of the hit. While it hadn’t hurt all that much, the enormity of what might have happened kept her there in quiet shock. Then she instinctively moved her hands over her belly to check for damage.

“
Come on baby, move baby, move,” she coaxed.

For the first few moments, she felt nothing and panic began to swell in her throat. She
reminded herself that she hadn’t fallen on her stomach, and only her shoulder seemed to have been hurt. Marnie rolled onto her back and closed her eyes. She waited, praying a silent prayer, and rubbed her belly.

“Everything’
s okay baby, please God, just move for Mama,” she said.

Just when panic was about to take over, she felt the teeniest spark of a movement and Marnie exhaled, not even knowing she had been holding her breath. Tears came, and then she laughed.

“Good baby, good baby,” she said, “That’s my good baby.”

Chapter
Fifty-Five
New Year’s Eve 1988

“Go get one,” Marnie whispered into Joe’s ear, her breathing coming quick.

“I don’t have any.”

“What?” Marnie sat up on the bed, removing herself from Joe.

“I didn’t… well, I didn’t think we’d be doing it tonight. And I didn’t want to push you.” He moved toward her again, wrapped his arms around her naked waist, and pulled her close. She felt his hardness, and while she wanted him so badly, she knew.
She knew.
And she couldn’t.

She turned away from him and stayed quiet, and Joe curled himself up against her, both of them naked, and so, so close. Yet Marnie felt so far away from him. She and her secret felt forever away. But at the same time, it was right there in the room with them, pulling them apart.

“What’s the matter? We don’t have to do anything more. I just want to be here with you. We can stay like this all night, right? Your parents are at the lake.”

Marnie swiped a tear away
and was glad she wasn’t facing him. Joe moved a hand to her hair, touched her gently and pulled her closer. She didn’t want him to see her crying. She couldn’t tell him.

“Hey, why now? Is it because you’re worried I was wit
h Trina, because if that’s what’s the matter, you don’t have to worry. You don’t think I have anything, do you?” His tone turned on her, and this made Marnie mad. Because he had no idea.

“I don’t know.” Marnie replied softly.

“Mar. Look. I’m here. With you. Doesn’t that say anything? I’m with you. I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

“It’s not that.”

“Then what? Tell me.”

“I don’t want to get pregnant.”

“You won’t.”

“You don’t know that.”

This would have been the right moment. The moment where she could have,
should have
told him everything. Told him about the horrible months she spent waiting for him to call her. She should have told him about the worst day in her life, the day she got rid of their baby. But she couldn’t.

She was crying.

“What’s the matter?” Joe touched her shoulder.

“I don’t know,” Marnie replied, quickly trying to make things better, for the night had turned bad in a matter of seconds. She moved toward him again, and he gathered her close, touching her back, rubbing circles on her skin with his fingertips.

“I’m sorry,” Joe offered.

“Me too.”

“What’s wrong? You can tell me.”

“I can’t.” Marnie wiped away tears. “It’s nothing anyway.” And that’s when she made her decision that she would never tell him. Ever. She didn’t want to lose him. As much as it tore her up inside, as much as it killed her to know what she took away from him, took away a life rightfully belonging to him as well, she feared that would send him away again. This time for good, and she didn’t want that.

“Don’t cry.” He turned her toward him and smiled at her, caressed her shoulder, and touched her collarbone lightly. Then he kissed her on the lips, soft and gentle, which made her want to cry harder.

“Smile,” he said, tugging at her bottom lip with his finger.

She did. But inside, she ached for all she had already lost.

Chapter Fifty-Six
The Pregnancy – June 2004

A week after the fall in the attic, when Marnie first felt it, she thought it was her bladder, and that she had to pee. In the bathroom, it was something else, something much worse. There, in the bathroom, on the floor, it happened. In a rush of fluid, it all came out, and she lay there, severely cramping, shivering and feverish, not sure what was happening or what to do, and then she looked down and saw.

There was so much blood.

When she had given birth before, she had never seen the blood. In the hospital, with Jeremy, and then with Trey, she had been in a bed, and it had been
clean and sterile and she hadn’t seen the stuff down below; the nurses had taken care of her. She had had ice chips, an epidural, even a doula, and Stuart had been there. She’d had a focal point, and breathing techniques. There’d been someone at her bottom to clean up any of the blood.

Here, it was everywhere, and she couldn’t control the shaking, and she didn’t really know what was going on or what was coming out of her. Marnie was crying and sweating and clutching her stomach and screaming but no one was there to help her and almost as quickly as it had started, it seemed to have passed.

She lay on the tile floor and tried to steady her breathing, tried to make sense of what had happened.

It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.

I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay.

She put her hands to her temples and whimpered. There was blood everywhere – splattered on the floor, near the bathtub, even some on the back of the door. A puddle had pooled at the bottom of the sink where Marnie lay. The only thing she could think of was that she needed to get what had fallen out of her and take it to the hospital.

Because her baby needed to get to the hospital.

Marnie grabbed a clean towel and, still attached to her baby, she wrapped it up and dragged herself to the car.

**

  Somehow, Marnie drove to the hospital. She parked, gently lifted her swaddled baby and headed to the ER entrance. The whole time she kept telling herself,
“Be calm, be calm, be calm,”
and she thought she was doing fine.

Except she wasn’t.

She didn’t notice the trail of blood, or how her hair was smattered against her face, didn’t realize she was sobbing hysterically. When she walked through the ER doors, someone shouted for help and four staff members rushed to her and reached out for her.

She looked up to them, confused for a moment, and said, “My baby, something’s wrong with my baby.”

Then, Marnie passed out.

Chapter Fifty-Seven
January 1989

“I thought we were going out to dinner? Why are we here?” Marnie asked when Joe pulled up at his parent’s house.

“Because, I want to do this right.”

“Do what?”

“You’ll see.”

He turned the car off, took the key out of the ignition, leaned over and placed his palms on either side of her face. He kissed her softly on the mouth, and then on both sides of her cheeks. He got out, ran to her side of the car, and opened her door.

“Well, so far, so good,” Marnie laughed as she got out.

Joe took her hand and led her to the house.

“I can assume no one’s home, huh?” Marnie asked.

“Good guess,” Joe smiled. The flutters started up inside Marnie, and she smiled back. It was nice to feel them, to feel something she recognized as normal. God, she didn’t want this to end. School started back in two and a half weeks and the thought scared the hell out of her. Everything was perfect when she and Joe were together. They were like magnets, the two of them, they just clicked with one another, how could they be apart? She didn’t know how she was going to make it back at school without him. And she was pretty sure he was for real serious about her this time.

He opened the front door and led her inside. Marnie gasped.

“Joe.”

Red and pink rose petals carpeted the foyer, and candles illuminated the staircase and the mantle.

“Your parents are definitely not home.”

Joe caught Marnie around the waist and looked deep into her eyes. He wouldn’t look away. She held onto him tightly, staring back. She could see her own reflection in his pupils.

“I wanted to do something special.” He moved his hands along her back and she pushed into him, feeling his body pressing back. God, how she wanted to feel him like she had over the summer, but she was so scared of what it might feel like since the…

Then Joe kissed her, and she kissed back, and his hands were in her hair, and they moved to the living room. They kissed for a while and then Joe said, “Hold that thought.”

He lit a fire, set up pillows and blankets, and moved back to Marnie to kiss her again.

Marnie tried not to think that he had been with Trina. She put her mind on Joe. Focused on him and what he was doing to her, and how good it felt and how nice he treated her… and then nothing mattered but being there with him again.

He turned her away from him and slid her skirt from her hips until it dropped to the floor. Then he pulled her tights from her legs as well, trailing his fingers over her thighs, as he did so. He removed her black turtleneck so that all she was wearing was her bra and underwear. Her eyes were closed, anxiously anticipating what would come next. He moved her hair out of the way, kissed at her neck, and then unhooked her bra, but didn’t take it off. Instead, he ran his fingers lightly down her back and she shivered. Then Joe slid her underwear down and Marnie stepped out of them. Joe knelt down and kissed the back of her knees.

The back of my knees!
She was not going to forget this.

She removed her arms from the straps of her bra, and it fell to the flo
or. She turned and knelt down by Joe, and he lifted his arms so she could remove his shirt.

This time, he was fully prepared. He took his time, and was gentler than ever.

They were on the blanket, surrounded by pillows, moving together in quiet rhythm. He whispered to her, telling her how much he cared about her, and how he never wanted to hurt her the way he knew he had ever again, whispering things to her she had always wanted him to say. He touched her more carefully than she remembered him ever touching her, so softly, so lovingly that she wanted to cry.

She felt like she was ready, and then suddenly she was there, and he was too, but they were quiet, so quiet, moving in sync, fixated only on each other, staring at one another as it was happening. Their hearts were beating together as their breathing came quicker. The room was still but Marnie felt as if they were on a carousel, spinning, faster and faster, and the fire got hotter and brighter and their breathing got louder and everything was lighter and then, together, all the air in them left at once.