A Little Bit of Everything Lost (19 page)

“Yeah, can you?”

Marnie and Collette followed the nurse to the back room.

“Which one?” the nurse asked.

Marnie hesitated.

“Which one of you is having the procedure?”

“Oh. Me.” Marnie whispered, wishing it wasn’t her, trying to move outside of her body so that she didn’t have to feel any of this, she just wanted to get it over with.

“Okay, your friend can come in for the consult, but then she’ll have to wait.” The nurse finally smiled. It felt like a gift.

“Thank you.”

“Someone will be with you in a minute.”

When the door closed and it was just Marnie and Collette, Marnie finally said what she had been thinking the whole morning: “I don’t think I can go through with this.”

Marnie noticed the color drain from Collette’s face. “It’s just, I’m scared. And it’s a baby. A real baby. How could I do this to a human being?” Marnie continued, waiting for the flush of color to return to Collette’s cheeks.

“Marn. You can’t. I mean, you have to.”

“I… I know… but.”

“Look. Marnie, I can imagine how you feel, but it’s your life too. You can’t just let some guy sweep in like he did, and then, leave you… like this. With a baby. You can’t live the rest of your life with a child and no father.
Especially
with no father.”

“Oh God. I know, but… ”

“You don’t have a job. Your parents would absolutely freak. You have to think of everyone else who’ll be affected if you kept it. You can’t. You know that. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re not. You’re a kind, good person, who never deserved to be treated this way by such a jackass… ”

“But, he doesn’t know. If he knew… ”

“Marnie, if he knew, he would have convinced you to do this the moment you told him, and you know what,
you would have done it.
You would have absolutely done it the second he told you to, and then he would have just dropped you again, forgot you even existed. Like he has already.”

The words stung Marnie, and she wiped at falling tears, but she knew Collette was right. He would have never wanted this. He hadn’t even wanted her.

There was a light tap on the door and a middle-aged man entered the room. He appeared pleasant. Marnie wondered how he could like his job, like doing what he was going to do to her and to her baby. How could a man do this and then go home to his family, maybe even his own children and not think about how his days are spent, how he makes his paycheck? How could he look at his children and think he spent the day ending lives of other children, just because the mother said to do so.

Marnie felt like she had to throw up again.

“Morning. I’m Dr. Benquist. Who’s Marnie?”

“Me.”

“And you? Moral support?” he addressed Collette.

“Yes. Collette.”

Dr. Benquist nodded. “Nice of you to come for her.” Then he addressed Marnie, “Okay, I have to ask some personal questions now. You want your friend to stay for this part?”

“Please.” Marnie exhaled.

“Okay, so, let’s get started. This your first pregnancy?”

“Yes.”

“And the father?” he asked.

“My dad doesn’t know. Neither does my mom,” Marnie admitted.

“No. I’m talking about the father of the… ” Dr. Benquist hesitated.
Baby,
Marnie thought.

“The boy who got you pregnant? Is he aware?”

“No. We’re not in touch any longer.”

“Okay.”

“When was your last period?”

“August.”

“Do you know the exact date?”

“Uh, I’m not sure. Maybe the fifth or sixth.”

Dr. Benquist pulled out a calendar tool of some sort and slid it around.

“Do you realize you’re probably well into your second trimester already? You might even be thirteen or fourteen weeks.”

“I didn’t know. I don’t… ”

“I’m just saying, you’ve waited too long. I don’t mean too long to get the procedure done– ”

“Abortion.” Marnie whispered.

“Yes, I know what it’s called. And, I have to be very clear with you. An abortion at this stage is a… well, it’s going to be harder on your body than if you had come four weeks, heck, even two weeks ago, your body would have been able to handle it better. But, well, I’ve done them on patients up to sixteen weeks, so I can do this one, but, let me just tell you. You’re going to be in pain. And you will probably bleed for a month afterward, maybe more.”

Marnie nodded, mentally preparing herself. She wanted to just yell at the guy, to tell him to get her on the table and get it over with already. Get it over and done with so she can go back to being a normal college student. She wanted to feel normal again, and she hadn’t felt normal since before she met Joe.                                                                     

“Okay, then.” Dr. Benquist leaned over and pulled out a paper robe. “Put this on. I’ll be back in a minute. I need to do a quick check of your uterus, and then we can get started. Your friend can stay until I come back.” The doctor nodded, but didn’t offer a smile and walked out the door.

Marnie burst into tears, and Collette moved to her. “It’s going to be okay, Marn. It’ll all be over soon.”

Marnie couldn’t control the sobbing, and her face grew hot and splotchy and she felt her heart tearing up inside of her, fearing she was doing the wrong thing, but knowing it was too far now to make any other changes.

“You should get changed,” Collette suggested. Marnie reached for the robe, and removed her shirt. She saw Collette staring at her chest.

“I know, they’re so huge now, and they hurt all the time.” Marnie tried to smile, but the tears came again.

“You’ve got to hold it together. I think he’ll be a lot nicer if you don’t act all scared and such. He’s just trying to get through his day.”

Marnie whimpered. “So am I. Me too. I just want to get through my day too.”

Marnie took off her jeans, the ones she had not been able to button. She kept her socks and her underwear on.

When the doctor returned, there was a nurse with him. “This is Renda. She’ll be assisting in the procedure.”

Abortion!
It’s a fucking abortion and I don’t want to do this but I’ve got no other choice!
Call it an abortion because that’s exactly what it is!
Marnie wished she were strong enough to yell the words. She should have been; if she were going to be strong enough to do what she was about to do, telling the doctor her thoughts shouldn’t be too hard.

But then Renda smiled at Marnie, and it was a smile that said she felt sorry for Marnie, and that she knew Marnie was not a bad person for doing this, that she imagined Marnie had run out of choices, and that everything was going to be all right.                                                                
              “Your friend can wait outside now,” Dr. Benquist said, nodding to the door.

“Collette,” Marnie said. She figured the asshole could at least address her friend by her first name.

“Yes, I’m sorry. Collette, would you mind waiting out there?”

“Bye Marnie,” Collette headed out and Marnie bent her head down, busying herself with the paper robe.

“We’ll come get you after she’s in recovery,” Renda said.

With Collette gone, the doctor turned his attention to Marnie. “Okay, you can lie down now. I want to check your uterus.”

Marnie did as she was told, and the doctor shifted the paper robe over to palpitate Marnie’s lower abdomen.

“Hon, you’ll need to take these off,” Renda patted at Marnie’s underwear.

Marnie slid them off, as modestly as she could, and then lay back onto the lightly padded table.

Renda touched her arm. “We’re going to give you an IV with a sedative, and
some other medication since you’re a bit further along than most.”

Marnie nodded and she felt the prick of a needle as Renda worked to get the IV put into place.

The doctor kept pressing on her belly, and then asked Marnie to move down to the bottom of the table, and to place her feet into the stirrups.

“Don’t worry,” Renda assured Marnie, “The sedative will kick in quickly.”

Marnie nodded, and soon she felt a curtain of fog spread through her as her senses began to soften. She was able to move out of her body, but not out of the room. She wished for anything, thought of a beach, a hammock, tried to move her thoughts to happier times, but the most recent she could think of were times when she was with Joe, which caused her to tense up again, until she remembered the sedative and tried to do some slow deep breathing.

She felt the doctor push her knees apart, and heard Renda ask her to move further down on the table. Marnie felt something small and slick slide inside her and heard the doctor mumble to Renda, then she heard Renda say okay. She clenched her teeth and squeezed shut her eyes, tried to tell herself this was no worse than a regular pap smear; tried to imagine that’s all that was happening to her. Then she felt the speculum edge its way into her body. Marnie tried to fake her mind into thinking she was just there for her usual exam, but she couldn’t get past the reason for her being there.

Images of tiny babies floated through her mind, tiny babies with fully formed fingers, eyes clamped tight, lungs sucking, feet kicking. She couldn’t stop these thoughts, and as much as she tried, the images continued to float in front of her closed eyes.

She heard the clanking of what she figured was a steel bowl and sterile medical equipment. She felt the ooze between her legs and a scraping sensation and she instinctively tightened her vaginal muscles.

“Loosen up,” the doctor instructed. Renda moved toward the top of the table, put a cool cloth on Marnie’s forehead.

“Are you all right?”

Marnie tightened up her face, tried to move her mouth to say yes, but instead, her head shook from side to side.

“You’re doing just fine. He’ll be done soon.”

But that was a lie. It wasn’t soon. At least not for Marnie. She felt the scraping, and the pulling, and imagined everything she absolutely shouldn’t have been thinking of. Baby’s birthday parties and booties, feedings at two a.m., a first smile, giggles and coos, a teeny newborn finger grasped around her own finger.

Then: “I’ll need suction.”

Renda moved away from Marnie, patting her shoulder on her way back to the end of her baby. She heard a machine click on and couldn’t help but think of her mother’s Hoover vacuum, sucking up all the dust and the cobwebs and the mistakes of her life.

The biggest mistake.

And the biggest regret, she was sure of this.

The absolute greatest mistake Marnie had ever made.

She was absolutely sure.

Chapter Forty-Two
The Pregnancy – April 2004

“So, according to your last period, if that date is correct, you think you’re about eighteen weeks pregnant?”

“Yes, that’s about right.”

The nurse looked at Marnie’s midsection. “And you have two children at home?”

“Uh huh.”

“You’re hardly showing,” the nurse exclaimed.

“Is that bad?” Marnie asked.

“Well, no. It’s just that with a third pregnancy, they usually pop at like week six, and you’re al
most half-way through. Maybe it’s how you’re built.”

Marnie stretched her neck to see her nametag, and discovered this nurse, who was beginning to annoy her, was named Agatha.

“So let’s weigh you, shall we?” Agatha said.

Marnie hopped up onto the scale. She was still wearing all of her clothes, and when Agatha got the number, and compared it to her chart, she clicked her tongue like an upset sorority house mother.

“You were here last May for your annual, and you’re six pounds less than what you weighed back then,” Agatha accused.

“Well, I’
ve been walking a few times a week, and maybe I lost weight before I got pregnant?” Marnie offered.

“Let’s see what the doctor says. He’ll probably order an ultrasound.”

“Okay.”

“Let me get your history updated. Age?”

“Thirty-four.”

“Number of pregnancies.”

Marnie always lied on this one. “Two. Not including this one.”

“Number of living children.”

“Two.”

Marnie’
s eyes welled with tears.

Agatha glanced her way. “What’s the matter, hon?”

“Um, I’m just worried about this pregnancy.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I’m not gaining weight, I guess. I haven’t had the same symptoms as before. I guess I feel weird because I don’t feel weird.”

Agatha actually took the time to pat Marnie’s hand, to give her some reassurance. “We’ll get the doctor in here, he’ll talk to you, do your exam, and put your mind at ease.”