A Little Bit of Everything Lost (23 page)

As Joe led Marnie up the walk, he turned and stopped her on the front step. “I forgot to mention one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Nobody’s home.” He smiled.

“Nobody’s home.” Marnie repeated.

Joe unlocked the front door and led Marnie inside. It looked exactly as she had thought Joe’s home might look. Clean, white, classy.

The tree – probably twelve feet tall to accommodate the cathedral ceiling of the living room, stood majestically in the center of the front window, a pile of unopened presents, all wrapped in the same glossy green paper and satin white bows, underneath.

Joe flicked on a switch, and the tree lit up, not typical white bulbs, but shiny gold prisms sparkled through the room. Marnie stepped toward the tree, and Joe said, “Go ahead… there’re some cheesy homemade ornaments.”

Marnie touched the glass ornaments, and wondered what it would have been like, to be here with Joe and his family, decorating the tree. She found a paper plate ornament with his preschool photo
glued onto it. She imagined Joe’s four-year-old fingers struggling to piece the green yarn through the hole on top of the plate. She pictured him biting his lip as he squeezed the Elmer’s glue onto the back of his photo before smashing it over the blob, securing the photo in place. She smiled.

“You like that one?”

“Yes. I guess I’m just trying to picture you as a little innocent kid.”

“Yeah, well, that was a long time ago. I’m not so innocent.”

Marnie cast her eyes lower on the tree, did not want to look at Joe, to have him tell her he’s not innocent, but maybe he was admitting to being guilty of treating her wrongly. She looked up again, and he was looking at her through the glow of the light.

“Where is everyone?” she asked.

“The country club, then midnight family bowling. I got out of it. I wanted to see you. They won’t be back for a couple of hours.”

“I thought your grandma lived with you?”

“She’s at my aunt’s for the holiday.”

“Oh.” Marnie didn’t know what else to say. She just kept looking at the tree.

“I have something for you.” And he bent down and chose the smallest gift in the pile, the only one she hadn’t noticed. It wasn’t wrapped like the others. This gift was wrapped in solid blue shiny paper, with a teeny gold bow on top.

“I didn’t get you anything. It’s only been like… we haven’t been… I don’t know… ”

“I know. But I wanted to. I know I hurt you before, and I… well, this is a Christmas gift. And it’s Christmas. You can get me one next year.” He grinned at her and she stepped toward him, looking at the small rectangular package.

“I just feel… Well, it sounds stupid to say, but you shouldn’t have.”

“Take it. Please.”

Marnie sat on the couch, and Joe sat next to her, placing the gift in her hands. He kept his hands on top of hers for a moment, and Marnie willed her hands to stop shaking. Finally, she slipped her finger through the top of the paper and peeled off the layer of wrap. A simple white box was underneath. When she pulled the lid off, she found a watch.

It was the perfect gift. Not too intimate, pretty with a gold bracelet linked band. She pulled it out and Joe took it and placed it on her wrist.

“It’s really pretty, Joe. I love it.” Marnie looked at him. “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” Joe paused. “Thank you for giving me another chance. Thank you for letting me be with you.”

He took her in his arms and she breathed in his scent, smelling the all-familiar
Obsession
, putting it once again to memory, thinking she would never again have a Christmas like this in her life, hoping that Joe would stay around, hoping that he meant what he said about her being able to get him a gift next year.

Chapter Fifty
The Pregnancy – May 2004

“
When can I be on a real team, Mommy?” Trey asked from his spot on the bleachers, his ball cap covering his eyes. Marnie tipped it away from his face so she could look at him.

“
Honey, you are on a real team,” she said.

“
No, I mean a team like Jeremy, with a real pitcher. I don’t want to play dumb T-ball anymore.”

Stuart, who was on the
other side of Trey, jumped in. “Buddy, next season, okay? I promise. And maybe I’ll even be able to coach you, and then I could pitch the ball to you. Would you like that?”

Mar
nie lifted her eyes to Stuart, “What are you talking about?” And then she lowered her voice so Trey couldn’t hear. “Don’t make him promises you can’t keep.”

“Maybe
I’m not.”

Marnie turned her attention back to t
he game. Jeremy was up to bat. “Come on Jeremy!”

Later, after dinner and showers, and reading books to the boys and kisses and tuck-ins, Marnie lay in bed reading
Pregnancy Now
magazine. Stuart came into the room and pointed to the bed, “You’ve got room for me?”

“Of course.”

He sat down onto the bed and nodded to her belly. “So, how are you feeling?”

“You really want to know?”

“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know. It’s my baby too.”

Marnie felt the edges of her lips move into what felt like a smile, something that rarely happened these days.

“I’m exhausted, that’s how I feel. But grateful too. And still very, very sorry.”

“
I get it. How about we try to move on from all of that now?” Stuart suggested.

“Huh?”
she asked.

“
From you being sorry and so guilty and from me being hurt and angry. It’s not doing either one of us very much good. And it can’t be doing the baby any good either. It is what it is, right. The baby’s here. We’re having the baby. Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. We will figure this whole thing out. Together. Okay?”

He took her hand, a gesture she had been hoping for, and it felt warm and reassuring in her own cold hand.

“Okay.”

“Good. Now I’
m going to go take a quick shower and then I expect my normal non-sorry, pregnant wife to be in this bed when I get back. Deal?”

“I’
m trying.”

Marnie put her magazine down and shut off her nightstand light. She pulled up the covers and sank deep down into the comforter. She reveled in the coolness of the white cotton sheets. The days were beginning to get warm and the sheets felt so cool and crisp on her tired and achy body. She placed her hands along the width of her stomach and felt the tightness there.

And that’s when it happened. At first she wasn’t quite sure, but then it happened again.

The soft flutter inside. A quick move, a little roll, but she felt it, and that’s when it hit her.

All of her insecurities, all of the doubts and fears, whatever had been holding her back before, vanished with that first connection with her baby.

She kept her hand on her belly, and felt its firmness, low and hard. She felt the soft roll of her baby again, imagined her baby safe inside, moving slowly and gently, and then, a firm quick kick.

Marnie jumped, and then she laughed.

St
uart was back in the room now. “What’s up?” he asked.

“
Come, put your hand on my belly.” She reached up for him.

“I just felt our baby move.”

Chapter
Fifty-One
December 1988

When they pushed open the door at The Bean, Marnie and Joe were not surprised to see the place practically empty as Paula greeted them. It was raining so badly out, and it was so cold, they figured it would soon be turning to slushy snow and icicles. They shook the chill off, removed their jackets and gloves, stomped their feet. Marnie shook her stringy wet hair and Joe took off his gray fleece hat. His hair sprung up from static electricity and Marnie reached up to fix it.

“Your hair’s a mess,” she said.

“Yours too,” he smiled at her as they moved to their booth.

They sat there, drinking coffee at The Bean, and he touched her wrist, played with the watch he gave her, moved his fingers in and out of the band. It continued to rain outside, the kind of freezing rain that would at any moment turn into something different. Maybe something wonderful. Marnie didn’t care if it turned into a blizzard. She was happy being there with him, and if they got stuck in The Bean forever, she wouldn’t care.

Joe reached for her face and touched cheek her gently.

“Your mascara, it’s running.” He wiped it from just below her eye.

She sipped at her coffee. God, she couldn’t believe he was here again.

“You got a pen in that bag of yours?” he asked.

“Sure, probably.” Marnie dug around until she came up with a couple of pens. “Here you go. Why?”

“Let’s play some games.”

He drew a tic-tac-toe board on a napkin and they began to play. Marnie was giddy. From the caffeine, from the rain, and from being there, again with Joe. Paula came by to refill their cups.

“You guys want anything to eat?” Paula asked.

“Thanks, maybe a little later,” Joe said.

“Yeah,” Marnie added. “I think we’re going to be here for a while.”

“You let me know, kids.”

After a couple of cats games of tic-tac-toe, Marnie put an X in the middle left spot on the napkin and slapped her hand on the table. “I win!”

Joe grinned. “I let you win that one,” and took a long sip of his coffee.

“Why’d you do that?”

“Because, seeing you smile like that is so worth it. I love seeing you this happy.”

“Well, you can’t do that anymore.”

“What? Let you win, or see you this happy?” Joe asked.

“You can’t let me win. You have to play fair.” Marnie said.

“I’m trying to play fair. I want you to know this. I’ve been playing the fairest I can. Obstacles, mainly one obstacle, got in the way. I want to play fair. I want you to be happy. From now on. Okay?”

Marnie got that he wasn’t just talking about the game, but rather, things that had prevented him from being with her during the school semester. She also got that he wasn’t quite ready to discuss this ‘obstacle,’ although Marnie kind of had her suspicions. She was willing to wait until he was ready.

“Okay. I’m going to go check my mascara. Be right back.”

“Okay. And next game, you’re going down,” Joe said as she left the booth.

“Whatever,” Marnie turned to see Joe doodling on the napkin. He looked up at her and winked.

Chapter
Fifty-Two
The Pregnancy – June 2004

Summer vacation was two weeks away and Marnie was taking advantage of what would be a quiet house for only a little while longer. Feeling motivated, she went into the garage, pulled the ladder from its hanging post on the wall, and felt her belly tighten. She dropped the ladder and reached down quickly to grab her stomach for a moment, pausing. When the tightness in her belly subsided, she maneuvered through the boxes she had meant to take to Goodwill, and knocked over Trey’s bike while dragging the ladder behind her.

“Shit.”

Back inside, Marnie set the ladder down in the hallway and rubbed her low groin. She hoped she didn’t have to start wearing those granny nylons to keep varicose veins from bulging. Or maybe she should have been wearing them all along and she wouldn’t have annoying cramps and groin pains in the first place.

When Stuart had left this morning, they seemed more together than they had been in a long while. He kissed her goodbye, a soft, meaningful kiss, and said he would check in with her that evening once he landed. The night before, when she had felt the baby move, and then after, when she and Stuart had curled close together in bed, holding one another for the first time in a long time, really connecting, it finally felt like he had forgiven her, and her guilt was melting. Marnie felt like she was learning to breathe normally again.

And now that the boys knew about the baby and seemed excited about the pregnancy, well, everything seemed like it might be okay.

The boys asked a lot of questions about the new baby, and were excited to get a nursery ready. They talked about a room full of trains and elephants, or maybe teddy bears and racecars. Trey had already said if the baby was a boy, he wanted to share his room with him, and he would get bunk beds and sleep on the top, “Because babies roll around a lot and I don’t want the baby to fall off the top.” Of course, Marnie was hoping the baby was a girl, but she didn’t share this with anyone.