A Little Bit of Everything Lost (30 page)

“I’ll let you explain,” Marnie said, “I have some things to tell you, too.”

**

They went to the place that used to be called The Bean, which was now Java, Juice & Jams. It was a place where, in addition to coffee, they served high-sugared frozen fruit smoothies and played loud music for the teen set. Not a good place for revisiting their past. Instead, Joe suggested they find a Starbucks, which served them well. It wasn’t too crowded, and after they got coffees (they both still drank heavy Brazilian blends), they settled into cushy velvet chairs in the corner, a sort of confessional.

“I remember the first time I saw you.”

Marnie blew into her coffee to cool it, looking over the lip of her cup, but said nothing.

He continued, “I saw you right away. When you and your friend came in, Connie?”

“Close. Collette. She’s still my best friend.”

“Collette,” he said. “So, your hair was all that eighties look everyone had back then, the high bangs, lots of spray. You were wearing a light pink tank top and jeans.”

“Jean shorts,” she corrected him.

“Oh yes, I definitely remember those shorts,” his eyes crinkled at the edges. He was fifteen years older, but in a way, hadn’t aged. They both laughed. It was an easy laugh. It was as if they were back to the moments they had shared so long ago.

“I was coming out of the kitchen, and I had been taking a drink of my beer, probably a Miller Lite back then, and there you were. I walked back into the kitchen because I had to get hold of myself.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. I did.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Well, if you recall, I didn’t share much back then.”

“That was a bit of a frustration for me.”

“I’m sorry for that. For a lot of things. That’s why I wanted to look you up. Once the divorce was final, I felt I needed to, well, I know you sent that Christmas card. My mom sent it to me. I planned on reaching out to you then, but she… ”

“I get it.”

“So anyway, after I went back into the kitchen, I finished my beer and one of my buddies came in and I asked him who you were, and he must have known Collette or something, and he told me your name. I slammed another beer in there, got some liquid courage and went to find you.” He took a slow sip of his venti.

“I remember thinking the first time I saw you I thought you might be a player,” Marnie said.

He nodded.

“I didn’t think it would be this easy to talk to you again. I was so nervous,” Marnie said, “I’m glad you looked me up. There have been so many things I’ve wanted to know all of these years. I have always wondered… ”

There was a buzzing sound and Marnie and Joe both reached for their cell phones. It was Stuart.

“Hello?” Marnie looked up apologetically to Joe. He gave her a non-verbal sign for ‘it’s-okay-take-the-phone-call.’ She smiled, pushed her bangs from her face, and turned her attention to her husband.
Her husband.

“… Yes, I’ll be home in about twenty... Is he running a fever?… The Motrin is in our bathroom… Okay… Yes… Me too.” She hung up.

“I’m sorry. My son, he’s got a fever. I’ve got to go.”

“Totally understand. Your son, is he okay?”

“Yes, just a fever, he’s six.” Marnie wasn’t sure why she added that last part, but there it was. Joe now knew she was married and had at least one child.

“Mar?” God, she remembered how he used to call her Mar. Her heart flipped.

“Yes?” she said as she rose to leave, pushing her bangs back again.

“There’s still a lot I have to say. That I want to tell you. Am I able to call you?”

“Yes.”
Yes.

And her heart flipped again.

Chapter
Sixty-Nine
November 2004

After Marnie checked Trey’s temperature (a non-threatening 100.3) and gave him a cool cloth for his head, she tucked him in under his fire truck sheets. In the family room, Jeremy was putting together a K’Nex set, one that he said was “way too hard for six-year-olds so it was a good thing Trey had a fever.”

“So,” Marnie started, “crazy thing happened with that photo shoot I did the other day.”

“Yeah?” Stuart was on the floor focused on the K’Nex directions.

“Turns out it was an old boyfriend who booked the sitting for his family.”

“Hmmm.”

“Don’t you think that’s weird?”

“Maybe he saw your work and knows how talented you are?” Stuart said, and then to Jeremy, “Here, try this yellow piece over there on top of that square one.”

Jeremy took the K’Nex piece and then said, “Hey Mom, maybe the guy’s still in love with you!”

“Ha ha ha, Jeremy, you are a funny one. Besides, it was like sooo long ago.”

Stuart looked up at Marnie. “Hey, is this the guy from college? That one?”

Marnie told Stuart about the abortion after they were together for about eight months. It was a night when they had been drinking wine and talking about their pasts. They had been talking about exes, who they had hurt, and how they had been hurt and by whom. Stuart shared how he had been engaged to a flight attendant once but broke it off well before any wedding planning began. Marnie told Stuart about her abortion, even though it was so painful to expose that part of her life. She knew it was important though, and necessary; she knew at that point she wanted to have a future with Stuart, could imagine being married to him, and wanted to be as open and honest with him. She still wanted to be honest with him.

“So, it’s
that
guy?” Stuart asked.

Marnie pointed to Jeremy, who turned his head for a moment to pick up another K’Nex piece and she mouthed, “little ears” and nodded yes to Stuart.

“What, what, what?” Jeremy shouted. “Hey, I’m part of this family you know! It’s not polite to keep secrets.”

Marnie agreed. It wasn’t polite to keep secrets. That’s why she knew she was going to tell Joe. He was heading back home the following week. She had to tell him.

**

Later, in bed that night, Stuart curled up alongside Marnie, who was flipping through the pages of
Redbook.

“So?” Stuart grinned at Marnie. She put the magazine on the nightstand and turned to him.

“So, what?”

“Is he still your little college heart-throb, your teenage dream?”

“Oh stop it.” She tried to laugh.

“Come on, is he a hottie?”

“Stuart, you’re being silly. We’re adults now. That was practically hundreds of years ago.”

“I know.” He sat up in bed.

“Are you jealous?” Marnie asked.

“Nah. Should I be?”

“Aww, that’s kind of cute,” she paused. “But, in all seriousness, you do know I never told him about the abortion.”

“You didn’t?”

“No. I told you that.” Marnie couldn’t believe how forgetful men could be. Of course, Collette knew this. Collette knew everything. She knew everything about the meeting at Starbucks even, because Marnie called her on the way home. Marnie even told Collette the part about how her heart had done that flip-flop thing. Girlfriends could understand that part. Husbands, not so much.

Marnie was quiet for a second, and then asked, “If you had gotten a girl pregnant in college, and she never told you, do you think you would want to know now?”

“Really?” Stuart asked, propping his head up on his elbow and looking at Marnie thoughtfully.

“Really.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, Marnie, but no.”

“No?”

“Nope.”

“But what if you were in love with her back then?” Marnie asked.

“That’s all good and fine Marnie, but what’s that going to change now? You made your decision back then. Personally, and very selfishly, I think it was the best decision you could have ever made, because it brought you to me.”

Marnie was quiet.

“Think about it. If you didn’t make the decision you made, you’d be the mother of a teenager. You’d either be a single mother, or married to him, or divorced from him.
We… ,
” he tapped his chest hard, pointing to himself, and then pointing to Marnie, “We wouldn’t have us. We wouldn’t have Jeremy or Trey. We wouldn’t have this. I love you. I love our children, I love our lives. I know it sucks that I travel so much for work. Believe me, it sucks for me more than you know. And I know the last five months have been devastating for you. And I wish I could understand you better, and what it’s been like for you. Maybe that’s what’s bringing all these emotions up, is it because of the stillbirth?”

Marnie sniffled, stared at her bare feet, cross-legged on the bed.

“Is that it? Are you sad?”

Marnie looked up at Stuart, her face stoic.

“Nobody wanted my babies. Not him. Not you. I was the only one who wanted them, but I couldn’t take care of them. Emotionally, back then I couldn’t take care of that baby. Physically this time, I couldn’t take care of our baby girl.”

“You know that’s not true, honey.”

“It is true. And you know what,
our baby,
the one I just lost, that was the daughter I’ve always wanted.”

As soon as the words came, Marnie’s hand flew to her mouth and she tried to push them back in. But they hung there. The truth that she had always kept hidden, that she always wanted a girl to nurture and raise. Instead she got rambunctious crazy boys who wore on her very soul, day in and day out, and made her long for the pink and the calm, the softness of curls and pretty, easy simple girl things.

Then the guilt came, and she was sobbing, clinging onto Stuart. He rocked her back and forth, and held her tightly, his hands smoothing her hair.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that. I love Jeremy and Trey with everything that I am. I do. I love my boys so very much. I’m a horrible mother. I don’t even deserve them. I deserve everything that’s happened to me.”

“You don’t deserve any of what’s happened,” Stuart whispered. “You’re going to be okay, you’re beautiful and amazing, and you’re a terrific mother to Jeremy and Trey. They love you so very much.”

Marnie tried to
wipe at her eyes but she couldn’t stop sobbing.

“I’m sorry I haven’
t been there for you like I should have been, and I’m so very sorry that such a horrible thing happened to you, in college and this past summer.”

He held her as she wept in his arms and tears fell from her eyes until she could not cry any longer. Stuart whispered to Marnie tha
t she wasn’t to be blamed for any of it, and that he was so sorry they couldn’t have their baby girl, and so sorry that they had lost her, and that when the time was right, they could try for another baby.

They would try together, on their terms.

Together.

Chapter Seventy
December 2004

By now, Marnie was used to the dogs barking when she rang Sarah’s front door. What she didn’t expect this time was Joe answering the door.

“Hey there, Mar.” She still couldn’t get used to seeing that smile. He hadn’t shaved, and she wondered what it would feel like to reach up and touch the stubble on his chin. He had on worn Levi’s with natural rips in the knees, not the manufactured kind, and a gray T-shirt that was all kinds of right tight. Marnie caught herself looking away, which made Joe smile even more. His bare feet even looked sexy because they were unexpected in the freezing cold December temps.

“Not looking for me?” he asked.

“Not really,” Marnie said, trying to gain composure, glad she had worn her dark jeans, a crisp white button-down that fit her well, and her red Anne Klein pea coat. Heels. She always felt her confidence boost when she was three inches taller.

“Where’s Sarah?” Marnie tried to sound casual.

“Sarah took the kids to the movies.”

“Oh. Should I come back?”

“Nah, she left the check for the photos. All good. Come on in. You look great by the way.”

“A little too late for that.” She laughed, and moved past Joe, her shoulder brushing against his chest.

Dear God, did I just do that? Holy crap.

“Good one, Mar,” Joe laughed. “And yeah, we still have a lot of catching up to do.” Joe closed the door behind them. “I wanted to call you yesterday actually, but then Sarah told me you were stopping by today.”

Marnie did want to talk. She wanted to get everything out in the open. She had to do it. It was now or never. She had loved this man. With everything that she was. It hadn’t mattered that she was only nineteen at the time. She was a person, she was a woman, with passion and feelings and hopes and she had loved him with everything that she was. Then. And yes, she had been scared to tell him that. It hadn’t mattered that she was just a young woman then. He had been her first love. They had experienced so much together.