A Little Bit of Everything Lost (26 page)

They breathed in what was left of each other.

And the world ended and it didn’t matter. Because it was just the two of them left.

**

Marnie was quiet, trying to steady her breathing, trying to quiet her heart.

“Holy shit Mar.”

Marnie still didn’t say anything.

“You okay?” Joe asked trailing her eyelashes with his fingertips.

“I think so,” she said, and then, she laughed.

A pure, good laugh.

“That was incredible,” Joe said. “I might be seventy years old someday but I will never, ever forget this moment.” He lay next to Marnie and hugged her tight.

She knew she wouldn’
t forget any of it. Ever.

AFTER

Chapter Fifty-Eight
July 2004

“Marnie, get up, let’s get you into a shower,” Collette urged. “Your boys want to go out and play.”

Marnie mumbled into the sheets.

“It’s ten o’clock. It’s been two weeks, hon. I brought Kaylee and Brett over – they want to play with Jeremy and Trey. Let’s get out and do something.”

Collette walked around Marnie’s room, opening the blinds, and folding discarded clothing.

“You know there are cards here from people, and flowers downstairs.”

“That’s nice.”

“And I brought you this.”

Marnie sat up in bed as Collette moved toward her. It was a silver box. “I thought you might want to put, I don’t know… maybe there are some things you have you can put in there. Didn’t the hospital give you… ”

“Yes. They took a photo of the baby, and there’s an ID bracelet. They also clipped a piece of her hair.”

Collette stared at Marnie. It was the first time Marnie had said it out loud. That her baby was a girl.

“Oh Marn.”

“I know,” Marnie’s voice cracked.

“I’m so sorry hon.”

“Me too. I’m so sad. My whole body is sad. I can’t do this. How am I going to live now? I lost my baby. My little girl. How am I going to live?”

Marnie turned and faced her very best friend.

“You know why I lost her, don’t you?” Marnie asked.

Collette looked at Marnie closely and took her hand. “There was nothing you could have done.”

“No. It’s because of the abortion. It’s my punishment.”

“Oh good Lord, Marnie Kretts Werner. I don’t ever want to hear such bullshit come out of your mouth ever again. You are
not
being punished for a decision you made when you were nineteen years old.”

“But… ”

“Stop that talk right now.”

Marnie looked up at Collette, tearful, her hair stringy from it not being washed in more than a week.

“Marnie, look at me. I know that was a difficult decision you made back then. And a horrible time for you. But baby, as your best friend, I’m telling you, truly. Think about it. Think about where you would be in your life today if you chose the other option–”

Marnie cut Collette off. “I wouldn’t be lying in my bed crying over my dead baby. See, they are connected, that’s what I’m trying to say.”

“You’re being delusional. You did the right thing at the right time. The guy wasn’t even around.”

“I just hurt. I hurt and I’m so sad. I’m so, so sad. I’m sad for my baby. I’m sad for me. I’m sad for Jeremy and Trey, too.”

“I know honey. I know.” Collette reached for Marnie and hugged her. “Why don’t we get you into a warm shower, and take the beautiful children that you do have outside for some fresh air and sunshine, and be thankful for them today, and we’ll figure out what to do next. How about we do that?”

“Okay,” Marnie whispered.

“You think we can do that? Just for today? And Stuart will be home in a little bit. He just went out to Home Depot,” Collette said.

“Okay. I’
ll get up.”

“I love you, honey. You’ll get through this.”

“I love you, too,” Marnie said. “I loved those babies too, though. Both of them.”

Chapter Fifty-Nine
January 1989

Marnie wasn’t sure why she wanted to bring Joe to the party in the first place. She knew Collette wasn’t fond of Joe, and the party was being thrown by a friend of Collette’s from college. But this was going to be one of the last times Marnie would get to see Collette before winter break was over. Marnie had promised Collette they would stop by the party for a little while. It didn’t seem like Joe wanted to be there that much either.

“I don’t know why we have to spend tonight at some party where we’ll hardly know anyone?” Joe said as they walked up the steps to the house. “And, do you hear that? They’re playing Poison? Already that’s a bad sign, Mar. Come on, let’s ditch this party. Let’s go back to your house.”

“Joe. No. I promised Collette. It’s probably the last time I’ll see her until spring break.”

“Fine.” Marnie wasn’t used to him pouting.

They walked into the house and Marnie took Joe’s hand. She looked around for Collette. Joe found the keg right away and pulled Marnie in that direction, grabbed two cups and filled them. They drank. Joe wiped beer foam from Marnie’s lip, and then tucked a piece of her stray hair behind her ear, which sent tingles up her spine. Maybe they should have stayed home.

“Hey Marnie!” Collette waved from across the crowded family room, a cigarette in her hand.

“What are you doing smoking?” Marnie asked her.

“You know, only when I drink!” Collette yelled above the noise, which was definitely noise, as they were still playing Poison.

“You remember Joe?” Marnie asked.

“Of course I remember the guy who completely blew you off all last semester,” Collette eyed him suspiciously.

“Touché.” Joe responded.

“I call ‘em as I see ‘em.” Collette replied. “So, how was
your
first semester, Joe?”

“It was fine.”

“Yeah, well Marnie’s sucked.”

Marnie interrupted, “You guys, stop. It’s a party, let’s go do some shots or something.”

Joe shrugged and glanced at Collette.

The three made their way into the kitchen where they joined a group of soccer players from one of the state schools and soon they were all into a serious game of quarters. The music got better, the beers were cold, Collette stopped shooting daggers at Joe, Joe relaxed a bit, and Marnie got shitfaced.

Then someone suggested strip poker.

“I don’t know how to play poker,” Marnie slurred.

“Me neither,” Collette said.

There were two other girls at the table, and the rest were guys, all who knew how to play.

“Not to worry,” one guy offered, while winking at the others, “It’s really easy.”

Cards were dealt, and clothes were removed, piece by piece, in the dimly lit room, until Marnie, Collette, the two other girls, and one guy who sucked at poker, sat only in their underwear.

“I think this game’s about over,” Joe announced, who was fully dressed, minus a shoe.

Marnie looked at him gratefully, her arms crossed over her bare breasts.

“No way man, we’re just getting started!” one of the soccer dudes shouted.

“Nope. Over,” Joe said.

Collette leaned over to grab her clothes and Joe reached for Marnie’s clothes and whispered to her, “Come with me.” She stood up but wobbled and fell back into her chair.

“Whoa, you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, okay.”

He found the bathroom, and grabbed Marnie’s jeans to help her into them. Instead, Marnie grabbed onto Joe’s belt loops and tugged at his pants, giggling. Joe lifted her up by her shoulders and looked into her glassy eyes.

“Hon.”

He never called her hon. She liked that.

“What. Hon?” She repeated, smiling big.

“Earlier tonight Collette said something to me, something kind of rude,” Joe said.

“Mmm?”

“She came up to me in the kitchen when I went to fill up our beers, and she said I was an asshole to you, and that I better never pull any shit like that again, like she was threatening me, almost.”

Marnie didn’t say anything.

“We’re cool, though, right? I mean, we talked about everything from last semester, about everything that happened, and you and I are okay? There’s nothing else is there? It’s like the girl hates me.”

“Do you think I’d be here doing what I’m about to do to you if there was anything wrong?”

“What are you about to do?”

“I wanna play some more,” she said.

“Play what?” he asked.

“Strip poker. You didn’t get nekkid.”

“I didn’t lose.”

“You’re gonna lose now,” Marnie giggled. “Some pants.”

Marnie hooked her thumbs inside the waist of his pants, and slid her fingers slowly around the sides. She kissed his neck and nipped at his earlobe until she heard him moan. There was a knock on the door.

“Someone’s in here.” Joe said.

“Someone’s definitely in here,” Marnie whispered to Joe.

She kissed his neck some more, and then she unbuckled his belt, unsnapped and unzipped his pants. Playfully, she took him in her hands, and still kissing his earlobe, she pushed his pants all the way down, but didn’t remove his underwear. She grabbed at his butt, and squeezed, listening for his moans, and moved her hands to the front, kissing her way down, over his chest, and then, then, she knelt onto the ground, pulled down his underwear and took him into her mouth. He moved his body against the bathroom door and reached his hands to grab her hair.

Sweet Child O’ Mine
played in the other room.

They moved together in rhythm and he had his hands in her hair, and her hands were on his hips and she took him all in, and she wanted him, and it didn’t matter that her knees hurt and her mouth would ache tomorrow, and she would have a killer hangover. What mattered was now, that she was doing this to him, and making him feel good, and that he was here with her.

The music blared from behind the door but it was just the two of them, here in this moment, and all she could think of was Joe and the lyrics from the song:

“Where do we go now? Sweet Child O’ Mine?”

Chapter
Sixty
August 2004

The first time she saw an infant after the stillbirth had been an ordinary day at an unassuming place. Marnie hadn’t even considered the fact that seeing a newborn would be a problem; her emotions had been so flat-lined, emotionally dead up until that point.

For the first few weeks after Marnie lost the baby, she had been going through the motions. She would get up, shower maybe, and make the boys breakfast – those god-awful frozen waffles they loved with the damn syrup that always got everywhere. They’d play in the backyard, and the kids would mention how much fun it would be to have a dog. Then, when it got too hot, they’d go inside, put together some Legos, read, and have lunch. Marnie would put a movie in for the boys, take a pill and then a two-hour nap. Dinner, something microwavable. Baths and bed.

Sometimes Collette and the kids would come over and bring something better for dinner and make them take a walk around the block or go for ice cream. When Stuart was home, he’d help Marnie get through Thursday through Sunday. Things were only slightly better than bearable. On the surface.

As long as Marnie didn’t think that she had just given birth to a dead baby.

They had done an autopsy. Final results determined that her daughter had been beautiful, perfect in every way imaginable. Preeclampsia. No need for anything technical. Dead baby. That’s all the technicality you need when it comes to something that horrible.

She thought of her two dead babies, and the thoughts consumed her. Her first baby, the one she knew she couldn’t take care of – what would she have done if Joe
had
been around? But really, if she had had that first baby, she wouldn’t have had Jeremy and Trey, and Stuart. And if Joe
had
been around, would he have even owned up to his responsibilities and been a man – wanted that baby? God, she was only nineteen then. What did she know when she was nineteen? What the hell did she know now? She didn’t know anything. All she knew now was that she needed to take a pill every day to cope with getting out of bed.

And did her own husband even care about what she was going through? They hadn’t even had a discussion about what happened, but Marnie blamed herself. It was her fault because she got pregnant without letting him know he
r intentions; and then she hadn’t even given him time to process the fact; how could he even process the fact that they lost the baby?