A Little Bit of Everything Lost (5 page)

She tried since college to forget, to forget everything. But because after what had been known as “the horrible incident and what that asshole did to you” by not only her roommate Devon but by Collette too, how could she forget?

For Marnie, this had become more than a question of why Joe never contacted her after that last phone call. It became a piece of grief she held onto. Because of him, Marnie would always worry about what she would tell her future husband, and whether or not she would be able to...

Yes, she needed that closure. She wanted closure so she could get on with her life, try to meet and date new men, try to find someone to love who would love her back. Marnie deserved it.

One night, after happy hour, and an extra vodka tonic to keep her nerves steady, she and Collette went back to their apartment, and her hands shook as she dialed his parent’s number. She hung up when she heard what must have been his mother’s voice on the answering machine.

“I can’t do this,” Marnie’s voice cracked.

“What were you going to say anyway?” Collette asked.

“I have no fucking clue.”

“Right.”

“Right. But what a bastard.” Marnie sunk to the couch and Collette moved from the kitchen to sit by her.

“Hon, I know, but you’ve got to get on with the rest of us, the people who care about you in the world.”

“I’m not
that
bad, am I?” Marnie laid her head onto the zebra-patterned pillow while Collette pushed her hair away from her face.

“Only when you’re thinking about him,” Collette said.

Marnie gave up for a while, tried to stop obsessing about what happened, about the fact that he never even really
knew
what had happened, that
that
was actually the worst part, that maybe things would have been so much different had he known. That maybe he wasn’t the person she had thought him to be all these years, that maybe he would have turned out to be someone different, and the circumstances could have been different.

If she hadn’t done what she had done.

Chapter
Thirteen
August 1988

Marnie saw that Joe had already pulled up and she went to her dresser to clip her hair back so her neck was bare. He liked her hair up. She had on a tight black tee and a jean skirt, another pair of new undies underneath. She put on the topaz necklace she had gotten for high school graduation, and thought about her parents, kind of missing them. She kind of missed the lake too. Maybe she would ask Joe if he wanted to take a quick trip to the lake one of these weekends. They had been spending every free minute together; she was pretty sure he’d agree to go. But then, Marnie kind of liked the idea of Joe all to herself.

Marnie opened the door and she was assaulted first by the smell, then by the sight of the most elaborate bunch of yellow and orange chrysanthemums she’d ever seen.

“For you.”

“Oh my God! Joe! They’re gorgeous!”

“Well, good, because so are you.”

“I’ve got to take a picture of them!”

“You and your camera.” He kissed her, an affectionate kiss, one that was not supposed to be anything more but caused the deep swellings inside she was beginning to know all too well. How could he do this to her, so simply, and did she create the same stirrings in him? She pressed against him and felt that she actually had caused a reaction. Marnie smiled.

“Why’re you smiling?”

“Just happy to see you.”

“Me too.”

“Grab a beer; I’ll get my camera.”

“Do you want a beer too?”

“Actually, get me a wine cooler, please.”

When she came downstairs with her camera, Joe was in the kitchen and the drinks were on the counter. He had his head in one of the low cabinets. “Do you know where I can find a vase for the flowers?”

“Yeah, let me check the laundry room.”

Marnie grabbed a vase, filled it with water and arranged the flowers.

“They’re so pretty. How did you know they’re my favorite?”

“You told me, and I remembered.”

“Wow, you’re like the perfect… ” Marnie stopped.

“The perfect what?”

Marnie wanted to say he was the perfect boyfriend, but they hadn’t discussed anything about a commitment, so instead she smiled and hugged him. “You’re like the perfect guy! I want to take some pictures of these for my photography class. We’re on the still-life chapter.”

She began snapping away and moved the vase next to the window to get ample light as Joe drank his beer. She sensed him watching her and turned to look at him.

“What now?”

“You look really hot taking pictures.”

“Oh come on!” Marnie laughed.

“Seriously, you’re just taking pictures, but you’re all professional about it and… ”

Then Marnie turned the camera on Joe and clicked it, catching him mid-sentence. “Hey, I didn’t even smile!”

“I know. But I like candids best. We should take more pictures. I had so much fun taking pictures that night of the trains,” Marnie said, clicking her camera at Joe. He made a peace sign and stuck out his tongue.

“I know what kind of pictures I’d like to take of you,” he grinned.

“I’ll bet.”

“Come over here with that thing,” Joe reached out and pulled Marnie into him. She turned the camera around and shot some pictures of the two of them. They both smiled into the lens, and Joe pulled her in tight, kissing her on the cheek as she clicked some more. Now she’d have documentation of the two of them together.

The past weeks had been like playing house. She liked the feeling of being a grown-up, of being in a real relationship, of having someone feel the way she suspected Joe felt of her. And while he hadn’t professed any deep attachment to her through words, she felt he was just waiting for the right moment to tell her he loved her. To say they had been inseparable would be an understatement; they had barely breathed without one another.

Crazy, she knew, for after all, it had barely been a month since they met. But it had seemed like she knew him a lifetime, and while she had always rolled her eyes at the magazine articles on “Is He Your Perfect Match?” or “Find True Love: Three Easy Steps,” Marnie kind of felt she was headed there; maybe she had found her soul mate?

Chapter Fourteen
October 2004

The four of them sat around the kitchen table, Trey and Jeremy fighting for Stuart’s attention, Stuart listening as Trey tried to tell a knock-knock joke he made up.

“Dad. Knock-knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Pencil.”

“Pencil who?”

“Pennsylvania! That’s who!” Trey busted out in a fit of giggles.

“That’s gay Trey!”

“Jeremy! Where did you hear that!” Stuart reprimanded.

“At Religious Ed,” Jeremy said proudly.

“Trey, that was a very nice joke,” Stuart addressed his youngest son. Then, to Jeremy, he said, “You, mister, are not to talk like that, do you understand?”

Marnie’s head was splitting apart. She placed her palms onto the sides of her head, and rubbed at her temples.

“You okay, hon?”

“Headache.”
Heartache.

“Why don’t you go on up to bed. I’m sure it was a tough week. The boys and I’ll clean up. The meatloaf was great, by the way.”

The boys groaned when they heard Stuart mention they would help clean up, but started clearing the table when their father suggested a trip to the Ice Cream Igloo after the kitchen was done.

“Would you like us to bring you something back?” Stuart asked.

Marnie wanted to ask if they could bring her back a New Life, but instead she shook her pounding head and trudged upstairs to her room. She thought maybe it was time for another visit with her therapist Eva. She hadn’t seen her since September.

She heard the dishes clinking and the boys telling Stuart what they had finally decided on for their Halloween costumes. Trey was going to be a ghost, and Jeremy
’s costume was some sort of a bloody gangster. She was thankful Halloween was on Sunday this year so that Stuart would be there to take the kids around the neighborhood. There was no way Marnie wanted to deal with all of that. She could barely deal with waking up most days it seemed.

Finally, the garage door lifted up and then cranked closed until it slammed. It always slammed at the end. One of these days, she was sure it was going to slam down on something important. Like a child.

Her room was dark, the blinds always shut tight when Stuart was away. It was a dusty room, and if the blinds were open in the morning, glaring stretches of sunlight streamed through the windows, creating more light and dimension than she wanted. On her dresser, there were far too many framed photos of times she wished would have stood still, of days and events she was glad to have captured on film, but now those times were few and far between.

She placed her hand on the pull of the top drawer and opened it. The silver box was there, untouched. She had only opened it that one time, to place the items inside. She had been heavily sedated, weepy and not sure what time of day it was, or for that matter, how many days after it had been. Still, she had felt like she needed to acknowledge it, to create a moment, to know that it had actually happened, that it was a part of her life, and it had been real. Because so many people a
round her had pretended it didn’t happen, had glossed by it, said it was something that it wasn’t. And all this time had passed and it still felt like there had been no baby at all. And that wasn’t fair to Marnie.

She didn’t open it now, just touched the smoothness of the silver box, said a silent prayer, placed a scarf over it, and closed the drawer.

Marnie looked at the photos of the boys that covered the top of the dresser and wondered what it would have been like to have more pictures there, a family of five. Her head throbbed. Her collection of antique perfume bottles scattered the dresser, cluttered on top of the antique mirrored tray Stuart had given her one Christmas.

Marnie touched the colored glass of the perfume bottles, and picked up her favorite. It was the amber one, with speckles of purple so dark it looked like black jewels imbedded in the glass. She lifted the stopper and her senses reeled. It happened every time. As the scent enveloped her, the memories of him came. There was no stopping them.

Marnie knew without a doubt that this time, this time she would have to find him. If Joe was coming into town, she was going to have to get in touch with him and tell him. It would be the only way to make things well. She would have to start from that beginning.

With the tragedy from the summer, and what she did in college, this was going to be the first step to getting control of her life. She had lost too much, she had known too little about things she deserved to know. Too many years had gone by with too many unanswered questions, and it had partly been her fault, but partly Joe
’s too, and now she needed to know why. She needed to see Joe.

He was the starting point to getting her questions answered. To getting her life fixed.

Chapter
Fifteen
August 1988

They came up for breath.

“God, my mouth is so dry… ” Joe kissed Marnie’s neck, “but I could kiss you forever.” They decided since it was raining, they would take advantage of the day. And each other. The rain kept the golf club closed, so Joe wasn’t needed at his caddying job, and Marnie figured a sick day was in order, even though she knew on a day with such weather, The Bean would be brimming with customers. Neither considered their part-time summer jobs as being anything but that, so blowing off work in favor of an afternoon in bed, doing nothing,
and everything,
appealed to the both of them.

“You thirsty? I’ll get us something to drink.”

“I’ll come. Could use a change of scenery,” he laughed.

Marnie leaned over the side of her bed and handed Joe his boxers, the yellow ones with the smiley face right smack on the front. There was certainly reason for Marnie to be smiling lately. This had turned out to be an incredible summer, more so than she could have ever expected, and she dreaded school starting up again. He would be back at his college, and she, at hers, almost four hours from his.

“Here. Put this on.” He handed her the shirt he had on earlier – from his fraternity, with the plaid letters EX. She stuck her arms through the holes, and inhaled the smell of him, of light sweat mixed with
Obsession
, of grass and trees (she imagined he wore it to the golf club the day before) – all this, she could smell from his shirt. She exhaled as her head plucked through.

“Let’s get something to drink.”

In the kitchen, she opened the fridge as he stood behind her, his arms encircling her waist, his body tight up against hers, and the thrill of his touch, again so soon, was enough to make her want to turn around and start kissing him right then and there even though they just left her bed.