A Missing Heart (28 page)

“I’m not going to say this is fine and I’m not even going to agree to it. I’ll take it like a man, Cammy, but I might shatter into a million pieces when you two leave me.”

“And I might shatter too,” she says. “But we’ll be back. Even if it’s the last thing I do.”

“We have to tell Ever the truth. I don’t want to keep any of this from her. It’s going to be hard enough as is,” I say.

“Agreed.”

With the painful decision made, I stand up from the bed, but Cammy’s cool hands grab me from behind, tugging me backward. “Hey!” I shout through a whisper, shocked from the chill of her hands seeping through my thin shirt.

“Wait,” she says. Her hands wrap around my bicep and I give in to the tug-of-war, letting her pull me back down onto the bed. “Don’t confuse my restraint for what I want, because I feel like we missed out on so much.” Her restraint has always been our joint strength, but I could never confuse that for want. “But, I’m going to have to leave with her in the morning. The adoption agency was very demanding on the phone, which is not surprising since Ever fled the foster home last week.”

I don’t have much to say, being at a loss for words in this situation. All I can do is sit and think about how this can turn out. I’m flooded with questions and concerns, but I know there are no answers to any of them right now, which makes this even worse.

Cammy stands up from the bed, pulling in a deep breath as she looks into the mirror. Running the back of her thumb under each eye to smudge away the proof of the tears she must have shed before I got here, she swallows hard and turns back toward me. “Ready to tell her?”

“No.”

Cammy takes my hand and leads me to the door where we simultaneously pull in a deep breath. As we walk back into the main area, we find Ever lying across the couch with Gavin tucked under her arm as they watch some weird cartoon, both completely enamored. The sight of the two of them together again causes a tingling sensation in my chest, like butterflies, but different. It’s a different kind of love, something I didn’t know existed before today. Something that’s making me want to say, “I did this.”

Cammy walks over to the couch and takes Gavin from Ever’s arm. “I cannot get over your cuteness,” she croons. “You look just like your daddy. Those dimples, my goodness.”

“Who do I look like?” Ever asks.

Cammy sits down beside her on the couch and rests her head on her shoulder. “I think you are an even split between AJ and me. You have AJ’s eyes, that much is for sure. His lips too.”

“You would know,” Ever mutters.

“Excuse me, you are only thirteen and I’m pretty sure you should not be speaking to us like that,” Cammy says, looking at me, which is not a great idea since I’m trying not to laugh. “AJ!” she snaps, glaring at me…just like a mom.

“Sorry!”

“You two look like you have something to tell me. At least I think I should be assuming that you were only talking in the other room,” Ever says, looking between the two of us with a smirk. I had no idea thirteen-year-olds were so knowledgeable about shit I had no clue about until I was—oh, maybe I was thirteen. Oh God.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” I snap at her.

She recoils and lifts a brow…my brow, just like I do when I’m questioning someone. “No, thank you. The boys I went to school with were all jerks.”

Thank God.

“We do have something we need to talk to you about, Ever,” Cammy spits out.

“Let me guess,” Ever says, standing from the couch. “You two have come to a fork in the road and can’t make a decision on who I should stay with.”

“That’s not it,” I tell her. “Not even close.”

“Then what?” she asks softly, as the confidence her voice seeps away.

Gavin is squirming out of Cammy’s arms. She puts him down on the floor where he crawls over to me. It’s almost as if Gavin can sense the destruction coming at us a million miles an hour. I lift him up and take a seat on the other side of Cammy. “So, you ran away from your foster home last week,” Cammy begins.

“Yeah, so? I found you, and you’re my biological parents. It shouldn’t be an issue, obviously,” Ever spits out, making it clear she’s thought her actions through already.

“Yes, we are, but we don’t have any rights to you. As of this minute, the state of Pennsylvania owns the rights to you, as well as your well-being, and the authorities there are requiring us to take you back temporarily until we settle things properly. It sounds awful, Ever, I know this.”

“Awful?” she says with a cynical laugh. “Awful would be if you lived one day in that foster house with six other brats who all beat each other up while fighting for the attention of the two foster parents. It felt like they didn’t even know I was living there.”

“We understand,” I say. “But in order to regain our parental rights, we have to go through the state to do so. There is a lot of paperwork involved and even a trial.” I say the last part, looking at Cammy, trying to remember if that’s what she said.

Cammy nods with agreement. “That’s right. We have to play the state’s game while they get everything in order. I need to meet with the adoption agency in Pennsylvania to find out what steps need to happen next.”

Ever is pacing in small circles, holding the back of her neck between her hands. “Well, do you even want me?” she asks us both.

Cammy and I look at each other, sharing a brief moment through a question that travels back thirteen years to the few moments we spent together as a family right after Ever was born.

“More than anything in this world,” Cammy says.

“More than pizza,” I add.

Ever cocks her head to the side and narrows her eyes at me. “You’re not funny,” she says.

“I kind of am,” I argue.

“Ever,” Cammy interrupts our bickering. “We want you more than anything in the world, but we have to do things correctly.”

“Well, you’re a lawyer. Can’t you do that?” Ever asks.

“Yes, but things have to go through the process, which can take a little time, from what I’ve been told.”

Ever stops pacing and nods her head a little. “Wait, what are you saying?” We both give her a minute to try and understand before continuing. “No. No! You can’t make me go back to that foster house. You can’t!”

“It’s not up to us, Ever,” I tell her.

She races across the hotel room, grabbing a grocery bag full of things and heads for the door. “I’m leaving.”

“No, you’re not,” I tell her, handing Gavin to Cammy. “You’re staying here, and we’re figuring this out as a family.”

I take her by the arm, pulling her away from the door. “A family?” she laughs. “A family—that’s what you call this? You’re married to a woman who obviously hates your guts, and Cameron’s engaged to some…some…ghost or whatever, and let’s not forget about the fact that you two were the morons who got knocked up at seventeen and had to hand me off to a couple of rich people who promised to give me the best life ever. Except, then they died and left me as an orphan.”

Each of her words is like bullet to my chest. My fears of what I always suspected my daughter might think of me are shooting up like explosives in my face, blaring the truth I wanted to pretend wasn’t real.

“We’re going to fix this,” I tell her.

“I’m already broken, AJ,” she seethes. “And what if you can’t fix this? I stay in foster care until I’m eighteen, and then I’m supposed to come running back to the two people who ruined my life?”

Cammy is in tears, crying her heart out on the couch, feeling the same type of guilt I’m feeling. I don’t know how to respond to Ever, and I don’t know how to make Cammy feel better, and Jesus…how did my life come to this in a matter of a week?

CHAPTER TWENTY

FEELING LIKE A
shitty dad as it is, I brought Gavin home for the night so he can sleep in his own bed, now that he’s been shuttled around for the last couple of days. I asked Cammy to come back to my house with me, but she insisted it might feel weird for all of us, seeing as I’m still legally married to the woman I own this house with. The last thing I wanted to do tonight was be away from Cammy and Ever, knowing they’re leaving first thing in the morning. I told them I’d meet them at the hotel at seven to give them a ride to a car rental location so they can get going.

I’m lying in the bed I have shared with my wife for the last two years, replaying her few simple, but devastating, words in my head, telling me she needs to go away. Putting Cammy aside, even if Cammy never showed up this week, after today’s events with Tori, I don’t know if I could ever forgive her for what has happened over the last year. Tori’s words and her behavior this morning made me feel like I’m poison to her life. Like Gavin is the same. Now, I’m forced to consider his safety and well-being as much as, and maybe even more than, my own. Maybe I’ve pushed her to a place she doesn’t want to be, but I can’t come back from what happened today. Not ever. And I realize how long forever is, but having the shit beat out of me might have hurt less than the words she spewed from her lips so easily and almost without care. She may have been drugged up, but I don’t think there is any drug strong enough in this whole fucking world to make me regret either of my children.

The quiet air circulating through this room tonight is driving me to a deeper level of resentment. I want to think about Cammy and all the greatness she has brought to my life in such a short period of time, but it’s overshadowed by an opaque mask of darkness. I’m left lingering in marriage purgatory with no way in or out. How the hell am I supposed to cope with this? How can I resolve things with my wife when she is being restrained in a psych ward?

With my endless thoughts, sleep doesn’t come, and it’s well after three in the morning. Now I’m scared I won’t wake up in time to get Cammy and Ever to where they need to be. Exhausted and emotionally detached, I tear down all the photos of Tori and me. I toss her damn decorative pillows into the closet on top of the mess she left behind with her crumpled notes, and I pull every article of her clothing off the hangers, letting them all fall into a giant pile. I make my way through the rest of the house until I’ve eliminated any reminders of my marriage, which I’m realizing isn’t much. Was nothing between us ever normal? How could I have been stupid enough to think it was?

Starting a relationship built on lies or hidden truths is never a normal thing. I should have known that. I should have taken my head out of my ass long enough to realize what mistake I was getting myself into. This is my fault. It was my fault that Ever had to be removed from her birth parents, and it’s my fault that Gavin might never have a mother in his life. Who the fuck trusted me with my own life? What the hell is wrong with
me
?

Everything is wrong with me. Everything. I have screwed up so badly, and I have hurt so many people, yet I’m the one still standing. I’m disgusted with myself.

Now, sitting against the far wall in the living room, having not taken my eyes off of the dark window in hours, the sun is starting to illuminate some of what I have been unknowingly staring at…freedom. It’s all freedom outside of this house. Inside, though, there’s a bathroom I can’t walk into without seeing bottles of pills lying everywhere, or a half-filled bathtub ready for drowning in. My bedroom is filled with memories of making love to a woman who was using me as a shield from her past, and Gavin’s room—all I can see is Tori sprawled out on the floor, trying to change his diaper while she was thinking of the next way to end her life. I have been living in this dark house with Tori and her demons for so long that I have forgotten what the fucking sun looks like, and today is the first damn day I have really seen it in so long. Even knowing Cammy and Ever are leaving me today, I still feel like I’m allowed to step outside of this house and start a new chapter for me and Gavin.

I never wanted to be Hunter—widowed or alone. I despised his life enough for him. I never wanted this. Now it seems like the only option for surviving this mess.

When I pull up in front of the hotel, Cammy and Ever are already waiting outside. They both squeeze into the front seat, and it isn’t hard to notice how miserable Ever looks.

“So…” Cammy says while settling into her seat. “I think we should introduce Ever to your parents and Hunter before we go.” For some reason, this shocks me. I wanted to do this, but I wanted to do a lot, and a few days isn’t enough time to do much of anything. Selfishly, I’ve hogged all the time I could with the two of them alone.