Read A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens Online

Authors: Kate Williams

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A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (14 page)

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Page 85

The Price of Active Addiction

As many as four out of five adolescents who attempt suicide may be adult children of alcoholics.
¹What is the connection between alcoholism and suicide? It may be that drinking while pregnant gives the baby a predisposition to depression. Children learn despair through body language. When a parent is drinking, the person is simply not available to the children. Yearning for death comes out of this emptiness. The parent who is drinking or engaging in other addictions is not available to deal with the feelings of the children. Usually that parent is also not dependable, not keeping a routine, and not providing the predictability children need to feel secure.

Of course, there are other family situations that can cause a parent to avoid feelings and behave in unpredictable ways. Often the behaviors of a depressed person are very much like those of a practicing alcoholic. Children are set adrift when they don't have their feelings affirmed and a routine in place. The point is that many situations may cause this kind of neglect, but you need to consider whether alcoholism is present because it is destructive to childrenand it is very common.

Alcoholism is so common that it is possible that the 80 percent figure I quoted earlier is actually higher, when you consider that AA is anonymous,

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and that often mental health professionals don't discuss addiction right away. Nobody at Rachel's treatment center asked her about a family history of addictions. From what I've seen in other families I've met through treatment and Al-Anon, there is also a connection between adult children of alcoholics families and suicidal kidsI call it the second generation legacy of the despair of drinking. The inability to show feelings gets passed on, even when the drinking doesn't.

What is your family's history with alcohol? Is there alcoholism in the generation that came before you? If so, there may be dysfunctional methods for dealing with feelings that have probably been passed down.

And what about other compulsive behaviors? Is any family member abusing drugs, gambling, overeating, using sex in a compulsive manner, or compulsively shopping? Anyone who is showing these behaviors needs to be working a recovery program. No one can have a good relationship with an addict because an addict by definition is unable to have good relationships with people.

If you are drinking to excess and denying that your drinking is a problem, you need to deal with it honestly before you can expect your child to be happy. You cannot maintain an addictive behavior and have the energy to take care of your child's needs. If your spouse or partner is an addict, then

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you are also playing with fire. The consequences are life-threatening. If you are living with an addict, you are giving too much energy to that person because he or she is taking energy from you with or without your consent and you simply won't have the energy to give the attention your child needs.

When I first started going to Al-Anon, I thought it was a magic program. It isn't. I learned I couldn't live with an addict and be a good parent. Some people have been able to use Al-Anon and stay in their marriage, but I wasn't able to do that. I was so preoccupied with my husband's unhappiness and trying to control his rages that I had little energy for anything else. I had to leave him to have the energy to be an effective mother. Rachel needed more of my love and attention.

If there are no problems in your immediate family, you might want to look at your family history. You must confront the legacy of addiction and dysfunction in your family. I grew up in a family that offered us a shame-based religion, the silent treatment, physical violence, and sexual abuseall in a house of teetotalers. This greatly affected my ability to express feelings and develop healthy relationships. If you are an adult child of an alcoholic, what issues are you working on?

Openness to your children's feelings is the key here, as is openness to having a good parent-child

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relationship. If you don't know what this phrase means, you need to find a therapist who can help you figure it out, either by yourself or with your children.

Physical Abuse: Seen and Unseen Wounds

Children who are hit and children who witness other people getting hit develop many symptoms.
²They are at risk for chemical abuse, school problems, and stress-related ailments. Experts say these ''negative relationships'' in the home lead to suicide.
³What is the history of physical abuse in your immediate family and in your family of origin? What is the connection between physical abuse and rage? Is there an adult in your family whose anger is unpredictable? Are your children getting hit or living in a home where they witness other people being physically abused? Your child will probably not get better while living in a violent situation.

Rachel's father was a batterer. My daughter doesn't remember seeing him beat me up, but she did witness it. Sometimes I would be holding her when he started beating me. She's picked up my fear and anxiety. Like me, she jumps, startled, at the slightest noise. Even at the age of sixteen, she cries when it storms and thunders. Leaving that abusive situation was critical to Rachel's and my mental heath.

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Dealing with Labels

If you felt depressed, anxious, tense, angry, or sad when you read the previous section, stop and imagine for a minute all the other people who live in similar situations. Trust me, you are not alone. It is estimated that 80-95 percent of all families could be labeled dysfunctional.
⁴

If I had seen myself in all the negative labels that are bandied about in self-help books, I'd never get out of bed in the morning. If I internalized everything that has been said about battered wives, alcoholics, codependents, adult children of alcoholics, and incest survivors, I would have a laundry list a mile long of my deficiencies and the desirable qualities I lacked. All the labels may be true, but there is more to me than labels.

When I first heard that many incest survivors become chemically dependent, I felt ashamed because that's what I did. Then, after some more work on the issues, this fact became a relief. I said, "I'm glad my life is a clichéit means that I have a lot in common with a lot of other people." I decided not to cave in to the negativity in my life, and to take credit for my work toward recovery.

Those of us in recovery have a new vision of family life that is free of shame. We have a vision of ourselves as healthy, responsible, and joyful people. We have become life-affirming, rather than the walking wounded.

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The medieval mystic Meister Eckhart said, "Whatever God does, the first outburst is always compassion."
⁵Have compassion for yourself, for where you've been, for your struggle. Let go of the past and its death and pain. Have mercy on yourself.

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12
Hope: Breaking the Negative Cycle

. . . visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.
NUMBERS 14:18

The idea of despair and pain repeating themselves generation after generation is the most painful idea I know. I want to break the cycle of abuse and depression and pain. When I see the hurtful patterns of my childhood repeating themselves in my life and my daughter's life, I really have to struggle against despair.

When we are in despair, we are of no use to our children. Underneath my despair is often shame and the fear that I've damaged my child, that we will never recover, that the cycle will go on and on.

That's when we most need to find hope. When I recognize I'm falling into despair and shame, I deal directly with the labels my mind throws up in my

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facethose words that come out of psychologists' reports and studies, such as
overinvolved mothers
and
Adult Children who ...
These words can cause me to feel sad and ashamed and discouraged. I can say, "What's the point of even trying?" Once I was at a conference and a psychologist said, "Incest victims are the most difficult to treat." I felt ashamed, even though the speaker didn't intend to be shaming. Other descriptions have had the same effect on me. When I first went to Al-Anon and read the handout called
Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics,
¹I thought, "Wow, this is really a heavy load to overcome."

Now I have a more gentle attitude toward myself. I may decide this is my year to work on self-acceptance. Next year I'll work on money problems. I don't have to do everything at once. So if my child is in the hospital, this must be the year to work on my issues dealing with motherhood. It's time to turn my attention to her and our relationship.

Dealing with Shame and Despair

None of us has been the perfect mother or father. There is no such parent. When we make a mistake, we need to break through our denial, admit that what we are doing is hurtful, and then work on changing our behavior. We can ask God to remove our imperfectionsin my case, my anxiety, my

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fear, and my desire to crack jokes rather than cry. God does not want us to wallow in pain over old mistakes. We are supposed to get on with our lives. How can this be accomplished? I remind myself often, "We are all creatures of the earth. We have feet of clay. We are not birds of the air. We are not the dolphins of the sea. We are not the forces of nature: fire, lightning, wind. We are simply creatures living a physical life who make mistakes, who learn slowly, who sometimes even might be called slow learners."

When I work on changing my behaviors and releasing despair, I use affirmations and private rituals as a form of prayer, conducting some traditional spiritual practices. My spirituality is a hodgepodge of beliefs and practices, and the organized groups I belong to offer a lot of room for personal interpretations and practices.

Which practices from your heritage could help you deal with your shame and despair? Which new practices could be of use to you?

Jill Breckenridge, author of
How to Be Lucky,
has written affirmations in response to the list of Adult Children of Alcoholics, often called the "Laundry List" of adult children of alcoholics. Affirmations are positive statements that can be spoken out loud or written. They help bring a new reality into being when they are expressed. When I am in despair, I focus on one affirmation and write

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it down over and over. Then I say it as I take my walk. The Laundry List, written by Tony A., and Breckenridge's affirmations (in italics) appear below.

Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Affirmations to Heal These Dysfunctions

1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

I am connected to others and hold my own.

2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

I am God-centered and seek approval from God for who I am.

3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.

I accept criticism serenely as a chance to grow.

4. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

I no longer fear abandonment.

5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

I give up being a victim and help others overcome their victimhood.

BOOK: A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens

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