A Song in the Night (44 page)

Ciaran kicked the ground. “It’s all wrong,” he muttered. “All so wrong.”

“What is?” Beth spoke gently. At least she’d managed to get him talking.

Ciaran gave a laboured sigh and stared towards the top end of the village. “When we first met – at college – I thought all my birthdays had come at once.” He swallowed. “I know it sounds lame, but it’s true. I could hardly believe you’d given me a second glance.”

“Doesn’t sound lame at all. I felt the same way about you.” Beth rubbed his arm fondly.

Ciaran shot her a weak smile. “Honestly, Bethy, the night you said you’d marry me, I cried when I got on my own. In fact –” He stopped abruptly and hung his head.

“In fact
what?
” Beth coaxed gently.

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does. Tell me what you were going to say –
please.
”

Ciaran straightened. For a few moments he didn’t respond. He hugged himself against the breeze, rocking slightly backwards and forwards as if trying to decide whether he should speak. Finally, he turned and looked her straight in the eyes. “I was going to say that I prayed. For the first time since I was a kid, I prayed. I just got on my knees and thanked God for giving you to me.”

Beth was shocked. She hadn’t expected an admission like that. “I didn’t think you were into God.”

“I wasn’t.” Ciaran’s voice was suddenly cold. “I just thought that perhaps at long last my life was about to change. It seemed right to say thank you.”

Beth eyed him questioningly. “What d’you mean –
change?
”

Ciaran lowered his head. “I’ve mentioned things before, Bethy. Me and Rosie, we didn’t exactly have a charmed life back home. We were desperate to get away – both of us were. Getting to college was my big break. But meeting you … well, that was something else altogether. Something I’d never expected in a million years. The most beautiful girl in the place. And she wanted me.” His eyes brimmed with tears as he spoke and Beth’s heart turned over as she looked at him. She threw up a silent prayer for wisdom. His whole body language exuded a sense of bleak, dark despair.

“Do you think there’s such a place as heaven, Ciaran?” she asked softly, almost afraid to hear his answer.

Ciaran gave a slight shudder then, and Beth wasn’t sure if it was the coolness of the breeze or her question that was to blame. “Shall I tell you what I
do
think, Bethy?” His expression hardened as he fought to contain his emotion. “When we got married, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to look after you, protect you, help make all your dreams come true. I wanted to make you the happiest woman in the world. I wanted you to have my kids – I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted you to be so glad you said yes to me.”

“Ciaran, I
am
…” Beth’s eyes pleaded with him. “The years we’ve been together have been the best of my life.”

Ciaran shook his head. “But I haven’t managed to protect you, Beth, have I? Or given you children – or grown old with you. There were so many plans I wanted to make with you, so many things we could have shared, places we could have gone together. And now, it’s never gonna happen.” A sigh escaped his lips and he gazed down towards the church. “I look round and see other people – other couples – walking together, talking together. I just feel so helpless, so angry … so desperate it makes me want to scream. The one person I love more than anyone else in the whole world is leaving me. And
she
doesn’t want to – and
I
don’t want her to. But there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. We just have to sit by and watch it happen. While all the rest of the world just carries on and doesn’t give one toss about us, we have to go through every day knowing it’s one day less together. One day nearer to the time when we’re pulled apart – when I’ll never be able to touch you again. When it’s all over. Finished. Forever.” His eyes glittered. “You ask me if I believe in heaven, Beth. No. I don’t. I don’t believe in anything any more. My entire experience of life so far convinces me that the whole thing’s a pointless exercise. I hope I’m wrong, Beth. For your sake, I hope I’m wrong. For you, I wish it could be real. Because if anyone deserves a better future, it’s you. But don’t ask
me
if I believe in heaven … .” There was a catch in his throat and he looked away.

Beth felt sick. She pulled the blanket tightly around her legs. “Perhaps we should be getting back.”

Ciaran turned to her. For a moment their eyes locked. She could see the pain in his – his dark lashes glistening with tears, his cheeks unashamedly wet. She had never seen him look so beautiful, or so broken.

“I love you, Ciaran. With all my heart and all my soul, I love you.”

He leaned over and took her in his arms, and they wept together.

Oh God … please help us. This is harder than we can bear.
She smoothed his hair and buried her face against his neck.
Please help him, Lord. Please show him what you’ve shown me. I can’t tell him anything right now – he needs to hear it from you.

____________

It was Saturday morning and Rosie was sitting in the living room at Oak Lodge with Beth and Ciaran. She’d arrived the previous night after a journey fraught with delays. By the time she’d finally reached the house, Beth had already gone to bed, and after a hot drink with Ed, Cassie and Ciaran, Rosie had done the same. It had felt good to fall into bed and lie there listening to the silence as she breathed in the lavender scent of the sheets. It had felt like coming home.

Now as she sat in front of the fire, it seemed that hardly any time had elapsed since her last visit. And yet, Rosie observed, Beth’s appearance had altered even in that short time. Her skin was slightly yellowed now, and the circles under her eyes were darker. She looked somehow older than her years, yet there was still a childlike brightness in her face.

“Missed you, Ros. It hasn’t felt right without you around.” Beth grinned. “Too quiet.”

“Funny.” Rosie pulled a face at her.

“How was the party anyway? Worth cancelling your trip up here, was it?”

She was only kidding and Rosie knew it. But she couldn’t help feeling a twinge of guilt at Beth’s question. She tried hard not to let it show. “It served its purpose,” she answered vaguely.

Beth frowned. “
Meaning …?
”

“Meaning it helped me see that Gavin really
is
the scumbag I always suspected he was.”

Ciaran gave a low whistle and rolled his eyes at Beth.

Rosie felt herself flushing. She’d said too much. “Sorry,” she muttered lamely. “Wrong time to vent.”

Beth was eyeing her with some amusement. “What’s up? Did he come on naughty with you – or blow you out for someone else?”

Ciaran gave a slight cough and hastily stood to his feet. “I’m gonna make a drink. Anybody want one?”

“We’ve only just had one,” Beth said teasingly.

“Well, I’m thirsty.” Ciaran strode out of the room and closed the door with a gentle click.

Beth smiled. “I think we embarrassed your brother.”

“Correction –
you
embarrassed my brother.” Rosie tried to give her a reproving look.

“Whatever. Anyway, come on – spill it. What happened?”

Rosie felt awkward. She shrugged as nonchalantly as she could, but she knew there was no way she was going to get out of this. “Let’s just say he wanted to take the relationship to a new level.”

“And you were happy staying at the level you were?”

“Something like that.”
That’s it. Keep the answers vague and evasive.

“Did he get nasty about it?”

Honestly! What is this – twenty questions?
“Let’s just say he wasn’t thrilled.”
Why am I telling you this stuff? Come to think of it, why did I open my big trap in the first place?

“Shame, Ros. I thought we’d got you fixed up there.” Beth sounded genuinely disappointed. “Would have been nice to have met your future other half – y’know, while I’m still around.” She seemed to think the matter over for a moment or two, then shrugged resignedly. “Still, any guy that really cared about you wouldn’t try to pressure you into doing something you didn’t want to. Guess you’re better off without that kind.” There was an air of finality about her tone which puzzled Rosie. She’d expected at least a little more resistance at the news of her breakup with the delectable Gavin.

“Hang on, I thought you liked him. I thought you both liked him.”

“We did like him. He seemed an okay sort of guy. Like I said, I thought you were nicely fixed up there. All the same –” Beth stopped mid-sentence as though trying to picture Gavin in her mind.

“All the same
what?
” Rosie’s eyes narrowed.

“Well, I’m not exactly surprised, Ros. I should have seen it coming, I guess.”

“What d’you mean –
you should have seen it coming?
” Rosie felt suddenly irritated.

“Oh, I dunno. It’s just that Gavin doesn’t strike me as the kind of bloke that’s used to taking no for an answer – I mean, where women are concerned. Fellas that look like Gavin tend to get their own way. Good on you, girl, for standing up to him.”

Rosie felt slightly disconcerted. Beth was talking as though she’d been a fly on Gavin’s designer wall.

“A bit of bruised ego won’t do him any harm,” Beth continued matter-of-factly. “Might even learn from it. Bet you were something of a shock for him, Ros. The woman who refused to fall at his feet and adore.”

“Is that dubious distinction supposed to make me feel good?”

“Hey, don’t knock it.” Beth smiled wisely. “Perhaps he needed pushing off his perch. Any guy with Gavin’s looks can always use a humility top-up. What could be more annoying than a bloke who’s convinced he’s irresistible?” A shadow crossed her face in that moment and she leaned forward and rubbed at her leg.

Rosie frowned. “What’s up – you in pain?”

“Nah. It’s just this leg. It’s been a bit stiff these last couple of days.” Beth flexed the muscle a few times. “I might mention it to the nurse when she calls. Maybe they can up my pain relief. Still, a stiff leg’s the least of my worries, eh?” She grinned disarmingly. “Anyway, what were we saying before I so rudely interrupted myself?”

“You were talking about my irresistible ex.” Rosie shot her a sarcastic smirk, but she couldn’t help wondering if she should mention the leg to Ciaran.

“Ah yes … the gorgeous Gavin.” Beth nodded to herself. “Well, this is what I think when it comes to guys, Ros. If you have to sleep with him to keep him, you might as well wave him bye-bye.”

“You sound like my mother,” Rosie snorted humourlessly. Not that her mother had ever lived by her own advice. Life might have been a lot simpler for all of them if she had.

Beth shrugged. “I probably sound like everybody’s mother. But let’s face it, a girl shouldn’t feel obligated to give herself away to every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes along. Just ’cause most people these days do the premarital rounds without batting an eyelid doesn’t mean it’s the best way of going about things.”

“Now you sound like Sister Aloysius who used to teach us French,” Rosie mumbled disdainfully. She’d always got on well with the venerable sister, but listening to a nun giving dating advice had never quite cut it for her.

Beth seemed undeterred by this comparison. “Hey, I’m serious, Ros. Look around you. Folk everywhere searching for that special someone. Every new partner that comes on the scene is suddenly
The One
.” Air-quoting this last phrase, she spoke the words with mock drama. “That is, until things fall apart. Then it’s straight back out to find somebody else. Heartbreak to heartbreak … like a rollercoaster with its brakes jammed. C’mon, does anybody really want to live like that?” She shook her head as though needing no answer. “But I guess we’ve been programmed to think that’s the only way to go, eh?” She looked directly at Rosie. “I’m proud of you, Ros. It takes guts to say no. In this day and age anyhow.”

Rosie didn’t answer. She was too busy remembering Gavin’s thinly veiled insult from the other evening.
There’s a name for girls like that, Rosie …

They sat in silence for several moments as the fire murmured in the grate. A sudden, loud crackle from one of the logs made them both jump.

“Well, anyway –” said Beth, clapping her hands gently on her knees, “that’s what I think about it all. Don’t let anybody put you down for sticking to your principles, Ros. No one has the right to muscle in and pressure you into doing something you don’t want to.”

Rosie was loathe to admit that principles really hadn’t come into it. As for the last bit, Beth’s advice was just a little too late. About fifteen years late to be precise. She tried to stuff the subject to the back of her thoughts.

Unfortunately Beth seemed to be on a roll. “You save yourself, Ros. Somewhere out there is the right guy for you. And he’ll be worth waiting for.”

Rosie was annoyed to feel herself reddening. “Thanks, Mummy dearest. So nice of you to give me the motherly low-down on how to behave myself with boys.”

Beth grinned. “Take it from me, hun. You’re worth more than you realise. Wait for Mr Right and it’ll be sweet music all the way.” She winked provocatively. “Know what I mean?”

“Oh
please –
” Rosie burst indignantly, “I’m twenty-one not twelve.” She wanted to add –
And just what makes you think I’m such a novice in these things anyway?
– but decided against it. There were certain matters best left under wraps, and this was one of them. Better to keep quiet and be misunderstood than to open a can of worms and have the truth come wriggling out. “Let’s just change the subject, can we?”

Doing her best to look apologetic, Beth smiled innocently. “Actually, talking of sweet music –”

“Which we
weren’t
,” Rosie scowled.

“Well, we are now. I meant to tell you about something, Ros.”

Rosie’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Hang on. Has it got anything to do with men?”

“No!” Beth laughed. “Well, only one man. Your brother.”

“Go on.”

Beth took a deep breath and her face became serious. “You remember the day I came across the diary?”