A Step to Nowhere (35 page)
“Because of you, our lives will change,” Ray was saying on our way to the corporation. I was silent. I thought that sooner or later it would have happened anyway, but maybe without sacrificing so many people. Maybe without my involvement everything would have gone differently. Or not? Probably before the changes even more people would have died from this planet and mine. I tried to assure myself that events like this didn’t come without a price. To save thousands of people, hundreds had to die. But if the doctor had gone first to Steve’s room, not mine … Then my mother wouldn’t see my again.
“They closed the lottery yesterday,” Ray said. He was sitting near me, on the backseat of the black, limousine-like vehicle. “Bristow’s still in the hospital, but my wife’s under arrest, you know that.”
I nodded.
“I talked to the President the whole morning, convincing him that without you and the guys nothing would have happened. He was telling me that my group took the building, that too many people were killed, but in reality he was happy to regain his power. He was happy not to owe anything to Bristow. Now, our President owes you. If you could see what happened when the TV station rolled the films. It was a tsunami. A tsunami of people and emotions.
I listened to him and looked out the window at the gray, strange and familiar city. There was no lottery advertising but instead, on all big screens, the actor from my planet or the President from this one was speaking to his people. Most people I’d seen on the streets were still wearing uniforms, but some had already changed into dresses, T-shirts, jeans. They pulled out clothes that were buried in their closets. The streets were full of celebration. People didn’t kiss or hug each other, they had to rebuild trust, but they seemed happy. Most of them, at least.
These people had to adjust to the thought that no one was going to report anyone anymore. It would take time, but it was going to happen. For now, in the reports that we watched on a TV built into the roof of the car, they were talking not only about celebration, but also about acts of vandalism. They talked about fights between informers and former irnaners. They announced some murders. Ray assured me that it was temporary. They were like dogs that had been chained from an early age. They didn’t know what to do with this sudden freedom. They weren’t sure that this freedom was real or that it was going to last.
A few minutes ago, when we watched one of the reports about Bristow, I saw a woman who introduced herself as Emma Larson, wife of Jason Stanly.
“My husband,” she said with excitement and pride, “risking his life, delivered the material to our President. If not for him, none of this would have happened.”
I agreed with her. If not for him, I wouldn’t be riding in this car right now, but instead I would be waiting for my turn to burn in the microwave in the onis’s morgue. She was so proud of her husband. Maybe my Jason would find his Emma, too. I couldn’t continue my relationship with him. In these three days I had become a different person. I couldn’t wait anymore. I couldn’t lie to myself or to other people. I couldn’t destroy the life of a man who didn’t deserve it.
“Does the corporation belong to you again?” I asked without turning to Ray. We passed a kissing couple – a picture from a romantic movie. Near them, a few people organized a rally. They held banners with the word
Hlifian
on it. They yelled something, but we couldn’t hear the voices coming from the street. A few buildings away there was a huge poster of Bristow with mustache and horns added in black paint. What would become of this city in a couple of years? What would I find if I could visit here as a tourist.
“Yes, the corporation is mine,” Ray said.
“Are you going to keep traveling to my planet?”
“There will be no replacements, of course. Maybe travel exchange? It would be interesting. But we have to do it gradually. I would probably come too, but it depends on you.”
I turned to him.
“Why?”
“I don’t know if you want to see me.”
I looked down. Would I like to see him? Would I?
“As a friend, yes.” I looked at him again and he nodded.
“I’d like to meet my double personally, so I would understand the difference between us.”
“Do you need that?”
He smiled, caressed my cheek with his finger.
“I’m not him, right?”
“I don’t know what I felt or feel for you,” I said. “All those emotions I had… They were real, but I dreamed of a different person.”
“I understand.”
I put my head on his shoulder and stayed like that until we reached the corporation.
“How are you going to explain your disappearance?” Ray asked while we were walking along the white hallway for the last time. The smell of freshness: cut grass, a spring forest.
“I haven’t thought about it.”
“Maybe it’s a good time.”
“How long does the transferring last?”
“Eight minutes.”
“That’s enough.”
We met people in the building and they were still dressed in the uniforms. Ray said he was going to change it and probably some of the workers would be fired.
On the last floor, we finally entered the room we had strived to get into for so long, and couldn’t.
“Why do you call it
walking in the hallway
? It looks like a shower stall.”
Ray laughed.
“You’ll see. Ready?”
That’s a good question.
I turned to Ray.
“We are not saying good-bye,
good-bye
? I’ve gotten used to you.”
“You can easily find me.”
“How about my birthday?”
“If you invite me.”
“I’ll think about it.”
We hugged and Ray entered the compartment with me. He needed to go to my planet and give some orders to the workers there. He pressed a few buttons then asked me to pull the lever because it was difficult for him to do it with his wound, and then I finally understood what the hallway meant.
First, everything went dark and I became tense, but Ray hugged me from behind, pressed his chest to my back. Then, all the space was flooded with blue light and a long hallway stretched before us. I thought it was just an optical illusion.
“Let’s go,” Ray said as he took my hand.
“But … there’s a wall.”
“Not anymore.”
I moved forward. I felt as if I were walking on clouds. I didn’t feel a hard surface under my feet and the air was cold and humid. It seemed like only a few seconds had passed before we stumbled upon a soft, silk wall. Then the light was gone and we were again in the narrow box with white walls and two dozen buttons. The door moved away and I smelled my air. The air of my home.
It had been two weeks since I returned. Ray’s driver took me home a few minutes after we went through the hallway. I couldn’t believe that the transportation machine was located in the university building, but it was so logical. No one paid attention to the new people in such a big crowd. They did pay attention to me, which was understandable. My appearance was noticeable.
My mom had gotten gray hair while I was gone. She called the police and together with Jason they had called hospitals and morgues. How did I explain my disappearance? I had to go to Hawaii for work, urgently. I called my mother and left her a message. Maybe she hadn’t received it. Then I couldn’t reach her from Hawaii because the connection there was horrible. Silly story? You bet! Not easily believable? I agree. I couldn’t say that anyone really had believed me, but this story was better than the true one. No one would believe my true story for sure.
Mom, I was in a parallel universe and my copy tried to kill me so she could take my place. I participated in a Revolution and helped to destroy a totalitarian regime. Oh, baby! I’m so proud of you! Let’s go there for Christmas!
They didn’t trust me and definitely didn’t feel badly for me or pat me on my back. Mother threatened to spank me, she cried and yelled. I apologized and promised not to do it again. It didn’t make her forgive me completely and she scolded me from time to time. So did my friends.
I spoke with Jason. It was not easy to do, but necessary. I couldn’t love him or give him what he deserved. Also, if I considered Jason from Planet One, we weren’t meant for each other. I wanted to suggest that he pay special attention to women named Emma, but I didn’t want to interrupt the natural flow of events.
“Honey … Sam, why?” He looked at me with his innocent brown eyes. He didn’t look like Jason from the parallel world, but I felt his inner strength no matter what his actions. If he had to protect me he wouldn’t be afraid, but he would do everything necessary to keep me safe. I wanted to be with him, I had gotten used to him; he was mine, but I couldn’t love him no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” I cried. I didn’t want to lose him, but he wouldn’t agree to stay just friends.
“I knew it,” Jason said, caressing my hair and hugging me. His embrace, his smell. “I felt it. It’s okay, Sam. I know it was difficult for you to say and I love you. I’ll always love you.”
He left and I stayed to cry alone. Cry out all my tears over lost relationships and those that remained on Planet One. He was such a great person and I didn’t deserve him.
Two weeks had gone by. I started working again and living my life as if nothing had happened. Only, I went to bed with anguish in my heart and woke up from dreams where I was running down long, white hallways.
Today I was sitting on the couch holding a cup of coffee with liqueur and looking out the window. The rain tapped against it. My window was half-open and fresh, summer air filled my room, reminding me of my first awakening on Planet One. The smell of ozone. The air freshener they sprayed in the corporation, so people from Planet Two would feel they were at home, just as they had been …
I didn’t want to think about bad stuff; I made that decision and made sure I stuck with it. It wasn’t easy. Yes, I was afraid of making an ass of myself and feeling shame for the rest of my life, but it was better to take a step and make a mistake than to stay in one place regretting your cowardice. I’d learned that lesson. Act now, life was fragile and I might not have another chance. And what was I afraid of since I had gone through hell already?
I finished my coffee and looking at the phone, I put my empty cup on the table and dialed the number. I’d always had it in my address book and no one knew how many times I’d opened and closed it.
“Hello … Who is this?”
Impatient as always.
“Ray.” I slapped my forehead when I heard how rusty my voice sounded. Well, it was understandable. My throat constricted, my hands shook, my heart was about to burst out of my chest. What was I going to do? Destroy the world? It was just a call! He wasn’t going to eat you or kill you! You’d created a legend! Remember what you went through! This one was a piece of cake. “Hi, Ray!”
“Hi.” His voice was confused, but it was my Ray. The one I couldn’t forget for so many years. The Ray I knew so well and whom I trusted. I’d been through a lot with Ray from Planet One; he even saved my life. I slept with him, for Christ sake! I understood, accepted him, and was attached to him with my soul, but he wasn’t the one I loved. They resembled each other in many ways, not just on the outside, but they were still different.
“Hello?”
The pause became too long.
“It’s Sam Bristow. How are you doing?”
The line was silent.
“Ray?”
“I … I recognized you.”
“Fadie … I mean, cool. We haven’t talked for awhile, I thought you wouldn’t remember my name,” I chatted.
“I’d never forget you,” he said.
“Sorry, are you busy? I can call back. It’s not urgent.” I pressed my hand to my chest as if I could calm my heart down.
“No!” I pulled the phone away from my ear as he yelled too loudly. “I’m not busy,” he said in a quiet voice. I just … I was waiting for your call … I wanted to call you myself, but … Where are you now?”
THE END