A Thursday Next Digital Collection: Novels 1-5 (162 page)

The Danverclone seemed to hang
in the air for a moment before a large wave
caught her and she was left behind the
rapidly moving taxi.

Author's Note

 1.  
Breakfast

 2.  
Mum and Polly and Mycroft

 3.  
Acme Carpets

 4.  
Jurisfiction

 5.  
Training Day

 6.  
The Great Library and Council of Genres

 7.  
A Probe Inside
Pinocchio

 8.  
Julian Sparkle

 9.  
Core Containment

10.  
The Well of Lost Plots

11.  
The Refit

12.  
Kids

14.  
The ChronoGuard

15.  
Home Again

16.  
Cheese

17.  
Breakfast Again

18.  
Aornis Hades

19.  
The Goliath Corporation

20.  
The
Austen Rover

21.  
Holmes

22.  
Next

23.  
The Piano Problem

24.  
Policy Directives

25.  
The Paragon

26.  
Thursday Next

27.  
Bound to the Outland

28.  
The Discreet Charm of the Outland

29.  
Time Out of Joint

30.  
Now Is the Winter

31.  
Spending the Surplus

32.  
The
Austen Rover
Roving

33.  
Somewhere Else Entirely

34.  
Rescue/Capture

35.  
The Bees, the Bees

36.  
Senator Jobsworth

37.  
The Great Samuel Pepys Fiasco

38.  
The End of Time

39.  
A Woman Named Thursday Next

This book has been bundled with Special Features,
including
The Making of…
wordamentary, deleted scenes,
alternative endings and much more.

To access all these free bonus features, log on to
www.jasperfforde.com/features.html and follow the
on-screen instructions.

The year is 2002. It is fourteen years since Thursday
almost pegged out at the 1988 Croquet SuperHoop, and
life is beginning to get back to normal….

T
he dangerously high level of the stupidity surplus was once again the lead story in
The Owl
that morning. The reason for the crisis was clear: Prime Minister Redmond van de Poste and his ruling Commonsense Party had been discharging their duties with a reckless degree of responsibility that bordered on inspired sagacity. Instead of drifting from one crisis to the next and appeasing the nation with a steady stream of knee-jerk legislation and headline-grabbing but arguably pointless initiatives, they had been resolutely building a raft of considered long-term plans that concentrated on unity, fairness and tolerance. It was a state of affairs deplored by Mr. Alfredo Traficcone, leader of the opposition Prevailing Wind Party, who wanted to lead the nation back onto the safer grounds of uninformed stupidity.

“How could they let it get this bad?” asked Landen as he walked into the kitchen, having just dispatched our daughters off to school. They walked themselves, naturally; Tuesday was twelve and took great pride in looking after Jenny, who was now ten.

“Sorry?” I said, my mind full of other matters, foremost among them the worrying possibility that Pickwick's plumage might
never
grow back, and that she would have to spend the rest of her life looking like a supermarket oven-ready chicken.

“The stupidity surplus,” repeated Landen as he sat down at the kitchen table, “I'm all for responsible government, but storing it up like this is bound to cause problems sooner or later—even by acting sensibly, the government has shown itself to be a bunch of idiots.”

“There are a lot of idiots in this country,” I replied absently, “and they deserve representation as much as the next man.”

But he was right. Unlike previous governments that had skillfully managed to eke out our collective stupidity all year round, the current administration had decided to store it all up and then blow it on something
unbelievably
dopey, arguing that one major balls-up every ten years or so was less damaging than a weekly helping of mild political asininity. The problem was, the surplus had reached absurdly high levels, where it had even surpassed the “monumentally dumb” mark. Only a blunder of staggering proportions would remove the surplus, and the nature of this mind-numbing act of idiocy was a matter of considerable media speculation.

“It says here,” he said, getting into full rant mode by adjusting his glasses and tapping at the newspaper with his index finger, “that even the government is having to admit that the stupidity surplus is a far, far bigger problem than they had first imagined.”

I held the striped dodo cozy I was knitting for Pickwick against her pink and blotchy body to check the size, and she puffed herself up to look more alluring, but to no avail. She then made an indignant plocking noise, which was the only sound she ever uttered.

“Do you think I should knit her a party one as well? Y'know, black, off the shoulder and with sparkly bits in it?”

“But,” Landen went on in a lather of outrage, “the prime minister has poured scorn on Traficcone's suggestion to offload our unwanted stupidity to Third World nations, who would be only too happy to have it in exchange for several sacks of cash and a Mercedes or two.”

“He's right,” I replied with a sigh. “Idiocy offsets are bullshit; stupidity is our own problem and has to be dealt with on an individual ‘stupidity footprint' basis—and landfill
certainly
doesn't work.”

I was thinking of the debacle in Cornwall, where twenty thousand tons of half-wittedness was buried in the sixties, only to percolate to the surface two decades later when the residents started to do inexplicably dumb things, such as using an electric mixer in the bath and parting their hair in the center.

“What if,” Landen continued thoughtfully, “the thirty million or so inhabitants of the British Archipelago were to all simultaneously fall for one of those e-mail ‘tell us all your bank details' phishing scams or—I don't know—fall down a manhole or something?”

“They tried the mass walking-into-lamppost experiment in France to see if they could alleviate
la dette idiote,
” I pointed out, “but the seriousness under which the plan was undertaken made it de facto sensible, and all that was damaged was the proud Gallic forehead.”

Landen took a sip of coffee, unfolded the paper and scanned the rest of the front page before remarking absently, “I took up your idea and sent my publisher a few outlines for self-help books last week.”

“Who do they think you should be helping?”

“Well…
me
…and them, I suppose—isn't that how it's meant to work? It looks really easy. How about this for a title:
Men Are from Earth, Women Are from Earth
—
Just Deal with It.
”

He looked at me and smiled, and I smiled back. I didn't love him just because he had a nice knee, was tall and made me laugh, but because we were two parts of one, and neither of us could imagine life without the other. I wish I had a better way to describe it, but I'm not a poet. Privately he was a husband and father to our three mostly wonderful kids, but professionally he was a writer. Unfortunately, despite winning the 1988 Armitage Shanks Fiction Award for
Bad Sofa,
a string of flops had left the relationship with his publisher a bit strained. So strained, in fact, that he was reduced to penning point-of-sale nonfiction classics such as
The Little Book of Cute Pets That You Really Like to Hug
and
The Darndest Things Kids Say.
When he wasn't working on these, he was looking after our children and attempting to rekindle his career with a seriously good blockbuster—his magnum opus. It wasn't easy, but it was what he loved, and I loved
him,
so we lived off my salary, which was about the size of Pickwick's brain—not that big, and unlikely to become so.

“This is for you,” said Landen, pushing a small parcel wrapped in pink paper across the table.

“Sweetheart,” I said,
really
annoyed and
really
pleased all at the same time, “I don't do birthdays.”

“I know,” he said without looking up, “so you'll just have to humor me.”

I unwrapped the package to find a small silver locket and chain. I'm not a jewelry person, but I am a
Landen
person, so held my hair out of the way while he fastened the clasp, then thanked him and gave him a kiss, which he returned. And then, since he knew all about my abhorrence of birthdays, dropped the matter entirely.

“Is Friday up?”

“At this hour?”

Friday, it should be noted, was the eldest of our three children and the only boy. He was now sixteen, and instead of gearing himself up for a successful career with the time industry's elite operatives known as the ChronoGuard, he was a tedious teenage cliché—grunting, sighing at any request no matter how small and staying in bed until past midday, then slouching around the house in a state of semiconsciousness that would do credit to a career zombie. We might not have known he was living with us if it weren't for the grubby cereal bowls that mysteriously appeared in the vague vicinity of the sink, a muffled heavy metal beat from his bedroom that Landen was convinced kept the slugs from the garden and a succession of equally languid no-hopers who called at the door to mumble, “Is Friday at home?”—something that I couldn't resist answering with, “It's a matter of some conjecture.”

“When does he go back to school?” asked Landen, who did most of the day-to-day kidwork but, like many men, had trouble remembering specific dates.

“Next Monday,” I replied, having gone to retrieve the mail that had just fallen through the door. “Exclusion from school was better than he deserved—it's a good thing the cops didn't get involved.”

“All he did was throw Barney Plotz's cap in a muddy puddle,” said Landen reflectively, “and then stomp on it.”

“Yes, but Barney Plotz was
wearing
it at the time,” I pointed out, thinking privately that the entire Plotz family stomped on in a muddy puddle might be a very good idea indeed. “Friday shouldn't have done what he did. Violence never solved anything.”

Landen raised an eyebrow and looked at me.

“Okay,
sometimes
it solves things—but not for him, at least not yet.”

“I wonder,” mused Landen, “if we could get the nation's teenagers to go on a serious binge of alcohol-inspired dopiness to use up the excess stupidity?”

“It's a surplus of stupidity we have, not stereotypical dreariness,” I replied, picking up an envelope at random and staring at the postmark. I still received at least half a dozen fan letters every day, even though the march of time had, fortunately, reduced my celebrity to what the Entertainments Facilitation Department termed Z-4, which is the kind of celebrities who appear in “Whatever happened to…?” articles and only ever get column inches if arrested, divorced, in rehab or, if the editor's luck is really in, all three at the same time—and have some tenuous connection to Miss Corby Starlet, or whoever else happens to be the
célébrité du jour
.

The fan mail was mostly from die-hard fans who didn't care that I was Z-4, bless them. They usually asked obscure questions about my many adventures that were now in print, or something about what crap the movie was, or why I'd given up professional croquet. But for the most part, it was from fans of
Jane Eyre,
who wanted to know how Mrs. Fairfax could have been a ninja assassin, whether I
had
to shoot Bertha Rochester and if it was true I'd slept with Edward Rochester—three of the more per sis tent and untrue rumors surrounding the factually dubious first novel of my adventures,
The Eyre Affair
.

Landen grinned. “What's it about? Someone wanting to know whether Lola Vavoom will play you in the next Thursday film?”

“There won't be one. Not after the disaster of the first. No, it's from the World Croquet Federation. They want me to present a video entitled
The Fifty Greatest Croquet Sporting Moments
.”

“Is your SuperHoop fifty-yard peg-out in the top ten?”

I scanned the list. “They have me at twenty-six.”

“Tell them ballocks.”

“They'll pay me five hundred guineas.”

“Cancel the ballocks thing—tell them you'll be honored and overjoyed.”

“It's a sellout. I don't do sellouts. Not for
that
price anyway.”

I opened a small parcel that contained a copy of the third book in my series:
The Well of Lost Plots
. I showed it to Landen, who made a face.

“Are they still selling?” he asked.

“Unfortunately.”

“Am I in that one?”

“No, sweetheart—you're only in number five.” I looked at the covering letter. “They want me to sign it.”

I had a stack of form letters in the office that explained why I
wouldn't
sign it—the first four Thursday Next books were about as true to real life as a donkey is to a turnip, and my signature somehow gave a credibility that I didn't want to encourage. The only book I
would
sign was the fifth in the series,
The Great Samuel Pepys Fiasco,
which, unlike the first four, had my seal of approval. The Thursday Next in
The Great Samuel Pepys Fiasco
was much more of a caring and diplomatic heroine—unlike the Thursday in the previous four, who blasted away at everything in sight, drank, swore, slept around and generally kicked butt all over the Book-World. I wanted the series to be a thought-provoking romp around literature; a book for people who like stories or a story for people who like books. It wasn't to be. The first four in the series had been less a lighthearted chronicling of my adventures and more of a “Dirty Harry meets Fanny Hill,” but with a good deal more sex and violence. The publishers managed to be not only factually inaccurate but dangerously slanderous as well. By the time I'd regained control of the series for
The Great Samuel Pepys Fiasco,
the damage to my reputation had been done.

“Oh!” said Landen, reading a letter. “A rejection from my publisher. They didn't think
Fatal Parachuting Mistakes and How to Avoid Making Them Again
was what they had in mind for self-help.”

“I guess their target audience doesn't include dead people.”

“You could be right.”

I opened another letter. “Hang on,” I said, scanning the lines thoughtfully. “The Swindon Dodo Fanciers Society is offering us thirty grand for Pickers.”

I looked across at Pickwick, who had started to do that almost-falling-over thing she does when she goes to sleep standing up. I had built her myself when home-cloning kits were all the rage. At almost twenty-nine and with the serial number D-009, she was the oldest dodo in existence. Because she was an early Version 1.2, she didn't have any wings, as the gene sequence wasn't complete at that time, but then she didn't have built-in cell redundancy either. It was likely she'd outlive…well, everything. In any event, her value had grown considerably as interest in the seventies home-cloning unextincting revolution had suddenly become fashionable. A 1978 V1.5.6 mammoth recently changed hands for sixty thousand, great auks in any condition could be worth up to five grand each, and if you had a pre-1972 trilobite of any order, you could pretty much name your price.

“Thirty grand?” echoed Landen. “Do they know she's a bit challenged in the brain and plumage department?”

“I honestly don't think they care. It would pay off the mortgage.”

Pickwick was suddenly wide awake and looking at us with the dodo equivalent of a raised eyebrow, which is indistinguishable from the dodo equivalent of sniffing a raw onion.

“And buy one of those new diesel-molasses hybrid cars,” said Landen.

“Or a holiday.”

“We could send Friday off to the Swindon Home for Dreary Teenagers,” added Landen.