A Toiling Darkness (21 page)

Kay stopped lighting a candle and glared at
me. “No, I don’t. I told you earlier, I don’t want to leave you
hanging again. If I find whoever made that slauve, he’s going to
learn just why I’m the best magic user on the East Coast. Probably
in all the states.”

I couldn’t prevent a shiver from crawling down my
back, reminding me that he had the juice to back up that claim.

Turning into a child the second time around
was easier than the first time, but it was still no picnic. Kay had
me lay down in the middle of a circle he formed with salt and
chalk. Symbols I somewhat recognized from the first time he helped
me do this were drawn onto the wooden floor. He circled me,
standing outside of the magic circle and after three rounds, he
stopped at my feet and began to chant.

His words were fluid and smooth. The warm
magic reached out and lightly touched my skin, caressing me. As Kay
kept chanting, the ancient words began to flow together, no
separation in what he was saying—whatever that was. I didn’t know
the language or if I ever did, I forgot it in the recess of my
unending memories. There was something warm and comforting to them,
kind of like a lullaby someone sang as they gently woke me up from
a deep slumber. Not that anyone ever sang a lullaby to me. And why
was it to wake me up from a deep slumber if they did? Wouldn’t it
be to put me to sleep? Before I could ponder on that even more, the
pain came.

It really wasn’t that bad. Really.

I only convulsed on the floor, my back
bending and my body spazzing as I lost all control of myself.

I could feel every bone in my body shrink.
What took a span of months happened in a couple hours. I probably
screamed, cried, yelled and cursed. Probably.

I just couldn’t remember as I lost myself in
the pain. It could have been seconds or hours that went by and
during that time, I didn’t care. I just wanted it to be done with.
I wanted to be that little girl again, to get away from all the
problems being Akhlys gave me. You’d think that would have helped
me make it through—by thinking of all the pros about changing into
a child. Well, it didn’t. All I could think about was to try and
find a way to end it.

The purpose of the circle wasn’t to help
with the spell but to keep me inside and everyone safe. At some
point, I know I smashed against the barrier, trying to break it
with everything I had. I expanded, fought back and lost as the
magic ran its course and I became the child I wanted to be.

When I had enough sense to even move, the
soreness was on par with being hit by a truck and then thrown off
the Empire State building. Overkill. I felt like overkill. Someone
had moved me to one of the couches. I could feel a fire from the
hearth on my face as it kept the room warm and cozy. As I looked
around, for a second I really did believe I was back in the past
until I remembered Kay’s taste in art.

I slowly sat up, dazed, my brain trying to
catch up with everything. I rubbed at my face and felt the familiar
features of my new and yet old appearance. It was once again
childish, my cheeks soft and round, my eyes big, my nose short and
wide, and my lips thinner than they were as an adult. My hands were
pale and small, no longer long and graceful. My chest was light, no
longer held down by big breasts. I wanted to smile and laugh—and
yet at the same time I wanted to cry.

It was like I lost myself again. Being an
adult was natural; it was who I truly was and becoming a child once
again felt wrong. I could hear El in the background telling me I
was running away from my problems again, trying to take the easy
way out. At least this time his voice was quieter. When I did this
the first time, he was in the front of my mind, screaming and
yelling at me to face what happened. Of course, me being me, I
ignored him. The pain and guilt of Eithna’s death was too strong
then.

Her death was the reason I searched for Kay.
It took a couple of years, but when I tracked him down, I convinced
him to do what I wanted. I can silently admit now, that back then,
I was running away from everything. This time was different though.
I wasn’t running away once again, was I? I just wanted to stay
undercover while I tracked down Kalen’s master.

“You seem unsure about something.”

Startled, I looked over and saw Kay in the
same chair he was in earlier. At some point he had changed into
black sweatpants and a dark gray t-shirt with Rock’n Roll on the
front. Below that said ‘Going To Be A King Today.’

I licked my lips, my mouth completely dry.
“I’m just trying to figure out why I put myself through this once
again.”

“You regret turning back into a child?” He
kept his voice neutral, but his eyes gave him away. He was hopeful
about something.

“I really can’t say if I do or don’t,” I
replied, giving him the truth.

“Being a child protects you.”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t have to worry about losing
control of yourself.”

“Maybe.” I stared at him. It was like he was
playing devil’s advocate. Why? “What’s going on?”

His smile widened, his face brightening up.
He shook his head. “Nothing too much. I just think you’re finally
seeing what I’ve seen for the past two hundred years.”

“What?”

“That you were running away.”

I kept quiet, unable to say anything against
that. Hadn’t I just admitted at least that much to myself?

“At first, I couldn’t figure out why you
were so adamant about making yourself so weak. You were never one
to go into hiding, even when men with torches surrounded you. You
faced them down every time, even when it was painful and all you
wanted to do was quit.”

“So? What’s your point?”

“Last time was different. It was like you
were weighed down with some kind of knowledge you couldn’t accept.
Like you were scared of something you did. Something you refused to
admit. It took me a while to realize it was because of Eithna’s
death. You don’t get attached too easily.”

“So why are you so damn happy?” My face was
stiff, my words cold.

“Because I think you won’t be needing this
weak form anymore very soon. I’ve had the pleasure of watching you
throughout the years. I have to admit I grew somewhat fond of you.
You were always like a stray dog, always on alert, keeping others
away, fighting to stay alive. Then when you came to me two hundred
years ago, you were a hurt stray dog and have been ever since.”

I stood up slowly, stretching out my
childish body a little. Kay just sat there, grinning like a fool. I
could feel the truth in his words. The fact that I was so easily
willing to go back to my true human form was evidence enough.

“I can’t go back to who I once was.”

“No, you can’t. Even I know that.” His words
were sad. “Ever since that enlightener got his hands on you, you
changed, became softer.”

I shook my head. “Don’t bring El into
this.”

“But he’s the start of it all, isn’t he? He
created a kind of rule book to follow, to reshape your
decisions.”

“He saved me from myself—”

“And the fact that you think like that makes
what I said true. He thought you needed to be saved, but are you
really?” he interrupted me, his face going serious. It made him
look slightly older, maybe more like a graduate student instead of
an undergrad. I wasn’t the only one changing these last two hundred
years. “Look where meeting the enlightener got you. A weak stray.
That slauve almost killed you because you couldn’t properly control
your powers. You’re weak like this.”

I glanced around, my eyes flickering quickly
around the room as I grew confused. How did we even get onto this
topic?

“Then why help me?”

“Because I owe you. The Consort would have
killed me, but not you. You’re special and they knew it. Even I
knew it back then. They only gave you a slap on the wrist because
of who you are. They are willing to invest in you, and so I left
you behind to deal with them. I know that doesn’t excuse what I
did. That village was all me and yet I dragged you into it.”

“Just say what the point of this
conversation is. I need to leave.”

“I simply want you to stop being weak. If
you stay like this, you’ll be killed.”

“I can’t be killed.”

He shook his head. “You don’t believe that
anymore.”

No, I didn’t believe in those words, but I
wasn’t going to admit that out loud. Saying it out loud brought a
kind of reality to the situation I didn’t want. So I stared at him
and said nothing.

He sighed and stood up. Once again I had to
glance up at him. I kind of missed seeing eye level with him. It
made it easier to understand him. I would give a finger or two to
know what he was thinking. They would grow back eventually, so it
was no real lost. He walked over to me slowly, his movements
graceful and slow.

“I get it, okay. I don’t like it but I guess
I understand. Just be careful. Whatever magic they are using, it’s
rare and ancient—before my time.”

“I’m always careful.”

He grunted. “Once, I would have called you a
liar, but now…” He scanned my body, not happy with what he was
seeing. “I guess you are.”

I wanted to say I’m sorry. It was like I let
him down. I guess we both were realizing there was no going
back.

“Bye,” I said simply.

“Bye.”

With nothing left to say, I left, closing
the door softly behind me.

It was late evening when I stepped out onto
the streets. The sun was low in the sky, taking with it the light
that made people feel safe. I lost a whole day. That was not how I
wanted to spend my day. I don’t think anyone wanted to spend their
day withering in pain. The air was still warm and clear, lacking
the pollution the storm was able to wash away. By midday tomorrow,
exhaust and pollution will once again take over, but for now, I
enjoyed a few good deep breaths.

I strolled slowly towards the subway. It was
late enough to have the streets packed with people on dates or
going to dinner before the nightlife began. I kept my head down and
ignored everyone as I weaved through the streets. Kay let me borrow
another shirt and a light jacket that looked more like a trench
coat on me. I pulled the jacket tight around me and hoped no one
was stupid enough to ask if I was lost.

I never considered El as a turning point in
my life. Yes, he gave me a rulebook to make use of, but half the
time, I threw that rulebook out the window. At least until I met
Eithna. Then I got a taste of what being a mentor was like.

Eithna was a breath of fresh air, always
upfront with me, asking questions about not just spells and magic,
but about me and who I was underneath the façade I hid behind. She
had opened up to me as much as I opened up to her and trusted me in
a way no one ever did, not even Kay or El. They expected me to be
ruthless and mean first, she at least waited on her judgments,
waited until I betrayed her personally and I never did until I
handed her the key to her death.

I smiled to myself as I got on the subway,
squeezing between a man and an old woman. If Eithna could come back
from the dead, I could picture her flipping back her hair and
saying
feistigh do thóin féin
or the equivalent of go fuck
yourself. Then she would pout and make me pay her back by showing
her something new that I refused to show her before. She was
forgiving in that way.

She would agree with the Consort saying it
wasn’t my fault. She would say she made her choices. Eithna always
took responsibility for her actions. Like when she accidentally
turned a family into stone. She refused my help and spent a month
trying to fix it and when she finally did, she created a spell that
ensured their crops to be bountiful for the next ten years as an
apology. She was good like that.

If only I could agree with her on this one.
She should never have found that spell.

When my stop on the subway came, I finally
drew out of my memories long enough to take notice of the ten-foot
radius between the humans and me. I gave a little amused smile as I
stepped off and went back out onto the streets.

Baron’s bar was located in the old downtown
of the city, meaning it was in South Rheems. Abandoned buildings
surrounded the bar, with other businesses littered around. The
walkways were real cobblestone, but no upkeep on them for years.
Some green moss was growing on the rocks and dirt in between them.
It made the walk a little tricky, especially after the heavy
rainfall. They were extra slippery. I could hear my borrowed black
Mary Janes as they clacked against them.

A lantern was what marked the bar and the
big heavy wooden door helped differentiate the building from all
the others around it. I walked over and opened the door to loud and
obnoxious singing.

I paused a moment and then dove inside,
squeezing my way to the bar. As the beings noticed me, they began
to inch away until there was at least a five-foot parameter around.
I tried not to grin, thinking about the subway. At least they
weren’t quick to try and kill me.

Baron spotted me and nodded before grabbing
a mug and preparing my drink. The man looked good compared to when
I last saw him. His blonde hair was braided this time and snaked
around his petite frame, reaching down to his waist. Tonight he was
full of energy that kept him rooted to the reality he appeared to
fade from. His usually summer green eyes were now feline-like as
they stayed alert, looking for any possible trouble.

When he came and gave me my drink, a light
shock went through me, going from my fingertips all the way to the
ends of my hair.

“Sorry.” He gave me an apologetic smile. “My
body is responding to all the energy in the air.”

I glanced around at everyone. Someone
started singing another song in Old English and others were
clapping. I recognized a few faces and realized the place was
packed with the top dogs of our world. Beings I wanted to avoid
since I was on their shit list.