A Toiling Darkness (24 page)

“Do you think you will be able to kill her?”
I asked.

He stared at me, and took a deep, resigned
breath. “She deserves to die. I met her last night, got a sense of
who she is. She needs to die.”

“You sound so sure,” I mumbled. Though, he
really didn’t. It was more like he was trying to convince himself
of that.

Kalen went to say something. He closed his
mouth and shook his head.

“What?” I asked.

“You’re a couple hundred years old, right?”
He paused for a moment, trying to form his question. “Living that
long, is it tiring?”

I shifted in my seat, surprised by the
question. I didn’t know how to answer it—wasn’t even sure if I knew
the answer.

“I’m sorry,” he tried to back off from the
question. “I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. Just forget
I asked.”

“Too late to forget.” I sighed and looked
into my mug. The tea was cooled off now.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want
to.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s a pretty loaded
question. I’m just trying to figure out how to answer.”

I stared at Kalen, took in the lines on his
face and found myself wondering who he was before he died. He was
young no doubt about that, but he also had some kind of experience.
There was a look in those eyes only a man who fought with life and
lost a couple of times could have.

“I take it one day at a time,” I finally
responded. “That’s all I can do.”

“Do you get tired?”

“Sometimes.”

“How do you keep going?” he asked. So
persistent.

“Why are you so curious?” I asked, finally
too uncomfortable with the barrage of questions. I ask myself the
same thing every day and still didn’t have a satisfying answer.
When life enjoys knocking you down and works hard at trying to keep
you on your back, how can you keep getting back up each day?

You just do. Sometimes it hurts too much,
but you still need to crawl out of bed and live. We are all
programmed to do it—to live.

He shrugged. “I don’t understand what it
means to live a long time. I can’t even imagine it. She seemed so
lonely and lost. Some of that came from what she said, but most of
it was how she fought. Kind of like on autopilot. She fought
because she had to, not because she wanted to.” He shrugged and
rubbed at his face. “I don’t know, she just seemed tired.”

“Well, I imagine she is tired.” I spoke
slowly, picking through my words. I felt an urge to just come out
and tell the truth. But the fear in telling him kept my mouth
cemented shut. He had only one choice and that was to kill me. I
was the key to his shackles. I was the one who kept him from his
freedom.

“Darkness? Are you okay?” Kalen leaned
forward, worried. His face was only inches away now.

I nodded. “Yeah...yeah, sorry, just got lost
in my mind.”

“What were you thinking about?”

“How badly do you want to kill this woman
you seek?”

He thought about it for a moment,
straightening back up. “It isn’t that I want to kill. Truthfully
when I saw her, I had to fight with myself, unsuccessfully, but I
still fought.”

“What do you mean?”

“I lost control of myself. My body moved all
on its own and fought her. I just sat in the back seat.”

“Don’t you want to be free? You should
probably be more proactive in your fights with her then.”

I reached out and touched his chest. His
sweater was thin and soft, more of a piece of cloth to help him
blend in with his surroundings then to keep him warm. Fall was just
around the corner now but it was still hot outside. The warmth of
his body seeped through the sweater and into my hand. I could feel
his heart as it pounded against my hand, slow and steady.

He reached up and wrapped his hand around
mine. I closed my eyes and metaphysically looked at him. His soul
watched me, wary and cautious. It still knew who I was, but it
either gave up telling Kalen or it was just like Kalen, personality
wise—both of them willing to look past all the rules and orders
that would weigh down any other slauve.

The last slauve was so determined to do what
Eithna wanted. I’m not a hundred percent sure what her orders were,
I just know the slauve did it, powerless to fight back. He wanted
to make Eithna happy, all in hopes that he will be released from
the curse. Slauves tend to be determined to become free. So why
wasn’t Kalen just as determined?

“I do want to be free but not at the expense
of someone else who only wants someone to accept her.”

My eyes snapped open and I drew away from
him in shock. I didn’t realize how close I was to him until I
repositioned myself on my stool. I was practically in his lap. It
explained why I could feel his words as they vibrated through his
chest.

“What makes you think she just wants to be
accepted?”

He hesitated, not sure if he wanted to say
anything more on the topic. Finally, he spoke, his words low and
careful. There was a lot of cautiousness in our conversation
tonight, both of us not wanting to say anything wrong. “Because she
has the same look that you do.”

I gave him a weak smile, trying to downgrade
how much those words affected me. To think he was so intuitive.
“Are you saying I’m a desperate, lonely child?”

I didn’t realize how many emotions he was
allowing me to see until his expression went blank; his eyes empty
of the warmth they held. I wondered if we had similar blank
expressions on our faces right now; both of us trying to be so
careful with the other.

“I don’t think desperate is something you’ve
ever been.”

Don’t die. Please don’t leave. Please.

I was pretty desperate once, when the one
human I cared for with everything in me finally passed away. Old
age. Mother Moon never wanted to be more than who she was. She
allowed herself to grow old and die, and I got to watch it. I was
pretty desperate way back then.

I stood up. “We all have our moments. Trust
me.”

“Where are you going?” he asked, standing up
too.

I glanced over my shoulder and took him in.
Standing there, he looked like an abandoned puppy. I knew what it
felt like to be put into a world without anyone to guide you. All
you could do was fumble around and hope that when you screwed up,
you didn’t get killed. Then, if you lived, you learned from the
mistakes and don’t do them again. It was the best anyone could
do.

“How are you getting along?” I asked.

He looked down at me, then at the floor. “As
good as I can, I guess.”

Meaning he wasn’t do too well. I nodded,
accepting his lie for what it was. “Come on, I want to show you
something.”

I turned and walked out. If he wanted to
follow me, cool. If not, then he doesn’t and he can just keep
fumbling around, trying to learn about this new world on his own.
Maybe he’ll find a good Samaritan like that necromancer. Not that I
thought that necromancer had any good intentions. I doubted it.
Everyone wanted something.

The abandoned school building was long with
two floors. The gate in front was rusted and almost off its hinges.
The sun was completely gone, the crescent moon high in the sky,
casting very little light, making the building ominous. The ominous
look helped keep people away. There was also a high magical ward to
alert the occupants of anyone going through. We stood just outside
the ward.

I reached out and stopped my hand just
before the ward. The energy from the ward sent out a lick, getting
a taste of me. It snapped back into attention when it decided I was
an enemy. I lowered my hand and eyed the ground.

“Why are we here?” Kalen asked, standing
next to me.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Nothing has stopped you before.” He smiled
a little.

I couldn’t help it, I returned it with my
own little smile, and then let it slip from my face. He shifted a
little, but stayed poised. His little movement made me want to
smile again. He was bracing himself for my question, like it was a
fist instead. I let it loose. “How can we be monsters, or as you
like to call us, things, when we’ve been in existence just as long
as humans?”

“You guys feed on humans.” I noticed he
still considered himself a human and included me with the
monsters.

“And you feed on cows. You don’t see us
killing you for slaughtering thousands of cows a day.”

“It isn’t the same.”

“No? So your life is more precious than a
cow’s? I’m sure a cow wants to live just as much as we do.”

The smile was tugging at the corner of my
lips as I held back my laughter. Instead, I stayed strong on my
assessment. Kalen probably thought I was making him out to be a
fool because his face darkened. I guess he did feel like I punched
him instead.

“How are we on this ridiculous topic? We
have humanity, we are capable of caring for others.”

“So compassion makes you human?” I asked. I
really couldn’t figure out how his mind worked. One thing that has
always been true when it came to humans is my lack of ability to
think like them. Our brains were wired so differently and trying to
figure them out became a little hobby. Kalen was just as hard,
maybe even harder to understand than the humans.

I was seriously interested in how his mind
worked, in how he is able to put humans up on a pedestal and then
scorn beings for being who they are. I wanted to tear that pedestal
down, show him that it all comes down to survival. Humans, beings,
animals—we all just wanted to survive. “The woman you’re looking
for, do you think she has compassion?”

“No, she doesn’t.” There was a note of anger
seeping into his voice.

“And yet she seems lonely and hurt? You want
to kill her, but you pity her at the same time. You’re full of
hypocrism.”

“I can’t help how I feel.”

“No, you can’t.” I couldn’t keep the sadness
out of my words. He noticed it too because he frowned, not getting
why it was sad. “You’ve drawn a line between humans and
beings.”

“I’ve seen what they can do, what they do
without a second thought. Of course I drew a line.”

“And which side of the line are you on? What
about me? Where do you see me?”

He didn’t respond and that was an answer all
on its own. Truthfully, it hurt a little. I knew which line I
should be on and why. Yet, he didn’t have reason enough to put me
there on his own. I was automatically on the side with the other
beings simply because of who I was. I was a being and therefore I
belonged there, on the bad side. It was kind of funny. I was
actually getting mad over this. And yet, I’ve done far worse. If he
knew about everything then he would have to draw another line
between the beings and me.

“I thought so,” I muttered.

I turned back to the gate and had to work
hard to concentrate. It took so much power in me just to wrap
shadows around us. I almost collapsed, and might have if Kalen
wasn’t around. I wasn’t going to show him any weakness. The shadows
touched my skin, acting as a cool blanket. Kalen took in a sharp
breath, surprised and unhappy.

“What are you doing?”

“Shush. We need to sneak in.”

Happy with the results and sure that we
wouldn’t alert anyone to our presence, I slipped through the
barrier and squeezed between the gates. Kalen followed silently. A
level five barrier, like the one we passed through, is built to
keep anything and everyone unwelcomed out. Of course, since I’m so
damn old, I’ve mastered slipping through them a long a time
ago.

A fringe benefit to being an old lady, I
guess.

I didn’t release the shadows until we
reached the double doors that led inside. As soon as the shadows
receded, the warm air took its place and began warming us back up.
I stumbled and Kalen grabbed my arm, keeping me from falling. When
I gained my balance, he released me and stepped away.

“Are you okay? You don’t look so good?”

“I’m fine, just tired,” I replied. “It’s
been a long day.”

A long couple of days more like it. If I
didn’t get sleep soon, my body was going to go into its own little
sleep coma to heal and replenish itself. I did not want to do that
out on the streets.

Kalen looked like he didn’t believe me, but
he didn’t push me. Good boy. Instead, he looked around the
building. It was old, decrepit and looked like it was going to fall
apart any second.

“What is this place?” he asked.

“A place created to hide what humanity is
capable of doing.” I grabbed his hand and took a deep breath,
readying myself for the next part. “Don’t let my hand go.”

“Why?”

“Because others don’t take to me as well as
you do. I don’t want to scare anyone to death.” I pulled him along
as I slipped inside, using the shadows to keep us hidden. I could
probably keep this up for an hour or so. Then I really needed to
get sleep. I really wanted him to see this though. I wanted to make
him think hard about that line he drew.

The doors opened to a small waiting area,
empty. The only sign that the building was in use was the little
touch-ups done in the room. There was no dust on any of the
surfaces, no spider webs in the corner and no critters skittering
about. The room was only a small improvement than outside the
building. The overhead lights were on, humming through the room.
One of them flickered but stayed strong.

I dragged Kalen behind me as he looked
around suspiciously. I went straight to the other door and pushed
it, tugging on Kalen as a sign on the door distracted him. It was
one of those building notices, warning us the place was going to
fall down anytime and to not enter.

When we were only a couple of feet into the
other room, I took a sharp right and stayed up along the wall,
giving Kalen enough time to take it all in as his eyes adjusted to
the dim lighting. Kalen froze at the site and if I didn’t already
know what to expect, I might have done it too.