A Woman Lost (18 page)

The next morning, I rolled out of bed early for what turned out to be an extremely cold bike ride. I stayed out long enough to avoid Sarah until she left to go shopping with her mom. Rose’s car pulled out of the parking lot just as I was carrying my bike upstairs. She honked, smiled, and waved. I waved back.

I stripped down and stood under the hot shower for as long as I could stand it, stepping out only once my entire body was parboiled and red.

Dressing in sweats and a sweatshirt, I then went into the front room. Despite the hot shower, I still felt chilled to the bone, so I sat in front of the fireplace with my laptop. CNN was on, but I had it muted. Sometimes I preferred reading the scrolling news at the bottom of the screen.

Sarah had asked me to look up some properties online while she and her mom shopped. I was not sure why, since we were working with a real estate agent anyway, but I’d said I would. Instead, I found myself surfing random sites‌—‌reading about cities on the East Coast. I had always considered moving out east, which had so much more to offer history lovers. Fort Collins was not a place in which I wanted to settle. Colorado was steeped in Western history and Native American history, but neither of those fields floated my boat.

By the time Sarah arrived home, I hadn’t completed anything for her; in fact, I didn’t even hear her enter.

“Don’t you look studious over there.” Her smile was wide, sincere.

“I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t hear you come in.” I slammed the laptop shut and rose to help her with her bags. “Wow, did you guys leave anything in the stores?” I gave her a peck on the cheek.

I grabbed all of the bags and carried them into the bedroom. After poking around in the bags a little bit, I returned to the front room‌—‌and stopped in my tracks. Sarah was looking at my laptop.

I had slammed it shut without closing the window I was looking at, but I still decided to act quickly. “Hey there, you snoop, what are you up to?” I sat on the ground behind her and put my legs around her.

“I wanted to check my email. Are you going on a trip or something?” Her voice quivered.

I wrapped my arms around her tighter. “Kinda.”

“Oh. What do you mean ‘kinda’?”

I paused, and then took the plunge. “You’ve always mentioned going out of town for a long weekend. Valentine’s Day is on a Thursday this year. I thought we could go out to New York, or Boston or something. I’m leaning towards New York, since you love to shop.” I gave her a squeeze.

Sarah just sat there, silent. I couldn’t tell if she bought the act or not.

“It was just a thought. We don’t have to.”

“What? Are you kidding? Of course I want to go. I just didn’t expect this.” She turned around and kissed me.

“Can you take that Friday off? I’m sure my kids wouldn’t mind not going to class that day. I’ll tell them I’m going to a conference. I thought we could fly in late on Thursday night. That would give us two full days. Then we can come back on Sunday.”

“We should start planning. It’s only a couple of months away.” She grabbed the laptop and her smile conveyed a sense of urgency.

Before I knew what was happening, I was handing over my credit card to pay for airfare and hotel charges. I had never been to New York City. First time for everything, I guess.

* * *

“I think I’m going to move to Boston.”

Ethan stirred his coffee well, and then responded, “Have you told Sarah yet?”

I glanced out the window and tried to spy the mountains through the falling snow.

“No, I haven’t. She may have suspected the other day, but I think I got around it.” I told him about the impending trip to New York City. The entire time I was talking, he stared at me directly but never said a word or showed any emotion.

“Why New York in February?” he finally asked.

“Unfortunately, I was looking at cities out east. I couldn’t say ‘Let’s go to Mexico.’ She wouldn’t buy that. Besides, it has Broadway and lots of shopping for her.”

“So why are you going to New York if you want to move to Boston?”

“I don’t want her to know anything about Boston.”

“It is a secret location that not many know of … ” he remarked dryly. “So are you going to disappear one day? Will you tell me, so I don’t have to sit around wasting a day waiting for you?” Something in his tone dripped with anger, or was it jealousy?

“Well, smartass, I haven’t thought about all of the details yet. But I’ll be sure to send you a memo.”

He put his hands up, palms out. “Don’t get mad at me. You’re the one being a coward. You’re willing to uproot your life and move 2,000 miles away rather than break it off. It’s pathetic.”

I felt my temperature rise. “For your information, I’m looking into colleges out there. There’re more teaching opportunities in Boston. I plan on finishing my dissertation within a year, and I’d like to get some connections out there. I’ve already been talking with some professors I met at conferences.”

“That’s right, Lizzie, keep telling yourself that. Soon enough you’ll believe it.”

“At least I’m not scared to chase my dreams. How’s your dissertation going? Oh wait, you quit your program and you are teaching high school English. You’re a babysitter.” I tucked some loose strands of hair behind my ear and glowered at him. Surely, my comment would get a rise out of him.

“Because teaching freshmen in college is a huge difference. People in glass houses, Lizzie.”

“I wish I had a glass house. I would throw the biggest rock through it and smash it all to pieces.”

“You already have a rock, you idiot. You are just too scared to heave the damn thing.”

“What are you talking about?” I pulled my jacket tighter around me to combat the chill in the air.

“Tell her the truth. Are you really
this
stupid?”

“What should I tell her? ‘Hey, I really like you, but I’m not sure about this long-term thing. In fact, it scares the crap out of me.’”

He rubbed his chin, and studied my face intently. “If that’s how you feel, then yes.”

“But I would miss her.” I could tell that my words shocked both of us.

“Would you miss
her,
or would you miss having someone there?”

“How do you know the difference?”

He shook his head. “Only you can answer that question.”

I’ve always hated that response.

Later that night, I considered asking Sarah to move with me. What if she said yes? Wouldn’t that bind me even more? True, we wouldn’t have a mortgage together, but would I feel even more obliged to stay in the relationship, no matter what. If she moved, she would have to change her life completely. We would both be more dependent on each other. Dependent. I hated that word.

If she would agree to a long-distance relationship, that would be ideal. There would be an adjustment period when I moved to Boston, sure, but I thought it would work. Of course, convincing her might take some time.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Snow fluttered outside the window. There was not enough on the ground to stick, so once the flakes hit the wet cement, they blended into the sidewalk.

“Are you guys sticking around for Christmas this year?” Ethan causally glanced in my direction and then watched the snow falling again. “We’re going to my parents’ house. Are you guys going to Sarah’s mom’s house?”

I shook my head. “No, we’re going to Peter’s.” I never referred to the house as Maddie’s. The house was definitely Peter’s. It was large, over-bearing, and in poor taste; I couldn’t associate Maddie with those qualities.

“My, my, my, you’re spending a lot more quality time with your brother.” He gave me a knowing smile.

“Don’t you insinuate anything. Sarah’s mom is taking another cruise with friends, and Sarah insisted on accepting the invitation. Apparently, she prefers spending the holidays with any family, instead of just with me. I’m not sure whether to be insulted or not. I suggested spending the week in Breckenridge.”

He stirred his coffee. “What, you don’t want to go?” he said mockingly.

“I’m dreading it more than ever this year.”

“Why’s that? Did you and Maddie have a fight or something?” He chuckled.

“No. It’s nothing like that. I just don’t want to go.”

“Spill it, Lizzie.” Ethan set his cell phone on the table, accidentally bumping his coffee. He reached for my napkin to wipe up the splotches.

How could I tell him what I was afraid of? I was too old to be worrying about such silly things. Ethan’s eyes bored through me.

I pointed to my bracelet.

Ethan shook his head. “I’m not following you.”

“Come on. She gave me a bracelet right away. What kind of gift will she give me for Christmas? What will Sarah think? And what if Sarah finds out about the bracelet? She’ll catch me in a lie. Then our relationship really would be over.”

Ethan shook his head. He sauntered back to the counter, refilled his cup, and then came and sat back down. “I wish I had your problems.”

“Why is that?”

“Seriously, Lizzie! Do you think Maddie is that stupid? And so what if Sarah finds out? All along, you’ve wanted to find a way out. I don’t understand why you fight so hard to stay in a relationship you even don’t want! I wish I had your problems‌—‌because they’re all imaginary.” He pushed his chair away from the table, causing me to wince as the chair legs scraped along the floor.

“What problems do you have that are real?” My voice quivered with anger.

“She wants to adopt a child. We’ve started the process. Soon, I may be a daddy.”

For an expectant father, he didn’t look too happy about it. He looked so unhappy that I didn’t even try to joke that at least he wouldn’t have to sleep with her to father the child.

“Does she know you hate kids?”

“I don’t hate them.” He sighed. “I just don’t want any. They poop and piss in their diapers. And they cry. They smell. And we don’t make a lot of money. Not all of us have a trust fund and can go to Breckenridge for the holidays.”

Ethan had always struggled with bodily functions, I knew. Piss, poop, and sweat grossed him out. All sexual acts repulsed him. There were times when I thought his wife must have loved him more than any woman had ever loved a man, history or no history. How could she be with a man who was repulsed by not only her secretions, but also his own? To my knowledge, Ethan never masturbated, let alone fucked. Kissing was probably out of the question as well. I imagined oral sex certainly wouldn’t be an option. It was as if he and his wife would live like siblings for the rest of their lives. No wonder she was desperate for a child.

I let the trust fund comment slide. I’ve lived with that stigma all of my life, and while I resented people thinking I was a typical trust fund baby, few people knew I received a scholarship for my studies. Also, instead of asking for money, I worked my way through my undergrad years. But I also knew that I couldn’t pursue a degree in history without a trust fund. Not many people get rich by studying history. It helped that Sarah also came from money. One of us could always suggest an expensive dinner or a weekend away without making the other feel bad. If Sarah had been a boy, my mother would have been so proud of me; she could have bragged to her friends at the club about me dating someone of “our” status.

“What are you going to do?” My instinct was to offer Ethan money. I always had that instinct. I hated watching people suffer because they didn’t have what I had too much of. But experience has taught me that people don’t like to be reminded they are struggling and I am rich‌—‌and not rich from my own endeavors, but rich because my parents are rich. People really hated that.

“I can’t really refuse her now, can I? She’s been making all of the sacrifices, and I think I owe her.”

I stared at a table of high school students. They were trying to act dignified, drinking lattes and discussing a movie they had seen the night before.

After a pause, I asked Ethan, “Do you think that’s fair?”

“Fair to whom? My wife? Yes. Me? No. And the child? Well, it’s not fair to the child at all. But then again, how many fathers really want their children?”

His coldness was a cover; I could tell by his eyes that the prospect weighed on him. Ethan never wanted to hurt a soul. He was tormented enough about ruining his wife’s life, which was why he would never leave her. She never had to worry about him cheating on her. And now he would have to account for another life. It was too early to know if that life would be ruined, but it didn’t look good. It definitely didn’t look good.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Christmas Eve arrived much faster than I wanted it to. Sarah and I were expected at Peter’s for dinner, and since my parents would be at the house on Christmas morning, Sarah and I decided to exchange our gifts on the morning of Christmas Eve.

We had decorated a small tree, which pleased us both; our mothers had always gone crazy with Christmas opulence during our childhoods‌—‌all white lights and sophisticated ornaments. I had always loved the simplicity of bubble lights and could stare at them for hours and be completely at peace, but they were never deemed dignified enough for my mother. Sarah had chosen our ornaments, cute little decorations from all of her favorite childhood Christmas shows‌—‌the kind her mother despised. Sarah loved the
Mickey Mouse Christmas Carol
the most, and you could tell by looking at our tree.

The tree made me smile. I wish I liked my mother enough to invite her over and rub her face in it; her disdain would be priceless.

Sarah and I had also agreed on a budget for gifts. We were not allowed to spend more than three hundred dollars on each other. But while shopping for my mother’s gift in Tiffany’s, I found a stunning amethyst ring. As soon as I saw it, I knew Sarah would love it. I bought it for her without thinking. With one purchase, I had blown the budget out of the water. Not wanting to let on, I purchased other gifts, too, and wrapped them separately.

As we unwrapped our gifts, I kept the Tiffany’s box in my pocket. Sarah had already started to get up to clear away the wrapping paper when I handed her the box.