A Woman Lost (27 page)

“You want me to tell you everything? Or just the top three?”

“Can you name the top three right now?” I smiled and wiped a tear off my cheek.

“You’re a workaholic. You are self-absorbed. You always think you’re right.” He checked them off on his long, effeminate fingers, and grinned.

“Huh. You didn’t even have to think about it.” I stared out the window. “And I wasn’t even referring to any of them.”

“What were you referring to?” Ethan flashed a smile. Then he sipped his coffee and grimaced. “Jesus!” He sucked his bottom lip a little. “Too hot.”

“Why don’t I have more people in my life? I can count on this hand, one hand”‌—‌I pointed to my left hand, the fingers splayed‌—‌“how many people I care about. I see people, and I know people, who have an endless supply of friends and loved ones they care about and who care about them.”

“An endless supply. That’s funny.” He blew into his coffee. “You have an odd view of human beings.”

“Seriously, what’s wrong with me?”

“Lizzie, ask yourself if these people with an ‘endless supply’ really care about all the people they know. There is nothing wrong with being independent and not addicted to collecting Facebook friends, but if you are pushing people away … ” his voice trailed off.

“Go ahead, say you told me so.” I braced for it.

“I would love to. But I can’t. I’ve been fucking up, myself.”

Ethan’s furrowed brow spurred me to inquire. “What? Is there something wrong with the adoption? With you and Lisa?”

He sat up straight in his chair. “Actually, it’s going well.” He ran his fingers through his hair. His nails were meticulous. “While you were gallivanting in the Tetons, I was doing a bit of soul-searching. Oddly, I have
The Little Prince
to thank for that.” His eyes sparkled.

“The children’s book?”

“Yes. I was preparing a lesson and I pulled my copy off the shelf. When I opened it, I glanced at a note I had written to Lisa years ago when I gave it to her before I left for college.” His voice faltered and his eyes glistened.

I felt my eyes moisten, watching him. “This is a fine mess. Both of us are a wreck.”

He laughed. Then his face became serious. “We have to stop. I know I can’t keep coming here each week, bashing my marriage and Lisa. It’s‌—‌”

“Not helping either one of us. I know. You told me before that I needed to grow up.” I squeezed his hand. “I’ll always be here for you, Ethan. But you’re right. I need to get my life back together, and you need to focus on Lisa.”

“And on the baby.”

I stared. Everything went quiet. Then all of a sudden it hit me.

“When?” I asked, feeling a sudden rush of excitement.

“Any day.”

Ethan looked giddy. He reminded me of the grad student I had met years ago. Full of life. Love.

“Wow!” I sat back in my chair. “Wow.”

“I know … I never thought I could be excited about having a baby.” He giggled girlishly.

“Oh, Ethan. I’m at a loss … I really do wish you the best.”

He removed his glasses and wiped his tears on his starched shirt. “Thanks, Lizzie.”

We stood and made our way to the parking lot. I gave Ethan a hug. He held on tight. I stiffened.

“You hug like a man,” he teased.

“You hug like a girl.”

“This isn’t goodbye, Lizzie.” He placed his hand on my shoulder.

“Yes, I know. Until we see each other again.” I paused. “Maybe we should meet at the top of the Empire State Building in a year.”

He chuckled. “And I thought you couldn’t be romantic. Look out, Lizzie. Once you release your inner romantic, there’s no stopping it.” He looked down, into my eyes. “Don’t give up, Lizzie. You love her. For once in your life, do not run away.”

* * *

A couple of days later there came a knock on my door. Few people stopped by my apartment without calling first. My heart jumped into my throat, strangling me. Sarah? Had she liked the flowers I’d sent?

I rushed to the door and yanked it open.

My hopes were suddenly squashed.

Maddie stood there, a concerned look on her face.

“Hi,” I said, and invited her in.

She surveyed the place with a glance. “Well, this is a little better than I was expecting.”

“What?”

“It’s a little messy, but I was expecting a total wreck … dishes and dirty clothes from your trip.”

The mess consisted mostly of my books and journals spread all over the coffee table. I was intentionally drowning in work. When work wasn’t occupying my mind, it always wandered to thoughts of Sarah. And when I thought about her, it was nearly impossible not to call her.

Maddie walked over to my bike, which leaned against the wall. Since Sarah had left, I had never bothered to hang it up out of the way. Maddie examined the odometer. “You’re still riding. That’s good news, I guess.”

She walked into the kitchen, and I followed. “Have you eaten anything since you got back?” she said as she opened the fridge.

“I’ve been eating out.”

“Where are all of the takeout containers? The leftovers? This kitchen looks like no one has been in it for months. Nothing has been used or is out of place.”

I didn’t say anything.

“All right, missy, get out of your sweats. We’re going to lunch.”

I tried to protest, but the fire in her eyes stopped me dead. Quickly, I turned and went to the bedroom to dress.

Within half an hour, Maddie and I were seated at Beau Jo’s. Maddie placed our food order and asked for a glass of wine for herself and a rum and Coke for me without even giving me a chance to turn it down. Then she ordered two large pizzas with all the fixings. “You can take the leftovers home.”

I sipped my water and avoided eye contact.

“So what are you going to do?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you going to call her?” Maddie fixed me with a glare.

“She asked me not to.”

Her eyes softened. “But you miss her?”

“Of course I do.”

“You love her?”

I nodded.

“That is all I needed to know.”

I laughed. “Are you gathering intelligence?” I stared out the window at the mountains, so solid, so permanent. I had convinced myself I didn’t need that. I was attempting to squeeze out the last drops of my youth. For me, finishing my PhD marked my official entrance into adulthood. I would no longer be sheltered by my student status. It was time to grow up. Happy memories with Sarah slowly flooded my mind.

Maddie put a hand on my arm and I noticed I felt nothing. No frisson of attraction. She was a friend, nothing more. “Stop thinking so much,” she told me. “Don’t let your brain dictate your life. Open up your heart and chase your dreams. Everybody has dreams, but not everyone has the heart to plunge in headfirst. Take the plunge, Lizzie. You may not always succeed, but you won’t die wondering.”

Our pizzas arrived. “But don’t worry about that right now. I need you to finish your drink so you can have another one.”

“Really? Why?”

“You have a wedding to attend, and I’m betting you haven’t given a thought to what you’ll wear.”

“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing now?” I smiled.

“That’s what I thought.” She winked. “After we finish up here, we’re going shopping for a dress. If you don’t dress appropriately, your mom won’t let you in. And you don’t want to miss the show.”

“The show!”

“Trust me, it won’t bore you. Do you think I could get your mom to dance on top of any tables? We could spike her scotch with acid or something.”

“My life is bad enough right now. I don’t need to be traumatized by a strip show featuring my mother.”

“Oh that would never happen. I think she sews those navy suits to her skin.” She laughed.

“Can’t you just pick out the dress and send it to my place,” I whined.

“No! And I don’t want to hear any complaints, missy.”

“Good luck with that.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I brought some duct tape. I’ll tape your mouth shut. Now I know why Sarah did all of your shopping for you.” She passed me a napkin and gestured to the corner of her mouth. “You’ve got sauce on your chin,” she said, smiling as I dabbed at it. After a few quiet moments, she said, “Oh, by the way you have a hair appointment the morning of the wedding. Don’t miss it.”

She flicked me a card with the appointment date and time. The directions were scrawled on in her long, looping handwriting. I sighed and put it in my back pocket. Then I shoved a piping hot slice of pizza into my mouth.

“Now that’s a good girl.” Her eyes sparkled. I didn’t have to heart to tell her that I had been eating all along, gorging even, and that the reason there were no leftovers in my apartment was because my appetite was out of control. I wanted Maddie to feel she was accomplishing something.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

The day of the wedding finally arrived. Without Sarah as my buffer, I felt more out of place than ever. Full of nervous energy, I stood outside, staring at the flowers that enlivened the grounds of the posh hotel. Peter had rented all of the rooms of the small hotel to accommodate all of the out-of-town guests. It was located just outside of Denver and specialized in weddings. Maddie had insisted the wedding be outside, rain or shine. Mom insisted that the Californian in her made her want to get married outside rather than in a church. According to The Scotch-lady, Californians were barbarians who preferred living in the wild. Fortunately, the weather was beautiful and the summer flowers were in full bloom.

I stood awkwardly off to the side while the other guests trickled in. Not only did I feel out of place standing there, but I also looked stupid. Maddie had chosen my dress, and while it wasn’t taffeta, thankfully, dresses never did fit me right. My left shoulder is an inch higher than my right, so the dress hung on my frame at a slant. To make it worse, I kept catching myself slouching to offset the slant. I felt like a hunchback in pink Chiffon and contemplated scratching like a monkey to round out the picture.

“Hello there.”

It was a voice I hadn’t heard in weeks. And for the first time, it sent shivers down my body. Slowly, I turned around. Sarah.

She stood there wearing an off-white strapless satin dress, stark against her golden brown skin. She had a sassy new haircut, with highlights, and her neck was encircled by one of the necklaces I had sent her.

“Hi.” I paused for a moment, not knowing what to say. Not knowing whether to say what I wanted to. I decided to go for it. “You look fantastic. I love your new haircut.”

She blushed, and looked down at her feet. I stared at the flowers behind her, feeling like we were on a second date.

Several seconds passed in silence.

“How have you been?” It had only been weeks since she left, but it felt like years.

She smiled and shrugged. Then she started to laugh, which caught me off guard. “Maddie didn’t tell you that she called me last week to insist I come?” She shook her head. “You know, Maddie, she has a way.”

I laughed with her. “Tell me about it. I’m wearing a pink dress.” I held out a part of the chiffon skirt.

It made Sarah laugh even harder. She had never looked more beautiful.

“By the way, how did she convince you to come? She pouted to make me wear this dress. And she got me drunk.”

Sarah’s eyes softened, and then she looked at the ground again. “She said you would be lost without me, and that you needed me. Don’t worry, I know those were her words not yours; you would never say that.” She smiled.

“She’s right, though,” I said quietly. “I am lost without you.”

A few people approached and I played the hostess and directed them to the seating area. Sarah never took her eyes off me and I saw they were wide with pure shock. When we were alone again, she asked bluntly, “Did you mean that?”

“Yes.” I stared directly into those beautiful brown eyes. “You know that phrase ‘You never know what you have until it’s gone.’ Well, I learned the true meaning of it.”

“Please, Lizzie, this is hard enough. The wedding … you … Maddie. Please don’t play games with me.” Her voice and eyes were pleading with me.

“I know you have no reason to trust me, but I’m not playing games.”

Another couple approached. Sarah and I rushed through polite conversation and then I took her arm and directed her away from the wedding area. Screw being nice to my mother’s friends, who couldn’t even remember my name. Most of them didn’t even know I was a member of the family.

When we found a private spot, Sarah pushed my arm away. “I don’t understand you at all. If you felt that way, why didn’t you try to call me?” The threat of tears choked her angry words.

“Sarah, you asked me not to contact you. I thought that after all I put you through, I could at least respect your last wish.”

“I didn’t want to talk to you.”

I laughed but stopped myself, and looked at her, suddenly panicked that I had blown it again.

But a smile inched across her cheeks. “This is a fine mess. I’m crying, you look miserable, and your brother is getting married in less than an hour.”

“True.” I felt like we were in a soap opera. I fidgeted and then came to a decision. “How about we just enjoy this day together? You’re here because Maddie gave you a guilt trip. I’m here because I have to be. Let’s just make the best of it. At least there’ll be cake.”

Sarah smiled. “I do like cake.”

I took her hand and we strolled back to the guests. A few heads turned, and for the first time, I didn’t give a shit. I hoped my mother saw us holding hands at my brother’s wedding on my birthday.

Sarah made pleasant chitchat with more arriving guests. She could charm the pants off of the pope, I thought, if he wore pants under his robe.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Maddie hiding behind a tree, waving for my attention. I whispered in Sarah’s ear and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She smiled and continued making small talk with some of Maddie’s guests.

Grabbing my arm, Maddie began to pull me frantically into her room. For the sake of tradition, Peter and Maddie had separate rooms the night before the wedding. Before I could say anything, she blurted, “I’m not going through with this.”