A World of InTemperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 2) (21 page)

The Captain and crew, do what they do,

to prevent all our ruin.

KRAH
-ACK!

KACK!KACK!KACK!!!

“Look out! The ship is firing at us!”

“Great Scott! An incredible blast of electrical power was released!”

Dynamized destructive power reaches out with erratic branches like some huge and instantly growing shock-shrubbery.

“The fools! They have mounted a Voltage Disruptor to their aircraft! These unpredictable devices are dangerous to operate under the best of conditions, but ungrounded, and over water? The gunner can do no more than point the weapon and hope that the arc chooses the intended target.”

“Directing the blasts in this manner is insanity, Ichabod!”

“Captain! Take us up!”

“Yes, we are ascending into cloud cover.”

“Is this ship armed, Captain?”

“This vessel is completely defenseless.”

“Can we go any faster?”

“Negligible. We are no match for that Zeppelin shark. Though she is an armed juggernaut, she is faster and more maneuverable than this gondola.”

“We are lucky to have the refuge of this cloud, but I don’t we are going to hide for long.”

“This predator of the air prowls the sky for us. His companions are not long behind.”

~! plinck !~
“Hey, I think I’ve got an idea!”

*~~~*

“Hurry up, Mr. Cogito, time has run out!”

“Well pardon, me, but reducing this ship’s supply of silver dinnerware to dust is no easy chore! I’ll have you know, this ship’s galley’s meat grinder, cheese graters and every pepper grinder aboard are ruined!”

“Oh, golly, I sure am sorry to hear that Mr. Cogito, but we are about to be blasted into electrified nothingness.”

“Yes, forgive me, I forgot. This punch bowl contains the product of my labours.”

“Thanks, Mr. Cogito. Come on, Captain Blaundi, let’s hustle this down to the entry hatch on the bottom of the boat.”

“Everyone, be quiet. The Zeppelin searches for us, not suspecting that we search for him in this murky cloud.”

“There it is, Ichabod! Just where we predicted! Hurry, pour your silver out on our pursuer’s head!”

“Yessir, Captain Sternphais! It’s sticking! The Zeppelin’s outer skin is wet from her passage through the cloud.”

“Engage the propellers! Hard aport! Dive, dive, dive!”

“Woah, we are picking up speed in a hurry! We are exiting the cloud! We gotta skidaddle, and get some sky between us and that giant piranha!”

“We have a good jump on the great gray ghost. Oops, spoke too soon. The Zeppelin has completed her turn and makes straight for us.”

“I can see the the Voltage Disruptor! It has instigated the charging systems! I can see the sequential lights running up the length of the electro-ray.”

“I note that the increasing speed of the lights would apparently coincide with the weapon’s climatic outburst.”

“Golly, the big windows of this glass-bottomed sight-seeing boat are allowing all of us passengers a terrifying view of our own horrifying demise, ain’t they?”

KRAH
-ACK!

KACK!KACK!KACK!!!

“Eeek!”
{chorus}

Screams and pandemonium take our ship as the Disruptor is discharged!

The terrible bolt of electric death only makes it halfway before hesitating. As if caught at the end of a rubber tether, the man-made thunderbolt struggles, and then, with an elastic ‘snap’, arcs back upon itself. Splitting into a parabola of six hungry tridents, the electric spears bury their barbed heads deeply into the Zeppelin, seeking the conducive silver.

Screams of terror turn to wails of pity from the passengers of our boat, as the great, murderous ship explodes, burning and crashing right before our shocked, disbelieving eyes.

P.O.V. Wolfgang

“Well, James, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten me into’s.”

“It’s not
my
fault, it’s me training!”

“When you are standing in a rowboat in the middle of a frozen harbor, there is no need to stomp und clicken your heels together when you salute!”

“Yeah, but at least I procured us alternative transportation.”

“Floating out to sea on a chunk of ice is not alternate transportation!”

“Don’t be gloomy, Wolfgoose, I’ll figure something out.”

“So, after you save us from frozen desolation and drowning, what is the plan to simultaneously sabotage every battleship and battle airship for thousands of miles?”

“Oh, I’ll think of something.”

“I am not encouraged by your nonplussed demeanor, Herr Murray.”

“In the meantime, we are lost at sea on a chunk of floating ice, and there is nothing being done to prevent a global catastrophe, ja?”

“Yah.”

“You boys look like you could use a little help.”

“You have zhat right, mein friend. Wait, vee didn’t say that! Who is speaking?”

“Krikey! It was that handsome young penguin over on that other handy floating block of ice!”

“So, are you two ready to negotiate?”

“Negotiate? What negotiate? Help us, please! Who are you?”

“My name is P.T. Piston. I used to be a spy.”

“Zoinks, hey, I’m a secret-agent!”

“You say you ‘used’ to be a spy, Herr P.T. What happened?”

“I gained some sensitive information and uncovered a vast, global conspiracy. I did not realize that my own organization had been compromised. When I made my concerns known, I got freezer-burned.”

“That is terrible, Herr P.T.”

“Commodore SilverQuarter was smart enough to lay low and run a counter-insurgency operation of his own. He had to pull in a few favours to get Murray here on the assignment. It soon became obvious to the Commodore that Murray was in over his head so he sent for me to take over this operation. Officially, this mission does not, and has never, existed.”

“Dangling Koala dingle-berries, what
is
my status, P.T.?”

“Like me, you’ve been kicked loose, Murray. You may consider this your freezer-burn notification. You are now operating from the outside.”

“Thumping kangaroo tails, what’ll we do, P.T.?”

“We go rogue. Out in the cold, we do it our way.”

“Ja, and in the meantime, we all float out to sea on our little blocks of ice.”

“I have operatives in the area. My team is standing by to render assistance should you make the correct decision.”

“Look, I see a couple of big whales nearby!”

“Those whales are in my employ, Murray. They are waiting for a signal. Either push you two to safety or kill you now. So, what’s it gonna be?”

“Krikey, P.T., I know I’m in!”

“You have us over a barrel, Herr P.T., besides, how can I say no to such a well-dressed und charming spy? What can we do to help?”

“Oh, he just dived into the water, Wolfie. He’s coming over here!”

“Ja, nice landing on our ice boat, as you flew up out of the water, P.T.”

~shakity, shake, shake~
“I've been making my own preparations for this coming conflict. The first World War is about to break out, and I mean to strike first. I have devices that need to be built, and I require the assistance of your opposable thumbs.”

P.O.V. Abigail

“Behold, Persephone and Abigail, the soaring spires of the Gaudi Cathedral, oui!”

“I say, my word, how extraordinary! Do the gigantic, quartz projections not remind you of a crystal explosion, frozen in place, eh hem?”

“It is taking me a moment to process that what I see is real. DeeDee, Persephone, let’s stop and take in the sight before us.”

“Oui, Abigail, let us savour this spectacular view. She is stupendous, no? The beautiful conglomeration of ice climbs hundreds of feet into the air! Thousands of glass shafts point out in every direction, like a bright green sea urchin. A dancing light is her inner luminance. This is our Emerald Citadel, Mademoiselles! Oui, it was worth the mêlée at the arch to observe this wonder, I think.”

“I foresee no more challenges between us and that structure. This remote, hidden valley with its Troll bridge and Elf guard protect this fortress of isolation, this, castle of aloneness.”

“I say, let’s pop in for a spot of tea, shall we, eh hem?”

*~~~*

“Oh, I like this! Many, many doors open upon expansive terraces all about this structure, no? Let us enter the icy salon that first presents itself, oui!”

“I say, as there is no gate, moat, nor even a clear ‘front’ to this porcu-fortress, that it behooves us to avail ourselves one of many glass-like ice doors to enter, eh hem?”

“Okay, this room is empty. I guess that is not surprising with a place this big.”

“I say, everything is carved of ice. The lush rugs everywhere to prevent slipping are a considerate touch.”

“Oh, I think the thick piles of fabric and pillows make the ice couches more comfortable, oui.”

“Is it just me, ladies, or do these carvings and the general décor have a slight ‘erotic’ flair?”

“Oui, Abigail, it does! Ha, ha, I think I see you and Persephone blush!”

“I say, yes, well, be that as it may, I have another observation to share if I may. Though the walls, floors, ceiling, furniture, and a few suggestive statues, are constructed of ice, the ambient air temperature is more comfortable within this structure than without. I think we can dispense with our overcoats and adjust our wardrobe accordingly, eh hem?”

“This is more to Mademoiselle’s liking, I think. Come ladies, let us explore these mysterious catacombs.”

“After you, DeeDee.”

“Merci beaucoup Abigail! Oh, if you will listen carefully, perhaps you will hear what your DeeDee hears, too!”

“I say, I hear music and singing, drifting to us down these lofty, icy corridors. The wide, palatial halls echo with laughter, eh hem?”

“Persephone, DeeDee, what are you doing? You should be sneaking along, column to column like I am, not striding down the middle of the floor as if you own the place! Hmm, actually, that might not be such a bad idea...watch out! I see guards ahead!”

“Shh, Abigail, you might wake the sleepy froggies, too!”

“I say, these are not so much guards, as ornamental sentries, eh hem? Oh, look, that little toad is coming to attention, isn’t that sweet? As you were, my decorative soldier boy.”

“Wib, wib, wight, wight, wib, wib.”

“Watch out, Ladies; I see humans ahead. I think this may be a prisoner transport detail. The guard is female, and has probably just gotten out of bed. She is wearing an ephemeral pink robe, high heeled slippers and not much else. Her prisoners, though two muscular males, are docile, content to be led by slender cords.”

“I say, glimpses into the various suites we are afforded confirm a distinctive ‘Roman’ aspect to this passionate villa, eh hem?”

“Hey, DeeDee, Persephone, get a load of what’s swishing its way towards us.”

“Wuh-wuh-
wibbity
-wibwibwib! Ladies! I believe the room you seek is
this,
wib, wib, way!”

“Oh, merci! Mademoiselle DeeDee, she is so
lost
without the guidance of the one so important and organized! Please allow me to tippy toe prance,
~tippity-tippity-tip~
to your side and grasp your little hand for comfort, oui!”

“Wib, wib, well, that’s wib, wib, why I’m here, my child. My name is wib, wib, Welly Nelly.”

“Oh, Welly Nelly, what a lovely and charming Master of Ceremonies, you are, I think! Please, my little Paisley Paramour, who does your wardrobe? Your seamstress must be the extraordinary one for you are too divine, too, I think! Oui!”

“
Wibbitty
-Wib!Wib!Wib! “Wib, wib, well, I actually design them mythelf!”

“Oh! I adore the tiny little man-boots, met by lace-bound hem of tapered paisley pants. Your vest and tight, short coat is not unlike Mademoiselle’s I think! Tell me, did you also design the magnificent uniform of our soldiers so brave and noble? Zee epaulets! Zee soaring kepi! How DeeDee loves zee man in zee uniforn, oui, oui!

“Wib, wib, wib, oui, oui! I did!”

“C’est magnifique!”

“Wib, wib, oui, oui! Wib-wib-well, let’s get you girls settled in. Open the doors, boys. Here you are, just make yourself at home. Remember, everything here is wib, wib, wibbed for your pweasure.”

“I say, what have we in this decadent den? Someone plays a lyre: badly. Over here, we have tables laden with platters of delicacies, and over here we have men and women reclining in lascivious repose. How very, eh, Earthy, one might say, eh hem?”

“Many of the women favour leather in their wardrobe, much as we in our present gear. The design of many costumes is not unlike Persephone’s.”

Gauzot and Plumtartt are doing a better job than me blending in. I better make a little adjustment to my appearance. Unfastening the top buttons of my blouse, I’ll give it a tug from below, tucking it in, all the way around. Holding my vest stationary and leaning forward, I’ll shimmy my shoulders back and forth, to allow a better field of vision to my, admittedly, ample goods.

Gauzot is giving me nods of encouragement. She is pointing at her head and silently, with exaggeration, mouthing the words, ‘your hair’, at me. She must want me to untie my hair from its pony-tail. Removing the cord at the back of my head, and working my fingers to the scalp, I violently tousle my hair, releasing its hidden volume. I’ll fluff a bit of my hair forward of my shoulders. I think that will give me more of a flirty appearance.

Mademoiselle seems momentarily taken aback. She closes her eyes, shakes her head, and re-opens her eyes along with her mouth, in a perfect double-take. She recovers, with an appreciative look of approval on her smiling face.

I look to Miss Plumtartt. A cocked eyebrow, along with a half smirk and nod, convey that she too, pleasantly concurs with my flounced appearance.

“I say, as the men in this room are quite, eh, spent, and lacking consciousness, let us avail ourselves of conversation with these intriguing ladies, eh hem?”

“Oh, oui, bonjour ladies, my name is DeeDee. Tell me, my outrageously developed damsels, what are your names, too?”

*
eep!
* “It’s nice to meet you! *
eep!
* My name is Tah-Tah Bodacious!” *
eep!
*

“Erotica Stratuspheria.”

“I am Elle Lustbunny. Where did they dig you girls up?”

“We’ve been working shows up and down the Barbary coast. They’ll be calling it the Barbarella coast when we’re done. From San Francisco's Oyster Hall to Kuetinpeenk’s ‘Fur Palace,’ we’ve played all the big joints.”

“Oh! So, do tell! Any good gigs I can nibble?”

“I say, rather, Elle Lustbunny. Scads, actually, I should say. Yes, quite, indeed.”

“So, you are such charming hostesses, oui! But Mademoiselle, she is curious. Where is our host?”

*
eep!
* “Why, our host is a hostess, too, silly, *
eep!
* In fact, I think we are being summoned to a big gathering, now!”*
eep!
*

“Mais oui! Vite! Vite!” giggles Mademoiselle Gauzot.

“I say! Good show, hear, hear, rather!”

“Good, let’s meet this operation’s Alpha.”