A Year to Remember (23 page)
Last week, Caleb took me to his childhood home in New Jersey. With the exception of flying on an airplane (it’s a rational fear!), we experienced a lovely time. His parents graciously welcomed me into their home. I’ve always heard terrible stories about meeting the in-laws, but Caleb’s parents made me comfortable. Of course, they’re not technically my in-laws yet. I didn’t leave you out of any big announcement. We’re not engaged or married (yet). Everything is perfect between Caleb and me. We both want the same things in life-marriage and kids. We never fight. Everything is very easy with Caleb. Easy is good, right?
Despite my dislike of air travel, I am going to Israel on a single’s trip. Let me say this once and only once. Just because I’m going on a single’s trip, doesn’t mean I consider myself single. I am not on the market! I’ve always wanted to go to Israel, and I have the financial means available to me now. While I’ll miss Caleb terribly, I believe I shouldn’t deprive myself of a once in a lifetime opportunity to visit Israel. Would you? Didn’t think so!
I doubt I’ll have a chance to blog while in Israel, but I promise to write as soon as I return. Maybe I’ll even learn how to post pictures!
Until then, look for me somewhere over the rainbow!
JUNE 16, 2012
DETROIT, MICHIGAN
WEIGHT: 187
STATUS: COMMITTED
I signed up, paid the trip in full and bought the tickets to JFK Airport in New York, where I’d meet with the rest of the congregants from Michigan to fly to Tel Aviv, Israel.
I told Caleb I had forgotten to tell him about the trip eons ago and, unfortunately, could not get my money back. He actually offered to reimburse me for the entire cost of the trip if I stayed with him. I held firm, stating I needed to get away for a while because of Missy. It wasn’t a total lie.
The Saturday before my trip, Caleb planned a special evening for us at one of the most romantic restaurants in Detroit. Set in a mansion built in 1894, The Whitney had the reputation of both culinary excellence and romantic ambiance with stained-glass windows, dark hardwood walls, sweeping staircase, and fireplaces. According to rumor, a ghost haunted one of its rooms. In all my years, I had never had the occasion to dine at it and I couldn’t wait to share it with Caleb.
I had bought a special outfit for tonight’s date. I think I did it out of guilt over my decision to go to Israel as well as the fact I’d lied to Caleb about when I booked the trip. I owed it to him to give him my undivided attention and to make the same effort in the relationship as him.
I abandoned the color black for tonight, choosing a skirt and blouse in various shades of purple. Underneath it all, I wore a matching bra and panties for our time after dinner. I figured I could wear the new outfit in Israel as well, so it didn’t seem too indulgent.
Caleb arrived at my door wearing a tuxedo. I hadn’t seen him wear it since my brother’s wedding, and I had forgotten how handsome he looked in it. It also reminded me of my mystery kiss for the first time in ages. I never did confirm he was the source, but it no longer seemed important. I loved Caleb, and nothing would change how I felt about him.
“You look beautiful,” he commented, wrapping me in his arms.
“Thank you,” I responded, lifting my lips to his for a kiss.
While we drove to the restaurant, Caleb appeared nervous, wiping his sweaty hands on his pants a few times. He let me do all the talking while he listened with an enormous smile on his face.
Both of us stood in awe when we entered the restaurant. Classical music played as waiters dressed in tuxedo’s served dinner and drinks to the patrons. Caleb gave his name and the hostess led us to our table in the dining room, elegantly lit by a Tiffany chandelier.
“Is this place actually haunted?” I asked the hostess as she pulled out my chair for me and set a napkin in my lap.
“You’re referring to the Ghost Room. It’s on the third floor, and it’s used for after-dinner drinks. You’re welcome to tour the mansion if you’d like.”
“Maybe later.” He ordered us a bottle of white wine and fidgeted in his seat.
“Is everything all right?”
“Everything is perfect.” Caleb smiled and kissed my hand.
Dinner exceeded my expectations, as I imagined Caleb and I would someday celebrate all our milestones at this mansion.
“You know my family really loved you. They can’t wait for us to visit at Christmas,” he said, smiling, his love for me etched on his face.
“Christmas?” I asked nervously.
“My family goes all out for the holiday. We all meet at my parents on Christmas Eve and have a huge dinner before going to Mass.”
“Mass?” Caleb lost in the reverie of Christmas pasts, didn’t hear my apprehension and continued to drone on about the holiday.
“Then we all sleep at my parents and get up early to give each other presents. You’ll love it. It’s the first year I’ll have someone special with me to celebrate the holiday. I can’t wait.” His whole body glowed with expectation, which caused a burning fire in my gut, similar to heartburn.
Even though I intellectually understood we differed in our religions, I hadn’t given much thought to how it would affect us. He accepted my reluctance in going to church with him while in New Jersey, but did he process I would never step foot in a church to celebrate a holiday or religion I didn’t believe in? Even if he did, how would I feel not sharing fundamental beliefs and ideals with him? Would he understand that I wouldn’t want our children to celebrate Christmas?
“Caleb, you know I don’t observe Christmas, don’t you?” His eyes glazed over momentarily with what I’d describe as a moment of doubt, but then he returned to his glow.
“Christmas isn’t really a religious holiday and you don’t have to come to Mass. You can just enjoy the rest of it-spending time with family and giving gifts. You’ll love it.”
“If we lived together, are you going to want a Christmas tree?” Although I loved to drive around every winter to look at Christmas lights, I didn’t think I’d be comfortable having a tree in my home.
“We don’t have to, but you have to admit, they’re beautiful. Besides, it’s more of a seasonal symbol than a religious one.” He made a compelling argument, but the idea still made me wary. I decided to change the subject because I didn’t want to talk about our differences anymore. I didn’t want anything to stand in the way of us having our happily ever after.
“You’re right,” I lied. “I’m glad your family liked me, because I liked them, too.” I smiled at him and licked my lips. He always lost his train of thought at the sight of my tongue. What a guy.
As he caught my tongue darting over my lips, I saw arousal in his eyes and he adjusted in his seat. Unfortunately, my tactic didn’t take him off the subject of family completely.
“I met your parents through your brother, of course, but when are you going to introduce me to them as your boyfriend? I hoped we could have dinner with them,” he suggested.
That’s one of things I loved about Caleb. He really loved the idea of spending time with family. In fact, he talked about how much he missed his nieces and nephews. He’d make a great father one day.
“How about when I get back from Israel we go out with my parents and we can invite Seth and Emily, too?”
He smiled and nodded, appearing excited at the prospect of spending time with my parents.
Our dessert arrived and Caleb fed me bites of his rich chocolate cake, while I sipped on a cappuccino. I was stuffed from dinner and ready for a nap. Caleb had another idea.
We took a tour of the gardens hand-in-hand, while I babbled on about packing for Israel. Caleb stopped in front of bench and asked me to sit. I obeyed, not guessing what he intended.
“Sara, when I first saw your picture at your brother’s, I had to meet you. Then when I met you, I had to get to know you. Now that I know you, I never want to let you go.” Caleb got down on one knee and pulled out a small jewelry box, just like in the movies.
“I love you. You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, making you happy. Sara, will you marry me?”
I had dreamed of this moment for twenty-nine years. Never did I ever imagine I’d respond like this.
“Caleb, I love you, but it’s a big decision and I need some time to think about it.”
His face crumpled in disappointment and for a second, I almost blurted out yes to avoid facing my guilt. But it would be worse if I changed my mind after accepting his proposal.
“I wish I could say yes right now, but I need to work out a couple things in my head before I can do that.”
“I understand. I shouldn’t have surprised you like this.”
“No, it was everything I ever dreamed and more.” I took his hands in mine and stood, bringing him off of his knees. Then I put my hands on his face and brought his face to mine for a kiss.
“Don’t worry, Caleb. I love you. I want to spend my life with you. You know I have a hard time making my own decisions. This is one of the most important decisions of my life, and I need to do it on my own.”
“How much time do you need?”
“I don’t know. I can’t really tell you exactly.” I kept glancing at the ring. I could tell without putting it on it wouldn’t fit. Was that a sign?
“I think we should take a break, Sara.”
“I don’t want to take a break! I just need some time.”
“Maybe we both need to do some thinking. It never occurred to me you wouldn’t automatically say yes. I’m not sure how I feel about your need to think it over.”
“What are you suggesting?” I asked, worried Caleb would walk away from me forever.
“I just think we should spend time away from each other.”
“For how long?”
“I’ll pick you up from the airport when you get back from Israel,” he said bitterly. Even though he’d never voiced his opinion, I don’t think he wanted me going on a singles trip to Israel.
“Can we talk on the phone at least until I go?”
“Sure. I don’t know how to get through a day without talking to you.”
“I feel the same way.” Without Missy in my life, Caleb was my closest friend.
Caleb put his arms around me and gently kissed me. I didn’t want to say goodbye.
“Can I ask you a question?”
He nodded, refusing to look me in the eyes.
How should I phrase it so I wouldn’t offend him? “Do you remember the first time we kissed?”
Caleb eyebrows rose inquisitively. “Of course I do.”
“Remind me.”
“On our first date, before our walk. I’ll never forget our first kiss or any other firsts for that matter,” he said, grinning from ear to ear, obviously alluding to the first time we had sex.
At least that idea temporarily cheered him up. His response confirmed what I already surmised. Caleb was not my mystery kisser from my brother’s wedding.
That meant he was still out there.
Could I marry Caleb knowing full well there was someone out there who made me feel ... more?
Caleb again grew somber. “Why are you asking about our first kiss?”
I should tell him the truth. How could I lie to the man who just asked me to marry him?
“Just seeing if you remembered,” I lied and hugged him to me feeling the warmth of his body. Unfortunately, he stayed rigid in my arms, a sign of his undisclosed anger.
I wanted to call Missy and ask her to make this decision for me, but for the first time in my life, I didn’t have her to help me or tell me what to do. I kept Caleb’s proposal to myself, praying to God I’d find the answer waiting for me in Israel.