Absolute Surrender (22 page)

“None taken. If you prefer, I can oversee luncheon, give you time—”

Amelia cut him off. “No, Charles, thank you for that consideration, but I believe whatever
’
s to be said should involve all of us. We
’
ve seen what happens when it is but two of us involved in the conversation.”

Hugh looked at her then. “Are you quite sure, Amelia? The things I wish to say are of an extremely personal nature. I mean only to give you the chance to properly consider your choice. I
’
ve no issue with involving Charles after we
’
ve spoken, should you wish it.”

“No, I wish for us all to be open, and it seems in this matter, for expediency’s sake, possibly or perhaps because I won
’
t be of a mind to suffer your words twice…I
’
m not sure why. I just believe we should have it out here, now.”

Hugh looked to Charles. “Whatever comes next, I
’
m requesting you be patient with my line of discussion and not haul off and level me.”

Charles looked to Amelia, and an extreme foreboding manifested in a blush that rushed her arms, speeding her heart.
Perhaps in private, perhaps private was better,
she thought. What could he possibly have to say that would call Charles to arms? Her breath stilled as she awaited Charles’s response.

“I will do as Amelia wishes of me.”

“Please do not level him,” she answered breathlessly.

Charles nodded, Hugh nodded, then they both watched her. She could see them as though she were a sprite on the boughs of this great willow, looking down on their strange arrangement in the grass. Then Hugh lifted on one elbow, facing them. She could see he was debating how to approach whatever subject it was he was attempting to broach. Then his gaze caught hers rather suddenly, and his mouth dropped open on words she could not have imagined.

“Amelia, have you ever
touched
yourself?” Hugh emphasized the word carefully, and she knew it was because he didn
’
t want to explain himself in great detail.

“
Well, I
—” She looked to Charles, whose eyes widened as his hands clenched slightly then loosened, and she looked back to Hugh. “I touch myself often, daily, as I do now.” Her voice trailed off as she raised her eyes to the limbs of the tree, refusing to look on either of them. She knew full well he meant something different but simply could not force herself to say anything else. Which was ridiculous. Because what she
’
d said was simply ridiculous. She
’
d
touched
herself just yesterday, as she’d considered Charles.
Damn me.

“I mean—”

“I believe I understand what you mean,” she said quickly, cutting him off. She simply couldn
’
t stand to hear him attempt to explain this, and to have Charles attempt to stay calm, and to stay calm herself. Her heart was already racing.
Racing racing racing.
Like a thoroughbred. She stabbed her fingernails into her palms, snapping back to the conversation. “And, no. The answer would be no, I…I haven
’
t truly…” This last bit trailed off into the sunshine like the breath of a butterfly.

They sat quietly as her world began that bumpy road to spinning, the one that would take her someplace else altogether. The butterflies took possession of her belly now. The flutter multiplying. She breathed heavily against her corset, attempting to feel the pressure of it, to allow that pressure to contain her. Hold her.

“Come here,” Hugh said quietly. “Let me help you.”

She moved toward him instinctively, as she had so many times with him. He rested again on his back, and she placed her head on his chest above his heart. “I thought on this last night, after the two of you departed, and I believe some of your fears may come from the unknown. It
’
s my assumption that you have never…
come
. I believe if you understood what all the feelings led to, what it was to suffer that crisis, you may be able to control yourself better. Because a climax can feel quite like losing yourself.”

She looked to Charles then, who moved closer, hopefully not to be within arm’s length of Hugh for nefarious purpose.

She held his gaze with her own as she spoke. “When Charles kissed me, I rather felt I was losing control. When he touched me…I felt my mind losing tether. I fear losing myself, most of all. I go to another place, and I don
’
t at all like it when I return.”

Hugh nodded, and she closed her eyes.

“
Ender
…I
’
m not entirely sure what you
’
re meaning to do here—” Charles started.

“As with yesterday, neither am I. But I do know that you get our girl here worked into a passion she
’
s yet to release. And if she found that release, perhaps it wouldn
’
t be so frightful for her. You do understand that her fear of the unknown is what drives her more than anything?”

“I can understand that fear. But I don
’
t know…to what end…we
’
re discussing this,”
Charles said.

“She needs to be shown, Charles,” Hugh said simply.

She needs to be shown
,
Charles.

He said it so easily, as if it was of little consequence.

She needs to wash the linens, Charles.

She needs to be shown
,
Charles.

She needs to see to the staff, Charles.

She needs to be shown
,
Charles.

It echoed in her head for a moment, until Amelia forced herself to pay attention to them discussing her as if she wasn
’
t there, and she wasn
’
t—she was back up in the willow, swinging from the boughs. Someplace safe, an easy distance from both of these men.

Who is to show her this? I suppose it would be you?

I don’
t know, as I said, I
’
m merely attempting to discern what could help Amelia.

And if she simply cannot let go from fear, how do you propose to get it done?

There is only one true way to discover this. The’s not a man, she cannot simply read Fanny Hill.

D
o
you not think
introducing her to this would
be the right of her husband?

Show me him, and we will both allow it, will we not?

The sudden tension coursed Hugh
’
s frame, and she snapped back into place and sat up between them. “Stop, please, I…I
’
m frightened.”

Charles’s visage melted, and his concerned eyes caught hers as he reached out and took her hand. “What does it mean when you say you
’
re frightened?”

She thought about her fear then. She hadn
’
t ever really thought about it when she
’
d said she was frightened before. She merely knew what was to come. The fear was a precursor, something that must be controlled. “I…believe what I mean to say…is that I believe that if we continue at this pace of discussion on this topic, that I might have an episode.”

“Might?” Charles asked quietly.

She could see that he wasn
’
t going to let her off easily anymore. Something had changed in him yesterday, though it seemed he
’
d been changing ever since the ball. Trying things, watching her and learning, then coming in for more. Last night they
’
d managed a difficult conversation in the carriage, and she
’
d been frightened at times, but she’d survived it, made it to her room before she was so overwhelmed that Louisa needed to wrap her up in her blankets nice and secure to be able to sleep.

“Yes. I
’
m not yet too far gone, though I
’
m coming desperately close.” She
’
d never discussed this. Nobody had ever wanted to know these things of her. Not even Hugh. He simply knew what to do, so even they hadn
’
t discussed anything.

Charles took her hands and rubbed circles slowly into her palms. She breathed. “Better?” he asked.

She concentrated on the circles on her hands rather than the spiraling in her head. “Yes. Better.”

“Can you look at me?” Charles asked quietly. That was when she realized she
’
d closed her eyes to concentrate on the feel of him. She shook her head slowly, breathed again.

He gave her hands a quick squeeze. “It
’
s all right.”

She opened her eyes then, the sudden realization that this man wouldn
’
t be one to rush her a heady push to her senses. But these feelings were different from before. They weren
’
t the dizzying, terrifying fall from herself. The inevitable spiral that would land her in a shuddering mess wrapped tight in a ball. This was different.
Different
.

Amelia held his gaze, slowly leaning toward him, her eyes on his mouth. When their lips met, it was as though her heart had begun to sing.

Charles’s hands traced up her arms, then pulled her closer to him, as he leaned back into the tree. “Stay with me, Amelia,” Charles said quietly against her mouth.

Her hands rested on his waistcoat, her body leaning across his as he held her ever so gently, kissed her ever so softly. She heard the shift of fabric behind her and knew Hugh was leaving them. She stiffened at the realization, then Charles’s hands traced down and back up to her shoulders. Her hands twisted in his waistcoat, and he pulled her closer, one of his big hands moving to her neck, the other finding her waist through her skirts and pulling her even closer to him, practically on top of him.

The full hardness of his man
’
s body was against her, beneath her, the muscles tensing and rolling as she lay upon him. She concentrated on that…the feel of his muscles, the roll, the sway of his body with every breath, as though she were the ship on the ocean of his chest. Rising and falling, rising and falling. She broke away from him, looking up into the dizzying heights of the willow branches above her, determined to stay with him as he kissed down her neck, seemed to lick the very pulse of it.

“Charles. I can
’
t. I—”

His hands came up, and he held her face, stroking her jaw as she pushed away from him. “
I just—
”

He shook his head, cutting her off. “Hugh.” Charles called him, and she heard the footsteps across the grass grow close again. What did he mean to do? “She needs you. You can
’t leave.
”

Inappropriate!
She gasped and pushed away. This was so very inappropriate. “
You can
’
t mean to do this again. You make a wanton of me.”

“And who is here to judge us?” Charles asked, attempting to remain calm, willing himself to be strong. He tried to consider options, but what he saw, the only thing he saw when they were close, was her slipping away. They
’
d gotten so close last night…because of Ender. But Charles wasn
’
t willing to give her up yet. Whatever happened at this point, he knew one thing for certain: he was determined to fight for her. From his perspective, she belonged to
Ender
, and he had to prove she could be safe with him. Vexed. He was vexed.

“
Ender.
”

“Jackson.”

They watched each other as if to measure their very content of character. The fact was, neither of them wanted this, but what they wanted and what was necessary were possibly two very different things.

“I believe luncheon may be ready,”
Charles said.

Amelia’
s head whipped around, and her eyes went wide on him.

Ender stared in shock. The broken tension lifted and wisped away in the breeze.

“Shall we?” Charles asked.

He lifted Amelia
’
s hand to
Ender, who took it and pulled her to standing. They looked at each other, shaking their heads, and Charles rose from the lawn, chuckling.

“You both look as though you
’
ve seen a fairy. This isn
’
t all that shocking. We
’
re simply having a meal.” He clapped Hugh on the shoulder, then took Amelia
’
s elbow, and bussed her cheek. “This way.”

What the devil?
Hugh could do naught but watch as Jackson strode across the lawn, Amelia following with confused, jerky steps. Constantly looking back to him. Hugh shrugged and followed. He
’
d been sure Jackson meant for him to sit with them to…to…do again what he
’
d done for her last evening. Hugh knew Amelia had been sure of this as well, but here they were, walking toward the terrace over the gardens, sitting down to a meal together.

Louisa took Amelia
’
s hands and led her to a seat, chatter quiet between them.

Perhaps Jackson didn
’
t believe that the solution…perhaps he intended to push her until she tipped but never let her fall. Hugh considered this, that he could teach her incrementally to suffer him. That wasn
’
t the right word, not suffer…more, to be with him than anything.

Hugh expected her to falter at any moment. He expected her mind to spiral off into the ether, but it didn
’
t. Perhaps it would work, this pause and retreat. He considered this as they sat in less-than-companionable silence, the void of sound reaching out between them.

Amelia needed to speak, but her head swirled. She closed her eyes and forced her concentration to stay. When she opened her eyes on Hugh, she was more steady, more sure.

“Hugh, you said that Charles…that he quite easily drives me to passion.” It didn’t last long. She heard Louisa cough into her teacup.

“And so it is,” Hugh said quietly.

“But you ground me, Hugh. You keep me here. I
’
m frightened. Have I mentioned? I have, haven
’
t I?”

“You have,”
Charles said.
“I
’
m not sure I can do what it is that Hugh has proposed. I mean to say, I know that I
can
, I want for nothing more than…this.” Charles motioned between the two of them, and only the two of them, then continued. “But I
’
m also frightened, Amelia, perhaps more so than you.”

This strong man had just acceded a point in front of his known adversary.

“I would be ruined as I understand it, as you
’
ve explained it to me in the past, Hugh.”

“No. There are ways to go about this without your ruination. You would remain intact for your wedding night…for your…husband.” Hugh closed his eyes then, and she could see that he was resigned that her husband be Charles.

She looked to Charles and realized that he understood the same.

“
I don’
t see this as possible,”
Charles said.
“Perhaps when we come to know each other better…”

She knew he was attempting to quell her, which meant that he could see she was close to an episode, but then Hugh bullied on—something he never did.
Damn him.

“When will that be?” Hugh asked. “We
’
ve agreed to discern what is best for Amelia, for her to be married to the man who can care for her, so long as that match will suit the crown
’
s purpose as well. I know beyond doubt I could make love to Amelia. I could teach her the ways of pleasure, and she would not only respond but blossom in the teaching of it.”

Amelia shifted at the heat that flooded her breasts, then closed her eyes tight to concentrate on the words as Hugh continued to speak.

“Yet you…you
’
re resigned to wait. Again, for how long? This is merely a lesson to be learned. If you
’
re not a green boy.”

Amelia
’
s eyes popped open as Charles stood, and she panicked, moved to keep herself between them.

“Do you provoke him purposely?” she yelled.

“Perhaps I do!” Hugh responded. “How is he to know now whether he would ever be able to be close to you? We
’
ve determined to care for you, however that comes. I know you
’
ll not be abandoned, no matter the outcome of his suit, because I will
never
abandon you. What exactly is he afraid of?” Hugh stood then, closed the gap between them all, Amelia holding the only space between them. Her right hand came to Hugh
’
s chin, holding him at bay, as her left hand reached behind her, taking Charles’s hand.

“Please,” she whispered. “Please do not argue. Not for my sake. I would much prefer to leave off and never return, than have the two of you at odds. You are the most important people in the world to me. You must understand, this isn
’
t something I can manage…”

She felt faint as her mind started closing in, the edges of her vision fading, retreating, and the sunshine dimmed at the edges as she looked over the green of the lawns. Then Hugh
’
s hands were on her, supporting her.

“Charles, if you don
’
t mind, I would borrow your carriage to return home,” Amelia said.

“We
’
ll accompany—” Charles started.

“No, that won
’
t be necessary. Louisa?”

She turned and, with Louisa
’
s arms wrapped around her waist, walked to the mews as Charles instructed a footman and watched her go.

“Well, I made a right bosh of this day,” Jackson
said.

“We. We did, and quite handily, I might add.” Hugh sat back in his chair and reached for a tray of meats, allowing his words to come as they would, hesitant to stop his train of thought and consideration. “Most likely she
’
ll go home to consider the day, and we
’
ll be informed of her conclusions when she
’
s ready to share.”

“I understand. There is much to consider, considering. It
’
s beyond me to understand why you
’
d be so forward with her.” Hugh pointed at himself as Jackson continued. “No, really, what the bloody damn hell were you thinking?”

“Has it not crossed your mind? In her behavior? You send her out of control in one, quite tangible way. It has to do with sex.”

“It had crossed my mind. In fact, we discussed that very fact on the journey home yesternight. I told her how important intimacy was to me, after what had happened. I wanted her to understand that my feelings for her encompassed that part of her as well, not merely that I require a wife to do my bidding as a duke. I found it quite important she understand that facet of my interest. Particularly after you and I had discussed it.”

Hugh nodded.

Jackson thought for a moment, then continued. “I requested they drive past the Row on their return to Pembroke. To have her before the matrons in my carriage without both of us so soon after we left. I wanted to make a statement, however that statement may be perceived. I believe them seeing her in my carriage, now without us, might serve to allay some rumors of her behavior.”