Absolute Surrender (50 page)

“And what if I
’
ve nothing left to give?” Charles asked quietly.

Hugh trembled, because now he was truly scared. “I have no right to be here. I
’
ve no right to ask anything of you. I
’
d earned your trust. At least, I believed I
’
d earned it—” Hugh stopped and looked at him then, but Charles gave no indication of agreement, so Hugh continued. “I handled the situation badly, worse than badly. There are no words for what I
’
ve done. There are simply no words for it.”

“I agree. So why are you here?”

“Because I have to try.” Hugh looked up.

“It
’s a bit late, don’
t you think?”

“Yes, it is late in coming. I should have trusted you.” Hugh closed his eyes and turned his head. Then he repeated himself, speaking more to himself than Charles. “I should have trusted.”

Charles crossed his arms over his chest. “Here I was, operating under the belief that we were both working toward the same goal, a common goal. That whatever happened between us, between
all
of us, it was acceptable, and that no matter what that was, we would work together to make sure Amelia was safe, happy even. Here I was…
trusting
you.”

“It wasn
’
t misplaced,” Hugh replied, knowing that
’
s exactly what Charles was now thinking. “It wasn
’
t. I swear it wasn
’
t.”

“How am I to believe you?” Charles asked quietly.

“
I don’
t know. I understand that I
’
ve destroyed that trust. I also understand that I
’
ve destroyed what possibilities we had.”

“
I don’
t believe you do understand,” Charles said. His hands came up slowly as if to prevent Hugh from startling, then Charles took the last step toward him and grabbed his lapels, pulling him in close. Ever so slowly. “You have shattered everything we worked toward. Amelia is in some…some
state
I can
’
t even describe to you. She
’
s here but not. And when she is lucid, which is not often, she
’
s in some sort of denial. She goes on as if nothing has happened. As if you are still with us. As if you did not abandon her without a single word. Like a child. Like she feels
nothing
.”

“Jacks, I—”

Charles shook him, hard. “Stop, just stop. Why are you here?”

There it was. The one question Hugh had no answer to. It was so simple, yet he had no response. Hugh lifted his hands and placed them on Charles’s shoulders. “Jacks…Charles—” He waited a moment, attempting to read the unreadable—Charles’s expression. “I am truly sorry for hurting you.”

“I
’
m not the one you should be apologizing to. You—”

“No, I will see to Amelia. I
’
ll apologize to her as well, and I
’
ve no doubt it will be…much worse than this, if you can believe it. But right here, right now, I
’
m apologizing to you. You, Charles. I owe you a debt. I hurt you.”

“That you hurt me implies that I cared enough to be hurt. That I was weak enough to allow for it,” Charles said, a warning tone to his voice.

“That I hurt you merely implies that we were close. It does not imply weakness. In fact, I believe it implies a great strength to let another person into your heart.”

“And when did we begin speaking of hearts? Don
’
t be so damned maudlin. You assume too much.”

“Yet you did trust me, and I damaged that, destroyed it possibly, though I hope one day—”

“Gaining my trust again won
’
t be so simple next time,” Charles replied.

Hugh paused at that, tightened his grip on Charles’s shoulders, watched his eyes as they bored into him, straight through, as if they could see every bit that made him who he was. “Next time?” Hugh said the words quietly, almost timidly, terrified he would startle Charles into realizing he
’
d given him a toehold.

“Next time. Next time you attempt to gain my trust, it will not come so easy to you,” Charles repeated, as he loosened his grip on Hugh. And, of course, that phrase had not been accidental.

“Are you saying the first time was easy?” Hugh asked hopefully.

Charles narrowed his eyes on him, and Hugh stiffened.
Too soon,
Hugh thought. Damn, and he
’
d almost survived the night. Hugh hoped Charles would tell Amelia he loved her after Charles killed him.

Hugh felt the tension in Charles’s fingers return, ever so slightly, then slip away.

“I
’
ve no idea where to go from here,”
Charles said.
“Your forgiveness, apparently, is a foregone conclusion in Amelia
’
s mind. What you did…it was more between you and Amelia than you and I. I
’
ve no right to interfere in that.”

“Charles, like I said before, I understand that I hurt Amelia, but my transgression didn
’
t end there. I understand how difficult it was for you to trust in me, given your history. I am truly sorry for that.”

“My only concern is for Amelia. As it has been,” Charles replied.

“I understand that as well, but mine is for the both of you. It wasn
’
t merely her that I hurt. I don
’
t expect you to forgive me, but I do need to apologize.” Hugh waited a moment then said, “I should go.”

“What happens next?” Charles asked.

“I
’
ve no idea. After this…I
’
d only hoped to make amends. I
’
ve no doubt that you and Amelia will continue without me. She
’
ll learn, I
’
ve no doubt of it. You
’
re becoming more confident. She
’
s trusted in you more. Not that I presume to take credit, but perhaps my leaving has helped in that regard, even a small amount—”

“I
’
m not so sure of that, since she isn
’
t herself at the moment. You see, there
’
s this disconnect, as though she
’
s paused all emotion until…until what, I don
’
t know. Until you return? She just stops, and stares…and there
’
s…nothing. It
’
s beyond disconcerting. She and I haven
’
t been alone together. I mean, Louisa isn
’
t an intrusion
…but she is.”

“Is she in London as well?”

“Yes, she is, and my immediate concern is that her behavior will be discovered. I
’
ve no power over her yet, Hugh. Do you understand?”

Hugh understood. While Charles had every intention of taking her to wife, he wasn
’
t yet in control of her future. If someone called attention to her, if her mother discovered the issue, or her father. Hugh thought certainly it wouldn
’
t get to that point…certainly. Certainly, her mother would continue to protect her daughter from that possibility, from a future in Bedlam, or worse.

“
I am sorry, Charles.
” This time the statement was met with a steely gaze and suffocating silence, and Hugh took that as an improvement. He was determined to repeat those words until Charles understood what he meant by them.

“Look, Hugh, I cannot pretend to be something I
’
m not. I
’
ve never had it in me to love, but what I feel for her is more than what I
’
ve ever felt for anything. I believe I love her. I don
’
t understand it, but I wish to. While I should be thinking of my responsibility to the crown, I
’
m not. I
’
m thinking solely of my responsibility to her. I believe it has become quite painfully obvious that she may not be up to the task of duchess, and I don
’
t rightly give a damn. When, exactly, this change occurred, I
’
m unaware. But it has, and I
’
ve yet to feel regretful. I will see to her, regardless of my station. If Her Royal Highness chooses to reprimand me somehow, so be it. I can care for myself. I
’
m not fully entailed.”

The ensuing silence shimmered with possibility, and Hugh latched on to that possibility with both hands. “You would allow yourself to be ruined in the eyes of respectable society for her? In the eyes of the crown?” But Hugh
’
s question went deeper than this, and he steeled himself for the response. He continued nearly without breath. “You would allow yourself to be ruined…
for me?
”

Charles paused, and Hugh knew then, and appreciated, that Charles wasn
’
t taking this question lightly.

“I would…I thought that obvious already. Amelia means everything at this moment, and that includes you. Again, I don
’
t know what that looks like, but somehow we will muddle through.” Charles’s gaze rose to Hugh’s again. “I cannot do this alone. This, her condition, is entirely too much for one person. She needs both of us. At some point you
’
re going to understand that fully. I just hope that understanding comes much sooner rather than later.”

Charles realized in that moment, in the speaking of it, that the reason for his own anger wasn
’
t that Hugh had left him, or Amelia. It was that Hugh belonged with them and refused to accept it. That Hugh cared for him, just as he cared for Hugh. Hugh spoke of forgiveness and apologies being tied to care, to love, but had yet to acknowledge that he cared for Charles. Hugh truly didn
’
t understand that, even as he said the words. This realization took Charles a bit by surprise. As well, he understood in Hugh
’
s question where his true fear was rooted, and the rest of Charles’s anger fell away on the realization that Amelia had been correct.

“I forgive you.”

Hugh
’
s eyes widened somewhat.

“I forgive you for leaving. I forgive the decision. I forgive the moment. I do not yet forgive you for abandoning us, the three of us. Because I now understand what you did, but you do not understand why. When you do understand why, I
’
ll forgive that as well.”

Hugh didn
’
t blink, and Charles waited. Hugh paled a bit, and Charles was afraid his words had knocked the breath from Hugh. Charles moved to shake him, but Hugh took a step back before speaking.

“No…I, please don
’
t. You
’
ve given too much. It will just take a moment…or two.”

Charles waited, and finally, Hugh said, “I never expected this much from you. I suppose part of me still believed you to be that stiff, immovable force of a man you grew up to be. I will give a great deal of consideration to what you
’
ve said, and I
’
ll have an answer for your unposed question soon. I believe I should speak with Amelia first. Before we move forward.”

Charles nodded, temporarily appeased, then Hugh continued on, a bit dazed. “Well, I want to thank you, for your time. I apologize for disturbing you this night. I promise to see Amelia as soon as possible. I
’
ve no doubt I’ll be turned away by her family, so it may take some maneuvering to get to her. Though I imagine Louisa would allow me to pass,” Hugh said a bit distractedly.

Charles held his hand out, and Hugh took it, much like a drowning man, and perhaps he was, of a fashion. So Charles did what moments ago had been entirely inconceivable to him. He pulled Hugh toward him, wrapped his arms around him, and lent him his strength.