Absolute Surrender (46 page)

“What I feel for Hugh is so much more profound than simply love. I not only feel him in my bones, but deeper. I feel him in my soul. His is a calm love, while yours—” She closed her eyes and concentrated. “Yours is overwhelming, so powerful it is, so full, so…wild and unconstrained.” She shook her head and looked at him.

“I think what I should have started out with, instead of
I love Hugh,
is that you…Charles, we have yet to truly know each other and even so…when you look at me, I can hear you speaking to my heart, even when you have not yet uttered a word. You simply take my breath away. This is something I
’
ve never felt in all my life, and it truly does affect me in ways beyond my control. A control which Hugh has always held for me. Knows better than I do. A control that is severely lacking where you
’
re concerned, but I wish for you to have.”

Charles brought his hands down over hers, pressing them lightly to still the incessant tingling that followed her fingers so he could concentrate on what he wanted to say. “And what I feel for you is so much more, so much stronger, than anything I
’
ve ever felt for anyone. At this point, I cannot imagine my life without you a part of it. And I do love you. Though this is all very new to me.” Charles tried to smile then but felt the tension in his jaw waver, and he looked down.

“Charles.”

He clenched his eyes shut then looked back up to her. Charles raised his hand to her face and shook his head. This sort of vulnerability was not familiar to him, and it made his skin crawl.

“Charles, I
’
m sorry to have distressed you. I
’
m so…I am so terribly sorry. I want you to understand this facet of love. You cannot love someone without the capacity to forgive them. You cannot. By that same tenet, you cannot forgive someone unless you hold a bit of them close to you. Otherwise, there is no need for forgiveness. When I speak of Hugh—and let me be clear—I may not yet have forgiven him for what he
’
s done to you, but I will. I know I will because I love him, and I trust him, completely. This is a misunderstanding. There is no other explanation.”

Charles felt truly inconsolable. He
’
d heard what she said. He felt the truth of it to his marrow. But the pain he’d felt mere moments before was taking its time in dissipating. Possibly because he was still reeling from Hugh
’
s departure.
Hugh
’
s departure.

It was a very real thing, that fear coupled with the thought of losing Hugh. Like a heavy blanket on his shoulders. And not merely because Hugh helped Amelia, but because Charles felt a kinship with him. He realized then that she was right. He
’
d never had need to forgive anyone in his lifetime. He
’
d never loved anyone to where that heaviness of hurt hindered him.

Charles had
never forgiven his father for his callus mistreatment of him, because there had been nothing to forgive. He
’
d never loved his father as a son should. The relationship he’d had with his father on face was the relationship they’d had in truth. He
’
d simply been a man who trained him up to be who he was today. Charles hadn
’
t understood then, but he did now.

To rid himself of this grief, he would have to forgive Hugh, for what Hugh had done to Amelia and for what he
’
d done to Charles as well. Charles was hurt by it, because he cared for Hugh. There was no other explanation. Though Charles had a feeling that destroying Hugh may give him the same satisfaction as forgiveness and was quite a bit simpler…

Charles nodded again, then patted her hands and stood. He grabbed the quilt from the end of the bed and took her hand as he passed by, waiting for her to stand and follow.

He stoked the fire one last time, then turned her, loosening her dress, letting it fall, then kneeling and removing her boots. He then sat back in the overstuffed chair by the fire, pulling her with him and wrapping them both securely in the quilt.

Charles didn
’
t want to speak. He was not yet ready, and he did not trust the words that would come. He did, however, want her to know she was cared for, and so very precious, and that what had happened, though it had torn him asunder, would be forgotten.

Hopefully soon. Perhaps after some rest.

Charles put his feet up on the small foot stool by the other chair and silently rocked them, staring into the flames as he caressed her back and felt her grow heavier and heavier, until she was full asleep.

“Jacks,” Amelia said quietly, concentrating on the finger that circled her breast so carefully. The room was bathed in darkness, the moon cutting shafts of light wherever the breaks in the Cliff House allowed for it.

“Oh no,” Charles replied.

“What?”

“Well, you
’
ve called me Jacks. That must mean I
’
ve gone and done something terribly wrong.”

“Oh no…not terribly. Not at all, really.” She paused, concentrating on the circles of his hand. “Charles?”

“Yes, Amelia?”

“I cannot seem to sleep with that…what you
’
re doing there. It
’
s a bit...distracting.”

“My apologies, I didn
’
t mean to wake you,” Charles whispered. “I suppose more sleep might be healthy, but I find myself so terribly mesmerized by this soft bit of flesh here, and the way the moonlight from that window causes it to glow. Quite beautiful, really.”

She leaned up to look, effectively moving the glowing bosom that had him mesmerized, bringing her mouth into the shaft of light. “Well, that
’
s not quite the thing, is it?” she said.

“What?” Charles asked.

“I cannot see what you
’
re talking about because I must shift to see it, but by doing so I move myself from the spot I was in, which is what had you so terribly mesmerized to begin with…you see?”

Charles was now staring at her mouth.

In the moonlight.

“Charles?” she whispered again.

“Shhh…” he replied. He leaned to her sweet, pink mouth and captured the next words with his tongue, not allowing her a breath as he pulled her toward him and the beam of moonlight emptied, leaving the room effectively barren.

“Charles?”

His head spun in the passion of her mouth on his. He knew he should stop.

“Yes, Amelia?” Charles grumbled against her mouth.

“Was that the solution to your predicament?” she asked sweetly from the darkened spot on the bed.

“
Oh yes, quite,
”
Charles said.
“For now you are here in the dark with me, and my eyes can shut without fear they would miss something important.”

“Oh, I see…Charles?”

He mumbled.

“
Am I forgiven?
” she asked quietly.

He shifted, and she tensed. “What need have I to forgive you?” If anyone should beg forgiveness, it was him. He
’
d caused her so much pain.

“I rather forced the issue with you and Hugh. I felt that—”

He pulled her tighter against his chest. “Amelia, you were forgiven the moment I laid eyes upon you. There is no chance I could hold any regrets against you. Yes, Amelia, you are forgiven.”

“And…and you still love me?”

Charles stilled. Was love often so easily bestowed then taken away? “Yes, Amelia, I still love you—madly, truly, deeply. I
’
m in love with you. I always will be. You will always be forgiven.” He wrapped his heavy arms tight around her and pulled her in as she melted against him. Settled. It occurred to him then that what he
’
d said was exactly as she
’
d spoken of Hugh. In love, forgiveness was a foregone conclusion.

“Thank you.” She seemed to tense as though to say more, but she didn
’
t, and he let it go with the moonlight. Some discussions should be left to the darkness. Some discussions were better for the full light of day. This discussion, the one pertaining to him and Hugh, would possibly never reach breath in either.

He had a decision to make about the future. And he needed to do it soon.

Charles had visited Amelia daily since the return to London. His concern for her grew with each visit, as she seemed further and further away, constantly caught up in her thoughts.

He looked to Louisa. “You
’
re concerned as well,” he said simply.

She nodded. “
I am, Your Grace.
”

“Has Hugh been to see her yet?” he asked.

“No, Your Grace, he has not. It
’
s not like him at all.”

“She isn
’
t even aware of us at the moment, though her eyes are open and her mind is quite obviously working.”

“She needs him,” Louisa said quietly.

“I know she does, though I don
’
t understand it. I thought we
’
d become closer, and yet here we are.”

Louisa nodded. “I could never replace Hugh either, Your Grace, even as he taught me everything he does. I
’
m only able to help her to…manage her episodes.”

“You
’
ll be coming with her to Castleberry,” he said it stiffly, not at all a question, even though he knew it should have been. He was just so…worried and frustrated as of late.

“Of course I will. I go where she goes. I always will.”

“I
’
m grateful.” He looked at Amelia again, her full attention out the window, at least it seemed. He knew her attention was actually somewhere inside her mind. “Has she ever been like this?” he asked.

Louisa shook her head, then took Amelia
’
s hand. “No, never. She comes and goes, but she
’
s still here. We would not be having a conversation like this before.” Louisa squeezed Amelia’s hand, and Charles wished it was him touching her. They had been so distant since the return to London, as was proper. They couldn
’
t possibly be anything more than absolutely proper at the moment.

“Amelia,” Louisa whispered. “Amelia?”

Amelia turned her head, stared at the hand in Louisa
’
s but was still silent.

“Amelia,” Charles started. “I must speak with your father again.” He wished to take her up, to hold her, to try to suffuse her with his strength, his warmth, to melt the freeze that held her.

“Charles.” She looked up. “Charles, but you
’
ve only just arrived,” she said with a smile.

He looked to Louisa then back to Amelia. “I
’
m afraid a short visit today. I have so many arrangements to make before the wedding and such.” He stood, and Amelia and Louisa followed. “I will see you tomorrow,” he said as he tried to smile. He took her hand, turned it over and placed a kiss in her palm. “Louisa, you should begin to prepare her things for the move,” he said quietly before nodding. “If you need me.”

“
Your Grace,
” she replied. Amelia took Louisa
’
s hand and turned back for the window.

Charles was led to the duke
’
s study to sign the marriage contracts that should have been drawn up for him. He wished he could find Hugh. He had so very much to say to him. Truth be told, he couldn
’
t manage to stay with Amelia for long, because when he saw Amelia, his anger toward Hugh tended to spiral beyond control. He needed to go over the contracts and quit this house to find him.

“
Ah, Castleberry. Welcome,
”
Pembroke said.

“Your Grace. I assume you have the final contracts prepared?” Charles asked.

“
I do. I
’
m happy to forward them to your solicitor, if that would be amenable to you.”

“There
’
s no need. I
’
m here. I can look them over,” Charles replied as he took the chair across the desk.

“I assume you saw my daughter first?” Pembroke asked.

“Yes, I quite look forward to the marriage. She will make a splendid duchess,” Charles said carefully.

Pembroke watched him as though looking for some sign of discord. “As I have always said, she has been raised to be such. Though, lately I have some concerns—”

“Do you?” Charles asked. “
I don’
t.” He wondered if he should push Pembroke when they were so close to being done with this. He took the offered papers and started to read them. The usual clauses were in place, the transfer of her holdings in her dowry, all of her property, everything she owned listed as though
she
were naught but property. Perhaps that was all she was to this man.

“Castleberry, I look forward to a strong partnership with you in the House,”
Pembroke said.

Charles looked up from the papers. “As ever,” he replied. “This looks to be in order, except for the Cliff House. It
’
s my understanding that property, which borders the far edge of my own, is part of her dowry.”

“I had planned to give it to her as a wedding gift,” Pembroke replied.

“No, include it here, and then I will sign the contract. She already expects the property. There
’
s no point in playing at a surprise gift,” Charles said frankly.

“Of course, Your Grace. I had only…well, I hadn
’
t considered that, I suppose. I will have it added to the marriage contracts.” Charles knew he wasn
’
t happy but couldn’t fathom why he attempted to retain the property.

“Well, bar that, I will request an audience with the archbishop and obtain the license.”
Pembroke didn
’
t say anything, and Charles stood. “We have an agreement.”

Pembroke held his hand out across the desk, but did not look at all happy. “Castleberry, until then.”