Abuse, Trauma, and Torture - Their Consequences and Effects (7 page)

As opposed to their "normal"
colleagues or peers, narcissists in authority lack empathy and
ethical standards. Thus, they are prone to immorally, cynically,
callously and consistently abuse their position. Their
socialisation process – usually the product of problematic early
relationships with Primary Objects (parents, or caregivers) – is
often perturbed and results in social dysfunctioning.

Nor is the narcissist deterred by possible
punishment or regards himself subject to Man-made laws. His sense
of entitlement coupled with the conviction of his own superiority
lead him to believe in his invincibility, invulnerability,
immunity, and divinity. The narcissist holds human edicts, rules,
and regulations in disdain and human penalties in disdain. He
regards human needs and emotions as weaknesses to be predatorily
exploited.

Return

Trauma

Abuse

Torture

An
Overview

What is
Abuse?

Violence in the
family often follows other forms of more subtle and long-term
abuse: verbal, emotional, psychological sexual, or
financial.

It is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug
consumption, intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and
child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviours,
suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders.

Most abusers and batterers are males
–
but a significant minority are women.
This being a "Women's Issue", the problem was swept under the
carpet for generations and only recently has it come to public
awareness. Yet, even today, society
–
for
instance, through the court and the mental health systems
–
largely ignores domestic violence and
abuse in the family. This induces feelings of shame and guilt in
the victims and "legitimizes" the role of the abuser.

Violence in the family is mostly spousal
–
one spouse beating, raping, or
otherwise physically harming and torturing the other. But children
are also and often victims
–
either
directly, or indirectly. Other vulnerable familial groups include
the elderly and the disabled.

Abuse and violence cross geographical and
cultural boundaries and social and economic strata. It is common
among the rich and the poor, the well-educated and the less so, the
young and the middle-aged, city dwellers and rural folk. It is a
universal phenomenon.

Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean,
ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and
control.

There are many ways to abuse. To love too much
is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension,
an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be
over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest,
with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless
–
is to abuse.

To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore
–
are all modes of abuse. There is
physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse.
The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously.
They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in
order to witness the abuse.

There are four important categories of
abuse:

I. Overt
Abuse

The open and explicit abuse of another person.
Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning,
chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent
treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse,
physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt
abuse.

II. Covert or
Controlling Abuse

Abuse is almost entirely about control.
It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances
in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered
helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing
predictability, mastering the environment
–
human and physical.

The bulk of abusive behaviours can be
traced to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of
control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and difficult
patients) because they are afraid to lose control over their body,
its looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive
in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and render it
foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of
"being in touch"
–
another form
of control.

To the abuser, nothing exists outside
himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal,
assimilated, objects
–
not external
ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other
–
is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of
one's brain. It is terrifying.

Independent or disobedient people evoke in
the abuser the realization that something is wrong with his
worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or its cause and
that he cannot control what, to him, are internal
representations.

To the abuser, losing control means going
insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind
–
being unable to manipulate them
literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were
to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control
your thoughts... Nightmarish!

In his frantic efforts to maintain control or
re-assert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly
inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial
list:

Unpredictability and
Uncertainty

The abuser acts unpredictably,
capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to
render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser,
his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or
smile.

The abuser makes sure that
HE
is the only reliable element in the lives of his
nearest and dearest 
–
by shattering
the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behaviour.
He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives
–
by destabilizing their own.

TIP

Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand
reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist
on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and
priorities.

Disproportional
Reactions

One of the favourite tools of manipulation in
the abuser's arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He
reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or, he would
punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence against him,
no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any
discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately
expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and
tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).

This ever-shifting code of conduct and
the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties
are premeditated. The victims are kept in the
dark. Neediness and dependence on the source of "justice"
meted and judgment passed
–
on
the abuser
–
are thus
guaranteed.

TIP

Demand a just and proportional treatment.
Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behaviour.

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation,
react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

Dehumanization and
Objectification (Abuse)

People have a need to believe in the empathic
skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and
objectifying people
–
the abuser
attacks the very foundations of human interaction. This is the
"alien" aspect of abusers
–
they may be
excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are
emotionally absent and immature.

Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so
phantasmagoric
–
that people recoil in
terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they
are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control.
Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of
dehumanization and objectification.

TIP

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of
him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not
succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough
–
disengage, involve law enforcement officers,
friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is
the abuser's weapon.

Never give him a second chance. React with
your full arsenal to the first transgression.

Abuse of
Information

From the first moments of an encounter with
another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects
information. The more he knows about his potential victim
–
the better able he is to coerce,
manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause".
The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he
gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in
which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his
armory.

TIP

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a
first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.

Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes,
boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.

Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back
on your word. Be firm and resolute.

Impossible
Situations

The abuser engineers impossible,
dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific
situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that
his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are
the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations
that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own
indispensability.

TIP

Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize
every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others
informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your
situation.

Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible
and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.

III.
Control and Abuse by
Proxy

If all else fails, the abuser recruits
friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities,
institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers 
–
in short, third parties
–
to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce,
threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass,
communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these
unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate
prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his
props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to
engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another
person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and
humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or
even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social
group become the instruments of the abuser.

TIP

Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of
their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they
are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.

Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you.
Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to
disinfest abuse.

IV.
Ambient
Abuse

The fostering, propagation and enhancement of
an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability
and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor
any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling
remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This
is sometimes called "gaslighting".

In the long term, such an environment
erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a
paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself
exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus
reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and
the abuser
–
the suffering
soul.

TIP

Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to
overt and violent abuse.

You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you
owe yourself a life. Bail out.

Articles
Menu

http://www.narcissistica-abuse.com/abuse.html

http://www.narcissistica-abuse.com/abusefamily.html

1.
The Gradations of
Abuse

2.
The Guilt of the Abused -
Pathologizing the Victim

3.
Coping with Your
Abuser

4.
The Abuser in
Denial