Abuse, Trauma, and Torture - Their Consequences and Effects (19 page)

When Can a
Classic
Narcissist
Become an Inverted
Narcissist?

A classic narcissist can become an inverted
narcissist in one (or more) of the following (typically cumulative)
circumstances:

1. Immediately
   following a life crisis and a
   narcissistic injury
   (divorce, devastating financial loss, death of a parent, or a
   child, imprisonment, loss of social status and, in general, any
   other narcissistic injury).
   

1. When the injured
   narcissist then meets another - classic - narcissist who restores a
   sense of meaning and superiority (uniqueness) to his life. The
   injured narcissist derives Narcissistic Supply vicariously, by
   proxy, through the "dominant" narcissist.
   

1. As part of an effort to secure a particularly
   desired Source of Narcissistic Supply. The conversion from classic
   to inverted narcissism serves to foster an attachment (bonding)
   between the narcissist and his source. When the narcissist judges
   that the source is his and can be taken for granted, he reverts to
   his former, classically narcissistic self.
   

Such a "conversion" is always temporary. It
does not last and the narcissist reverts to his "default" or
dominant state.

When Can an Inverted Narcissist
become a
Classic
Narcissist
?

The inverted narcissist can become a classic
narcissist in one (or more) of the following (typically cumulative)
circumstances:

1. Immediately following a
   life crisis that involves the incapacitation or dysfunction of the
   inverted narcissist's partner (sickness, accident, demotion,
   divorce, devastating financial loss, death of a parent, or a child,
   imprisonment, loss of social status and, in general, any other
   narcissistic injury).
   

1. When the inverted
   narcissist, injured and disillusioned, then meets another -
   inverted - narcissist who restores a sense of meaning and
   superiority (uniqueness) to his life. The injured narcissist
   derives Narcissistic Supply from the inverted
   narcissist.
   

1. As part of an effort to secure a particularly
   desired Source of Narcissistic Supply. The conversion from inverted
   to classic narcissism serves to foster an attachment (bonding)
   between the narcissist and his source. When the narcissist judges
   that the source is his and can be taken for granted, he reverts to
   his former, inverted narcissistic self.
   

Such a "conversion" is always temporary. It
does not last and the narcissist reverts to his "default" or
dominant state.

Relationships between the Inverted
Narcissist and Non-Narcissists

The Inverted Narcissist can
maintain relationships outside of the symbiotic primary
relationship with a narcissist. But the Invert does not "feel"
loved because she finds the non-narcissist not "engulfing" or not
"exciting". Thus, the Invert tends to devalue their
non-narcissistic primary partner as less worthy of the Inverts'
love and attention.

The Invert may be able to sustain
a relationship with a non-narcissist by finding other narcissistic
symbiotic relationships outside of this primary relationship. The
Invert may, for instance, have a narcissistic friend or lover, to
whom he pays extraordinary attention, ignoring the real needs of
the non-narcissistic partner.

Consequently, the only
semi-stable primary relationship between the Invert and the
non-narcissist occurs where the non-narcissist is very easy going,
emotionally secure and not needing much from the Invert at all by
way of time, energy or commitment to activities requiring the
involvement of both parties. In a relationship with this kind of
non-narcissist, the Invert may become a workaholic or very involved
in outside activities that exclude the non-narcissist
spouse.

It appears that the Inverted
Narcissist in a relationship with a non-narcissist is behaviourally
indistinguishable from a true narcissist. The only important
exception is that the Invert does not rage at his non-narcissist
partner – she instead withdraws from the relationship even further.
This passive-aggressive reaction has been noted, though, with
narcissists as well.

Inverted and Other
Atypical / Partial (NOS) Narcissists

Inverted Narcissists Talk about
Themselves

Competition and (Pathological)
Envy

"I have a dynamic that comes up
with every single person I get close to, where I feel extremely
competitive toward and envious of the other person. But I don't ACT
competitive, because at the very outset, I see myself as the loser
in the competition. I would never dream of trying to beat the other
person, because I know deep in my heart that they would win and I
would be utterly humiliated. There are fewer things on earth that
feel worse to me than losing a contest and having the other person
gloat over me, especially if they know how much I cared about not
losing. This is one thing that I actually feel violent about. I
guess I tend to project the grandiosity part of the NPD package
onto the other person rather than on a False Ego of my own. So most
of the time I'm stuck in a state of deep resentment and envy toward
her. To me, she's always far more intelligent, likable, popular,
talented, self-confident, emotionally developed, morally good, and
attractive than I am. And I really hate her for that, and feel
humiliated by it. So it's incredibly hard for me to feel happy for
this person when she has a success, because I'm overcome with
humiliation about myself. This has ruined many a close
relationship. I tend to get this way about one person at a time,
usually the person who is playing the role of 'my better half',
best friends or lovers/partners. So it's not like I'm unable to be
happy for anyone, ever, or that I envy every person I meet. I don't
get obsessed with how rich or beautiful movie stars are or anything
like that. It only gets projected onto this partner-person, the
person I'm depending on the most in terms of supplies (attention,
reassurance, security, building up my self-esteem,
etc.)…

…
The really
destructive thing that happens is, I see her grandiose traits as
giving her the power to have anything and anyone she wants. So I
feel a basic insecurity, because why should she stay with a loser
like me, when she's obviously so out of my league? So really, what
I'm envious of is the power that all that talent, social ability,
beauty, etc., gives her to have CHOICES – the choice to stay or
leave me. Whereas I am utterly dependent on her. It's this
emotional inequality that I find so humiliating."

"I agree with the inverted
narcissist designation – sometimes I've called myself a 'closet
narcissist'. That is, I've internalised the value system of
grandiosity, but have not applied the grandiose identity to
myself.

I believe I SHOULD BE those
grandiose things, but at the same time, I know I'm not and I'm
miserable about it. So people don't think of me as having an
inflated Ego – and indeed I don't – but scratch the surface, and
you'll find all these inflated expectations. I mean to say that
perhaps the parents suppressed every manifestation of grandiosity
(very common in early childhood) and of narcissism – so that the
defence mechanism that narcissism is was 'inverted' and
internalised in this unusual form."

"Maybe there aren't two discrete
states (NPD vs. 'regular' low self-esteem) – maybe it's more of a
continuum. And maybe it's just the degree and depth of the problem
that distinguishes one from the other.

My therapist describes NPD as
'the inability to love oneself'. As she defines it, the
'narcissistic wound' is a deep wounding of the sense of self, the
image of oneself. That doesn't mean that other disorders – or for
that matter, other life stressors – can't also cause low
self-esteem. But I think NPD IS low self-esteem…

That's what the disorder is
really about – an image of yourself that is profoundly negative,
and the inability to attain a normal and healthy
self-image…"

"Yes, I'm a survivor of child
abuse. But remember that not all abuse is alike. There are
different kinds of abuse, and different effects. My XXX's style of
abuse had to do with trying to annihilate me as a separate person.
It also had to do with the need to put all his negative self-image
onto me – to see in me what he hated in himself. So I got to play
the role of the loser that he secretly feared he was. I was flipped
back and forth in those roles – sometimes I'd be a Source of NS for
him, and other times I was the receptacle of all his pain and rage.
Sometimes my successes were used to reflect back on him, to show
off to the rest of the family. Other times, my successes were
threatening to my father, who suddenly feared that I was superior
to him and had to be squelched. I experience emotions that most
people I know don't feel. Or maybe they do feel them, but to far
less extreme intensity. For example, the envy and
comparison/competition I feel toward others. I guess most of us
have experienced rivalry, jealousy, being compared to others. Most
of us have felt envy at another's success. Yet most people I know
seem able to overcome those feelings to some extent, to be able to
function normally. In a competition, for example, they may be
driven to do their best so they can win. For me, the fear of losing
and being humiliated is so intense that I avoid competition
completely. I am terrified of showing people that I care about
doing well, because it's so shaming for me if I lose. So I
underachieve and pretend I don't care. Most people I know may envy
another person's good luck or success, but it doesn't prevent them
from also being happy for them and supporting them. But for me,
when I'm in a competitive dynamic with someone, I can't hear about
any of their successes, or compliments they've received, etc. I
don't even like to see the person doing good things, like bringing
Thanksgiving leftovers to the sick old guy next door, because those
things make me feel inferior for not thinking of doing that myself
(and not having anyone in my life that I'd do that for). It's just
so incredibly painful for me to see evidence of the other person's
good qualities, because it immediately brings up my feeling of
inferiority. I can't even stand to date someone, who looks really
good, because I'm jealous of their good looks! So this deep and
obsessive envy has destroyed my joy in other people. All the things
about other people that I love and take pleasure in is a
double-edged sword because I also hate them for it, for having
those good qualities (while, presumably, I don't). I don't know –
do you think this is garden-variety low self-esteem? I know plenty
of people who suffer from lack of confidence, from timidity, social
awkwardness, hatred of their body, feeling unlovable, etc. But they
don't have this kind of hostile, corrosive resentment of another
person for being all the wonderful things that they can't be, or
aren't allowed to be, etc. And one thing I hate is when people are
judgemental of me about how I feel, as though I can help it. It's
like, 'You shouldn't be so selfish, you should feel happy for her
that she's successful', etc. They don't understand that I would
love to feel those things, but I can't. I can't stop the incredible
pain that explodes in me when these feelings get triggered, and I
often can't even HIDE the feelings. It's just so overwhelming. I
feel so damaged sometimes. There's more, but that's the crux of it
for me, anyway."

Getting Compliments

"I love getting compliments and
rewards, and do not react negatively to them. In some moods, when
my self-hate has gotten triggered, I can sometimes get to places
where I'm inconsolable, because I get stuck in bitterness and
self-pity, and so I doubt the sincerity or the reliability of the
good thing that someone is saying to me (to try to cheer me up or
whatever). But, if I'm in a reasonable mood and someone offers me
something good, I'm all too happy to accept it! I don't have a
stake in staying miserable."

The Partiality of the
Condition

"I do agree that it's (atypical
or inverted narcissism) not MILDER. But how I see it is that it's
PARTIAL. The part that's there is just as destructive as it is in
the typical narcissist. But there are parts missing from that
total, full-blown disorder – and I see that as healthy, actually. I
see it as parts of myself that WEREN'T infected by the pathology,
that are still intact.

In my case, I did not develop the
overweening Ego part of the disorder. So in a sense, what you have
with me is the naked pathology, with no covering: no suaveness, no
charm, no charisma, no confidence, no persuasiveness, but also no
excuses, no lies, no justifications for my feelings. Just the ugly
self-hate, for all to see. And the self-hate part is just as bad as
it is with a full-blown narcissist, so again, it's not
milder.

But because I don't have the
denial part of the disorder, I have a lot more insight, a lot more
motivation to do something about my problems (i.e., I 'self-refer'
to therapy), and therefore, I think, a lot more hope of getting
better than people whose defence involves totally denying they even
have a problem."

"When my full-blown XXX's
pathological envy would get triggered, he would respond by putting
down the person he was envious of – or by putting down the
accomplishment itself, or whatever good stuff the other person had.
He'd trivialise it, or outright contradict it, or find some way to
convince the other person (often me) that the thing they're feeling
good about isn't real, or isn't worthwhile, or is somehow bad, etc.
He could do this because the inflated Ego defence was fully formed
and operating with him.