Act Like a Success, Think Like a Success: Discovering Your Gift and the Way to Life's Riches (11 page)

Everything we do in life that's worthy of note requires gifts that are beyond our own. How we utilize the blessings of our relationships is the key to making it big.

As you get transfers along your path, you have to connect with others because there is no such thing as a self-made man or woman. No one builds anything of any great magnitude alone. There's nothing wrong with partnering with someone else. Many times people miss out on opportunities because they are trying to keep it all for themselves. Look at it this way—you can either have all of an eight-inch cake or you can have half of a sheet cake. At the end of the day, that half of a sheet cake is much more than having an eight-inch cake all to yourself.

You also have to keep your eyes open for like-minded people, for others who are on the same wavelength as you. Partnerships give you another person to bounce around ideas with, and they can help you see things from an angle that you didn't even consider. Once you find a partner, he or she won't necessarily be your partner for life. Not everybody who begins the journey with you can go where you are headed. When I started out, I had a lot of partners, but I quickly learned that not everyone was capable of going to the next level with me.

I am blessed because God kept putting other dreamers in my life to keep fueling me when I couldn't fuel myself. I first learned about connecting to other dreamers at the end of my junior year at Kent State.

Arsenio Hall and I attended Kent State at the same time, and I remember when our whole crew was discussing what we were going to do during the summer. Most of us had jobs lined up for the summer, but Arsenio said, “I'm going to Hollywood.” We laughed at him because it didn't make sense to us. I even said, “What are you going to do in Hollywood?” He didn't even flinch, just said, “I'm going to be famous.” I saw him taking a few theater classes, but I didn't think he was serious. Sure enough, though, Arsenio went to Hollywood that summer, and I ended up flunking out of school.

After that summer, I forgot about my dreams and started focusing on paying the rent. I was making thirteen dollars an hour at a job I hated, where I worked from midnight to 8 a.m. every day, and came home filthy and exhausted. All of my friends had graduated and started their lives, and there I was working at factory jobs that I could barely keep because of layoffs. I realized that I wasn't living; I was just surviving.

One night a few years later, I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching TV and preparing to go to work, when I heard “. . . and introducing from Cleveland, Ohio . . . Arsenio Hall.” I looked more closely at the television, and sure enough, there was Arsenio on
Don Kirshner's Rock Concert
. Arsenio had done it. There he was telling jokes and becoming a comedian just like he said he would. He made it to Hollywood and he was on his way. I was sitting there in awe, saying, “Wow!” I started calling all of my friends, waking them up, and telling them to turn on their TVs.

When I got to work later that night, I kept saying, “I know this dude, and he had dreams just like me. If he had a big dream and made it, I could, too.” To this day I don't even know if Arsenio knows that he changed my life. But I learned that being around another dreamer can push you when you forget how to dream for yourself.

There are no self-made men. You need others around you for inspiration and motivation. And I'm certain that at some point you will also need them for material resources or advice. Whatever the case, you need to be bold enough to ask. I didn't always feel this way. In fact, what encouraged me to begin asking was realizing that I had nothing to lose. I also had nothing to prove and nothing to be ashamed of, so rejection was nothing to fear. Recognizing this practically doubled my confidence level. It strengthened me to go forward and ask. You have no idea of the number of successful people around you who are waiting for someone to come up and ask them for assistance or guidance.

I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I didn't mind asking people for things. Little did I know how many people were sitting around just waiting to have a discussion with me, to have an association with me. Magic Johnson doesn't mind sitting down talking. John Hope Bryant doesn't mind talking to me. Tyler Perry doesn't mind talking. The president of the United States doesn't mind talking. Big agencies, such as William Morris Endeavor, don't mind talking to me. The chairman of NBC doesn't mind talking to me. I was so occupied with priding myself on not asking for anything that I almost missed out.

It's okay to sit and brainstorm with like-minded people and share what is going on with you. You may not have to ask for as much as you think. Just the mere fact of your striking up a conversation could be the thing they have been waiting for; maybe this other person is looking for somebody who wants to do something, who is eager to learn, who is eager to share, and that initial conversation will lead to great things. Keep it in perspective; all you need to do is talk to people of like mind, and I promise, they will not mind talking to you.

How do you expect to get what you need if you don't open up your mouth and ask for it? Our lives are a direct reflection of our communication. If you are unwilling to communicate your needs to your employers, customers, partners, and family members, you can't blame them for not giving you what you need. You don't know everything, you don't know everyone, and you can't do it all alone.

Various research studies illustrate how powerful it is to ask for what we want. Studies show that in most cases people say yes to those people who ask for what they want far more often than people expect. Additionally, most requests seem larger in the requester's head than they are to the requestees. Lesson learned? Asking for what you want gives you a better chance of getting it than not asking. So why don't more of us ask for what we want?

A study done by sociologist Annette Lareau showed how kids from different economic backgrounds view asking questions. Kids from affluent and middle-class environments believed that they were entitled to ask for the things they felt they deserved. They almost willed themselves to have what they wanted by creating a habit and value system of asking for what they want.

On the other side, you have people who grew up like me, in an environment where you were viewed as weak if you didn't know something. And don't even get me started about asking for what you need. So often I didn't do that, because I didn't want anyone to know I needed anything. That was the pride that kept me from getting all that I wanted, needed, and actually deserved. There is no shame in not knowing something, in not having something, or in wanting or needing something. So much of what will determine the difference between a good life and a great life is an ask away. Without shame, you have access to more power.

While there is power in the ask, there is also risk involved. People may say no. Some may make assumptions based on our wants or needs, and still others may reject us and our boldness in asking for what we want. But the fear of those responses is increased a thousand times when all of our interactions with people are only transactional.

When you interact with people only when you need or want something, they can see your intentions coming a mile away. Asking for what you want becomes a totally different process when you deal with people based on nurtured relationships. But this can be hard for many of us. We don't want to be vulnerable, and building true relationships requires a higher level of openness. But whether you are attempting to access capital to launch a new business or trying to convince your boss you deserve a raise, a meaningful professional relationship can make all the difference. When people respond to a request, they are usually not just giving a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down to what you asked for. They are actually assessing what they think of you, the risk involved, and the potential return. How do we begin asking for what we want?

Here are six principles to help you get a yes.

        
1.
   
KNOW YOUR WORTH
.
If you don't know your worth, you are allowing someone else to determine it. But knowing your worth is not enough if you don't communicate it boldly. If you have determined you are worth $150,000 a year, you have to be willing to fight to get as close to that value as possible. In fact, you should be prepared to go in asking for more than $150K to give yourself room to negotiate down to what you want. As with any request, you may not get
exactly
what you want. However, when you know your value and fight for it in a professional way, I guarantee you will walk away from the table with more than if you had asked for nothing.

        
2.
   
RECOGNIZE WHAT YOU DESERVE
.
Far too many people—women in particular—put their wants and needs on the back burner, for the benefit of everyone else. There is nothing noble about denying yourself the life you were destined to have to accommodate someone else. That doesn't mean we don't make compromises for people we love or those we are building businesses with. But if your needs are always being put on hold, you have to pause and reprioritize your values and commitments. Warning: Be careful that you don't confuse what you deserve, which is what you work for, with a sense of entitlement, which is what you want but didn't work for.

        
3.
   
GET SPECIFIC
.
It is important to be specific about what you want and need. Failure to communicate what you need will add frustration and increase your timeline to gaining your success.

        
4.
   
DON'T ASSUME ANYTHING
.
People are not mind readers. I don't care how well you know someone: Never assume that they know what you want or need. Even if you think they “should” know, get crystal clear about your needs beforehand.

        
5.
   
COMMUNICATE YOUR VALUES
.
Be firm about what you will and will not stand for. The quickest route to frustration is a failure to communicate your value system. This can be challenging when you are in a place of real need. But don't be someone who can be easily bought. Don't compromise your standards.

        
6.
   
RECOGNIZE THAT “NO” IS
NOT
A REJECTION
.
The bank, your boss, and even your significant other will not always say yes. They may not be able to give you what you want. Do the best you can to see the situation from all sides and not just your own before you cut off a relationship, turn down an opportunity, or burn a bridge.

Your gift is waiting for you to fight for what you want. When you build a world that looks the way you want it to, you are giving your gift more room to grow. You have come too far now to talk a good game about what you want without asking for what you want. The worst thing that can happen is someone will say no. The best thing that can happen when you ask for what you want is . . . You Get What You Want and Need.

In your journal, list three things you want that you have never asked for.

Why did you not ask for these things?

Identify three people you should ask something of.

W
hen I was growing up in Cleveland, I was a boxer. I absolutely loved the sport as a child, and I still love it now. Any true boxing enthusiast can tell you about the Tale of the Tape, which is a prefight analysis that shows detailed measurements for each fighter. When you watch the Tale of the Tape on TV, the measurements typically include each boxer's age, weight, height, and arm reach. Back in the day, it also used to include biceps, chest, waist, thigh, neck, calf, and even ankle measurements. While you and I may not be able to do a whole lot with all those numbers, true fight analysts can identify strengths and weaknesses before a single punch is thrown.

One of the greatest fights in the history of boxing was the 1974 Rumble in the Jungle, between the undefeated heavyweight champion George Foreman and former heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali. The fight took place in Kinshasa, Zaire (now Democratic Republic of the Congo), and nearly all the experts predicted that the younger, stronger, more powerful champion would defeat the older, flamboyant, but weaker former champion.

Ali knew better than anyone what his strengths and weaknesses were. He knew he couldn't punch harder than Foreman, and he knew that his typical dancing around the ring was not going to have the same impact on Foreman as it had on previous fighters with different skills. Ali assessed his challenger's skills and looked at them next to his own. Using what he learned, he devised a strategy that he had never before tried. For the better part of eight rounds, Ali leaned back against the ropes, allowing Foreman to throw punches that took major effort but caused minimum damage. At other times Ali would get in close to Foreman, lean on him so that Foreman was holding Ali up, and take quick jabs to his face. By the eighth round, Foreman was weak from expending his energy throwing punches as well as from receiving Ali's jabs. Ali knocked Foreman out in that round and stunned many in the boxing world.

Ali was not the stronger fighter on that day. But he was the fighter who had done a better side-by-side assessment of skills. You have to take on this same mind-set as you are looking at new opportunities, new career moves, and even new relationships. Just like in boxing, what is a weakness against one fighter may be a strength against another. When you look at your list of skills, what are your potential advantages and disadvantages?