Authors: Stephanie Perry Moore
Act Like You Know (12 page)
I just wrapped my arms around her. “I've been there. I've felt that. I've been so angry at myself and at God. I didn't know what I was going to do. But you know what, Ambrosia? In those dark nights, in those times, He's sent people my way who have cared way more than I thought they could, and I didn't have any understanding as to why they would! They helped me get it together. Any time you don't think you deserve what you are going through, remember that Jesus was persecuted, and He did it all because He loves you. He loves you way more than for you to sell yourself out like this. You got to know, Ambrosia, that you are beautiful.”
She looked away. I could tell she was listening but didn't fully believe what I was saying.
“If a guy doesn't like you for you, that's his loss. Stay focused on turning your grades around because you want more for
you
. Remember, nobody can steal your joy. You can only give it away. Don't.”
you
. Remember, nobody can steal your joy. You can only give it away. Don't.”
When she began to cry and sink to the grass, taking in all my words, I realized I was hitting home with this young girl who thought she was unworthy. I didn't know mentoring could really affect someone so deeply. But because I was one hundred percent in it, I was ready to make a differenceâto help her find a way as I was starting to find mine.
“My teacher said we were supposed to be trying to use our vocabulary words in everyday situations and stuff,” Ambrosia said.
“Okay, great.”
“And I just really appreciate you, Alyx, making me believe I'm somebody,” she said as I helped her up and we walked to the car. “I'm going to get it together. I'm going to go home to my mom and tell her I love her. I'm going to keep working hard in school and forget the boys. Using one of our new words in a sentence: all you've said was really persuasive.”
13
BOMBARDED
“Y
'all, I really don't want to go to a party,” I said to Torian, Loni, and Malloy as we entered the set of our fraternity brothers, the Beta Pi Lambdas.
'all, I really don't want to go to a party,” I said to Torian, Loni, and Malloy as we entered the set of our fraternity brothers, the Beta Pi Lambdas.
“Come on now, Alyx,” Torian said as she put her arm around me. You've been down and studying really hard. Plus, after mentoring that hot-tail girl, you deserve a break. It's time to get our groove on.”
When she put it like that, I
had
been rather serious. Most of my life, I'd been the opposite, but now that I was finally in the mode to make every day count toward me reaching my dream, I just wasn't all into what had used to really excite me. The time to shake my butt was not now.
had
been rather serious. Most of my life, I'd been the opposite, but now that I was finally in the mode to make every day count toward me reaching my dream, I just wasn't all into what had used to really excite me. The time to shake my butt was not now.
“Plus, we got to do a lot of bonding,” Malloy said as she practiced the Beta Gamma Pi stroll before we entered the door.
“Thanks for coming, y'all,” Hayden announced to the four of us. She was helping her boyfriend, Creed, who was a Pi, work the door.
Hayden, Sharon, and a few other Betas were about to graduate in a couple months. As hard as it was to have real and lasting relationships in college, it appeared that whatever Hayden had with this guy was solid. He was really smiling and checking her out, all proud of his girl. That made me feel good; my soror deserved to be treated like a queen, and as mostly everybody was single in the chapter, their relationship was an inspiration to us all.
The basketball team had wonâwe were on a roll. And Loni and Ronnie looked like they were kicking it again. Malloy and Torian were in the middle of the dance floor with their line sisters doing a stroll. I didn't feel up to doing anything.
Malloy came and sat down beside me. “Okay, so what's really going on? Why you all somber and gloomy?”
“I don't know, I guess I've just really been thinking about my life lately. It's not that I'm not up for the partyâit looks like y'all are having a ball.”
“We could have a better time if you came and joined us.”
“No, I guess I'm just saying I know what's important for me right now, and if I'm not working toward whatever it is I want in this life, I'm wasting time.”
She just stared at me with a look that seemed proud, but I didn't really know what she was thinking, and I certainly didn't want to guess, so I said, “Whassup, what?”
“I'm just impressed. You know how awesome it is for you to say that, for you to feel that way? Wow, Alyx Cruz has grown up. But even the President of the United States has a ball every now and then. So come onâget up off your feet and let's groove tonight.”
I didn't have a choice. She yanked my arm, and the next thing I knew, I was doing a step, but I did it Texas style. Put a little something extra in it. I guess part of the old me just couldn't vanish. Before I knew it I had a crowd around me checking me out as I did my thing.
I did a Kappa Upsilon chant. “A Beta Gamma Pi girl in the house, don't you like it, don't you like itâI know you love it! A Beta Gamma Pi girl on the floor, don't you like it, don't you love itâlet me show you some more!”
The Pis started howling their wolf sound, and guys were pushing over each other trying to talk to me. I was content jamming alone, but men were all around me hovering.
“You want to dance?” this Greek in a red jacket with a cane in his hand said.
He was a pretty boyânice teeth, smooth skin, fly threadsâbut then he got shoved aside by a hard, fine, thick brother with gold boots. I wasn't for anybody trying to push their way up on me. I was getting shoved around, and it was not cool. It was just a dance. But brothers were seriously going at it over who would hang out with me. When I walked away from it all, I still had dudes all on my tail. I could hear them whispering behind me.
They spouted, “Dang, she's fine.” “I wish I could get with that.” “Look at them hips, man.” “Oooo-la-la, I wish she could teach me some Spanish.”
The comments were just a little overwhelming. All I wanted to do was hang out with my girls. I had used to like all that male attention, but that day had passed. So as not to be rude, I cut it off, thanked them all, told them I was tired, grabbed Malloy and TorianâLoni was already gone with her guyâand the three of us were out.
Â
Malloy was having a pajama party at our place. We'd come a long way from a chapter that had seemed so divided when I'd first joined them last summer. As much as I loved my sorority, I never forgot I lived with the National President's daughter. It was good to see people in my chapter also give respect and reverence to the office Malloy's mom held. There were about ten of us at the party. I say “about” because Loni was hanging out with Ronnie, though she was supposed to be showing up.
As soon as we chomped down on the pizza and wings, the phone rang. Malloy started talking and told everyone to gather around because her mom wanted to speak to us. We all rushed over beside her, nearly knocking her down. It was our sorority celebrity on the line.
“No need to treat me any differently, girls. I'm just your soror,” her mom said, hearing all the giggles. “And I understand big things are happening over there with Alpha chapterâsome bonding going on, some mentoring going on, some grades being pulled up, and you've been attending training. I just wanted to touch base with you guys and let you know I'm very, very proud you are taking this time seriously and trying to rebuild and get stronger so you can be back on campus and get the sorority ban lifted. I can't say when it will be lifted until it happens, but I will say you're on the right road to restoring your chapter's active status.”
We all screamed. We had been doing so well; really learning from the past woes of the chapter was bringing us closer. What a joy to know we were getting it right.
“I've been talking to your adviser, and of course Malloy keeps me updated. Keep pouring into one another. Keep lifting each other up. Keep being there for your sister. Only together are we the strongest. All right, have some fun tonight. Good, clean fun,” our President said as we laughed and said good-bye.
Malloy had rented two girlie movies. All eyes were glued to the tube. After we watched those, of course we started talking about guys.
With a demanding look, Torian said, “Malloy, you and Alyx need to give us some tips. Y'all got men.”
“I can't give you none. I don't have a man,” I said, trying to hide from even myself how much I felt for Cody.
Bea said, “Whatever, girl, you got one who's crazy about you.”
“Yeah, but come on,” Malloy said. “We all saw Alyx handle things at the party. Right? She can tell you guys what you want to know.”
“Tell us the secret!” Bea shouted out, moving closer to me.
“Yeah, can you give us any pointers?” said Dena, a Beta who was about to graduate. She admitted she had never had a serious relationshipâever.
I had to sit back in my chair and really think about what they were asking me because if I was truly honest and told them how I felt, I would upset everybody. However, they were doing lots of things wrong when it came to trying to land a man or two.
Malloy knew me. She nudged me. “Go ahead. They're askingâtell them. Give them the scoop.”
“All right, I'm not trying to hurt anybody's feelings, and I'm not at all saying I'm an expert, but there are certain things a girl should do when she's trying to attract a man.”
Dena said, “Act like she doesn't want to be with them?”
“Exactlyâcan't be too available. Every man wants mystery and intrigue, and when I watched you guys at the party, y'all were looking around, scoping out which ones you were going to go up to. Sometimes you got to ignore them. Have a good time on your own, and the next thing you know they'll be looking at you like, âDang, can we do something,' and you'll be looking at them like, âHmmm, I'm not sure,' and that just makes them want you more.”
“But that's what I was doing,” Torian said. “I was over with Malloy having a good time.”
“Well, that's the other extreme of it. It's great to be in a sorority and hang with your girls, but when you're looking for men, you can't be so clustered together all night that they feel intimidated to come talk to you and your crowd. I didn't get any guys wanting to hang out with me until I stepped away from y'all and danced all crazy and fun on my own. Then the hunks were able to get around me with no barriers. Nobody had to feel like they had to get through the gatekeepers or friends or sorors and stuff. Bottom line is: just be you. When you're a little interested, don't be closed off, but, dang, don't be all up in their face following them and stuff. Be warm and friendly but not aggressive and desperate. We're Betas, so we got it going on. Now we just need to act like we're the bomb, you know?”
They all nodded. We had a blast the rest of the night. And I did more individual counseling offline.
Â
Cody was giving me a ride to dinner after play practice. I knew I'd sort of been letting him down; I didn't really know my lines. As hard as I was trying to learn them, the memorization stuff just wasn't coming naturally to me. I'd have it for a little while, but the retention was the real problem.
To add to my issues, I heard all the whispers, people second-guessing Cody's decision to put me in the lead role. The ride he was giving me wasn't just a ride to dinner and then home. I knew it was lecture time.
Finally he said, “So, Alyx, this is your opportunity. Something I know you don't want to blow.”
Frustrated, I said, “What do you mean? How do you know I don't want to blow it? You're the one who thinks I have real talent at this. I never said I wanted to be an actress.”
“I guess I'm just saying, Alyx, that I don't even know if you're really giving it your whole heart. How can you find out if this is or isn't something you want to do if you're not taking it truly seriously? You don't even need me for tutoring anymore because you now have the fundamentals down on how to study, to dissect what the teachers are telling you in class, and to absolutely soar past the information needed and take in even more. You are blowing tests and papers and stuff out the water.”
We pulled over to a fast-food restaurant, and he turned off the car, looked at me, and said, “Before I get you something to eat, I just want to ask why you aren't giving me your all?”
His eyes were so serious and so mesmerizing. He'd been there for me in so many different ways. I didn't want to let him down, but for some reason I wasn't feeling this whole thing, and I couldn't explain it.
“You can get somebody else if you need to,” I said, really meaning it. “The last thing I want to do is hinder your play. When my cohort, Charles, says his lines, a part of me wants to laugh. I don't even believe him. If you call what he's doing good acting, then I don't know, itâit just doesn't seem authentic. His big lips, his big earsâhe's sort of droolingâhow'd he get the lead in the first place? I came in after that whole part, remember?”
“Okay, so you're saying the brother ain't handsome, not sharp enough, not debonair enough, right? Well, imagine somebody else standing there. Who do you think is fine?” Cody said in a husky, sexy voice and leaned in closer to me.
“I think you're fine,” I said to him as I moved nearer to the man who made my chest swell.
He smirked. “See, now you're playing with me.”
“What do you mean I'm playing with you? You asked me a question, and I answered it. I think you're fine.”
“So you're going to imagine me up there on the stage singing all those words in the love scene. When it's time to kiss him, you're going to pretend like you're kissing me? Can it feel like this?” he said as he bent forward and placed his smooth lips on mine.
My heart started racing as my mouth started moving. The physical connection of our touch made me hot. So hot that I abruptly pulled back.
“What are we doing? We can't go down this road again.”
“Why can't we? Why can't you be my girl? Why can't we have something real? Then you'd imagine I'm the one up there with you on that stage when it was time to act. Your part of it won't be an act. You can really show onstage how your heart beats for your guy. Me,” he said as he playfully hit his chest two times.
Oh, what he was saying sounded so tempting, to take our relationship to a level where he'd be there for me not as a tutor, not as a director, but as a man, as a boyfriend, as someone who deeply cared for me and had no problem letting the world know it. Though all that sounded fine and good, and a lot of my sorors would have killed to have a man ask them that, I had to say no. I opened the car door and got out.
He opened up his side, slammed it, and dashed in front of me. “Wait, wait, what do you mean, no? I'm feeling something here. I know I'm not making this up in my head. This is real, girl. Come on, Alyx. Why you pulling away?”
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