Advice by Clyde

By Amber Lynn

Smashwords Edition

Copyright © 2013 Amber
Lynn

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Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free ebook. Although
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please encourage your friends to download their own copy at
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This book is a work of fiction and any
resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or
locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of
the author’s imagination and used fictitiously.

Warning: This book is the musings of a
Hellhound. Don't believe a word of anything he says and please
don't follow his advice.

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Preface

A little note before we begin

This novelette takes place in between the
books Night Lurks and Night Finds in the Nyx Slaughter series.
Reading it may reveal a few things you would not know if you
haven't read up to Night Lurks, but I don't think it will ruin
everything for you. It includes or mentions most of the characters
from the books and hints about at least two key events.

It is told from one of the
favorite characters in the series, Clyde. Clyde is, for the lack of
better terminology, a lovable Hellhound that seems to relish in
getting in trouble. His language has been known to be questionable
and I don't recommend his eating habits at all.

To help make sense of who the characters
are, here are some quick, generic descriptions:

Nyx is the usual main character in the
series. She is snarky and can often be found polishing her
weapons.

Sebastian is a vampire that has been friends
with Nyx for a while and has developed a special bond with her.

Alex is a werewolf that started out as a
giant headache, but Nyx has grown to love the jerk.

Ben is a demon. Do I really need to say
more?

Marcus, Smitty, Will, and Dante are personal
guards that Sebastian assigned to Nyx. They are all vampires.

Jonas, Jake, and Walt are also personal
guards, but were assigned by Alex. Can you guess what species they
are?

Sam and Phee are wounded werewolves that
have fallen under the others' wings.

I think that is all the usual troublemakers.
I have already described Clyde a little and if you read on, you are
going to learn more than you ever wanted to about what makes the
Hellhound tick.

Hopefully, that is the path you choose. If
so, enjoy.

Chapter 1

A star was born

I hear backstories are things people like to
read, but before we get into any of that, I need to set a few
ground rules. Some of you will probably already know who I am, if
you are smart you will anyway. My name is Clyde, my species is
Hellhound, and I tend to believe I am amazing.

That is why I think you need to read about
my life. I am a busy Hellhound, so don't expect me to write a long
memoir about my relatively short life. I am saving the good details
for the blockbuster movie coming out next spring. I am hoping they
don’t mind me playing myself because I haven’t been able to find
another canine as good looking as yours truly.

On that subject, another thing you should
know going into this is I am a distant, like next galaxy distant,
relative of the human companion species that looks relatively like
me. That means that I don't necessarily think like a humanoid and
you may find some of the things I say to be offensive.

My response to any complaints? Tough
titties.

With those little facts out of the way, I am
ready to tell you a bit more about myself.

Last I checked I am still under one-year-old
and the size of a small pony. I have only ever seen a full-size
horse in person, but after looking at the dimensions online, I
think I could be compared to a Shetland pony.

My parents are, obviously, both Hellhounds.
My mom's name is Pepa and last I knew she had grown her second
head. Dad, also known as Hermes, is a stud and has all three of his
heads. I still have a number of years before I can even dream about
getting my second, but I do neck exercises daily to prepare. I have
been told the added weight can be a little daunting at first.

My first owner, Ben the Amazing, as I like
to call him, decided to gift me to the woman he was hoping to make
annoying children with. I wasn't sure if I liked the idea of going
home with her, she smelled a little too floral for my liking when
we first met. However, I learned that she was a sucker early on and
now I am living the good life. As long as I don't tell her she
smells like lilacs, I think she will let me keep my balls.

Nyx is a mom that likes to think she is in
charge of everything, but let's face it, she has so many people
around her vying for her affections that she is being guided in
most of her decisions. I don't mind and I refuse to voice my
concerns on the subject, since more often than not it works out in
my favor.

Anyway, I live with her and her entourage
now and life couldn't be more perfect. I have even managed to make
a career for myself, although, I don't get paid for it, yet. See, I
am a quick study and it only took me a few times watching over
shoulders to figure out how to use the Internet.

I have to say the Internet is one of the
best things ever created besides maybe the cow. I have spent hours,
okay maybe days, on search engines and I have to say that I am
pretty close to knowing everything there is to know.

I decided to take that knowledge and create
my own webpage offering advice for others. I know, it is a
brilliant idea and everyone reading this has flocked to their
closest computer or smart phone to search me out. I will sit around
and wait for you to come back. Oh, you just made a note to check it
out later? Great, let's continue on about me.

I do most of my advice giving from the
comforts of my room, so the humanoids don't question why I am
spending so much time at the computer. So far, other than noticing
a few purchases none of them made for me, they haven't figured it
out. They tend to be rather clueless when it comes to my
deviousness. I don’t understand why that is. I mean I am a
Hellhound; it kind of comes with the territory.

The website has been doing pretty good so
far. I have received over fifty letters from hopeless saps out
there wanting to find help. Traffic looks to be going up every hour
as word gets out about my amazing advice giving skills. Before
long, I will have to be looking for some bigger servers to host my
greatness.

You aren’t getting upset about me talking
about myself like I am a super being, are you? You should probably
stop reading now if that kind of thing bothers you because it is
only going to get worse as we go along.

Moving on, I started things off by just
reading those columns that are normally in the paper and posting
the daily questions with my answers. Yes, I know it is odd to find
that a Hellhound is capable of reading a newspaper, but if you got
over the fact that I can use the Internet, that shouldn’t be a
stumbling block.

I have found it a little odd that my answers
to the letters never matches those Dear So and So people, but I
chalk that up to them not knowing what is really going on in the
world. I like to think I am a cultured Hellhound and my advice is
something the normal humanoid can take and implement with ease.

Take my first response as an example, here
is what someone wrote:

Dear ____,

We recently moved into our house and the
next door neighbors are starting to drive us insane. They were
close to the previous owners and according to the neighbors those
owners allowed them to come over and sit on the patio whenever they
wanted. I have walked out a couple of times to enjoy the sunset in
peace and found them both eating dinner on my patio. We have asked
them to stop and they have just smiled and nodded, but they
continue to show up unexpectantly. I don’t want to be the mean
neighbor that calls the cops on them for trespassing, but it is
getting to the point that I think it may be necessary.

What can I do?

Frustrated in Milwaukee

I won’t say who the letter was addressed to,
but they gave some silly advice that I doubt will get things done.
It is people like these neighbors that you really have to show who
is boss or they will just walk all over you.

This was my response:

Dear Frustrated,

Are you an idiot? I mean, really, how hard
is it to put your foot down? I have a couple of different ideas
that you would be smart to follow.

First, if you don’t want people showing up
unexpectantly you need to mark your territory. Walk around your
property and mark it like you own it. It is always best to do this
when the wind is blowing in their direction to make sure they can
get a good whiff, so plan accordingly. That alone has always been
enough for me, but if they have had their senses of smell removed,
read on.

My second method of getting rid of the
weirdoes has to do with the city you claim to be living in. I did a
search and found your town has the nickname of Beer Town, amongst
other beer and brew names. If your town is known for beer there
should be tons of empty cans littering the streets. This idea
should not only work, but also be great for the environment. Go
around and gather these empty cans and build yourself a wall out of
them. Problem solved. You could even paint them if you wanted it to
be a decorative wall.

Other quick solutions would be: get a fence
and a big lock for said fence or move your ass to a different
neighborhood because this one ain’t for you. I would recommend
killing them and burying their bodies in their backyard, but since
you had to write for advice in the first place, I bet you are too
big of a pansy to carry that one out.

Clyde

I posted that response a month or so ago and
daily since then I have either answered other newspaper questions
or ones that are now being sent to me personally. The range of
comments I receive go from people wanting me to come live with them
and help with their problems to those who are trying to convince me
to go to church and save myself.

Note to the latter group of people: I am a
Hellhound, you have to be completely crazy to think me walking into
a church is going to go over well. I have a few angel friends I can
send in my place though. I bet that would make your church really
popular.

So, I am getting around twenty requests for
help a day now and I try to post and respond to each of them on my
site. These people really need my help, so it would be practically
criminal for me not to assist. Take this email for instance...

“Clyde, Nyx wants to see you pronto,” my
friend Jake yells while he pounds on my door. That figures they
won't give me a few hours to write this important stuff down.

I am just happy I learned how to lock the
doors and convinced them that a Hellhound door was needed. Now,
they can't just come barging in whenever they feel like it. We had
a few awkward moments before the lock was put in place.

Without Nyx around, Jake won't be able to
hear any reply I could attempt to give him, so I jump out of my
chair and push through my door. In case you are wondering, I wrote
this next part when I got back to my computer. I wanted to give you
all an idea of what I have to put up with every day. A visit with
Nyx is something that needs to be experienced like it is happening
while you are reading, so we are going to continue in the present
tense even though it happened a while ago. Maybe now you'll be able
to see why I sometimes consider moving in with those people asking
me for advice.

Chapter 2

Punishment is a very long four-letter
word

On our way to wherever Nyx is currently
hiding in this huge apartment, Jake talks nonstop. Sometimes I am
pretty sure he forgets I cannot say anything back to him. I have
asked Mom to look into that, but she for some reason keeps
developing deafness when I ask for a spell that makes everyone hear
me.

“So, me and Jonas were sparring yesterday
and I think I finally spotted his weakness. I haven't been able to
beat him, yet, but I saw he leaves an opening on his body when he
goes for a left hook. If I can just be fast enough to get in there,
I think I will finally have an advantage.”

I don't care if he saw the broadside of a
barn open up on Jonas, the boy isn't going to ever beat the
superior fighter. Maybe in thirty years when Jake is closer to his
prime and Jonas may be coming off of his, but even then it probably
won't happen.