Advice by Clyde (5 page)

Should I tell him to dig a little deeper?
There should be a handful in the pile. I borrowed them from Mom's
collection because she didn't seem to be using them. I am not
really sure what purpose I thought they would serve in my room. If
they can help me lighten my load of crap, I am not above wearing
them so Jake can snap some pictures.

I walk over and dig around in the pile until
I find a blonde wig. If the yellow lab I started following on
social network sites the other day can pull off the color, so can
I. Yes, I am aware that a human is posting pretending to be the
dog.

“You are really going to let me test these
products on you?” Jake grabs a few more hair product boxes. They
were half off and I can't pass up deals like that.

I nod and then jump up on my computer chair
so he can play hairstylist. Obviously, I am secure in the size of
my man berries. Getting a little girlie isn't going to change that.
Jake knowing exactly how to use each of the products without
reading the directions does worry me a little bit.

The hair products only take a few minutes to
get through, so we move on to the special pillows, knife
sharpeners, and exercise equipment. Oddly enough everything went
into one of those categories. Well, all of the stuff I am willing
to part with. The kitchen gadgets and appliances are still all
mine.

We load the leftovers into the box Jake
constructed and label it my room. This packing process has given me
a bunch to do, so finding Nyx and checking her emails for
adventures has found a compartment in the back of my brain.

Now, I just need to get Jake to leave in
order to start posting all of this stuff on my site. I have a few
options, but I go with the one sure to clear a room. A handy
feature that I believe most Hellhounds come equipped with is gas on
command. Burping or farting both smell pretty bad to the humanoids,
so I inhale a big gulp of air and let out a belch that would remove
the hair off most men's chests.

I know; it is a talent. It has the desired
result though and Jake quickly exits stage right. He didn't even
bother to say good-bye. I will have to remember that secret weapon
if we ever make it to a real battle.

Chapter 7

That's all you need to know

The sun is starting to get higher in the
sky, so I don't have much time before bedtime. I want to get these
items posted for sale and maybe answer one more letter before I
call it a day. I made sure Jake downloaded the pics from his phone
before I ran him off. I start looking through the images and I have
to say, me in a wig is kind of hot. Even when purple and pink
streaks are added.

I pick my favorite picture of each product
and then make a page for each, put twenty bucks as the price on
everything, and call it good. Everyone on the site knows how to get
in touch with me, so I don't see a point in listing contact
details.

If everything goes as planned, the fifty
items will be gone by morning. Since Jake helped me with the plan,
I hope he knows he is going to be shipping everything for me.

Moving on from the closet cleanup, it
wouldn't be fair if I didn't touch on the one thing I am asked
about most often. People like to ask whether I am sad that there
are no other Hellhounds around to keep me company. I have a pretty
large family here with Nyx, and Ben is nice enough to bring me news
from my parents, but yes sometimes I miss not seeing others that
look like me.

It is during those melancholy periods that
you can find me talking to myself in a mirror. I am a great
conversationalist even if I am saddled with holding up both sides
of the conversation. After fifteen minutes, or so, I have my fix of
Hellhound interaction and I usually feel a lot better about myself
since mirror Clyde thinks I am amazing.

I am starting to be bored by this writing my
own book deal. It sounded like fun in the beginning, but like I
said, the good stuff is all being saved up for the movie and I just
revealed I talk to myself in the mirror. I will answer one last
email for you, since I figure that is why you are sticking around
anyway.

I just hope someone has left me a decent
question in the inbox. If not, you are just out of luck. Let's see.
Out of the twenty new emails I am sure at least one of them has
something fun to answer.

Sorry, the first five are not even worth
mentioning. The sixth one shows some promise though. I am surprised
I have not been asked this sort of thing before and it is well
worth a response.

Here is the original email:

Dear Clyde,

Thank you so much for all the great advice
you dish out on a daily basis. My needs are a little different from
what I have read on the site before, so hopefully you will pick my
letter to respond to. I have a male dog, and yes I know you are a
species all your own, but I thought you could give me some advice.
“Bart” loves to pee on everything in the house. I have tried
everything and I cannot get him to stop. He goes outside at least
four times a day, but he still comes in and tinkles on the
furniture, walls, carpet, pillows, etc.

What can I do to stop this behavior?

Urine covered in Dallas

First, I cannot believe she wrote urine
covered. She didn't mention herself in the list of things her dog
pees on, but I do wonder if that is the case. I am not sure what
she was expecting as my response, but I highly doubt I am going to
give her what she wants to hear. I'll just have to do my best.

Dear Urine,

This is an issue near in dear to my heart. I
live in a house full of male werewolves and being canine-ish myself
gives me a lot of unlearnable knowledge in this situation.

To begin, I suggest investing in a nice rain
suit, nose plugs, and a lot of plastic wrap. That should keep you
mostly dry and wrapping everything in the plastic will allow for
easy cleanup. Chances are “Bart” is never going to grow out of this
peeing thing.

I haven't, but I am smarter about hiding my
marking it sounds like. If I was able to communicate with your dog,
I could advise him that marking behind the furniture and under the
bed is usually the best way to keep from getting caught.

It makes a dog feel more secure if he can
smell himself in his home. I have to guess “Bart” isn't really sure
about you and is trying to make the place more comfortable for him.
Maybe some extra treats at supper time will help him feel better
about things. You have to be careful about the amount of treats,
though. If he isn't secure living with you, he may think you are
fattening him up for dinner and that will just make things
worse.

Try to take things slow and give him some
extra attention. You may be amazed at what good that will do.

Clyde

I am trying not to laugh too hard. I was
just working on getting the dog pampered. There is no way he is
going to stop the habit. Like I said, I still find out of the way
places to mark as my own. I know in this place the furniture is off
limits, but there are a few weights in the gym that I was finally
able to call my own, among other items.

I promised one last letter, so I guess this
is it for your visit into my world. I hope you found the trip well
worth the price of admission. Being a Hellhound isn't all that
different from being a human, if you are a fast learner. I mean, I
am able to breathe fire and turn werewolves into humanoids, but
basically we are the same.

This is Clyde signing off. Make sure to
check out the books about my mom. I hear there are seven of them
now and I am featured in over half of them, so they have to be
amazing.

THE END