Advice by Clyde (4 page)

That is going to happen right after I grow
some big golden wings and fit a nice halo on my head. In other
words, never. It is going to be a very long next month or so. If
Nyx can’t find a more worthy opponent until then, we are all
screwed.

“Can’t your angel friend hook you up with a
way to still get your regular workouts in? Angels have to be good
for something, right?” Being born in Hell makes me doubt the
angels’ capability to get their heads out of their butts, but you
never know.

“I will deal with my aggression without
assistance from Upstairs. It would be a lot easier if people
learned to not be idiots around me. I have come to realize that is
an impossible task. Is there a reason you decided to come find
me?”

“I'm looking for something to do and I
thought you might have some ideas.” Yes, I am being a giant kiss
ass.

“You could give yourself a bath. The guys
say you are starting to really stink.” I was prepared for her
helpful suggestion and I am trying to bite my tongue. I am sure by
the end of this conversation I will have a nice hole in it. Maybe I
should think about just getting it pierced.

“I was hoping you would come up with
something a little more exhilarating. Unless you are going to let
me use the jet tub in the master bath.”

“I wouldn't mind using that tub, too,” Phee
whimpers lifting her head off the ground an inch. Get the girl her
Academy Award.

“No. It is going to be occupied by me, so
find your own. This has to be the first time you have sought
direction from me. I should have had a list ready for a moment like
this, but I am coming up blank. We can check my email and see if
there are any cases that will pass the annoying inspection.”

It isn't the time to bring up the idea of
plotting Alex and Sebastian's demise, so I will go along with her
idea. I have a feeling she is just as bored as I am. I could go
watch some television or something, but she doesn't get into that
and we need to spend some quality time together.

I hope the pipsqueak doesn’t want to
tagalong. It is Clyde/Nyx time and she isn’t welcome. Phee has this
need to hear herself talk that makes most of the people around her
want to shove her into a trash compactor. Judging by her size, it
has been done a couple of times already.

“If there is actually something for us to
do, how many guards do you think we can lose? Are you still
required to have all of them when you leave the penthouse?” I can
attest to it being a pain in the ass to have to go out with all of
the guys. Chances of getting away with anything are about
zilch.

“Four are required and I have a feeling more
will follow just for the heck of it. I have mentioned a few times
that I am not fragile and they don’t believe me at all,” Nyx says
as she walks over and gives me a nice little rub behind the ears.
Good. My evil plan of getting back on her good side is working.

“You guys go right ahead and just leave me
here. I’ll call Sam and have him carry me back to our place,” Phee
says still working on that acting award. She is a werewolf and
there is no way it takes that long for her to recover from a little
fighting.

“Phee, get off your butt and walk out of
here like a woman. I won’t have you giving the guys ideas that our
gender is somehow inferior. I can wipe the mats with most of them
and they still act like I am a piece of glass.” Nyx is using her
drill sergeant voice that is sure to get the dead moving.

Phee quickly stands up and salutes her
superior. “Yes, Ma’am. What are my orders?”

“I already gave them and I won’t repeat
myself, so get going.” Phee doesn’t need to be told again and
finally goes to shower. It isn’t a moment too soon because she is
smelling extremely ripe. Hopefully the air in the hallways is
blowing the opposite way as she finds her way home.

“Do you need to take that bath before we
check the emails?” I ask ready to go.

“I can’t smell any better than Phee did, so
it is for the best. I don’t want to get a funk into my chair and
not be able to get it out. I really like that chair and would hate
to have to shop for a new one to take its place.”

Inanimate objects do seem to mean a lot to
her. I expect she has named the dang chair as she has all of her
weapons. I once heard her talking to a set of her knives. It was
extremely creepy.

“I will have to leave you to that bath then.
Either Alex or Sebastian will probably want to watch to make sure
you don’t drown and I don’t want to be anywhere near you guys when
the mood strikes.” This means I have to find something else to do
for the next thirty minutes. At least Mom doesn’t take long girlie
baths like Phee is probably already in the process of doing.

“In my current condition, you think I am
going to let either of them within a mile of me naked? My bathroom
door is locking the second both of my feet are on the other side of
the door. Do you think you can go find Sebastian and ask him to fix
me a plate of bacon? I need some protein after my workout.” Without
letting me explain how silly her idea sounds, she leaves me
standing staring after her.

Why does everyone keep forgetting that I
cannot deliver messages? The fact that it is to the person I hate
the most, only makes it worse. I had been doing such a good job of
not seeing Sebastian at all today.

The dork is probably hanging out in his
secret library. If he isn’t with Nyx, he is with his books, or
running his sex house downtown. I think he has handed most of his
responsibilities there over to someone else though. His brain has
totally been rotted away with the prospect of babies and he doesn’t
like to be far from Nyx. Within the week, I predict he will have a
leash on her so she cannot be out of his sight.

That is not going to help Nyx’s mood
improve. I seldom wish for it, but being able to tell Sebastian to
calm down without Nyx knowing would come in handy. Opening up that
flood gate would make the tensions between me and him open like the
Grand Canyon. Neither one of us would be able to keep our tongues
under control and even though he likes that I am added protection
for Nyx, he hates me just as much as I do him.

I have moved on from the gym and the library
door looms in front of me. Most rooms in the place have been made
Clyde accessible. This is not one of them. I think Sebastian will
meet his death before he lets me just roam around and see if any of
his books need to be yellowed with my special sauce.

I can hear him turning pages on the other
side of the door, so I know he is in there. I am sure he knows I am
standing out here and he isn’t going to make things easy on me.
That’s fine. I stand back a little bit and let out one of my
patented fire barks. Who said fire breathing was only for
dragons?

“Clyde you are an idiot,” Sebastian says as
he opens the door. “Do you know how much it cost me to fireproof
this house after you moved in?”

I did mention he likes to take away all of
my fun, didn’t I? The whole house has basically been painted in
crap that won’t catch on fire. I accidently caught some curtains on
fire in my youth and no one is able to forget the incident.

One of these days I should learn Morse code
so I can tap out messages to the humanoids. I have read about it
online, but I am being lazy. Plus, it is sometimes fun to hear what
others think I want.

“I don’t know why she sent you. I know she
wants bacon and I can make that without any extra slobber added,”
he says as he shuts the door and heads off to the kitchen.

What a jerk. I guess I am on my own. Let’s
see what kind of trouble I can get in.

Chapter 6

I am a sucker for a sale

I have mentioned that there isn’t a ton for
a Hellhound to do in this apartment. That is one of the reasons
moving to the new place is going to be amazing. Alex was cool
enough to give me a tour and the fact that it has grass was all it
needed to sell me on the idea. Nyx is going to be a little bit
harder to convince more space is good, but she will come
around.

Since I have a few minutes of spare time, I
might as well find a box and start packing for the move. In my
short time here, I have accumulated a lot of items. That is
probably the only problem with me learning how to buy things for
myself. There are some things I find online that I just can’t say
no to. Maybe now would be a good time to clean out the closet.

The first thing I need to do is find a box
big enough for the junk. I am not really sure how I fit everything
in my closet, so finding a large crate or making multiple trips
appears to be the order of the day. I have seen some big boxes that
the others were using and one of those will be a good start. I just
need to find Jake and convince him that he wants to help me.

Chances are after his babysitting stint he
wanted to rot his brain and play video games. He tends to do that a
lot, but he hasn’t really found anyone to partake in the activity.
Sam and Phee are young enough that they sometimes can be convinced
that it is fun, but Phee prefers to just watch television and keep
up on the important human news.

She really is the odd duck in our group. The
rest of us live in a world totally separate from the humans. I take
that back. Will still has some ties, but he acts like a normal
person about it. Eventually those ties will all die and he will be
just like the rest of us.

If I can’t find Jake, I will search the
vampire out for assistance. Either one of them might be willing to
take some of the junk off of my hands. I make my way to Jake’s room
where I am sure to find him. He is on duty until Nyx drops for the
day. I doubt he will be sleeping on the job, but I don’t want to
chance walking in on him watching some porn and rubbing his
salami.

Listen, it only happened once and my mind
couldn’t believe what it was seeing. After that day, he started
hanging a holster on the door knob to let me know to come back
later. Even when there isn’t a holster, I still knock rather than
using the Hellhound door he was cool enough to install.

“You can come in, Clyde. My hands are on the
controller and out of my pants,” he hollers and then swears at what
I am hoping is his game.

I push my nose through the door to look
around and verify that he isn’t just trying to scar me for life.
The coast looks clear and I enter the room. I am happy to see a
moving box sitting in the middle of the floor, which will make my
mime act a whole lot easier.

“Are you hiding out from your master or are
you looking for something to do?” Jake asks pausing his game.

He is even looking at me; this is going to
be a piece of cake. I walk over and bump my head on the box.
Getting closer to it is a bad idea because it smells like something
died in there, but I don’t have a choice. He must have put some old
gym socks in there that he has neglected to wash in the last
decade. Angel farts smell better than that.

“I wouldn’t try to hide from Nyx in that
box. The smell might help hide your usual stink, but she would
still find you.”

I am surprised he realizes it smells. I
wouldn’t bother packing something that reeked like that even if it
was worth a million dollars. The lid on the box is closed, so I
can’t take a gander at what is inside.

I hit the box again while trying to imagine
a plate full of steaks and how good it would smell. It helps a
little.

“Got it. You want your own. I can help you
with that,” he says springing up from the couch. “I have seen your
closet, but I don’t think we have a single box that will hold it
all. Let’s see what we can find.” He opens the door and looks out
like he is making sure no one sees him leaving.

Satisfied the coast is clear, he waves for
me to follow and then heads down the hall to the right. He is in
secret agent mode and it is hilarious to watch. With the move being
a secret from Nyx, I am guessing that is who he is trying to avoid.
It would be really fun if I could speak and pretend to be her. I
bet he would run to the closest room and hide.

He stops in front of the door that leads to
the guards’ TV room. If you were hiding something from Mom, this
would be the room most secure. He opens the door and quickly runs
in, grabs a box, and then runs back out.

“This is the biggest one I would be seen
walking around the house with Nyx home.”

The box is in its flat form and he has a
roll of packing tape around his wrist. How does he expect to
explain that one to Nyx, new fashion accessory? She might actually
buy that.

We make our way back to my room and have no
problem doing it in peace. When we get there, I wait for Jake to
open the closet door with a giant grin on my face. There is a
reason I don’t open that door.

Weird things just start falling and burying
the guy. He is pretty quick though and it only takes him a second
to jump off to the side out of the way of danger.

“Who helped you pack everything in there? I
helped with some, but it wasn’t that bad.” Jake is stuck staring at
the pile. I am waiting for his eyes to focus on individual items
and the tirade of questions to start.

As far as stuffing the closet goes, that was
all me. I got a large shipment one day and just put everything in
there and then closed the door.

“Why do you need a hair accessory that makes
a perfect bun?” he asks holding up a box. “I doubt the hair chalk
is going to do you a lot of good either.”

Maybe I was saving those for birthday gifts.
I wasn't, but it sounds like a good idea now. Phee would go nuts
over them.

“You really need to sell this to your advice
column fans. You have so many of them that they might actually want
all this crap. To make it worth more, you should probably use the
stuff though. I am not sure that is even possible with most of
these things. The only way you are giving yourself a bun is if you
get a wig.”