Afraid to Fly (Fearless #2) (33 page)

“Carry her to the car. I’ll stay in the back with her to make sure she’s okay. Angel, if you can, grab me some clean towels and some gloves from the kitchen.”

He reiterated everything I said to the doctor on the phone, telling her we’d be there in ten minutes. I was just praying that this baby would hold on until then. I had studied this stuff, and observed, but I had never actually delivered a baby.

“Here, take my car. It’s faster,” CJ insisted, who oddly enough seemed just as somber. “I’ll ride over with Angel and the little guy.”

Shit. Toby.

I only had a second to turn to him to ask him if he was okay. He shook his head furiously, gesturing me to go.

“Okay, Blaine. Can you get her to the car?”

Before I even got the question out, he gingerly lifted Kami into his arms like she weighed next to nothing. CJ jogged to the door and held it open for us. Then he did the same with the backseat of his car.

“Here are the towels and gloves!” Angel exclaimed, running to catch us. She kissed Kami on the face and promised to be right behind us.

I thanked her and climbed into the back with Kami. “Ok, Blaine, keep the doctor on the line and put her on speakerphone.”

He did as I ordered, and within seconds, we were peeling out of the parking lot.

“Doctor, I’m Raven West, and I’m a CNA. I have your patient here who has been having mild contractions throughout the day, and has experienced PPROM at 34 weeks gestation less than five minutes ago. No meconium present that I could see, however there is some blood.”

The doctor asked us both questions. How far apart are the contractions? About five minutes apart. On a scale from 1–10, how bad do they hurt? A 7. Maybe an 8. Any loss of mucous? Not that we could see.

“Ok, Raven, I’m going to need you to check her. Can you do that?”

I was already spreading out the towels and pulling the latex gloves on my hands. “I can.”

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a beat. I could do this. I had to. When I reopened them, Kami was smiling at me, her lips tight as she tensed with the next contraction. “I trust you, Raven. You’ve got this. Don’t be afraid.”

I nodded, accepting her words of encouragement. She was right; I had this. Kami and Blaine had been good to me . . . had been good to Toby. I wouldn’t let them down.

“Just breathe, Kami,” I said softly as I measured her cervix. “Take deep breaths.”

“You’re doing great, baby,” Blaine said from the driver’s seat. “Almost there.”

“Doctor, we’re looking at five centimeters dilated,” I called out. “And about 20% effaced.”

“Ok, I’ve got my team waiting at the emergency entrance, prepped and ready to go. What’s your ETA?”

“Less than two minutes,” Blaine answered.

“Ok, good. We’ll be waiting.”

The second we pulled up to the hospital, we were cast into a whirlwind of commotion. Kami was wheeled to L & D, with Blaine right beside her. I offered to park the car and meet him in there, giving me a chance to reevaluate the last twenty minutes. Everything happened so fast. If Kami hadn’t gone into labor, I could’ve gone after Dom. But would I? None of what happened to him was his fault, but I couldn’t deny that it left me with a lot of uncomfortable questions.

Who was Dominic Trevino?

Many years ago, I thought I knew, only to find out that I was wrong. And now, it was happening again. Having a tainted past wasn’t a deal breaker, but being gay and not telling me? Yeah. It was. And was he, in fact, at risk of becoming like his uncle? Was he already having urges?

God, what had I gotten us into?

“Oh, thank God!” Angel exclaimed when she saw me walking from the parking lot. Toby and CJ stood beside her, just as anxious. “How is she?”

“She’s good. In good spirits. Shouldn’t be long now.” I turned to Angel, hoping she would detect the message in my words without alerting Toby. “Have you spoken to him?”

She shook her head. “He’s not answering. I don’t know what to do. He’s hurting right now, but asking him for answers may not be wise right now.”

“So . . . you knew? About him?”

“Yes,” she nodded. “At least about the parts that were actually true. Just wait until you speak with him before you judge him, okay?”

She was right. I couldn’t make any snap judgments. Not until I spoke with him. What had happened to him was not his fault. He needed compassion and understanding right now. Not accusations.

I pulled out my phone and sent him a text, telling him where we were and what had happened. I hoped he knew how much he was wanted—needed—by the people who loved him, myself included. He would hate himself if he missed this, probably more than he already was right now.

Being a CNA had its perks, so I was able to get us back into the delivery ward. CJ stayed in the waiting room with Toby, while Angel and I quietly crept inside Kami’s room. After I identified myself, the doctor nodded in my direction and thanked me for my help.

“You’re doing great, Kami,” she said while examining her. The nurses around her were hurriedly getting her hooked up to monitors and an IV. “Deep breaths.”

After her exam, and some observation of the baby’s vitals, the doctor turned to her team and instructed them to prep. I knew what was coming and quickly told Angel to step aside.

“Kami, we’re going to have to prep you for an emergency C-section. The baby is in distress, but don’t worry. Everything will be fine.”

“What? What’s wrong?” Kami grasped Blaine’s hand even tighter, frantically looking between him and the doctor.

“Nothing for right now, but we have to move quickly.”

A nurse ushered Blaine away to change while the rest of the team moved into action. Angel and I could only step aside and let them do their jobs.

“Is she going to be okay?” she whispered after Kami was wheeled down towards the OR. I felt her hand search for mine between us. She was scared and needed physical comfort, and while that really wasn’t my thing, I laced my fingers with hers.

“Of course, she will. She’ll be fine.”

“Because . . . I can’t lose her. Dom is . . . and now her . . . I can’t lose them both.”

I wanted to ask her what she meant about Dom. What was he? He wouldn’t actually
leave
would he? Not without saying goodbye, right?

Panic rose inside of me, and the need to see him grew more urgent. He couldn’t disappear. He had to get through this, if not for me, then for Kami and Angel. They needed him. They loved him. And he needed to stick around for Toby. That kid admired the hell out of him, and Dom had been the only one to break through to him.

“Come on. Let’s go wait out here,” I said to Angel, leading her towards the waiting room.

I needed to try one more time. I needed to believe that all hope was not lost. Not when I had just finally found it.

I
HAD ALREADY BOOKED
a one-way ticket to Nowhere when I got the text from Angel.

Kami’s in labor. Emergency C-Section. You need to be here.

That was just one of many, but it was the only one that made me pause. Kam was in surgery? What had happened? She wasn’t due for weeks. Was the baby all right?

No. I couldn’t let myself care. Not anymore. Caring had only brought me pain and humiliation. Loving had only labeled me a monster.

What if Amanda was right? It was true—most pedophiles were victims of sexual abuse. And what happened between Matthew and me when I was a kid . . . it only further proved that I was a sexual deviant. I knew what I was doing then, and I knew that I didn’t like it, but the need to be loved had been so overwhelming that it eclipsed my judgment. Maybe I was a fake and a fraud. Maybe I was doing Raven a disservice by being with her. I didn’t want to embarrass her more than I already had.

I called the airline and had them hold my ticket. I had to say goodbye to Kami and Angel. They deserved that much. Then I would say goodbye to Toby and Raven, and exit their lives for good.

Another text came in, and while I had been able to thwart the others, this one caught my eye.

Please talk to me. I’m here for you. Don’t shut us out.

Us?
Us?

Didn’t she see I was doing this for them? To save her and Toby from having to endure more pain?

I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t allow myself to give a damn about how they felt. I powered down my phone and locked the door to my room. I’d stay long enough to see that Kami had made it through surgery all right, but then I was gone. For good.

It had to have been close to midnight when the pounding started. I heard voices, both male and female, telling me to unlock the door. I wished they’d stop worrying about me. I wished they’d go away altogether. Just give up on me already.

I grabbed my remote and clicked on the TV, turning up the volume as high as it would go.

There. I didn’t off myself.

That seemed to appease them.

The next round of knocks came early in the morning, but it was only Angel this time.

“Please Dom . . .” the small, muffled voice said from the other side of the door. “Please don’t do this.”

I could hear her sink down to the hardwood, could see her shadow underneath the door. She sat there for a long time, waiting, sometimes crying. Thankfully she gave up around noon and left. Good. She was one step closer to letting go.

I slept so I wouldn’t think. And when I couldn’t stand to close my eyes, I drank, courtesy of the stash I kept in my closet for whenever I had company (Angel got sick of me walking to the kitchen ass naked for booze). And when that wasn’t even enough, I dipped into my stash of antidepressants that were probably long expired but still did the trick. I didn’t want to feel anymore, and the one thing that got me out of my head was a no-go. I couldn’t fathom going through the motions for some random, faceless chick. I didn’t want to see anyone. I couldn’t even look at my own damn reflection.

I flipped on the news after my haze of dejection had lifted. It was Wednesday morning. I had buried my head in the sand for two days. I needed news about Kami—that was the only reason I had stuck around. Then I needed to make a move to get the fuck outta here.

“Dom? You awake?” It was Angel again. She must’ve been listening at my door. “Come on, open up.”

I didn’t say a word. I just went over and unlocked the door. She stepped inside and quickly covered her nose, trying to stifle the offending odor of booze, sweat and tears.

“Dude, what the fuck? We’ve been worried sick about you.” She spied the empty bottle of liquor and pills. “Are you okay?”

I flopped onto the bed, my entire body still sore with fatigue. “Peachy-fucking-keen. What do you want?”

“Kam had the baby.”

“Are they okay?”

“They’re fine. Healthy. She wants to see you. She’s worried about you—we all are.”

“Don’t.”

“Seriously, you need to see her. It’s not healthy for her to be this upset about you, and you know it. She just went through a traumatic experience. Don’t put her through anymore strain.”

I ran a hand through my greasy hair and heaved out a sigh. “Fine. I’ll see her.” I’ll see her, then I’ll go. That’s all the closure I could give them.

“And your job . . . they’ve been calling. I told them what had happened with Kami and how you were refusing to leave her side. Amber needs to speak with you a.s.a.p.”

“Fine.” Little did she know that my conversation with my supervisor would be no more than an apology and a resignation. Word traveled fast. Amber knew that I had had a rough upbringing and had been adopted. But she didn’t know the details. Since I was a minor when it all went down, those records had been sealed. Or so I thought. Now I knew exactly why Helping Hands had been ransacked. Amanda must’ve gotten some of her dumpster juice friends to help her get some dirt on me after my little DCFS threat. Well, they found it.

She left me to shower and dress, and when I emerged, she handed me a sandwich. I was starving, but I wasn’t sure my body could keep down anything. It was too full of grief.

The ride to the hospital was silent for the most part, except when Angel brought up the one topic that I had been desperately trying to avoid.

“Raven has been calling you. She came by a few times. She’s worried about you.”