After Math (14 page)

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” I rub my aching temple. Crying half the night has given me a massive headache. “But I promised I’d go to his practice tomorrow and watch him play.”

“Do you want me to come? I’m supposed to work in the fashion department workroom for extra credit, but I can get out of it.”

I shake my head. “You need the extra credit after your test. I’ll be fine.”

“How about we order pizza tonight? We can watch
Twilight
and make fun of it.”

I grin. “I thought you had a date tonight.”

She shakes her head with a sad smile. “Not anymore.”

I give her a hug. “Then it’s you and me tonight.”

“And what if Tucker shows up?”

A scowl purses my lips. “He won’t. I told him things were moving too fast and we needed to take a day or two off. Besides, who knows if he’ll even be home tonight? He might still be in Nashville.”

I spend the rest of the day trying not to think about what Tucker is doing in Nashville or who Marcel actually is. When I’m worried about something, my mind usually comes up with half a dozen outrageous scenarios to fuel my anxiety, but in this instance, I come up with nothing.

When Jason shows up in math lab around five, I groan. He doesn’t even waste time for me to come into the hall.

“Where’s Tucker?”

I ignore him as I brush past. When I leave the room, and I’m out of earshot of anyone in the math lab I cross my arms and face him. “Tucker told me he was going to Nashville, and he’d be back today.”

“He’s not back yet, and he’s not answering his cell phone.”

My heart seizes, and I force back my panic.

“Why did he go to Nashville?”

“I honestly don’t know. He took a call from someone and then told me he had to go.”

“And when was this?”

“Last night. Around midnight.”

Jason’s eyes fill with anger. “Are you lying to me?”

My mouth drops open. “Why would I lie to you? I’m not happy about him running off, either.”

Jason begins to pace and rubs the back of his neck. “He has to be back tomorrow. I’ve heard from someone in the know that a scout from the Chicago Fire will be at practice to evaluate Tucker.”

“What does that mean?”

Jason glares. “It means this is Tucker’s big shot, and he might miss it.”

I inhale sharply. “He’ll be there. He made me promise I’d be there tomorrow to watch him play.”

With a grunt, Jason shakes his head. “Let’s hope for his sake you’re right.”

When I get home, I tell Caroline about Jason’s visit and the possibility of the scout showing up.

“What are you going to do if they recruit him?”

A lump fills my throat. “I can’t even think that far ahead. I just hope he shows up.” But my hope is even simpler than that. I just hope he’s okay.

***

The practice is at two on Saturday, close to the university. Metal stands line both sides of the practice field, and I’ve brought some blankets and a travel mug of coffee to keep me warm on the dreary February afternoon. Dark gray clouds hang heavy in the sky, and my umbrella is next to me in case the clouds decide to open.

My stomach is a bundled mass of nerves. I haven’t heard anything from Tucker, and from the anxious look on Jason’s face as he paces the edge of the field, he hasn’t either.

I tell myself it’s only one fifty-five. Tucker is notoriously late to everything. Everything that’s not related to me.

But he knows I’ll be here, so wouldn’t he be here early?

I’ve sworn that I wouldn’t call him, but I’m beginning to panic. I pull out my phone just as I see his car pull up in the parking lot on the other side of the field. Releasing a long exhale, I push my pent-up fear with it. Tucker jumps out of the car and runs past his teammates and across the field toward me.

I stand and walk the few steps down to the field, relief making my knees weak.

When he stops in front of me, he’s hesitant, his face tight with apprehension. “You came.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. “I told you I would. I was worried
you
weren’t coming.”

He leans down and gives me a gentle kiss. “I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to show off for you.” His words are teasing, but he’s holding back. “So is our break over? After this practice I can be with you?”

My chin quivers. Have we solved anything other than proving I’m a miserable mess without him?

“I’ve missed you so much, Scarlett.”

I nod as tears stream down my face. “I missed you, too.”

He wraps an arm around my back and pulls me to his chest. A whistle sounds, and Tucker reluctantly drops his hold on me and gives me his cocky Tucker smile. But it’s tempered by his eyes as they search my own. “Wish me luck.”

I grin. “I didn’t think you needed it, superstar.”

He laughs and runs across the field to warm up with his teammates. When I look out of the corner of my eye at Jason, he’s scowling. I’m irritated that Jason seems more relieved that Tucker is here to impress a scout instead of being relieved he’s safe. But then again, maybe Jason is used to Tucker running off for days at a time. My happiness sobers. Just another reminder of how much I don’t know about him.

I know very little about soccer, but once they begin to scrimmage, it’s obvious that Tucker has talent. He outshines everyone on the field. My heart bursts with pride for him, and sorrow when I see a man walk up to the stands halfway through the match. He sits at the top row and takes notes on an electronic tablet. At one point, he pulls out his phone and holds a serious conversation, his eyes on Tucker the entire time before he leaves.

Tucker’s side easily wins, and when the match is over, Tucker heads straight for me, wearing his trademark grin. Some of his teammates watch him, curious expressions on their faces.

Jason has moved during the match so that he’s sitting two rows behind me, which I suspect was to move to get closer to the scout. I stand, keeping my eyes on Tucker, but ask loud enough for Jason to hear. “How’d he do?”

He hesitates, but then I hear pride in his voice. “He was excellent. Beyond excellent. They’re bound to offer him a contract after that. I’ve never seen him play that well.”

A soft smile warms my heart as I move toward the stairs. I can’t help thinking my presence played a part in it, proving that I’m not a bad influence after all.

Tucker reaches the edge of the field, and Jason stomps down the metal stairs, intercepting Tucker before he reaches me. I’m close on Jason’s heels.

Anger reddens Jason’s face, and he glares at Tucker. “Where the hell have you been?”

“None of your fucking business.”

“It becomes my business when you almost missed a scout from the Fire.”

Tucker’s eyes widen. “You’re shitting me.”

“Dude, he was here, and
you
were on fire.”

Tucker runs a hand through his hair. “Why didn’t you leave me a message with one of your fifty phone calls and texts?”

Jason grins. “I didn’t want you to know and possibly freeze up.” He gestures toward me. “Besides, I figured you showing off for Scarlett was motivation enough.”

Tucker reaches for me and swings me around, letting out a whoop of excitement. “This could be it, Scarlett!”

I’m happy for him, but I’m scared about what this means for us. There’s no denying that Tucker truly does have a gift. But will this make him happy? I’m not so sure. “You were amazing, Tucker. Truly amazing.”

He kisses me then swings me around again. When he sets my feet on the ground, Tucker keeps his arm around me and looks up at Jason. “How long until we know for sure?”

“I called my friend after the scout left. He thinks he’ll hear something within the week.”

“And then what?”

“It depends. There’s a chance they’ll bring you in right before the regular season starts.”

Tucker’s eyebrows rise. “That soon? That’s only a couple of weeks.”

Jason’s grin spreads across his face, and it occurs to me this is the first time I’ve really seen him smile. “That soon. This could move really fast.”

“But what about this semester?” I ask. “Will Tucker just drop out of school?”

Jason smirks and looks at me like I’m an idiot. “Scarlett, I told you Tucker doesn’t need a degree if he’s a pro.”

Tucker’s arm tightens around my waist. “Nothing’s a sure thing, Scarlett. We’ll see what happens.”

I nod, then head back up into the stands to get my blankets. My fingers shake as I fold the blankets into neat squares. Tucker seems genuinely happy about this, and that’s what I want, for Tucker to be happy. He beams with pride, standing on the sidelines, deep in conversation with Jason. He’s gorgeous, with the soft breeze blowing his short blond hair, and his cheeks rosy from physical exertion and the cold breeze.

My breath catches as I realize I’m losing him.

I knew this would happen. From the moment I met him, I knew he would leave and break my heart, yet I can’t fault him for it. He’s following his dream, and what more could I hope for him? If only I was certain it really
is
his dream. His excitement convinces me that perhaps it is. Maybe these last three years of college soccer
are
merely a stepping stone to becoming pro. I hope he finds the joy he had when he played in high school. If the way he played this afternoon is any indication, it’s there. Maybe he just doesn’t recognize it anymore.

He looks up and our eyes lock, his smile fading slightly. He says something to Jason, and Jason waves and walks away.

It’s Tucker and me, and we’re on his turf, literally. It only seems fair after I’ve had the advantage of most of our time together. I wonder how much time we have left before he’s gone.

I’m stuck in the stands, my feet unwilling to move as my tears fall. He bounds the few steps to me and pulls me into a tight embrace, pressing my cheek to his chest. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to. We both know we’re on borrowed time. If I barely made it through a day and a half without him, how will I last a lifetime?

“Don’t cry, Scarlett. Please, don’t cry. We can make this work.”

But we can’t. Not really. He’ll go away and be on the road most of the year while I’m here going to school and hoping to move to Washington D.C. when I graduate.

I stand on my tiptoes and pull his mouth to mine, kissing him with an urgency that fills every cell of my body. I may be losing him, but I’m not going to waste a moment of what I have left. My heart is going to break whether he leaves now or in a few weeks. Trying to protect myself is pointless.

His arms press me tighter against his chest, and he kisses me until we’re both breathless. “I want to take you home.”

I nod with a weak smile.

He picks up my blankets and takes my hand before we descend the steps. A soft rain begins to fall as we walk to where my car is parked on this side of the field. Tucker opens my door and tosses the blankets onto the passenger seat.

“I have to get my things. How about you go home, and I’ll be there soon?” There’s a sadness in his voice, and it occurs to me that most of our relationship has been filled with sorrow since the beginning. Perhaps this is a sign that we’re not meant to be.

I nod again and get into the car, not trusting myself to speak. Tucker takes off running across the field. He stops midfield, his head back, and his eyes uplifted to the sky as the rain coats his face. I wonder what he’s thinking, or if he’s even thinking about me.

Caroline is still at school when I get home, and I’m unsure what to do with myself as I wait. My nervousness makes me jumpy. Should I do something before Tucker shows up? Brush my teeth? Put on lingerie? That’s a laugh, since I don’t own any. I decide to do nothing. Tucker loves me for me.

Tucker loves me.

I’ve known this, but the reality of the situation sinks in. I can name only a handful of people who really loved me, and with the exception of Caroline, every single one of them has walked away. I’m not sure which is better—the chance to experience love and lose it, or to live my life without it.

Too late to determine that now.

Tucker knocks on the door, and I open it before the second rap. He’s wearing a half smile, but his eyes are glassy. “Jason’s friend at the Fire called. He says they want me. They’re going to make me an offer.”

I take in a deep breath, unable to say anything except for one word. “When?”

“Jason’s right. They’ll want me for the first of the season. If it all gets worked out, I might leave next week.”

I nearly stumble with the news. My head bobs in acknowledgement even though I’m dying inside.

He grabs me and kisses me with all the grief and pain I feel. I’m barely aware of him closing the door as his hands slide up the back of my shirt, his cold hands erupting goose bumps on my arms.

We go into my bedroom and I cling to him, hating myself for it. I’ve become the very thing I hate. My mother. She always picked men who were either derelicts or destined to leave.

I’m no different than her.

Instead of analyzing it, I surrender to my feelings, surrender to this man, even though I know it’s emotional suicide. But he already owns half my heart anyway. I’m merely handing him the rest.

We’re both silent as he strips off my clothes, then takes off his own. No words are necessary. We both know this is goodbye.

We stand together naked, our bodies pressed against one another, and I catalog every feeling, every sensation.  When he’s gone, at least I’ll have the memories of him.

He’s looking into my eyes, his hand sliding from my cheek to my neck. “I love you, Scarlett.”

The words are on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t say them. My heart burns with grief and love. Those three words are the last piece of my soul, and even though I’ve given him everything else, I’m not sure I’ll survive if I hand over this final piece.

I close my eyes, and his lips press against mine. He lowers me to the bed, and we make love with tenderness and regret. How can something so beautiful be so devastatingly sad?

Tucker holds me close, brushing my hair from my face. “Marcel was my foster brother.” His voice breaks on the last word.

I turn to look up at him in surprise. Tucker’s eyes are closed.