Ain't Gonna Be the Same Fool Twice (22 page)

“Yeah, and there was something very sensual about all those fruits and vegetables. Most men wouldn't be able to pull that off,” Susan bragged.

“Susan should know, she's a student at the San Francisco Art Institute,” Traci informed me.

“Roger really likes women as people, and I think that's rare,” Susan said, running her fingers through his hair.

“My mother told me as a child that most men didn't really like women,” I said. “At the time I didn't understand what she meant. You're lucky to have found a man who really likes women as people.”

“Roger's not just into the image of women, he's into the essence of women,” Susan bragged.

“That's deep,” Traci said finishing her glass of wine. “Too deep to deal with sober.”

“Would you like more wine?” Roger asked jumping to his feet. “What's your pleasure, wine, weed … or the white girl?”

Traci's eyes lit up.

“The white girl?” I asked, confused.

“Y'all know the white girl can always be a friend of mine,” Traci smiled.

“Who's this white girl? What are you all talking about?”

“You'll see, Stevie, I'll go get her. She's really nice.” Roger winked.

I'd put two and two together in my mind by the time Roger returned from the kitchen area with a cutting board containing a mound of cocaine.

“I figured, so cocaine is ‘the white girl?'”

Traci nodded. “She's everybody's Miss America.”

“Not mine,” I said.

“Stevie's on a crusade against drugs these days,” Traci said while Roger cut the cocaine with a single-edged razor blade.

“Do you eat red meat?” Susan wanted to know.

“Sure, when I can afford it.”

“Well, red meat is full of drugs. They give all kinds of artificial hormones to cattle, you know.”

“I'm not on any crusade; I'm just not into it. You all can go right ahead.”

“That's cool.”

“Yeah,” Roger agreed, “but feel free to change your mind.”

Many lines later, I was the only one who wasn't high. Susan had stripped down to her bra and bikini underwear. She'd had this bright idea that they should experience being high on the waterbed. I watched as she lay still on the waterbed while Roger made a ridge of the remaining cocaine on her thigh with a serving knife.

“If you want more, now, you gotta come and get it,” Susan giggled.

“I want more,” Roger laughed.

“I want more too,” Traci added.

“For once, I'll be sexist, ladies first.”

“Traci,” I groaned, feeling jealous, but she ignored me and rubbed her nose up Susan's thigh; just inches away from her crotch. Traci licked the cocaine residue off of Susan's thigh.

My stomach tightened as I watched Susan sit up and kiss Traci on the mouth. Traci kissed her back, and the two of them fell into the bed, their bodies intertwined.

Roger reached over and put his arm around my shoulder. “I have to admit that they look hot together. But don't you feel sort of on the sidelines holding the jackets while your friends dance?”

“I can't believe this,” I groaned.

“Well, Stevie, if you can't beat 'em, you might as well join 'em.”

“Yeah, Stevie, jump into the mix.” I stiffened as Susan reached out and grabbed my arm and pulled me onto the waterbed. I felt like I was lying on a bowl of Jell-O that hadn't quite set yet. Susan rolled on top of me while Traci lay next to me with her arm around my shoulder. I felt embarrassed to be in this position.

“Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream,” Susan sang as she rocked her pelvis against mine. “Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream,” Traci sang along with Susan.

“This is crazy,” I protested, denying the sensual feelings shooting through my body as Susan rubbed against me.

I lay there frozen, afraid to feel and unable to get up without a major display of force.

“The three of you look so beautiful together,” Roger said prancing around like a fool with a rose sticking out of his mouth.

“Let me up,” I said, struggling to rise up over Susan's warm body.

Susan pushed me down. “Oh, come on, Stevie, we were just beginning to have fun.”

“Yeah.” Traci tugged on my arm. “Can't you go with the flow for a change?”

“Yeah, if you can't go with the flow in a waterbed, where can you go with the flow?” Roger wanted to know. He plucked the rose petals and sprinkled them on top of us.

“Look, maybe, this just isn't my idea of fun, OK?”

“Is it true blondes have more fun?” Susan sang.

“Stevie, why don't you just loosen up; ain't nothing but a party. Stop going through life with the emergency brake on.”

“Traci, I don't call not wanting to wallow around in a waterbed with someone I barely know, going through life with the emergency brake on.”

“Someone you barely know?” Roger interrupted. “How can you say that? I thought we were your friends.”

“Stevie, how am I going to get to know you, if you won't let me,” Susan pouted, still pinning me down.

“I thought you were different, but it looks like I was wrong,” Traci sighed.

“Different, what do you mean, different?” I asked suspiciously.

“Different from the average black woman,” Traci answered.

I felt myself growing angry. How dare Traci talk like this in front of these people!

“So, what is the average black woman like?” I asked sarcastically.”

“Repressed and uptight in certain situations.”

“I think you're making a gross generalization.”

“Well, I think you're living proof.”

“Stevie, you better have your fun now, before Kate gets back and things return to status quo,” Susan interrupted.

“What are you talking about? Traci, what does Kate coming back in January have to do with anything?” I looked at Traci. “We might want to get our own place by then.”

Traci suddenly became interested in the folds of the waterbed.

“Go ahead, you may as well tell her,” Susan insisted. “She's gonna find out when Kate comes home in January, anyhow.”

“I want to find out now!” I shouted.

“OK,” Traci hesitated. “Kate and I were lovers, OK?”

I gulped. “You and Kate were lovers?”

Traci nodded.

“How come you never told me?”

“You never asked.”

“How would I have known there was anything to ask about? And what does she mean, things are going to return to status quo?”

“Well, Kate and I kind of left things open.”

“What do you mean open? Like you might just pick up where things left off? Is that what you mean by open?”

“Kate and I believe in living in the moment. I can't say how I'll feel when Kate comes back in two weeks, until the time comes.”

“Two weeks!” Roger and I shouted together.

“Kate's not coming back in two weeks, is she?” Susan asked, sitting up.

Traci sighed. “I just got a letter from Kate. She couldn't take it anymore. Turns out the guru's been making all kinds of passes at her and some of the other female students.”

“I can't believe that all this time you never told me anything! All this time! How could you?” I said, feeling hot tears welling up in my eyes. “How could you be so dishonest and then have the nerve to dog me in front of strangers.”

“We're not strangers,” Roger cut in.

“I'm sorry, Stevie, I was just going with the flow. One thing just led to another. I never expected us to get so involved. And I wasn't sure how things would be between me and Kate when she came back. January always seemed a long ways away.”

“You still should've told me!”

“Hindsight is twenty-twenty. I'm sorry, but right now, I've gotta be there for Kate.”

My chest felt tight. My stomach was in knots. “Tell Kate not to worry, I've washed my fingers of you!” I shouted. Traci had a surprised look on her face, and Roger and Susan looked confused. I ran toward the door, hesitating only long enough to grab my jacket from the coatrack. I didn't stop until I reached the sidewalk. I was angry and scared and hurt all rolled into one. But it felt refreshing to be out in the foggy night air, despite the men dressed in leather and chains all around me.

12

Jawea was still away at Tai Chi camp, so I felt free to cry.

“Everything has turned to shit,” I moaned to Artemis as I hugged her with one arm and the tear-stained pillow with the other. Artemis wiggled away from me. She could pick the worst times to be indifferent.

Suddenly, it became clear to me. I had to get out. I no longer had a place here. I didn't feel like being with Traci. I couldn't sleep in Kate's room. The straw mat, Indira Gandhi poster, and the stained glass hanging in the window no longer felt like home.

I started emptying drawers. When Traci came back, I didn't plan to be here. Maybe it was a crazy thing to do, to leave like a thief in the night, but I didn't care. I had my pride.

But where could I go at this hour? I must be crazy. I only had a few dollars to my name. I remembered my food stamps. At least I had them; I'd redeemed my coupon yesterday. Hadn't I observed people attempting to buy and sell food stamps yesterday on Mission Street? If worse came to worst, maybe I could trade them for cash. But that wouldn't help me tonight.

I decided to call the Haight-Ashbury Switchboard. I'd seen a flier that said they ran a shelter. I hated to have to go someplace like that with all of my stuff. But at least I only had one suitcase and a carry-on bag. And I didn't have anything really valuable to worry about. By Monday I could get Grandma or my parents to wire me some money for a one-way ticket back to Chicago. I dialed the number.

“I'm sorry, but we're full tonight. You have to get over here before six o'clock,” the bubbly voice on the other end explained.

“It's just that I don't know where else to turn,” I moaned.

“What's your situation?”

“Hopeless.”

“Have you been battered?”

“No … not physically.”

“Are you in fear of being battered?”

“It's never happened before.”

“Is this your boyfriend or your husband?”

“Uhhh … It's my lover.”

“Oh … Did she threaten you?”

“She told me her old girlfriend is moving back here. I have to go. I can't be here when she gets home.”

“Calm down. Do you have any money?”

“Just a few dollars.”

“If you can get across the bay I think they might take a crisis walk-in at the Women's Refuge. You can call to see if they're full. But you'll have to hurry up. BART will stop running soon, and the last bus for Berkeley leaves the Trans Bay Terminal at midnight too. If all else fails, and you're really desperate, you could always sleep on a bench inside the Trans Bay Terminal. But it could be dangerous, especially for a young woman alone. You'd probably want to stay awake all night to protect yourself and your stuff. And, it wouldn't hurt to have some sort of a weapon on you, just in case.”

A chill ran through me. “Thanks a lot.” I swallowed. “You've been a big help. I better get off now, and start packing so I can get out of here before she comes home.”

“I'll call around for you to locate a bed. Call me from a phone booth if you're out in the street. By the way, my name is Meadow.”

I thanked Meadow and gave her my name and number.

I kept hearing Bob Dylan singing the lyrics of “Like a Rolling Stone” over and over in my head.

It wasn't just my pride that drove me around the apartment, hastily collecting my things, but also my fear of confronting Traci. I realized I was afraid of my own anger.

I heard the front door. “Oh, shit!” I gasped aloud. What if Traci walked in on me now? I wasn't quite finished packing. I held my breath.

“Anybody home? I'm back.”

I let out a sigh of relief. It was Jawea, thank goodness.

I greeted her in the hallway.

“Hi, Stevie, my ride decided to leave tonight instead of tommorrow. So, we left after dinner and drove straight through.”

“Welcome home.” The word
home
stuck in my throat. “How was Tai Chi camp?”

“It was so powerful. Artemis, come here, Artemis. My form improved so much.” Artemis continued to sit in the windowsill, not paying Jawea any attention.

“You got a nice tan.”

“It was hot, and we practiced outside most of the time. Artemis always acts pissed when I've been away this long.”

“That's good.”

“Stevie, are you OK?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Your energy seems scattered. I don't know, maybe I'm so relaxed, it makes you seem tense. It's always an adjustment coming back to the city after a week in the country.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, staring off into space.

“Stevie, are you sure you're all right?”

“What do you mean?”

“Look at your arm! It's got big red splotches all over it! I think you've broken out into hives!”

“Oh!” I said, surprised to see the rash on my arm. “I broke out into hives the night before our debate tournament last year, I was so nervous.”

“What are you worried about now? What's wrong?”

“I've decided to leave Traci.”

“Are you shitting me?” Jawea asked, surprised.

“No, I'm serious.” I looked Jawea in the eye. “How come you never told me about Traci and Kate?”

“It wasn't for me to tell,” Jawea answered softly.

“Well, Kate's coming back.”

“Yeah, in January, you knew that.”

“No, something happened with the guru and she's coming back sooner, in two weeks.”

“Oh, shit! Well, Kate can't just kick you out. That wouldn't be fair. We'd have to give you a month's notice.”