AJ's Salvation (25 page)

They both stayed silent for a long moment while Aly tried to imagine where she'd find Jam now, and how he'd look.

“Tell me you really have a plan, Aly. Tell me you know a judge who could possibly help us,” he eventually pleaded, and Aly looked through the open doorway at the old man she was visiting, seeing him stare blankly at the wall.

“Maybe,” she conceded, not wanting to keep his hopes up. “I won't end up in prison though for now,” she then added, knowing somewhere deep inside her that was true. Thomas wouldn't do that to her.

“I wish I could see you.” She had it on the tip of her tongue to tell him that he could because all he'd have to do was drive out there. The problem was, the more contact they had, the more likely it was that things went down the drain.

“I wish that, too. Just give me a little more time, Jam.” 

He took a few deep breaths, and Aly wondered if he had reached his breaking point. “Soon,” she promised, hoping and praying she could keep it together enough for both of them. "I love you," she whispered as a way of good-bye. Jam gave the sentiment back, but as much as she knew it was true, his statement lacked heat and that was what made her get up. Thomas needed to know and decide because if he wasn't helping her, she had more people on the list she was going to try to convince. There had to be someone who would help them.

“So here's the whole story,” she said loudly, pulling the old man from his thoughts. She started at the beginning and ended where they were now. It took a while, and they relocated to the kitchen at some point so Aly could cook, but she didn't leave anything out and Thomas didn't say anything until she concluded her story.

For a long time all that was between them were two wine glasses, filled to the brim since nothing less would suffice.

It was freezing on the floor where he sat, his cell rested against his lips as he considered calling Aly back. He should have been the one to calm her down; instead, she had assured him they'd work it out. Only now, when thinking back and analyzing what she thought did he realize that her voice had been thick with tears. She had been crying, too, and he had been too self-absorbed to realize it. Darkness was descending into the rooms, bringing more cool air with it.

Jam had dark moments before; so bad, he had wanted to die without a second thought, but while sitting there in the hallway, he thought he hadn't known darkness until that moment. He couldn't ease his son's worries because that would maybe forever exile him to his grandparents, and he couldn't stop Aly's tears because she was too far away. He couldn't make it right without causing her more harm. Not for the first time, Jam wondered if there had been a point in life where he should have gone the other way. 

There was one. Back when he had given the boy to Aly. He had thought that this was his only true way out, but that wasn't right, was it? He could have found a prosecutor some towns over to press charges the Karmisons. He could have tried to run away with the child without pulling anyone else into the dark web of the kidnapping. He could have gotten a doctor's certified proof that Collene had been abusing their child. Either way, it would have kept Aly out of this. She would be happily living with another man, having her own child without a care in the world. After all, she wouldn't have to keep a secret like that. It was hell.

Jam pulled his knees up, trying hard to ward off the cold and make himself as small as possible. It was all that mattered right now. He wanted to vanish, go back, and get another chance to redo it all. 

Resting his forehead against his bent knees, he gritted his teeth against the pain that came at him from everywhere. He felt like tearing his own skin off. 

Jam lost track of time, and only the moving moonlight was an indication of how far the night was moving along. Greg, Phil, and Dorly sat in the living room, and by the sounds of it, they were sharing a bottle of whatever. Maybe Jam should have joined them, going for a few glasses to ease his pain, but he hadn't. No one had come to check on him, either, and it probably was for the best. 

He didn't deserve their compassion. He had turned them all into accomplices, just by handing Alessandro over to Aly.

His thoughts were an abyss, threatening to swallow him whole, and the only person who'd be able to stop the downward spiral was out of reach. He wouldn't call her, begging her to ease his pain when she hadn't seen Lesso in longer than he had. 

The phone in his hand vibrated, startling him. The display lit up with Aly's smile, giving him a chance to glance at the clock. It was past two, and she should be sleeping.

“Al,” he whispered, wondering if the quieter he spoke, the less she'd hear his desperation.

“You know I adore you, Jam, right? No matter what comes, what happens, you’re the only guy I will ever love. There can't ever be anyone else for me. There wasn't back then, and there won't be any time in the future. You're all I need, Jamison. Always. Don't give up hope yet,” she pleaded as if she was privy to his thoughts. 

“What if I can't, Aly?” 

“Don't you dare give up! We're so close, Jam, so close to success,” she begged, and he felt a hot tear run down his cheek. He hated crying, tried hard to avoid it, but that night it didn’t work.

“I gotta go, Aly,” he replied. He didn’t even wait for her to answer before just hanging up. He needed only a few more hours to collect himself. As soon as the sun would rise, he’d be proud and strong again. All he had to do was get through those hours.

Movement on the stairs caused him to grit his teeth, hoping that whoever had come up wouldn’t see him. He was out of luck as Phil sank down on the floor next to him, entwining their hands in silence. He squeezed, hard, but she didn’t wince. He knew that Aly had sent her, and it was somehow as if no matter how far away Aly was, she was guarding him from the darkness.

After she finished her message to Philomena, Aly couldn't keep her sobs in, burying her face in her hands. Thomas had offered her a bed for the night, and she had gratefully accepted since it was way past midnight and she didn't have the energy left to look for a motel. She dropped the phone, and it silently bounced off the heavy carpet. Jam couldn’t give up now. 

Thomas had kissed her forehead and had told her good night after her story. She didn’t know what to make of it, but then, for now, she didn’t care, either. She hadn’t been able to find any sleep, her heart racing in her throat as if she was running a marathon being followed by a serial killer and he was about to catch up. There was no chance for her to close her eyes, so she had sat back up, the impulse to call Jam overwhelming.

She never had thought about how deep Collene’s marks would reach into Jam. The episode in her bathroom had been an indicator, but she had been naïve enough to think that they’d be able to solve that with a little love and affection. After all, hadn’t Jam been much happier after his confession? 

Hearing him now, though, she knew he needed professional help, no matter how much she wished he could get through it without reliving it all anew. 

Starting to pace her bedroom, she wondered if she maybe should get outside and just wander the garden aimlessly in the moonlight. She needed to get away from herself and out of the room that seemed to be suffocating her since it contained all her worries.

Wearing just a long white tee that she still had left from Jam, she ventured outside, her bare feet hitting the dew-covered grass. Looking up at the clear sky, she could see a million stars, missing home yet feeling oddly close to her little house by the sea.

The moon stood full and high, easing her mind. The night was beautiful, filled with only a few soft noises here and there. Feeling her naked toes on the wet grass grounded her somewhat, making her spread her arms and breathe deeply. 

“You look like a fairy, little Rhyme,” came a voice from the door, and Aly flinched, spinning to face the porch.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” she explained, looking at Thomas. In the pale moonlight, he looked even more breakable than she had thought during the day.

“It’s hardest at night for me. I still miss Brenda in those hours because there’s no getting away from your thoughts at night, is there?” He wanted to know. “Frankly, I followed the open doors until I found you here, standing in the garden. Did it help?”

She giggled a little embarrassed and then nodded. “Jam is in a bad place, and it’s hard being strong when all you really want is to curl yourself into a ball and cry. He has been strong for me long enough. I need to be strong for him now when he can’t be. Being out here helped. A lot. I don’t know why, but something about the silence of the night is soothing. And you still have the moonflowers. I always regretted that I never got to smell them because they were blooming only in the dark. Your garden is an escape. Exactly the one I needed. I’m sorry my mother stopped tending to it at some point. I probably should have continued her work just because you’ve always been so generous to us, but by now, I can’t change that. Thank you for letting me stay and … finding peace in an impossible situation,” Aly explained, watching in surprise how Thomas Fairchild, county judge and lonely widower, took off his slippers and walked down the stairs to join her barefoot dance on the lawn.

“I haven’t taken the time to enjoy the flowers in years. Without Brenda, I just didn’t see a reason. Now, though, I think it might have soothed my soul before, too. After all, she always loved every plant here. I should feel closer to her here than I should anywhere else,” he admitted, taking slow, deliberate steps across his own property as if he had never before seen it.

“The only thing you need to feel close to someone you’ve lost is the memory in your heart, Thomas. No matter where you go, what you’ll do, they’ll be by your side if you keep them inside of you. Every smile, every word you remember makes them more vivid. Only when we start forgetting are they truly gone from us. That, too, is the reason why at night you miss her the most. Your head can’t stop your heart from going down a path you’re too afraid to follow during the day. In dreams, we are unguarded. In dreams, we are free. In dreams, they are alive. Always.” Greg used to say that to her when she worried about forgetting her parents. It was crazy that even now she could recall the words so clearly.

For a long time, Thomas just kept walking in silence, his feet digging into the earth as if he was trying to grow roots, but then he looked up and Aly saw emotions race across the old man’s face like pictures crossed a movie screen without a break.

“You’re a smart, little lady,” he finally commented, and Alessia laughed.

“Greg told me those exact words when I was younger. They just came back to me a few minutes ago, and they’re true. Scary but true.” She shrugged her shoulder and then hugged herself. “I think I’m calm enough now to find some sleep,” she then added, and Thomas nodded, a surprisingly satisfied smile on his lips.

“Sleep tight. I think I’m going to walk a little longer out here under the stars,” he decided, and she kissed his papery cheek.

“Make sure you rub your feet warm before you go back to bed. And I hope you’ll have sweet dreams,” Aly said softly then walked up the porch steps and into the house, making sure to clean her feet on the doormat before walking up the stairs and snatching the phone from the floor. Out of habit, she lit the screen, not expecting anything since it was so late, but to her utter surprise, there was a message from Jam.

Always and a day, Aly. That’s how long I’m yours.

She read the words over and over, her heart becoming much lighter, eventually calming down enough to help her find some sleep.