A.L. Jambor (6 page)

I try to remember his face. I can see his brown eyes and his lips. I have trouble when it comes to his nose. I keep mixing it up with Geezer’s. I do remember the way his body felt against mine, though. His chest against my chest. I’ve been longing for his body lately.

October 30

I’m sorry I haven’t written in you much, Journal. I’ve been so lazy. My stomach is huge and I don’t get much sleep. Geezer keeps giving me chamomile tea.

Things have settled down in London. The army has gained control over the people and Mace is feeding them. That seems to have made them happy. He’s offering land to those who want to farm. He’s also giving money to shopkeepers. Geezer didn’t like the way things were going at first, but now he thinks Mace is doing a good job.

Geezer has a nice face. I look at him while he’s reading. He reminds me of an old picture I saw in one of his books. The man was a painter who painted a picture of himself. The artist’s name was Albrecht Dürer. He lived in Germany in the fifteenth century. The picture was in a book from Earth.

“Do you paint?” I asked him.

“I can draw,” he replied.

“Can you paint me?”

“I can draw you.”

When he was done, I looked at the drawing. He made me look pretty, but my eyes are sad.

He cut my hair today. It’s a foot shorter now. It goes to the middle of my back.

December 7

I am much better now. I gave birth to Ceil on November 3. She is the love of my life.

I began to have pains and Geezer came to sit with me. He held my hand and stroked my arm. He told me to breathe. The pains went on for hours, but in the end I had my beautiful baby daughter.

February 3, 917

Ceil is sleeping so I have some time to write. I just realized it was a year ago when I saw Mace for the first time. Ceil has his eyes.

Geezer brings me flowers. He creates them and makes the most beautiful arrangements out of them. I love to look at him. We kissed for the first time yesterday.

I love Geezer. It’s not passionate like with Mace, but it’s good. He is a good man. He loves Ceil so much.

We walk in our little garden and show our daughter the colors. She doesn’t understand. She’s much too young. But Geezer and I like being together.

London is doing well. Geezer went to see Mace. He didn’t tell him he has a daughter. It’s better if he doesn’t know. We both fear he might try to take Ceil.

Neela was with him. Geezer says she seems harder somehow. She stares at Mace. Geezer says it makes him uncomfortable to be around her.

My first thought was
she wants to kill Mace.

April 18

Ceil is getting so big. We can prop her on pillows and she “sits” by herself. Geezer entertains her by sending things flying through the air. Geezer told me it’s an awesome power and not to take it lightly. I know he’s right, but it’s just so much fun that I keep encouraging him to go on.

Geezer told me that Neela lost another baby. I can’t imagine how painful that would be. I cried for her. Geezer said that now we have to be even more careful with Ceil.

“If Neela cannot produce an heir, he will want Ceil,” he said.

I held her tightly.

May 20

It was a beautiful spring day today. Ceil was in my arms and we saw a butterfly. We chased it and she laughed. I found myself standing on the wrong side of the white picket fence. Then I met a group of soldiers.

They were on horses and stopped when they saw me. The leader got off his horse and bowed. He said Mace would like Geezer and me to come to dinner at the fortress in Esher. I didn’t know Mace was so close.

I told the soldier I would tell Geezer.

When I returned home, I told Geezer. He didn’t look happy.

“I don’t want him to know about Ceil,” he said.

“He wouldn’t hurt her,” I said.

“No, he’d take her.”

I held her closer to my chest.

“The soldiers saw her.”

“Then I’ll have to add protection to our tower.”

“Will it keep them out?”

“It will keep her safe.”

That didn’t answer my question.

Geezer went to dinner that night. He never mentioned Ceil. When Mace asked where I was, Geezer told him I had gone to Earth for a visit. Mace didn’t ask him why.

When I asked about the noble who owned that fortress, Geezer was still. Another head on Mace’s sword.

July 5

Things have changed. I had a visit from Mace.

The day started out the way they always do. Geezer made us breakfast and then he went to town. He was going to see Mace. It had been arranged.

I fed Ceil, who has grown so much she is now trying to stand. Geezer said it’s too early, but she doesn’t listen to him. It makes me smile.

I put her down for her nap. I went to the garden and I saw him. He was standing at the picket fence. He looked beautiful. I felt that old passion rising in my chest. What was it about him that made me feel that way?

He came through the gate and stood before me.

“You look lovely,” he said. “I had to see you. Geezer told me you’d gone to Earth, but I didn’t believe him. It’s taken me all this time to get away by myself.”

“Come inside,” I said. “I’ll make us some tea.”

We went into the tower and walked to the kitchen.

“What kind of tea would you like?” I said.

“I don’t want tea,” he said. “I want to kiss you.”

He was behind me. I turned and he kissed me. The heat filled my body. His lips felt like home.

I pulled myself away and turned my head. I felt ashamed. Geezer was so good to me. We were now sleeping in the same bed.

“I need you,” he said. “I’ve thought of nothing else these past few weeks.”

“And before that? Did you think of me then?”

I knew I sounded bitter. I was. I hadn’t heard a thing from him, not a letter, a note, nothing, since leaving him in his northern courtyard. And here he was as if nothing had happened in between.

“You know where I’ve been.”

“Your wife lost her baby.”

I wanted him to know that I knew he hadn’t been celibate.

“Duty,” he said as if the word could right all his wrongs.

“What do you want, Mace?”

“I want you.”

He moved toward me and put his hands on my shoulders.

“I want you to come and live with me in London. Neela wants to go back up north. You could be my queen here.”

“No. I can’t now.”

“Why? What’s changed?”

He looked into my eyes. He kissed me. Then he pulled away and looked at me for a long time.

“Geezer?” he said in disbelief. “You and Geezer?”

His tone pissed me off. “He’s a good man.”

“He’s a thousand years old!”

“He cares for me. He always has. He’s
been
here.”

“And you know where I’ve been.”

“It doesn’t excuse you.”

“Really. Running a kingdom doesn’t excuse me.”

“Oh, shut up.”

I ran from the kitchen to the hallway. He followed me. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to make him feel pain.

“Go,” I said.

“I had to marry her,” he said.

“Go. I don’t care. Just get out.”

“I had to have an heir. A royal heir.”

“You could have told me that the first night you met me.”

“I thought you knew. I thought you understood.”

“How could I know?”

“I thought you were from Esher.”

Hadn’t I told him about Pryll? He was lying. I
had
told him I was from Pryll. When we were in bed together.

“You knew I came from Pryll. You read Geezer’s ridiculous book. You knew what Pryll was like.”

“Margaret.”

“You let me believe you loved me.”

“I did - I do love you.”

“You let me go. Why didn’t you stop me?”

“The day you rode out of my courtyard, my heart was torn out of my chest. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t bear my life.”

“Why didn’t you stop me?” I said.

“How could I stop you? I couldn’t have you there, not with Neela. But now, you
could
be with me in London.”

“No. I can’t hurt Geezer.”

“But you could hurt him then, is that it?”

“I didn’t know, not then. I didn’t know until…”

“How could you not know. I knew.”

“You knew!” I cried.

He was thinking of an answer.

“Well, not at first.”

“Then when?”

“That first night at supper I couldn’t take my eyes off you. If I had seen it then, I wouldn’t have touched you. But he didn’t talk about you, and I just assumed there was nothing between you. Then, after you and I…well, I saw it on his face when he looked at you. By then it was too late.
I
had to have you.”

“And Geezer be damned?”

He stepped forward and kissed me again. God help me, I wanted him. I wanted him so much I nearly let him take me right there, right under the room where…Ceil slept.

I pushed him away.

“No, I don’t want this anymore. I want the life I have. It’s good, and he’s good to me. You hurt me. You’ll hurt her.”

I’d said too much. He looked confused. “Who? Who are you talking about?”

Then she cried. He looked at me and understood.

“You had a child. Why didn’t you tell me?”

He was thinking about her now. He saw her as an heir.

“I never heard from you.”

“You could have written to me.”

I was waiting for you.

I could see him thinking. He had a child. He had an heir. And the only obstacle in his way was me.

Ceil was crying. I had to go to her so I ran up the stairs. He followed. I picked her up and held her. He came to us and kissed her head. I was so afraid he’d try to take her.

I don’t understand what happened next. I just know he was on the floor looking up at me with a dazed look on his face, and Geezer was standing in the doorway. Mace didn’t see him.

“How did you do that?” Mace said.

I looked at Geezer and Mace turned his head.

“Leave, Mace,” Geezer said.

He stood up. He was shaking his head.

“Margaret, you can live with me, you and our daughter.” He looked at Geezer. “My daughter.” Then he looked at me. “We’ll be a family.”

“Just go,” I said.

I was clutching Ceil to my chest. I kept my eyes downcast. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t listen to him. I still wanted him. Then he spoke again and changed my heart.

“I’ll have her,” he said. “You know I will.”

It was Ceil. He wanted Ceil. And I was an inconvenient part of the deal.

“GO!” I cried.

He was shaking with rage, but he turned and left.

Geezer looked sad. I knew that despite everything, he loved Mace, and Mace’s betrayal had broken his heart.

“How long were you here?” I asked.

“I heard you talking when I came in from the garden. He wasn’t there when I got to the fortress. Then the tower summoned me home.”

“I thought he would take her.”

“He would have.”

“But you said the protection would keep her safe.”

“It brought me home.”

“And your power overcame him.”

“This doesn’t mean you should let your guard down,” Geezer said. “He can still hurt you.”

“But I have you. You’ve always protected me.”

“Just don’t take chances,” he said. “He feels dishonored.”

“Why would he feel dishonored?”

“Because
we
won the battle.”

I am holding Ceil as I write this. She is touching my face with her hand. She does have his eyes.

July 15

Geezer was again summoned to the court. He left after breakfast.

“I’ll be back this afternoon,” he said.

“But you don’t know what he wants. He might keep you longer.”

“I don’t think so. He’s been keeping me out of his inner chambers. He may just want to tell me why. He usually calls me when he wants advice.”

“I don’t trust him.”

I was afraid he would hurt Geezer.

“It’s between you and him,” he said. “Besides, he can’t hurt me. I’m not in danger.”

“But I am. And you’re leaving me alone. And whether or not you understand it, you
are
part of this.”

“He can’t hurt you if I’m with him.”

“He can send someone to hurt me.”

“Margaret, do you want me to stay? If I defy him, he’ll be further dishonored. Do you want me to give him more reason to hurt you?”

“No.”

“I’ve strengthened the charm around the tower and added a veil so that anyone passing by wouldn’t see it. They can’t get in.”

He walked over to me and knelt down.

“I’ll return soon enough. You’re safe inside. Just stay inside.”

I leaned over and kissed him.

“Just come back soon,” I said.

He kissed the top of Ceil’s head and held her hand.

“Goodbye, my love,” he said.

She gurgled and smiled.

After he left, I noticed she was sleepy so I put her down for a nap and went out the back door to the garden behind the tower. It was a lovely summer morning. I longed for a walk in the woods, but I couldn’t leave the protection of the veil.

I was looking for chamomile when I heard the horses. I ran to the front yard and saw the soldiers passing. They passed by several times a day looking for the tower. They couldn’t see it or me.

Sometimes Mace would be with them. Sometimes he would look right at me and the memory of him would bring an ache to my heart, but my mind would dismiss it. I knew what he was now.

When Geezer returned, he looked angry. Geezer was always calm.

I was feeding Ceil and we were rocking in the chair in my room. He came and sat on the floor near my feet.

“He’s changed,” he said.

“Can he hurt you?” I asked.

“No, but I miss him.”

“You miss the boy.”

“He’s still in him somewhere.”

“He’s a man who wants power.”

“You have reason to be harsh,” he said.

“Oh, Geezer. Why are you so forgiving? He would have taken our daughter.”

“I know.”

He’s resigned to my opinion of Mace. I can hear it in his voice.

“Let’s take a bath together,” I said.