[Alaskan Quest 03] - Whispers of Winter (37 page)

She thought of Adrik’s generous offer to have them all remain under his protection and care. It reminded her of the Last Chance villagers being paired off with a new spouse in order to see to the welfare of the children. Leah knew there was money to support the children and herself, however. Jayce had always been clear on the money he held in savings and stocks. Helaina was far wealthier than Leah and would have no trouble at all in seeing to Malcolm’s needs. Still, there was so much more to life than money. More to surviving than material items.

“Leah?”

She looked up. “Christopher, what are you doing out here? It’s cold and wet.”

He shrugged. “I saw you walking and thought maybe you could use a friend.”

She smiled at the boy. For such a young man his heart was always sensitive. “I can always use a friend—but especially if it’s you.”

He came alongside her and matched her pace as they headed up the forest path. The thick covering of spruce and fir kept much of the rain from them. “Leah, can I ask you something?”

She nodded and shoved her hands deep into her parka pockets. “What would you like to know?”

“Is God scary to you now?”

She stopped and looked at Christopher in surprise. He gazed up as if embarrassed. “I just mean … well … since Jacob and Jayce’s ship sank. I wondered….” He fell silent and looked back at the ground. “You don’t have to answer.”

Leah thought about the question for a moment. “I won’t lie to you, Christopher. This is very hard. It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to bear.”

“Like me when my mother died?”

“Yes. Exactly like that.” Leah started walking again, thinking that perhaps the action would help her to reason an answer. “I don’t understand why it had to happen this way. So much had already happened.”

“It doesn’t seem fair—just like with Ma,” he threw in.

“No. It definitely doesn’t seem fair.”

They walked a ways without speaking. The sounds of rain falling gently against the supple spruce branches and their boots against the path were the only noises.

“I guess it’s hard for me to put into words,” Leah finally said. It wasn’t that Christopher couldn’t understand; she simply wasn’t sure she understood her emotions well enough to convey the matter in words.

“I’ve never known a time when Jacob wasn’t in my life. He’s my older brother, so like for you with Ashlie and Oliver, he’s always been there. And with Jayce, well, I fell in love with him a long time ago. To imagine my life without them seems almost impossible for me.”

“Like me with my mother,” Christopher admitted. “Sometimes when I wake up in the morning … well … sometimes I think for just a minute that she’ll still be there. That her dying was just a bad dream.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Guess that sounds silly, huh?”

“Not at all. I felt that way many, many times when Jayce and Jacob were in the Arctic. I kept hoping I would just wake up and find that I had imagined the whole thing—that they were safe in the village and that there was nothing to fear.”

“But they’re in heaven with Mama,” Christopher said, stopping to look at Leah. “Right?”

Leah knew Christopher needed to hear the right thing from her, but she felt completely inadequate to the task. “Yes. I would imagine they’re all in heaven.” She felt tears come to her eyes and turned to look upward. The canopy of trees overhead, along with the rain clouds, blocked out more and more of the light.

Turning to head back to the cabin lest they run into some kind of animal trouble, Leah tried to regroup her thoughts. “To answer your first question, I don’t think God is scary. In fact, right now, He’s offering me the only real comfort I can find. I know He loves me. I know He has my life in His hands, just as He had your mama and Jacob and Jayce. He’s good, Christopher. Even in bad times, when we think He’s stolen what we love the most. He’s good, and He loves us.”

“Leah, you’ve been real good to me and Oliver. We love you a lot.”

She smiled and put her arm around Christopher’s shoulder. It wouldn’t be that long before he shot past her in height. “I know you do, and I love you too.”

“You’ve been doing stuff for us like Mama would do.

You’ve been helping us and helping Pa. I want to help you. You’re being like a ma to me. I guess I want to help be like a papa to Wills and Merry. I know I’m not a real pa, but I want to play with them and keep them safe. I just want you to know that I’ll do that for you.”

Leah couldn’t keep the tears from her eyes. She pulled Christopher close and hugged him for a long time. He didn’t pull away or act embarrassed; instead, he wrapped his arms around her and held on to her as though his life depended on it.

After several moments Leah spoke as she pulled away. “That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever offered me. Thank you, Christopher. I’d be very proud to have you show the twins that kind of love.”

“I just don’t want them to be sad,” Christopher replied. “I don’t want them to miss their papa like I miss my mama. I don’t want them to hurt in their heart when they grow up and wonder why he went away.”

Helaina sat at the table staring at the same piece of sewing that she’d struggled with all morning. Malcolm slept soundly by the fire in a beautiful cradle Adrik had brought from the storage building, while the twins were with Leah in the kitchen. Leah had decided to give them some dough to play with, and Helaina could hear them laughing.

“This is a waste of time,” she said, throwing down the material.

“What’s the matter?” Leah asked, coming to the table.

“What isn’t? Nothing is right. Nothing will ever be right again.” She got up and shoved the chair in so hard that it hit the table and rocked backward. Teetering for just a moment, the chair finally fell forward into place.

Leah seemed surprised by Helaina’s outburst, but Helaina had no desire to apologize. They were all being so very good…. They were all so very calm. It wasn’t human. It was completely contrived.

“I don’t feel content or comforted,” she replied. “I know God has absolute control of this matter, but that’s what grieves me most. He has control and yet this … this abomination has happened.”

Leah nodded. “I know.”

“You can’t possibly or you’d feel the same way,” Helaina ranted, knowing the words were unfair even as she spoke them.

“Just because I’m not throwing a temper tantrum in front of you doesn’t mean I don’t feel the same way. I have plenty to say to God in private. Right now I’m trying hard not to say it in front of everyone else.”

“But why? Are we Christians not to feel? Can we not hurt and suffer and admit to such things? Will doing so somehow decrease or invalidate God’s sovereignty and love and put our faith in doubt?” Helaina paced to the hearth and stared down at her son. “I am a widow for the second time. I vowed never to marry again in order to never again suffer this pain. I thought God understood. I thought He cared, and yet I cannot see how He could and still let this all happen to me. I’m confused, Leah. I don’t understand this at all.”

Leah stood and hesitantly reached out and took hold of Helaina’s hands. The sticky warm dough that still clung to Leah’s fingers seemed to knit them together. “I don’t understand either,” Leah admitted. “But, Helaina, what else can we do?”

Helaina looked away. “I’m lost and so alone, Leah. I’m awash on a sea of my own creation. A sea of tears and sorrow so deep that I will surely drown.”

“You aren’t lost, Helaina. He knows where you are—He’s right here with us. And you aren’t alone. I’m in this with you. You are my sister, remember?”

“We were sisters. We were sisters only because I married your brother.”

“No,” Leah said shaking her head slowly, “we are sisters first in God. And second, we are sisters in heart. My heart is bound to you—not just because of Jacob. You befriended me and helped me so much when Jacob and Jayce were in the Arctic. Will you abandon me now?”

Helaina embraced Leah tightly. “No! I will never abandon you. I’m sorry if I made it sound otherwise. Oh, Leah, I know that you care for me and for Malcolm. I know that. I’m sorry to make it sound so trivial.”

Leah pulled away. “I know your heart. But more importantly, He knows our hearts. He’s all we have right now. I won’t turn from Him in hopes that something or someone else might offer better refuge. I know from experience that they won’t.”

Helaina nodded. “I know that too. I want to be strong, Leah, but it’s just so hard. When the officials came and said that the recovery of bodies had begun, I wanted to die. When they said they would send Jacob and Jayce back to us once certain identification could be had, I wanted to scream. How could they sit there so calm and indifferent? There was no more emotion than if they were reading the inventory for the store.”

“I know, but what would you have them do? Weep and cry out? We were already doing enough of that for everyone.” Leah squared her shoulders. “We can’t give up on life. We have children who need us. We have others who need us as well. We cannot grow bitter and hateful.”

“Bitterness is something that seems to come quite naturally to me in times of disaster,” Helaina replied. “I shall count on you to help me avoid its fetters.”

“And I’ll rely on you to help me avoid the shackles of hopelessness,” Leah replied. “Both would see us prisoner, and neither would do a thing to keep us alive and well. Now come on. I need some help bringing in firewood. The twins are busy and Malcolm is sleeping. I don’t think we’ll have a better opportunity.”

Helaina cast a quick glance at her son and nodded. “Let’s go.”

They opened the door to find Adrik on the other side. His hand was extended as though he were about to take hold of the door latch. Leah jumped back, startled, but Helaina held fast, captured by Adrik’s expression. He was stunned by their appearance, but there was something in his countenance that suggested an entirely different matter.

“What are you doing here? It’s only midday,” Helaina said.

“I … I … that is … I came to share something,” Adrik said, stumbling over his words.

“What is it, Adrik?” Leah asked. “We were just going out for more wood.”

“I think you’d both better sit down,” he said softly. Moving forward, he turned the women toward the front room.

“Why?” Leah asked. “What have you heard?” Her face grew ashen, and she put her hand to her swollen abdomen. Adrik helped her to the couch.

Helaina felt almost numb. What could Adrik possible say that could be worse than what they’d already endured? “What’s happened?” she finally asked.

“Just sit.” Adrik motioned her to take the place beside Leah. “I promise you won’t regret this surprise.”

Just then the door pushed back in full, and in walked Jacob, followed by Jayce. Helaina’s hand went to her throat as she choked back a cry.

“We didn’t know how else to tell you,” Adrik said. “They just arrived, and we ran all the way to get here.”

Leah shook her head back and forth as if seeing a ghost. Jayce came to kneel down beside her. “It’s all right. I’m home. I’m here.”

Helaina was on her feet. She threw herself into Jacob’s arms. He smelled of sweat and fish, but she didn’t care. She didn’t know how this miracle had taken place.

“Papa!” Wills bounded across the room with Merry right behind him. “Papa!” He squealed and dove toward Jayce.

Helaina could see it all from where she stood. It was like something from a dream. She pulled back and stared into the face of her exhausted husband. “They said there were no survivors. No survivors.”

“There were no survivors on the
Princess Sophia,
” Jacob admitted. “We weren’t on the
Princess Sophia
.”

“But why? You telegraphed that you would be.”

Helaina turned to look at Jayce and noted he had his left arm in a sling. Leah sat beside him in stunned silence. “What happened?”

“We had just finished eating and had plans to head over to a place where I’d been told I could buy some nice handwork. I wanted to get you a gift,” Jacob said, smiling. “We were just crossing the street when a team of draft horses broke away from their driver. Jayce pushed me out of the way, but he was knocked unconscious—broke his arm as well. I carried him over to the doctor’s office, and by the time he regained consciousness and was well enough to travel, the
Sophia
had already sailed.”

“We were upset to say the least,” Jayce picked up the story. “There wasn’t another ship due in for over a week. I didn’t want to wait that long but figured we had no choice. By that time the telegraph office was closed for the night, so we went back to our hotel and went to bed. Come morning our efforts were again thwarted when they informed us that the telegraph wasn’t working due to the bad snowstorm that came in.”

Jacob continued. “So we made arrangements to book passage on the next available ship. We didn’t find out about the
Princess Sophia
until a small fishing vessel came into port and announced the sinking. We knew you’d be sick with worry, but no one seemed to be able to help us. That’s when Jayce hit upon an idea.”

“What idea?” Helaina asked, looking to Jayce.

“We hired that same fishing vessel for an outrageous amount of money to get us as far as he could. He took us to Juneau. We had to stop several times because of the weather, but we finally made it. From there we tried again to send a telegram, but it seemed that three hundred other people were trying to do the same thing, and the only ones being allowed were related to the rescue and recovery efforts for the
Princess Sophia
. We left our money and message, and they told us they would get it out as soon as possible.”