All Balls and Glitter (39 page)

In general, the 2008 season had a really different atmosphere behind the scenes, because it was more fun-loving than most years. The only spanner in the works was John Sergeant, who, in my opinion, wasn’t the most loved or embraced person backstage – but that may have been because the rest of the contestants were all luvvies, and he wasn’t. Unlike actors who give up their identities, and sportspeople who are known as themselves, journalists never reveal who they really are. They can be cunning in order to extract information from you and may pretend to be your best friend, then they go away and write something vile.

My own experience with journalists has not always been good. There was one, Petronella Wyatt, who came to do an article for the
Daily Mail
and befriended me, but only to encourage me to say something she could use as a headline – which turned out to be: ‘I hate ballroom – and the judges love make-up.’ What I actually said was that I hate the rules and regulations that ballroom has, in comparison to my theatre choreography.

One of her sentences started out really nicely and then stabbed me in the back. ‘One on one, Craig is charming, friendly and has an attractive face, with cobalt eyes full of puckish mischief. But Stalin could be charming, too.’ Nice!

I always call
Strictly
‘my Saturday girl job’, but the more high profile it makes me, the more I can do for different organizations. That autumn, I became heavily involved with the National Osteoporosis Society (NOS). The reason I got involved initially was because my mum suffers from arthritis and bone trouble – although those problems are not directly related to osteoporosis. I’d also thought that it would be an extremely worthy charity, especially considering my line of work.

The NOS love having me on board because I really believe in the cause and I’m up there gunning for it. As well as creating the ‘Boogie For Your Bones’ routine, which promoted dance to kids nationwide as an ideal form of exercise to strengthen bones, I was also Mr September in the charity’s Really Naked Calendar 2009. Joanna Lumley, Michael Parkinson, Bruce Forsyth and loads of other celebs participated – but don’t worry, I didn’t strip off. It was an X-ray calendar with a lovely picture of my hip bone!

I also rubbed shoulders on countless occasions with the charity’s president, Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cornwall (oh, the circles I move in!). Grant and I had dinner at Clarence House at the beginning of December. It was one of the busiest days of my life, but it was quite typical of my schedule at the time. I had interviews with the press for
Strictly
in the morning, rehearsals for
Sunset
in the afternoon (which was midway through its West End transfer, having been such a smash at the Watermill), then I had to change into my suit at 4.30 to do Claudia’s show
It Takes Two
, and then on to the charity event in the evening.

I have to say, it was fab-u-lous: I was on the top table with all the people who had donated millions to the NOS, including businesswoman Ann Gloag, who owns a whole train company! Camilla was absolutely adorable: gracious, witty and great fun.

I had the pleasure of her company again only a short while later. Three days before
Sunset
opened in the West End, I
presented a snippet from the musical
Jersey Boys
at the Royal Variety Performance. Afterwards, during the line-up backstage, where the Royal Family meet all the performers, the Duchess leaned over to me and joked, ‘We have to stop meeting like this.’ I replied, ‘I know, darling, twice in two weeks. It’s too much!’

Less than 72 hours later,
Sunset
Boulevard
opened at the Comedy Theatre on 15 December 2008. The opening night was fantastic. Loads of people from
Strictly
came. Bruno and Arlene were there, as well as contestant Mark Foster and professionals Ian Waite and Karen Hardy. The performance went amazingly well: there was a standing ovation and people just raved. When I stood up in the box, suddenly the whole theatre turned towards me and started clapping. I couldn’t believe it. I felt like the Queen! Straight afterwards, I was mobbed by the audience, and the reviews the next day were glowing. It got four stars in every paper and everyone loved it.

Time Out
commented: ‘Craig Revel Horwood’s small-scale revival is a distinct improvement on the original.’ And Michael Billington, in
The Guardian
, said, ‘The main discovery is that inside Lloyd Webber’s big belter of a musical, there is a smaller, more dramatic show that has been waiting for years to be let out.’

David Willetts, who used to play the Phantom in
The
Phantom of the Opera
, took on the role of Norma’s manservant Max in the West End. He was superb … so much so that he was nominated for Best Supporting Actor at the Olivier Awards. In addition, our wonderful leading lady, Kathryn Evans, was nominated as Best Actress. I was so pleased for her. What a comeback!

We also received nominations for Best Musical Revival and Best Company Performance. It was gratifying to get such a stamp of approval on the show. We were all absolutely delighted with the recognition.

Sunset
led to a new and exciting venture when the musical director, Sarah Travis, and I decided to set up our own company,
Acid Clutch Productions. Our intention is to take the actor/musician genre to new levels and to make shows accessible to everyone. In these difficult financial times, it makes sense to pare down, without compromising the integrity or quality of the productions we wish to present. The enterprise is scary because we are investing our own money, which is a big risk, but I’ve always said: if you don’t risk, you don’t gain. I’m prepared to risk a lot because I know I have talent; if I end up in the gutter, I will always claw my way back somehow.

Just five days after
Sunset
’s incredible first night, it was the last night of
Strictly Come Dancing
2008. The bizarre thing about the semi-final voting cock-up was that Tom Chambers, who was guaranteed to be in the dance-off in the semis, emerged as the triumphant champion in the final. He thoroughly deserved it, though, on the night.

If you judged from beginning to end that season, and factored in who’d danced the best over the whole period, and who was the most consistent and technically the best dancer, then Rachel Stevens should have won. In my professional opinion, Rachel was the better dancer – but she did a not-so-hot show number as her final dance, whereas Tom’s was a real show-stopper. For merit, on the night of the final, the best person was undoubtedly Tom.

The new year saw a new
Strictly
tour beginning. Taking part was my old sparring partner Julian Clary, about which I was slightly nervous.

As it turned out, however, I had a blast touring with Julian. We had started to patch up our differences when we’d bumped into each other in Camden a few years before, but it took the tour for us to become firm friends.

In one of the hotels we stayed in, we were given a VIP bar, where we could go for free drinks in a private setting, and while we were there, I said to Julian, ‘Let’s have a drink tonight.’ There we had our first proper, social get-together and we found each other really rather interesting. He’s now on my dinner-party guest list!

Of course, in front of the audience, we had to keep up appearances as the feuding, bitching queens … and the crowd loved it. The trouble was that I was trying to keep a straight face the whole time, but Julian would crack me up to the point of uncontrollable giggles.

In the show, I would call him ‘limp, lame, lacklustre’ as I had on the TV programme – only this time, when it came to his samba, I added ‘ludicrous’, because that’s exactly what it was. Julian would always come back with something hilarious. At one point, he said, ‘That’s rich coming from an Australian drag queen.’ He’d read this book and then used everything against me!

Julian is really quiet backstage, but once he gets out there, there’s no stopping him. He had the audience in hysterics. His dance partner, Lilia Kopylova, was also amazing. When they made their entrance each night, he used to do a little mime to suggest she’d been on the vodka. She acted brilliantly as his foil and I saw a completely different side to her. They should do a double act.

Also on the tour were Kenny Logan, Gethin Jones, Jodie Kidd, Tom Chambers, Rachel Stevens, series-two winner Jill Halfpenny, and Cherie Lunghi. Cherie loves the dancing and we love her. She’s professional to the core and really funny: she comes out with some sparkling one-liners. Bruno came with us too this time, because there was no
Dance Wars
, so all four judges were there.

The tour really brought home how well known the judges’ catchphrases are. The audiences were so responsive. I would say, ‘I have one word for it and it starts with “F”,’ and 16,000 people would say, ‘Fab-u-lous!’ I nearly died the first time that happened. Oh, the power of television! It’s bizarre. Scary. Len’s ‘SeVEN!’ is always a winner too. Len brought the house down on tour with that score, because he always saved it until last – for Julian Clary. ‘Seven’ used to get booed, but everyone adores it now.

Camilla Dallerup resigned from
Strictly
after series six. Her last dance was while we were on tour. Everyone gave her a ten, except me; I awarded a nine. I thought nothing of it until after
the show, when Len came up to me backstage and gave me a massive bollocking for being so mean. He went on to remind me that it was her last night on
Strictly
ever and the least I could have done was give her a ten.

My heart sank. I felt so bad, as it would have been such a great score for her to go out on: a perfect 40. The situation had completely slipped my mind when I was out there on the stage judging.
C’est la vie
. She danced wonderfully, and did so throughout the many series. I will miss her courageous choreography on the show and her bubbly personality.

As a result of the voting cock-up in the TV series, the BBC changed the voting system for the tour. The judges’ scores served as a guide, but had no impact on who won or lost. The audience had the ultimate power.

I always find it incredible how tightly scrutinized the voting is. There’s always an official to oversee the counting. I don’t think people realize how serious a business it is backstage. It’s a humungous operation.

On tour, Rachel won the most shows, Gethin won about six times and Kenny won six times too. Even Julian Clary won on a couple of occasions. He used the most outrageous ruses to win over the audiences, saying that he was from Glasgow, his mother was ill and that he’d never won anything in his life, ever. Whenever he won, after begging for votes, he would make this horrendously long speech.

‘I’d like to thank wardrobe, I’d like to thank Swarovski crystals, the team behind me, catering; I’d like to thank my agent, Lilia’s agent; I’d like to thank the band …’ (he went on to name them all individually). Then he ended on, ‘But ultimately, I’d like to thank Kate Winslet.’ He was brilliantly funny.

When we played in Glasgow, Kenny, of course, won every single show, even though he was the second worst dancer next to Julian. The Scots are very patriotic and the booing and screaming had never been so loud. We had a piper on stage as a special treat,
and he played ‘Flower of Scotland’ for Kenny’s waltz. That brought the house down.

I hated his waltz, naturally, and I despised his paso doble, which I gave a three because he stomped around like a lunatic and was pulling his kilt up the whole time, showing off his legs. I commented, ‘That sort of lascivious behaviour may be acceptable in the Scottish Highlands, but it’s hardly acceptable on the ballroom floor.’ The boos were deafening.

While in Glasgow, the
Strictly
gang decided that we would go for a night on the razz. I turned up at this bar to find Kenny armed with two bottles of vodka, with pouring spouts, freepouring down everybody’s throats. He sat me down, pushed my head back and started pouring Grey Goose down my neck – I felt a bit like a force-fed goose myself.

Everyone was on the Grey Goose and it just got messy, messy, messy. My lovely cousin Logan and his wife Angela, who now live in Edinburgh, came along to meet everyone, and brought their friends, David and Katie, along too. Katie has, shall I say, a fairly ample bosom. At one point, I filled her cleavage up with vodka and then stuck my head in there and drank it all out. My whole face was covered in vodka; her whole dress was saturated. Thank God for the smoking ban – Lord only knows what would have happened if someone had lit a match!

We were all dancing, everyone was snogging everyone, and it was one of those insane nights. Kenny was doing this power lift with Ola and spinning her around – and then Gethin tried to do it with Lilia, but dropped her. Gethin’s other half Katherine Jenkins was there too; she was taking photographs of this outrageous behaviour as we all crashed towards four in the morning, when a few of us ended up in McDonald’s to soak up some of the vodka.

Katherine proceeded to miss her plane home the next morning – because she had put the camera film in for developing at the Boots in the airport, and the pictures hadn’t come back by the
time her flight was called. She decided she couldn’t possibly leave evidence of our debauched evening in the chemist, so she valiantly missed her plane to protect our honour!

The next morning, however – to my horror – I discovered all these pictures of that night on Facebook. I nearly died. I was straight on the phone to the perpetrator, saying, ‘Take those down
now
. They could end up in the
News of the World
!’

A month or so later, on the other side of the world, another vodka night ended in disaster. I was judging on the New Zealand show
Dancing with the Stars
again. As is my habit, I had picked up two litres of vodka when I flew into the country. On this particular night, I invited the presenters, Jason Gunn and Candy Lane, the assistant producer Erina Ellis and the producer Debra Kelleher round to my flat. After a few vodkas (not many, I hasten to add), we decided to go into town.

We were walking past a supermarket car park when poor Erina tripped over not one, but two, concrete blocks. After the first one, she saved herself, but the second one sent her sprawling and she landed flat on her face. There was blood gushing everywhere. Because she was flailing about after the first trip, she didn’t get her arms out to break her fall and she cut her face and nearly broke her nose.