All Falls Down (48 page)

"They weren't," I say, and I'm crying too. Tears slip silently down my cheeks. "Everything was so bad, but no one ever came to see me or check on me, and I believed Toby. It was so easy to believe him when he said that you guys didn't want me here and would be better off without me, that I was a burden. My own mom left me. Why would anyone else want me when she didn't?"

"Oh, Savannah." Lexi reaches out and pulls me into a tight hug. "Your mom didn't leave because of you. She left because she was messed up, and because she knew Mom and Daddy could do more for you than she ever could. You were going to the best school and making straight A's. You were happy. That doesn't justify what she did, but she didn't leave because of you."

"I know." I sniffle. I do know that now… or at least I'm working on it. My mom left me because she was screwed up, not because of me. She left me, and it wasn't my fault. Just like what Toby did wasn't my fault, or what Stewart did. I was collateral damage, and I didn't deserve any of it.

Lexi and I cling to one another and cry for a long time. I think we both need the release, and it feels good to do it together. To purge ourselves of the tension and resentment that's grown between us since I came home. It's nice to forgive her and realize that maybe she's been as messed up as I have. To realize that maybe, just maybe, I'm not broken beyond repair. I have a long way to go, I know that, but I don't have to go the distance by myself. I don't have to struggle alone this time, trying to tape myself together so no one notices how messed up I really am.

Maybe… just maybe, I'm allowed to grieve for everything I've lost instead of blaming myself.

I spend the next two days in the hospital, recovering from a serious infection and my injuries. But I'm not alone this time. Kit and Lexi and Madeline are there, and so are Chris and Demetri. They visit me every day, taking shifts sitting with me. The only person missing is Jared. I'm desperate to see him again, to talk to him, but when he doesn't come… I'm not sure what to think.

"Are you really coming home?" Maddi asks me while Kit and Lexi pack up my belongings for Chris and Demetri to carry to the car.

"Yes." I smile at her.

"To stay?" she asks.

"For now," I say. I'm not sure if I'll go back to my apartment or not. I haven't decided yet. Not because I don't belong at the mansion or don't have a choice, but because the choice is actually mine this time. I have options, and places to go. For once, I get to decide what I want.

And I want to talk to Jared before I make that decision. I
have
to talk to him first.

Maddi pouts at me, making it clear she doesn't approve of this plan.

"You can always come spend time with me," I say, tugging on one of her ringlets. Her hair is growing back so fast now. It's still short and fuzzy on that side, but little more than a sliver of her scar shows through.

Her eyes light up and she grins at me.

"You ready to get the hell outta here?" Chris asks me when he comes back for the last load of flowers and balloons the girls have forced on me.

"God, yes." If I never see a hospital room again, it'll be too soon.

"Cool." He shoots me a grin and ducks back out of the room.

Kit tries to force me into a wheelchair, but I refuse. I'm walking out on my own.

She grumbles at me but stops arguing when I tell her that.

We ride down in the elevators in a big group. Chris teases Maddi who glares at him and sticks her tongue out. Demetri watches the two of them with a soft smile on his face. Kit laughs at them, and gets pulled into the middle. Lexi and I just stand there and watch. A weight has finally been lifted from her shoulders, giving her a little peace. I know it's been hard for her and the girls since they learned the truth about Stewart, but they're coping. I think knowing it's really over has given them all a little peace.

The sun shines brightly when we make it outside.

I close my eyes and stand quietly for a minute, just soaking it in.

"Come on," Kit says, nudging me. "You can sunbathe at home."

Home… I actually have two of those now.

How weird is that?

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Sing

My stomach drops when we pull through the gates of the mansion and I see Jared's car sitting in the driveway. I still don't know where things stand between us, or why he hasn't been back to see me.

The thought of never seeing him again still hurts, still wrecks me. I'm in love with him. So much so I can't imagine the rest of my life without him. I don't
want
to imagine it. I know I still have so much to deal with, but I want to do it with him by my side, not because he holds me together, but because, even though he's seen all of my scars, he still fell in love with me. He still believed I was priceless, and made me want to believe it, too. He taught me to soar, and never once tried to drag me back down to the ground or hold me back.

He loved me when I was broken, and let me love him, too.

If that's not worth fighting for, I don't know what is.

Kit pulls in beside his car and parks. "I'll keep everyone away and give you guys some time," she murmurs as if she knows where my head is at.

I shoot her a grateful smile and drag myself from the car. My heart is in my throat as I make my way toward the guesthouse. I know he's waiting for me there. I can feel him inside, like the connection between us never went away even though I did. Even though I ran.

My steps are heavy on the porch, but he doesn't come out to meet me.

I take a deep breath and let myself in.

Jared is standing in the middle of the room, toying with a little glass ballerina from the entertainment stand. He's dressed in jeans and a green button down. His hair is a mess. And those eyes – I get sucked into them the minute he lifts them to mine.

"Hi," he whispers, setting the ballerina back down on the entertainment stand.

"Hi." I shove the door closed.

We just stare at each other for a long time.

One minute passes. And then two. Three.

"Is it over?" I blurt, unable to stand the silence any longer. I've been agonizing over this moment for so long, and I just want to get it over with. If this is really it, I want him to put me out of my misery now.

His eyes widen. "What?"

"Are you – are you done with me?" I ask. The words are tense and strained. "I know you're angry with me. Wondering whether you still want to be with me is killing me."

"Angry with you?" He takes a step toward me and then stops, his brow scrunched up. "I'm not angry with you, beautiful girl."

"No? It certainly seems like you are. You haven't been to see me since I woke up. You just walked out." I take a deep breath, refusing to cry this time. "So if this is your way of letting me know that you don't want to be with me, I get it, okay?"

"Savannah–"

"But I want you to know that I'm still in love with you. I think I always will be. You've given me so much, and I can't ever repay that. I will always be grateful to you for what you've done for me – for reminding me that I'm strong and worthy of love, and that I deserve to be cherished. And I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of my life without you when every part of me wants you, but I'll figure out a way if that's what you want."

"Savannah–"

"I just want to know why, though. I know I'm a basket case, and maybe I always will be, but I'm working on it. I'm in therapy, trying to get better, to find myself again and learn how to be strong. Did I destroy any chance I had when I ran away? Did you change your mind? Do you not want me anymore? Are you–?"

I'm still rambling when he crosses the room and drags me into his arms. He kisses me hard, his mouth working against mine as if he's going to die if he doesn't kiss me right this instant. And I don't know what that means, but I kiss him back. His lips feel so good beneath mine. They're soft and hard and so sweet.

I've missed him, God, I've missed him so much.

He breaks away, panting.

Blood rushes in my ears in a dull roar.

"I love you," he whispers, cupping my face in his hands. His eyes burn that fierce green color I love so much. The one that makes me melt and ignites me at the same time. "Do you hear me? I. Love. You."

"O-kay?"

"I'm so fucking in love with you, Savannah Martin. I can't think straight. I can't sleep. You're all I think about. You're all I ever think about, and I don't want to stop. Even after everything you've been through lately, all I want to do is strip you bare right here and make love to you until you can't move, beautiful girl. I need to be inside you so badly it hurts. How do you not know that?" He shakes his head back and forth, seeming as if he really doesn't understand. "How can you think for even a second that I don't want you?"

"I haven't seen you," I whisper. "You just walked out–"

"Savannah," he sighs, pulling me into his arms. His heart hammers beneath my ear. "I needed to take care of a few things for you."

"Oh. What things?"

"Toby, for one," he says. "He'll never bother you again. If he ever steps foot on United States soil again, he'll go to jail to await trial for assaulting you, and for attempted murder for Maddi."

"He will?" I pull away so I can see Jared's face.

"It's what you wanted," he says, shrugging as if ensuring this for me is no big deal. He has no idea how wrong he is about that though, because to me, it's everything.

"You're serious? He can't ever come back here?"

"Never, beautiful girl," Jared promises. "You never have to be afraid of him or worry about him again."

I'm free. Really and truly free.

I fling myself at him and kiss him hard. I think this is the best gift he's ever given me.

He kisses me back, his hands in my hair, holding me to him.

Within moments, the heat between us flashes to steam. My hands are all over him, and I can't seem to stop myself. I don't want to stop myself. It's been seven long weeks since I last touched him. Seven long, agonizing weeks.

"Wait, beautiful girl," he whispers when I start lifting his shirt, trying to get it off of him. He grabs my hands in his, pulling them away from his body.

I groan, reluctantly breaking away from him.

"I need you to know something," he says, bringing my hands to his lips to brush kisses across my knuckles. And then he meets my gaze again. "I never intended to marry Lexi."

"I know."

"Do you?" He examines my face, searching for something. The truth, maybe.

"I thought–" I sigh. "When I saw the announcement, I thought maybe you put it in my mailbox. That you were really going to marry her, and that was your way of telling me. I came here… I don't know why I came. I wanted to stop you. I wanted to see for myself. I wanted–" What did I want when I came here? "I wanted you to see me," I say carefully. "I wanted you to know how much it hurt to think that you'd forgotten me. That you were going to marry her."

"Savannah," he whispers, sadness twisting through his expression.

"I was so angry at you, Jared. I left and you just let me go, and I shouldn't blame you for that when it was my fault, but I did blame you. I wanted you to stop me. I wanted you to come for me. But you didn't. You just let me go." Tears pool in my eyes. "I wanted to hate you for that. No one ever fights to keep me, and I thought you were different, but you didn't come. I was a wreck for weeks, and you never even tried to see me. What was I supposed to think?"

"I did see you, beautiful girl," he whispers, reaching up to wipe my tears away. "I saw you every single day. I sat outside Kit's dorm and your apartment, just waiting for you to step outside so I could see you. And when I was here, you were everywhere. You were tormenting me, Savannah, and I didn't want you to stop."

I stare at him, stunned. He was there? He saw me?

"It took everything in me to let you go, but I had to do it. I needed you to be safe while I finished things at T.I. so I could bring you back home. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you what we were doing. I thought if you didn't know what we were planning, you wouldn't worry. That you wouldn't know until it was over, and you wouldn't be in the middle. You'd be safe, and I could end this for you. Seeing you blame yourself for Maddi killed me, Savannah. You were broken, and that was my fault. I never wanted you to feel that way again. But then you showed up here anyway, and I saw the way you looked at me. It hurt to realize you thought I was really going to marry Lexi. How could you not know how fucking much I love you?"