All I Want Is Forever (10 page)

CHAPTER TWELVE

“D, he’s here.”

“Thanks, Jonathan.  Send him back.”

“Go on back Kane.  He’s waiting for you,” Jonathan said hanging up the phone.

Kane stepped inside the studio.  The smell of Italian leather filled the room like incense.

“Why’d you come?”  DJ asked as he spun around in his chair.

“To be honest I don’t know.  I wanted to go back to sleep for real, but I ended up looking at that piece of paper you left.  Then I asked mama for a Bible and read whatever it was…James…”

“James 2:14-17.”

“Yeah, that.  Afterwards, I rolled back over and pulled the covers over my head, but every time I closed my eyes they would open back up.  Then I got this crazy feeling in the pit of my stomach and something kept telling me to move.  It was weird,” Kane admitted.   “I felt like I
had
to be here even though I tried to convince myself that I didn’t want to come.  Shit, we both know that the studio is like a SafePlace for me.  I don’t have to worry about the pressures of the world tugging on me when I’m here.  You don’t ask me to make no deliveries, cook no work, and I don’t have to watch my back.  All I have to do is step in front of a mic and wait for you to press record.  Reading that stuff from the Bible did something to me, man.  It was like I had an
a-ha
moment.  I finally understood what you meant by faith without works is dead.”

“
You got it!  You see, once you go to Him, He’ll get your attention and speak to you personally and directly.  K, you already put in the work.  You just had to step out of that basement on faith.  You showing up here today lets me know that you’re willing and this is prove that He’s able.  While you were out there tripping trying to figure out how you were going to survive with no ends, God had already worked it out.”

“What are you talking about?”

DJ removed the envelope from his desk drawer.

“
All that’s required is a mustard seed of faith,” DJ said sliding the envelope across the table.

“What is this?”  Kane asked.  He opened the envelope and pulled out the contents.  “D!  What is this?”

“It’s the product of your hard work mixed with a lil’ faith.”

“Son, stop playing with me.”

“I’m not playing, K.  It’s real.”

Kane dropped to his knees in tears.  “Thank You, God.  Thank You.”

***

“Denise,
it happened.  He cried and started thanking God in the middle of the studio.”

“That’s amazing! 
It’s true.  Every knee shall bow and every tongue will confess.  Wow, that’s awesome.”

“No, baby, that’s God.”

“Amen,” Denise agreed.

“How were things at the office for you?”

“It was cool.  Mrs. Judy came in and vented about how she’s been feeling about the situation with her and Helen.  Said that her spirit was convicting her and all she kept hearing was the scripture about not loving your brother or sister whom you see every day, but saying you love God whom you’ve never seen.”

“That’s deep.”

“I know.  I feel like there’s something I should do, but I don’t know what it is.”

“So, maybe you’re not supposed to do anything.  Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing we can do.  Every battle is not ours to fight.”

“I know, but you didn’t see Mrs. Judy’s face today.  I really felt what she was feeling.  It was scary.”

“The best thing you can do for Ju
dy and Helen is to let God work it out.  What they’re going through or have gone through has been going on for years.  It’s not something you can resolve overnight or in a few days.  Give it some time.  He’ll work it out.  He always does.”

Denise undressed and put on her bathrobe.

“You’re right.  You always are.  I’m going to hop in the shower.  See you in a minute,” she said kissing DJ on the cheek.

“Okay, hurry up.  You’re going to miss the end of Law & Order and this is a good one.”

Denise shook her head.  “You are something else.  I remember there was a time I couldn’t get you to even watch a preview of Law & Order.”

“You keeping
record, Denise?”

“No
.”

“S
ounds like it.”

“I can’t hear you!”  She yelled with a huge smile plastered across her face. 

Denise turned on the shower and stepped in.

DJ cleared off the bed while waiting for Denise to finish.  He looked at the family portrait
hanging on the wall.

It was all worth it.  Everything that I had to go through to get here was worth it.

DJ placed Denise’s pajamas on her side of the bed then went to the kitchen to pour her a glass of soda.  The phone rang and he answered it.

“Hey, daddy.”

“Hey son.  What’s going on?”

“Not too much.  I got a text from Denise today and thought I’d call you guys to see how you were.”

“That was nice.  We’re actually doing okay.  Working…always working.”

“Aw, okay. 
That’s the story of y’all’s life.”

“You ain’t lying about that.”

They laughed.

“H
ave you talked to the girls?”

“Not in a couple of weeks.  You?”

“Yeah, they hit me up on Instagram.”

DJ
sighed.  “I should’ve known.”

“
I’m not on there that much, daddy.  I have studying to do now.”

“That’s good to know.  I was wondering when you was going to outgrow social media.”

“I didn’t say I outgrew it, just that I don’t have a lot of time for it.”

“Either way, I’m glad.”

Evan laughed.  “You are something else.  Okay, dad.  I’m not going to keep you.  I just wanted to call and check on you guys.  Tell Denise I said hi and I’ll see y’all next week.”

“Alright.  Love you, son.”

“Love you, too, dad.”

DJ put the Pepsi back in the refrigerator and hurried down the hallway.

“MAN!  I just knew I was going to catch you before you got dressed.”

“You’re so nasty,” she laughed.

“Evan called.”

“Really?  How is he?”

“He’s good.  Said he was calling to check on us.”

“Did he say if he got my text or not?”

“Yep.  That’s what prompted the call.”

“Again, no calls
are good news,” she smiled.

“I agree.  This is for you,” he said handing her the glass in his hand.

“You do love me,” she joked.

“This is all you get, missy.  No more
soda till the weekend.  It’s a shame that I have to monitor your caffeine intake.”

“Don’t judge me, DJ.”

Denise sat the glass on the bedside table then climbed into bed.  

DJ lay beside her and muted the television.  He slid close and wrapped his arm around her
and kissed her forehead.

Denise began to speak in a monotone. 
“When we, as people, reflect on the things that we’ve done in the past before reaching a certain point of happiness in our lives we oftentimes say,
if I had of known
or
I wish I wouldn’t have done
, but the truth is none of us really know what God’s plans are for us and until our plans align with His will, there’ll always be those thoughts that enter our minds.”  She turned to face him.

“
I thank God daily that my plans weren’t His plans. I thank God daily that what has happened in our lives happened when they did because if they hadn’t then maybe we wouldn’t be together today. I’m so grateful for your love. You are truly the definition of God opening up the windows of heaven and pouring (me) out a blessing that I wouldn’t have room enough to receive and I am living in the overflow…an overflow of love.”

“Baby…”
he whined.

Denise placed her finger
against his lips.

“Shhh…let me finish.  As rib of your rib and
Ruth to your Boaz, I just want you to know that I appreciate you. I appreciate your hard work:  long hours, time away from loved ones, and effort. I appreciate your perseverance and determination. I appreciate your character and your integrity and I applaud you.  I applaud your struggles and your successes, your strengths and your weaknesses, your motivation and your dedication and your desire and drive. You are the epitome of a man, but not just any man, you’re my man.  I just wanted to take a second to tell you that there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t smile at the thought of you and I being together as husband and wife; partners for life.”

“So, you’re a rapper now?”

“SHHH! Serious moment here.”

“Okay,
my bad.  Please finish.”

“I was saying,” she paused as she propped her head up with her hand.  “
I thank God for
every
broken heart and
every
ounce of abuse that I had to suffer through before He exchanged my beauty for ashes. His love for me through you has been the greatest healing balm I’ve ever known. I am truly grateful. Thank you. You have made me
the
happiest woman in the world and I am eternally indebted to you. All I want is forever.”

“That’s all I have.”

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

The weeks flew by as Denise worked diligently to finish up her projects.  The book was completed and the Fashion Show/Book release was phenomenal.  The venue sold out and everyone seemed pleased.  Her face was glowing with excitement as she stood in the mirror, teasing her hair with the comb.

“Baby, can you believe it?”
  Denise spoke through the receiver.

“Yes, I can believe it. 
You’ve made some major accomplishments over this past month, ma’am.  You’ve signed a contract for a movie deal; you pulled off a phenomenal fashion show and book release party that was absolutely bananas.”

“No, we did that.  I couldn’t have done it without you.  We’re a team,
remember?  This is us!” 

“Not to mention,
I knew you would meet the deadline.”

“Th
e book…this is huge for me.  Publishing three books in one quarter was rough.”

“I know
, but you did it.”

“
We did it
.  I couldn’t have done it without you and that’s the honest truth.”

“
We did it
and
we
should celebrate.”

“Yes, we should.”

“Do you want me to call Helen and have her prepare something for tonight?”

“NO!  Helen and Judy are going to dinner tonight.”

“Really?”

“Yep.  Judy came in the office this morning and told me that she mailed Helen a letter in hopes that she would read it and reply.”

“Well, did she?”

“She must have.  Judy said they talked on the phone and was able to clear up a lot of misconceptions.  She said they laughed and cried and then Helen agreed to meet her for dinner.  Judy told her that she didn’t want to live life knowing she had a sister
whom she never communicated with.”

“That’s great.”

“That’s God.”

“Who is
amazingly great.”

Denise laughed.

“So, how are things at the office?”

“They’re good.  Actually, Roe just walked in and we’re about to work on these new
songs so we can submit to Quest.”

“Isn’t it crazy how things worked out with Quest?  I mean, at first she couldn’t sign them, but purchased the one track, then
called and wanted to sign them to the label anyway.”

“Yeah, babe.  We talk about that every day.”  DJ shook his head.  “You never know what’s going to happen.  Just when you think you have it all figured out.”

“Ain’t that the truth.”

“I love you and I’ll see you later tonight.”

“Later gator.”

Denise disconnected the line then called Keisha.

“TIA Enterprises, how may I direct your call?”

“Good morning, Keish.”

“Good morning, Mrs. Chatman.”

“I’m headed to the office, but can you call Monica with Bea
uty for Ashes and confirm the time?”

“Yes, ma’am.  I’m on it.”

“Thanks.  See you in a little bit.”

M
erging into traffic, Denise ended the call as she pressed play on the display screen.  She began bobbing her head to Talib Kweli’s
Prisoner of Conscious
.  As she headed towards downtown, she smiled at how good life had become despite the obstacles that were designed to make her fall.  She pressed down on the accelerator.  The engine revved quickly reaching seventy-five miles per hour.  She glanced in the rearview mirror for highway patrol before pressing down on the accelerator once again; settling at eighty-five.  Minutes later she was signaling to exit.

Denise pulled into the parking structure, killed the engine and headed towards the towering glass building of TIA. 

“Wow, that was quick.”

Denise lowered her shades and smiled.

“I think I’m going to buy stock in Mercedes.”

Keisha chuckled.  “You look really nice today, Mrs. Chatman.”

“Thank you.”  Denise twirled around in her amaranth red skirt and vest custom designed by Rita.  Her Vince Camuto heels complimented her legs as she strolled casually to her office.  She opened Outlook and scanned her inbox.

She smiled when she opened the email from Ted which read:

Good morning!

I’m so excited to be sending you this email.  Your show was a smash!  So much so that Emily Krug from New York Styles & Fashion wants to incorporate your idea with their fall collection.  Isn’t that exciting!

You rock!

In addition, I am sending you over a package.
It’s the DVD of the production.  It was erroneously delivered to me.  I opened the package, but not the contents inside.  My heart was beating so fast, as if I didn’t already know how the show ende
d


I have one request of you, if possible.  Would you send back a couple of copies for me and the girls?  If I need to pay for them just let me know how much they are and I will gladly get the money over to you. 

Well, thanks again for the opportunity and I’ll touch base with you within the next couple of weeks to see if you’ve heard anything from Emily.  Take care.

Best Regards,

Ted
________________________________________

Denise couldn’t contain her smile. 
Yes!  Yes!  Yes!

She looked at the time, grabbed her purse then headed for the
“Beauty for Ashes” conference. 

***

“Denise, thank you for coming.  We have a full house today.  These women are excited to hear what you have to say and so am I.”

“Carol, you look amazing!  Thanks for inviting me and I pray that I don’t disappoint you guys. 
I had a presentation prepared, but God was dealing with me this morning and I’ve been instructed to talk about something else.”

“I’m sure it’ll be greatly received.  Oh and your friend is here.”

“Aprile?”  Denise asked surprised.

“Yes, Aprile.  She’s seated up front.  Good luck,” Carol smiled.

Denise strolled casually to the podium, taking her place behind it.  She smiled at several women who greeted her with pleasantries.  Aprile sat with her hands folded in her lap.  She looked up.

“Thank you,” Denise mouthed.

Aprile smiled.

Denise cleared her throat as she adjusted the microphone. 
She began:

“Good morning to you all.  I would like to thank Carol for giving me this opportunity to speak to such an amazing group of women.  Thank you all for coming.  Umm, ummm,” she cleared her throat.”  “It’s not easy walking away from abusive relationships, but with God…all things are possible.  He will truly exchange you beauty for ashes.  I am evidence.  Before I begin I want to personally think my good friend and sister who came out to support me.  God loves you and so do I,” she said looking at Aprile before focusing back on the group. 

“
I’ve often wondered what makes a person mess up a perfectly good relationship. Is it because they don’t value it or because they’re so used to being in messed up relationships that it just comes naturally?  Almost second nature.

There are so many women who fall under
the category of ‘damaged goods’.  They’ve been hurt beyond repair and it’s so cliché, but true, that he’s not to blame for what the previous man (men) did, but what do you do?  Truth is, we all come with baggage and more often than not do we (women) become the byproduct of our hurtful and/or painful experiences. We tend to hold onto EVERY thing, which I’m sure has something to do with our genetic makeup, and can never let anything go.  Sometimes we don’t even try.

Strangely, our baggage becomes a part of us.  It becomes someth
ing we no longer try to discard. We tote it around like it’s our favorite shoes that we proudly hold onto, no matter how small they are.  We get used to having them there. 

Does it ever get old?

Eventually we build this wall around ourselves.  We shut out and swear off men because of all the failed relationship attempts.  We isolate ourselves from the rest of the world and think, “I won’t hurt myself.”  On the contrary, the wall doesn’t shut others out as much as it does close you in. 

So, s
he begins to “save herself.” She begins to protect herself and be her own heroine. She places her heart in a cocoon hoping that one day she’ll be able to break free and experience a real love. Until then, she continues to stay protected and no one can hurt her as long as she knows how far to lower her guard and how close to let someone come.  She’s cautious.  She knows that if she lowers her guard too far; she’ll quickly retract it for fear of being hurt again.

What do women really want?
My belief is that all women want to be loved. All women want a man whom they can call their own. All women want a man whom they feel protected and secure with. All women want a man whom they can trust.  All women want love.

The issue is
never with not knowing what women want. To a degree we are completely transparent.  However, the issue some
damaged
women have is being able to openly receive what they want when a man is willing to help her unpack the baggage that she comes with. You’re probably wondering, ‘what is she talking about’? I’ll explain.

Say a woman makes a list of all the things she wants and then l
et’s just say she gets them. She meets a man who’s caring and truly willing to love her. She meets a man who wants to be exclusively hers. She meets a man who makes her feel protected and secure whether she’s in his presence or not. She meets a man who she feels she can trust. She meets a man who, more than anything else, wants to love HER.  Now, what does she do with him?

Initially, she’s on cloud nine. She has found
her real life, Knight in Shining Armor. He’s all she’s ever hoped and dreamed of; even more. Initially, she feels like she deserves him and all that he has to offer her. Initially, she accepts him with open arms. But remember…she’s damaged beyond repair so; she begins to suspect it’s too good to be true. She suspects that he is just like the one before and refuses to let the same thing happen again.

She refuses to let him have that much access to her heart; leaving herself vulnerable and exposed.
So, what does she do?
She returns to the familiar. She returns to what she knows. She returns to her safe haven because this is something she’s never had so she doesn’t truly know what to do with it. She looks for reasons “why” and looks for “familiar” actions to validate her suspicions. She looks for ways to sabotage what she really wants.

For some women this is real. For some women this is a never ending cycle. For some women it’s going to take a man who recognizes that
though she’s damaged goods, she is undeniably an angel whose wings have been clipped by a perfectly dressed decoy and is willing to help her unpack her baggage and stay through her healing process.

For her it’s going to take a man whose will to love can penetrate through her chrysalis cocoon without piercing or causing anymore trauma to her
already damaged heart.

What do women who know what they want and get what
they want do when they get it? They let go of past hurts.  They pray hard in hopes of making room for something good. They realize and understand that they deserve happiness; that she deserves him. 

For years I searched for love in the arms of men who didn’t love me back.  For years I searched for love
in places where love didn’t reside.  I was already damaged and carrying a lot of excess baggage; baggage that I couldn’t or maybe even wasn’t willing to depart with.  I self-inflicted pain because I was the one who didn’t allow myself time to heal.  I felt I needed love.  I wanted someone to love me.

I would question God and ask Him, ‘why
not me?’  I felt like, in some way or another, I was being punished, but I couldn’t figure out what I had done. 

It wasn’t until years later, after I had come to the realization
that I was traveling on this self-destructive path that I simply couldn’t continue on because every time I lay with someone who didn’t love me I was developing these ties…these soulties and destroying God’s temple.  I was allowing them to transfer whatever spirits they had obtained from the other women they had been with and deposit them inside me. 

I began acting in ways I had never acted before.  I was allowing these men
to drain me of my power and take a little bit of my soul every time they left.  You see, regardless of how good or how great I convinced myself it may have been I was still unfulfilled. 

I started reading God’s Word.  I needed help and it was the sort of help I couldn’t find in my girlfriends via our girl talks. I needed some divine intervention. 
I cried.  I read. I prayed.  I fasted.  I asked and eventually, I received.  I was in the preparation stage.  I was being transformed.