All She Ever Wanted (25 page)

"I'm sorry." Natalie wasn't sure how to respond. She was hardly the expert on relationships or marriage. "Maybe you can get the good old days back."

"I don't think that's possible. I can't even find Drew. I've left him a dozen messages, and he hasn't returned one of them. The last time I called I told him I was coming down here to Santa Cruz to figure out who wrote the book. I thought that would get his attention, since he wanted me to stay out of it. Oh, who am I kidding? He probably doesn't give a damn what I'm doing."

"I'm sure that's not true."

"At least I know he's not Malone. I have to admit I almost started thinking he was."

Natalie saw the guilty look in Laura's eyes and knew she'd played a part in putting it there. "I'm sorry if I implied that when I asked you to look for the journal. It's just that Drew was in L.A. and he knew so much about us ..."

"I know. I also started thinking about what Madison said, that Drew had gone to Emily's room that night, and I wondered if he'd gone out on that roof with her." Laura clapped a hand over her mouth. "I can't believe I just said that out loud."

"I can't, either." Natalie wondered if Laura's instincts were correct.

"It's just that things aren't adding up right—the bank statements, the business trips," Laura said, drawing from some inner well of courage Natalie didn't even know she had. "Yesterday I went by Drew's office, and dad told me that Drew isn't in L.A. on business; he's taking personal leave. Why is he taking personal leave? What's he doing? Is he having an affair? Or does it have something to do with the book, with Malone? He had Malone's travel itinerary in his pocket. But that doesn't explain the money, does it?" Laura sent Natalie an imploring look. "What am I missing? You were always the smart one. You could always add things up. Add them up for me."

Natalie shook her head, her brain whirling with the information Laura had just given her. If Drew had been in Emily's room that night, what had he seen? What had he heard? Had he gone out on the roof with Emily? Had they had some fight? Was he behind the book? Would that explain the money? Before she could ask, Laura started talking again.

"I need to speak to Drew," Laura continued. "I need to confront him, ask him outright what he's doing and who he's doing it with. I've been afraid to ask those questions, because I'm not sure I want to know the answers."

"Knowing is always better than not knowing," Natalie said, remembering how frustrated she'd felt with Cole all those years ago when he hadn't been up-front with her. "Then you can deal with what is instead of what might be."

"You're right. It's just that I've been trying to hang on to Drew since the day I met him, and I don't know how to let go. I married him because he was the cutest, sexiest, smartest guy I'd ever gone out with and because my parents thought he was perfect. I had kids right away so he'd find it hard to leave. I even encouraged him to buy the big house, because deep down I figured that the mortgage would be one more tie that he wouldn't be able to cut. Despite the many ropes I've thrown around the man, he seems to be slipping away from me."

Natalie stared at Laura in amazement. "Wow, that's quite a bit of psychoanalysis."

"I watch a lot of daytime talk shows," Laura admitted with a guilty smile.

"Maybe you should turn off the television."

"You think that will help?"

"It can't hurt. If you really want to change the pattern of your life and your relationship, it seems to me you have to make some changes. Maybe you have to be willing to risk losing Drew in order to keep him. And if you want to keep him, you have to fight for him with everything you've got."

Laura nodded. "You really are smart, Natalie."

Natalie uttered a little laugh. "It's easy to tell other people what to do. I don't have to live with the consequences. It's much harder to make decisions about my own life."

"Speaking of which ..."

Natalie let out a small groan. "Don't go there."

Laura ignored her. "What are you going to do about Cole?"

"I have no idea."

"You must have some idea of what you want."

"What I want and what's going to happen are two different things. I understand Cole better now, Laura. I know why he ran from me before. Maybe those reasons aren't there anymore, but we have new, insurmountable problems between us."

"Like what?"

"Like his parents. Richard and Janet hate me. They can't look at me without thinking about the loss of their daughter. His father already told Cole that he would have to choose between me and his family. He can't make that choice. I wouldn't want him to. They're a family, and I know better than anyone how important and precious a family is." She sighed. "As soon as this is done, I'm going to say good-bye, and that's going to be it—forever. I'll leave San Francisco. I'll start over somewhere else. That's the way it has to be. We can both get on with our lives."

"I don't want you to do that," Laura said in dismay. "We've just found each other again—you, me, and Madison. I don't want to lose you, Natalie."

"You won't. We'll stay in touch this time. But I don't want to talk about this right now. We have enough things to worry about in the present. Let's leave the future to another day."

"I'm still waiting for you to tell me how you figured out Malone was Martin," Cole said, as he pulled up next to Dylan's motorcycle, parked in a lot near the professor's office building.

"I was talking to Madison the other day, and she mentioned that Emily was interested in someone before she died. I started remembering things Emily had said to me, and I knew Madison was right. There was another man in Em's life. When I went back to my apartment, I looked through the closet, where I'd stored some of Emily's things—"

"When you helped me clean out her room in Santa Cruz, you kept some of her stuff, didn't you?" Cole interrupted.

"Only things we worked on together. Emily was helping me plan my club back then. We'd drawn up ideas for games, magic acts, shows, virtual-reality stories. I knew she kept them in a drawer in her desk, so I dumped that drawer in a box and kept it for myself. I really didn't think it would matter to anyone but me. When I went through the box the other night, I found a film strip from the boardwalk, one of those places you go to take pictures of yourself and a friend. When I saw the guy in the pictures, I recognized him as the professor Emily met with for supposed tutoring. All the puzzle pieces fell into place. Emily told Madison the guy she wanted was unattainable, and the professor was married. I figured he was the guy Emily was— was in love with."

Judging by the bitterness in Dylan's voice, Cole had a feeling that sentence had cost him dearly. He wasn't ready to forgive Dylan for his lies and secrets, but one thing was clear—Dylan had loved Emily. "So you came down here to confront the professor. Why didn't you come to me and tell me your suspicions?"

"I didn't know what the professor knew about Emily and me. I wanted to find that out first."

"Because you didn't want me to know."

"Yeah, I was trying to avoid a black eye," Dylan said.

Cole didn't feel a speck of remorse about the fact that Dylan's right eye was turning purple and swelling shut. He'd deserved the punch for keeping so many secrets. "I have another question for you. What about your trip to L.A.? You said you just figured out Malone was Martin, so why were you in L.A. at the same time?"

"I went to L.A. to see a magician friend of mine. It didn't have anything to do with Malone or the book." Dylan paused. "We can do this later. I have something to show you. Follow me."

"You were just caught breaking into the professor's office. Now you want to do it again?"

"We're not going in." Dylan led him around to the back of the building. He walked over to some thick bushes. "When I heard someone coming, I tossed it out the window."

"Tossed what out the window?"

Dylan dug through the leaves of a bush and pulled out a purple notebook. "This. It's Emily's journal. I found it in the professor's office."

Cole felt chilled to the bone as Dylan handed the book to him. Emily's handwriting adorned the front cover along with doodles and girlish stickers she'd placed there more than ten years ago. He shook his head, feeling a rush of emotion that ranged from pain to anger to a deep, almost unbearable sadness. "Natalie was right. He had this journal all along. His words in the book were really Emily's words. At least some of them." He paused. "I've got to call Natalie. Tell her we found the journal and that Martin is really Malone. She's probably wondering where we are."

"You came here with Natalie?"

"Yes." Cole's eyes narrowed as he looked at Dylan. "I still don't understand why you don't like Natalie. Why you thought it was conceivable she had pushed Emily off the roof. What's that about?"

"I heard them fighting that night about you. I knew Natalie was drunk, and it was possible she and Emily continued their argument out on the roof. The fact that she claimed not to remember was always a little too convenient for me."

"That's it? That's all you have against her? That's weak."

Dylan tipped his head. "All right. Fine. Natalie didn't like me. Okay? She didn't want Emily to work the magic clubs with me. She didn't like my bike or my cigarettes. She thought I was leading Emily astray. I didn't like her. She obviously felt the same way."

"Good for her." Cole felt strangely pleased and proud of Natalie. She'd done what she'd promised his parents she would do—she'd tried to protect Emily.

"You're obviously back under her spell."

"Actually, I think I'm finally beginning to see Natalie for who she really is, not who I want her to be, or who other people think she should be. Natalie didn't owe any of us anything, Dylan. She didn't have to look out for Emily. She didn't have to protect her. She wasn't her mother. She was her roommate, her friend. I think she did her best to protect the friendship they had. What happened with me was never meant to get in the way of what Emily and Natalie had together. And I blame myself for that. I wasn't up-front with Natalie; that's why she went to Emily for answers. I'm the one who put Em in the middle."

"You're not the one who pushed her off the roof."

"Neither was Natalie. I'd stake my life on that."

Cole took a breath. "Are there any more secrets? Something else you know about Emily or Natalie or the rest of them? Were you the one who gave Emily the pills we found in her drawer?"

"Hell, no. That was McKinney."

"Drew McKinney?" Cole asked in surprise. Although was he really surprised? Drew had always been a little sleazy.

Dylan nodded. "I saw them in Emily's purse one night. I tried to take them away from her, but she told me to mind my own business and stop acting like her brother. Since I was trying to get out of the 'brother' category, I let it go. She told me Drew had gotten them for her. I guess she was feeling a lot of pressure about failing some of her classes. She didn't want to let the family down by flunking out of college or lose her chance at being free, living away from home." Dylan paused for a moment, his gaze turning reflective. "I thought for a while that McKinney might be Malone. He was around all the time. I figured he would have known a lot of what was in the book. And he was always out to make a buck. That's why he got Emily the pills in the first place. She had cash, and he needed the money."

Cole remembered what his investigator had told him—that Drew's roots went back to a trailer park in Modesto. "So now you're telling me Drew was selling the drugs to Emily, and you didn't think that was important enough to share with me? What the hell was wrong with you, Dylan?"

"It wasn't heroin, dude. Emily swore she wouldn't take them unless she talked to me about it first. I don't think she ever took one of those pills." He paused. "But I do realize that I made a few mistakes back then."

"You certainly did. Well, now I know why Drew was so nervous the other day when Natalie and I dropped by his house. He was probably wondering if we knew about the pills. If we were somehow going to pull him back into this scandal."

"It happened a long time ago. Do you really think McKinney is worried about getting in trouble for it now?"

"He might be. Laura said he has his eyes on a political career. I'm sure he wouldn't want any incident with illegal drugs to come out, especially if he was dealing. Maybe Emily wasn't his only customer."

Cole's phone rang. He saw Natalie's name on the screen. "Natalie?"

"Where are you?" she asked. "Did you find Dylan?"

"I'm with him right now."

"Good. Why don't you come to the sorority house? It's totally empty right now. Everyone is at the football game. The housemother, Mrs. Richmond, let me and Laura in. Laura is still chatting her up downstairs, keeping her busy so I can look around. I'm actually standing at the window of my old room, wondering if I have the guts to go out on the ... Oh, my God!"

"What?" he asked when she didn't continue. "What's wrong?"

"You'll never guess who just pulled up outside. It's Drew."

Drew was in Santa Cruz? His stomach flipped over. "Natalie, you need to know something about Drew—"

"You can tell me when you get here. I want to go out on the roof before everyone comes upstairs. I think it will help me remember what happened that night."

Natalie hung up before he could tell her to stay away from Drew and, most important, to stay off the damn roof. He tried calling her back, but she didn't answer. "We've got to get to the sorority house," he told Dylan.

"What's going on?"

"Natalie is about to step onto the roof. And Drew just pulled up outside." Cole strode toward his car, wanting to get to the sorority house as quickly as possible.

"Whoa, slow down. He's not going to hurt Natalie."

"Are you sure about that? McKinney has a lot to protect: a wife, a family, a business, a reputation."

"If Natalie knew McKinney gave Emily the drugs, she could have revealed that years ago. Drew wouldn't be afraid of her," Dylan argued.

"Or he might think that piece of information is locked up in Natalie's head along with what happened that night. If she remembers one thing, she could remember something else. Or maybe it's not that at all." Cole shook his head as they got into his car, a sudden thought occurring to him. "Damn. Maybe Malone got it wrong. Natalie didn't kill Emily. Drew did."