All the Broken Pieces (22 page)

32

When Spencer said he wanted to prove her theory, the last place she thought they’d end up was the grocery store.

“So, what are we here for?” she asked as she and Spencer walked inside.

“Before we sit down and face reality, I’m reminding you of the perks of dating a bag boy.”

Liv shot him a smile. “Why do good girls always go for bag boys?”

He shook his head, a smile beginning to break free. “Funny.” He paused in front of the meat section. “Hamburgers are a little trickier than hot dogs, but we could cook them if you’d rather have one.”

She turned her attention to the meat display in front of her. Looking at the blood pooling in the packages of beef made her dizzy.

Blood poured down, soaking her shirt, leaving large drops on her jeans.

You’re going to die.

Diverting her eyes to the floor, she backed away from the meat. She turned and gripped the edge of one of the nearby freezers and took a couple of deep breaths.

Spencer put his hand on her back. “Are you okay?”

“It’s the blood.” She closed her eyes. “There was…” A wave of nausea rolled through her stomach. From the memory, from the awful feeling of the life slowly draining from her, or from that thought—
You’re going to die—
she wasn’t sure.

“Maybe I should take you home,” he said.

She forced herself up. She was finally going to learn more about him, and what happened at that infamous party. No way she was giving that up. “I’m fine. Let’s just stick with hot dogs.”

They loaded up on hot dogs, candy, and root beer—using Spencer’s discount—then got back into his car and headed to Dead Horse Ranch.

Spencer pulled up to the same spot they’d come before. They gathered wood for a fire and stacked it in the pit. “Now we’ll see if you were paying attention,” he said, handing her the lighter.

Liv lit the kindling and gently blew on it. At first nothing. Then the flame spread. “How many cool points is that worth?”

“So many that you finally get your wish of being in charge of them.”

Sitting on the blanket, they ate their food and watched the fire. The moon looked bigger and closer than usual. Like if they drove across the desert she could reach out and touch it.

Spencer took her hand in his. “I guess there’s no such thing as a secret in a small town. That’s how my dad got caught. Someone saw him out at a bar with Dana and told my mom.”

“That must’ve been awful for Lori.”

“She didn’t want to believe it—things get blown out of proportion in a small town, too. But when my mom confronted him, he told her that he’d fallen in love with Dana, and that he wanted to be with her.” Sadness crept across Spencer’s features. “I think it would’ve been easier if I hadn’t been so close to him. We played ball, went bowling, watched sports, all that normal father-and-son stuff. One day he’s the dad I admired, the next everything fell apart and he was just gone.”

Spencer ran a hand through his hair. “He always told me that the one thing he’d never tolerate was a liar. If he caught me telling a lie, I got whooped. When my baseball went through Mrs. O’Brian’s window, he marched me over, had me apologize, and made me do her yard work all summer.” His mouth set in a tight line. “Then he ended up being the biggest liar of all. My mom was devastated.”

“At least she had you,” she said.

He hung his head. “She didn’t, though. I was pissed at my dad, at life, at everything. I started fighting with her, getting in trouble at school and drinking all the time. Then the end-of-the-year party came…” His eyes lifted to hers. “I’m sure you’ve heard parts of the story.”

“No one seems to know what really happened. But it doesn’t matter.”

“As wasted as I was, I remember exactly what happened. And believe me, it mattered to one person.”

Her voice came out just above a whisper. “The kid who got hurt?”

“You know how it happened?”

She shook her head. “Just that he’s in a wheelchair.”

“It’s my fault.”

“Spencer, whatever happened—”

“It’s my fault, Liv. It’s my fault he’s in that wheelchair.” The agony in his voice made her want to cry. She tightened her grip on his hand.

“Peter moved here freshman year. He was a huge nerd, had no sports skills, and was overweight. I’d never really talked to him before that night. He was just a guy who wanted to be
in
, and when he came to the party, we all took advantage of that. So yeah, I was drunk—we were all drunk. Sabrina and I were dating, we got into a fight, and I made out with some other chick.” His shoulders slumped. “Definitely not my finest hour. But that wasn’t even the worst thing I did…”

The muscles in his neck and jaw tightened, and she could tell how hard he was fighting to hold it together. “Toward the end of the night, Peter comes up to me, Clay, Austin, and Jarvis. The guy’s wasted, spouting off all this junk about how he’s got a black belt in karate. So we started challenging him to do stuff. He danced, he did kicks, and he tried to break a board.”

The flames reflected off Spencer’s lenses, and for a moment the only sound was the crackling of the fire. Liv didn’t move, didn’t breathe, as a tortured expression overtook his face. “I dared him to jump off the roof onto the trampoline.”

She brought her hands to her mouth, knowing that the rest of the story was going to be bad.

“I didn’t think he’d even be able to climb that high. He’d barely gotten up on the roof when someone yelled that the cops were there. People scattered in all directions. And Peter…” Spencer swallowed and then choked out the next words. “Jumped. And landed on the concrete patio.

“I don’t know how many others saw, but no one slowed down. I ran over and told him to get up, that we had to go. Then I saw the blood. His eyes were wide, and when he looked up, I saw the fear.” All the color drained from Spencer’s face; sorrow filled his voice. “He told me he couldn’t feel his legs. And the way he looked at me—like I’d know what to do, like I’d be able to help him somehow.”

Spencer used his thumb to wipe the tear rolling down Liv’s cheek. She hadn’t even realized she’d started crying. She wanted to say something to him that would make it all okay, but the ache in her throat made it impossible to talk, and even if she could speak, she had no idea what to say.

“The cops came and arrested me for underage drinking. They wouldn’t even let me stay with Peter.” He shook his head. “A fall like that, a stupid stunt, and now he’ll never walk again. I’m the one who told him to jump. Like with your accident. One wrong move, one instant. And you can never take it back.”

Spencer’s eyes glazed over. “I ruined his life. I’m the guy who ruined someone’s life for a joke. That’s why I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be with someone like you.”

The torment he obviously felt broke her heart. More than anything, she wanted to make it better—to be able to take his pain away. Pushing up on her knees, she wrapped her arms around him.

He tensed.

Then he put his arms around her and rested his head on her shoulder. The right words didn’t come, so she simply held on, wishing she’d never have to let go.

…

“Are you okay?” Mom asked her when she walked into the living room to tell her that she was home.

Liv was emotionally and physically drained, but she thought she’d done a good job of masking it. “How’d you—?”

“Mothers can sense these things.” Mom patted the cushion next to her. “Have a seat.” Liv sat, and Mom tucked her hair behind her ear. “So, what’s going on?”

Explaining wasn’t going to be easy. She didn’t want to get into the whole story—especially because it wasn’t her story to tell. “I guess I just realized how everything we do affects not only our lives, but people around us, too. It sucks that one weak moment could change the entire course of someone’s life.”

The creases in Mom’s forehead deepened. “Language, Olivia.
Sucks
is not a word I want to hear from you. As for the sentiment behind the language, what happened to bring this all up?”

Again, she thought about Spencer and the night that had changed his and Peter’s lives forever. “I got to thinking about how decisions we make, one little moment, could change everything. Like with my accident. I wrecked, and now I have no memories. You and Dad had to help me recover and we moved. All that basically happened because of something I did.”

“There was the storm, and who knows how many other factors involved. I don’t want you to feel bad because of the accident.” Mom leveled her gaze on her, eyebrows raised. “You hear me?”

Liv nodded. “I do. I guess I’m just wondering how we get over our past mistakes.”
And how do I help Spencer get over his? How do I make him realize what a good person he is?

Mom pressed her lips together, seemingly deep in thought, then let out a long exhale. “Life is full of hard choices, and making mistakes is part of that. There are decisions I’ve made that have caused grief not only for myself, but also for people I care about, and people I don’t even know. And I might feel guilt over them for the rest of my life…but I’d probably do them again because of what’s happened in my life because of it.

“You talk about one moment changing everything. You coming into our lives, that definitely changed everything, and I’ll be forever grateful you lived through that accident.” Mom draped her arm around Liv’s shoulders and pulled her in next to her. “You’re one of my proudest accomplishments, Olivia. I’d be lost without you.”

Resting her head against Mom’s shoulder, she caught a whiff of her vanilla perfume. The familiar smell, being able to talk to her like this, made her realize how much they’d both grown since moving to Cottonwood. Little by little Mom was learning to let go, and she was getting the hang of life, figuring out who she really was.

Once in a while, she still longed to remember, longed to find the missing pieces in the puzzle. But then she remembered the heart-wrenching look on Spencer’s face, the deep regret in his eyes.

She thought about how she knew her parents were hiding something. Words Dad had said on their walk the other night popped into her mind:
You know your mother and I would do anything for you, right?

Cold spread through her entire body. All this time, she thought Mom and Dad were hiding because
they’d
done something in Minnesota. The thought suddenly occurred to her that they might be hiding something
she
had done. And it was clear they were terrified someone might find out about it.

Maybe Spencer was right when he said I was better off not remembering all the crappy things I’ve done.

33

As they went through their morning at school, Liv would occasionally catch Spencer looking at her, this indecipherable expression on his face. Then he’d give her a smile, grab her hand, kiss her cheek, or some other gesture that made her heart go all fluttery.

After lunch, he pulled her into a remote area in the hall and wrapped his arms around her waist. “I was so worried that after last night…” He placed his forehead against hers. “I don’t know how I got so lucky.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re one of the most awesome people I’ve ever met.”

“Yeah, but you don’t remember most of the people you’ve met, so that’s not saying much.”

She gave him a playful shove. “Come on, you know what I’m saying.”

He caught her arm, yanked her back to him, and kissed her. She parted her lips as he deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue in to meet hers.

A group neared, their conversation growing louder, and Spencer pulled back. More and more people entered the hallway, ruining their chance to be alone.

With a sigh, he grabbed her hand and led her down the hall. As they rounded the corner, they came face-to-face with Clay. His features hardened; Spencer’s grip tightened.

This is ridiculous.
“Hey, Clay, how’s it going?”

Clay mumbled a “fine,” then kept walking, and she twisted to face Spencer. “So, when are you and Clay going to get over your thing?”

“Our thing?”

“I know you used to be friends, and I know that you stopped talking to everyone after the party, but I guess I’m not getting exactly why.”

“That night, I realized all the people who were supposed to be my friends just left. They didn’t even care that Peter was hurt.” His expression hardened. “That’s not the kind of friends I want to have.”

Liv glanced around. They didn’t have much time before class started. “When I went out with Clay—”

“I don’t want to hear about that. I know he showed you The Gulch, which is his signature…” He shook his head. “I’d rather pretend it didn’t happen.”

“Nothing did happen. I mean, we never kissed or anything, if that’s what you were thinking.”

That news took some of the tension out of his features.

“Before we went to The Gulch, I wanted to find out more about the notorious party. Really, I wanted to know more about you. So I asked him what happened. He didn’t say much, only that someone was hurt, but I could tell he felt horrible about it.” She squeezed Spencer’s hand. “You two probably have more in common than you think.”

He stood there for a moment, shifting his weight from side to side. “I don’t know what to say to that. No matter what, I’m a hypocrite. For not forgiving him, and for not forgiving my dad. I’d like to say I can let it all go, but I’m not as good as you are.”

“It’s not about me.” The halls had cleared. There wasn’t enough time to get into this. She tipped onto her toes and kissed his cheek. “I just want you to be happy.”

“What if not dealing with any of that, and just being with you, is what makes me happy?”

“Okay.”

Spencer’s eyebrows shot up. “Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

“If only it were that easy.” He tugged on her hand, pulling her toward Mr. Barker’s classroom. They walked in and took their seats, and Mr. Barker started his lecture. About ten minutes in, he let them work on their group assignment.

Spencer scooted his desk next to hers. “All I can think about now is my dad. It’s not that I don’t want to forgive him, but it’s hard to forget all the hurt he’s caused our family.”

Liv propped her elbow on her desk, her cheek on her fist. “Look, it’s easy for me to tell you to forget about the past, because I don’t really have one. I think the changes you’ve made in your life are admirable.” She smiled at him. “And you know I’m crazy about you.”

He shook his head. “I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for you.”

“It’s because of you, because of things like the list, that I’ve decided it doesn’t matter if I ever get my memories back. I’d be a different person if I never met you.”

“I
was
a different person before I met you.”

Her stomach did a little flip, and she wished she wasn’t sitting in math class, surrounded by other students.

“How’s it coming?” Mr. Barker asked from behind them.

Liv glanced down at her blank paper, trying to come up with a response.

“We got stopped on a couple problems,” Spencer said. “But we’re going to get it all figured out.”

…

It wasn’t until she and Spencer had driven to the middle of nowhere that she started to rethink her decision. “Are you sure this is a good idea?” she asked as she rounded the hood of Spencer’s car.

He held the driver’s side door open. “The worst you can do is take out some cactuses, and I’m sure no one would care if a few went missing.”

She settled into the driver’s seat but didn’t touch the steering wheel until Spencer got back in and buckled his seat belt. On the ride out, he’d gone over the basics. It sounded simple enough, but sitting behind the wheel was different than hearing about it. Her stomach knotted and her pulse quickened.

“Push in the clutch…” Spencer waited for her to do it. “Okay, put it into first gear.”

Liv maneuvered the gearshift. “There?”

“Yep. Now slowly ease off the clutch and give it some gas.”

The first three times, the car stalled out. On the fourth try, she was able to keep the engine running. After a half mile or so of barely moving, she decided to try second gear. Only the gearshift wasn’t cooperating. It made a horrible grinding noise as she tried to force it into place. “It’s not going.”

Spencer put his hand over hers and helped her glide it into place.

She let out the clutch and drove farther down the deserted back road. “This is pretty fun.”

Drops of rain hit the windshield. At first it was just a few, then more and more splattered against the glass. In a dreamlike trance, she watched the water roll down.

Rain pelted her windshield. Everything was so blurry. Liv wiped the tears from her cheeks, then scooted forward, straining to see through the rain. Her wipers never got that one stripe in her line of sight. She turned the knob so they would go faster, but instead of the wipers speeding up, everything went dark.

Headlights cut through the black. They were coming at her. Coming fast.

She slammed on the brakes, hard as she could.

The car shuddered to a stop. Her breaths came out in ragged gasps.

“Whoa,” Spencer said. “What happened?”

Nothing but desert was in front of her. The rain wasn’t even heavy enough to need the wipers. But that car coming for her…

It seemed so real.

Before she could stop them, tears filled her eyes.

Spencer put his hand on her shoulder. “It’s not a big deal. Getting the clutch down is tricky.”

“It’s not that. The rain…and the car was coming…” Sitting in the seat felt suffocating, and she had to get out. She undid her seat belt, threw open the door, and stepped away from the car.

Drops of rain landed on her head and arms. She tipped her head to the sky and closed her eyes. Over and over, she saw the headlights coming for her.

She felt a hand on her back. She opened her eyes and looked at Spencer.

“What happened?” he asked.

“Driving and the rain, it triggered something. I think it was a memory. Of right before my car accident.” She shook her head. “Just when I decide to stop worrying about my lost memories, one slams into me.”

“Well, maybe that’s a good sign. Maybe you’ll get more and more back.”

That thought no longer comforted her; in fact, it terrified her. Because something felt very, very wrong. Because if that memory had been real—if she’d crashed into another car and not a tree—it meant Mom and Dad
had
lied to her.

And if they had lied…