All Tomorrow's Parties (16 page)

“Thanks, how have you been?” said Laine, genuinely interested.

“I need to see you Laine, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking whilst you’ve been gone…” the pause slightly too long, his voice sounded strained, almost fragile.

“Me too”, said Laine. She knew he didn’t know the half of it. She couldn’t even comprehend her life let alone try and explain it.

“How about tonight then?” said Laine

“Won’t you be with Danny? After all you’ve just got back?” said Tony, surprised.

“I eh, I eh, I’m living with Ella now, well for the time being.” It had been a lot harder to say than she thought, a lot harder, and searing. She was saying it out loud for the first time. It sounded wooden, detached, as if the words were hers but not attached to any reality. A big purple hole of nothing had filled her stomach and was acting as a vacuum sucking her old life away.

This was the first step.

“Woah Laine, you OK? You sound, well, you sound different…” His voice sounded surprised.

“Maybe I’ve just grown up a bit Tony.” Her voice expressionless, almost monotone. The hole had begun its deconstruction of her old life.

“Let’s say 7 at Hiroko then?” said Tony; he now sounded rushed, as if he wanted to get off the phone

“OK sounds good.”

“Laine?’

“Yes?”

“I really have been doing a lot of thinking and I really have missed you, see you at 7.” And with that he hung up. She felt a pang of guilt when she thought of Tony. Had she also betrayed him for John? For God’s sake woman, get a grip, she quietly mumbled to herself.

“Everything alright Laine, good holiday?” Adam called from behind his desk. That man doesn’t miss a thing, she thought to herself.

“Yep, everything is tickety boo”, she shouted.

She knew if she had turned around her eyes would have betrayed her words. The day was going to be arduous; she would have to tell them, but not today. Today would be about trying to reclaim some normality, some sense of herself. She wasn’t sure who she really was any more.

The day was just like many others at Vestal: enough to kept Laine busy, but nothing that could consume her. If any of her colleagues had noticed the change in her no one said anything, in fact they had all been pretty low key. Adam was tied up in meetings most of the day whilst Reggie and Ambra were putting the finishing touches to new campaigns on singles due for release in September. Ambra was the only one who had an idea that something was up.

“Holiday blues Laine?” she asked when Laine had taken her and Reggie a cup of coffee.

“Something like that”, said Laine, and quickly headed back to her desk.

Ambra knew Laine well enough to know not to push it. She knew Laine would tell her when she felt comfortable enough to do so.

It was nice to be back at Vestal, in fact Vestal was now the only part of her life that seemed normal. How crazy is that, my life must be pretty messed up for me to think this crazy industry is normal, she thought. She made a mental note to go down to the post room and hunt out the hash harriers after lunch, sometimes you just need a bit of light relief, she told herself, and those boys definitely gave her that.

She loved Vestal and it loved her. Despite its forward thinking approach it was still a lot like the other record companies: girls were secretaries, boys were important – chauvinism at its finest for the likes of young pretty girls. Thankfully Laine was in one of the few departments where you were judged on your abilities, not the size of your breasts! She was secure in the fact that Adam had given her the job because of her passion for music. She had seen him sweet talk and bullshit many times since her interview and knew when he was telling someone what they wanted to hear. She had gained confidence in her ability to do a good job that a lot of the other girls at Vestal lacked. Her abilities were not reliant on her looks, and it was this security she was now clinging to. She was clinging to it by the tips of her fingers as the rest of the house that was her life fell to pieces.

Laine arrived early at the Hiroko. She had gone back to Ella’s, showered and changed. Over the course of the day her energy levels had gone into a negative balance with every step taken requiring the strength of Hercules to achieve. She wasn’t feeling great and at times became short of breath with little or no exertion. Get a grip girl, she told herself: she had only had two tokes on the spliff the boys in the post room had been smoking. A sharp cramping pain started to radiate across her abdomen. About time, she thought as the pain subsided, her period was now well overdue. It was no surprise really given the massive emotional stress she’d been under the past few weeks, now thankfully her body clock seemed to be putting itself back on track.

Ella had been a true friend and had ridden the emotional rollercoaster with her. There was only so long she could stay at her place, after all she was doing her a massive favour putting her up. The next hurdle was to try and find somewhere of her own to live but right now she couldn’t face it. It was another great mountain she had to climb, but at the moment she didn’t have the right boots to do it. One day at a time Laine, one day at a time, she thought.

Laine ordered some sake while she waited for Tony. The warmth of the liquor hit the back of her throat. She was welcoming back an old friend and continued to sip generously. John had not been far from her thoughts in the 72 hours she had been back. Why had he not called? She had given him her work number and Ella’s number. He even had Ella’s address. He had given her his PO Box number, which was centralised for all army personnel. She had now written four letters and posted three - each longer than the last, each heartfelt and raw. She had poured her heart out almost to the point of despair during the last letter, but had decided not to send it and had burned it instead. She now lived in the hope that soon she too would receive a letter which by its every word would comfort her.

The sake felt good, it was warming up her insides, just like the Italian sunshine had.

“Hello Lainey.” Tony placed a hand on her shoulder and bent to kiss her check.

His kiss was reassuring. Before becoming lovers she and Tony had been good friends. I still want you to be my friend, I still need you to be my friend, she thought as she turned to face him.

“Hello Tony.” Yes, she acknowledged to herself, she was pleased to see him, as she poured him a cup of sake.

“I thought about you a lot whilst you were away, how was it?” asked Tony.

“It was amazing Tony. In fact I can honestly say it was life changing.” She paused to catch her breath. Her voice now changed tone. “I don’t even know where to begin”, she whispered, taking another sip of sake. Would the sake give her the courage she would need to be completely honest? How honest should she be? How honest could she be? The edges of the world were now becoming a little fuzzy and very warm.

They ordered - first some tekka and kappi maki followed by beef sukiyaki - which they would cook at the table themselves.

Tony took Laine’s hand as she described how she had returned from Italy knowing that she could not live with Danny anymore. She had not offered up any information about John, she had felt that Tony may have felt upset or even betrayed; the last thing she wanted to do was hurt him.

Although not lying, Laine did not tell him everything that had happened during her time in Jeselo. She described how they had met Andy, Rod, Tessa and Mary and even how they had spent time with a couple of Americans, but her reminiscence made it sound throw away, almost incidental and of no consequence.

She was hiding her true feelings for John and in part understood why. What they had shared had been sacred and emotionally intimate, some of those precious moments would be side-lined to the everyday if she spoke of it. Her memories were of the finest gold and silks: she wanted the magic to remain. Was it fair also to tell Tony her innermost thoughts about another man when she clearly knew he wanted her? Cruelty was not in her make-up. After weighing it up she decided that the old adage what you don’t know can’t hurt you rang true. Tony would be happy not knowing, that was enough she thought.

“He is an attractive man, a kind man”, thought Laine as she listened to Tony talking about what had happened during the last few weeks.

“Laine, I know you have just broken up with Danny, but I had made up my mind whilst you were away that I wanted to be with you… whatever the cost.” His eyes had taken on a serious hold which now held her gaze.

“I had not realised that you would come back and take such a big decision to leave him, as I know what he meant to you, but now that you have, well everything fits into place.” Looking uncomfortable, he paused and took a deep breath.

“I love you Laine Marshall, I always have and believe I always will. We have known each other for a few years now and I can honestly say no one on any level compares to you Laine, no one.” Tony was staring hard into Laine’s eyes as if trying to reach into her soul.

“You may not feel the same, your heart may be who knows where but….”

With that Tony got down onto one knee and from his inside pocket produced a ring.

“Laine Marshall will you do me the greatest honour and make me the happiest man alive? Will you marry me?”

Hold on, hold on – did he just say what I think he said?

Am I going stark raving bonkers? Laine kept looking at Tony – still on one knee. She was finding it hard to comprehend what he’d said and was struggling to breathe again.

“God Tony - you certainly know how to shut me up”, panted Laine, trying to make light of the whole thing.

“Laine I am deadly serious. I have known from the moment I saw you that you were the one. I need you in my life Lainey, I need to know you want to be mine. I know everything is upside down for you right now but I couldn’t wait any longer.” Tony, still on one knee, was now attracting interest from the other diners.

Laine felt as if her head would explode – what was happening? Had the world turned itself on its axis and nobody had told her? Think girl think.

“I truly am lost for words Tony, I er…” She could feel the eyes of the other diners willing her to accept, yet despite their collective subliminal bullying she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“Tony, there are things, things you don’t know, things that if you did know may change your mind…” Now her breathing was starting to sound raspy, with each breath a battle to fulfil.

“Laine, none of us are perfect. I take life as it comes. I know I will always love you, I know I will always want you by my side – what do you say?” Still on one knee, Tony’s eyes searched her for a sign that everything would be OK.

“I need time to think, I need air…” Laine ran out of the restaurant into the cool night air of Holland Park Road. She could hear her heart pounding in her ears, She felt nauseous and disorientated.

Tony had run after her and had taken her in his arms. “It’s OK Laine, I’m sorry, I should have waited, I’m sorry”, he whispered.

Laine’s whole body felt as if it had gained more gravity than any other part of the landscape.

Her arms and legs were now made of lead and she was struggling to see. Laine Marshall, breathless, collapsed in his arms. Everything went black.

Whispering voices, soft whispering voices. Laine slowly opened her eyes. The room, as best as she could make out, was white and clinical. Red tulips appeared suspended in a glass clinical vase, their majestic heads turned away from her as if in a snub – how rude, she thought, I bloody hate tulips, Sylvia Plath knew what she was talking about! Alert she definitely was not but the mist was slowly clearing as to her whereabouts. The room was indeed white and clinical. White blinds at the windows were lowered: did that mean it was night time or was it to block out the light? She was unsure. Something to her left was buzzing and bleeping, she couldn’t quite turn her head to see. Tony she could make out, Tony in the doorway - but who was that with him, could it be… was it John? Laine tried to sit up: a sharp stabbing pain seared through her abdomen. OMG what has happened? She tried to talk, calling out for Tony in little more than a whisper. The man at the door disappeared and Tony made his way to her bedside. “What has happened to me? I’m in so much pain, I want my mum, Tony, and I’m scared…”, Laine started to cry.

Laine, at the tender age of 19, had suffered a miscarriage; this had been complicated by severe dehydration and a pulmonary embolism to boot.

Tony took her in his arms and held her as she sobbed. He had no way of telling her…the words eluded him for the first time in his life, the words just weren’t enough to explain. Laine had been in the hospital for three days. The doctors told Tony they were concerned. It was highly unusual for a 19 year old to be unconscious for such a long period of time. Laine had been eight weeks pregnant when she had miscarried. As she also had a pulmonary embolism the doctors gave her blood thinning agents to disperse the clot: it had been a fine balancing act for them. On the one hand they needed to clear the blood clot on Laine’s lungs, yet on the other they needed to control the bleeding from the miscarriage. Laine had haemorrhaged, which had been particularly severe and difficult to stem. If the blood became too thin she would bleed out, not enough and the clot would not disperse, and may move and cause a stroke, or worse, death.

“How long, Tony?” Laine whispered, hardly able to formulate the words.