Almost Home (16 page)

The trip to Oregon took almost a full week and I enjoyed every moment of it, even with a sadness in my heart that felt like a weight. I was leaving my home behind and I was more than a little scared that I’d never see anyone or anything I knew ever again. I cried so hard I couldn’t see the road until we were halfway through Oklahoma. I could tell it made my father nervous by the way he kept glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. After the first day I had exhausted my grief supply and could cry no more for the time being. That’s when it became more fun.

The trip took so long because we made it in my father’s car while pulling an orange U-haul trailer. We listened to music all the way, alternating between my father’s collection and mine. The Eagles, Conway Twitty, and Garth Brooks was followed by Ozzy Osbourne, Anthrax, and Metallica, all played at ear shattering volume. We ate every meal at roadside places and slept every night in cheap motels. This was the life I had loved as a young child, when my mother and father were together, and we moved to a new state every month or so.

My father was in rare form throughout the entire trip, and I laughed at his insanity until I lost my breath. He spent all of one morning pointing out the prairie dogs along the side of the road and around rest stops. With a grave air and facial expression that said he was imparting divine wisdom, he explained that I should keep my eyes open because if I saw someone run over one of the prairie dogs, I would then see all its friends run out and start eating it. The manner in which he relayed this tidbit of knowledge that caused me to erupt into uncontrollable laughter. He looked at me for a moment before snickering, abruptly stopped, and his eyes darted around as if he feared someone might be listening in.

This made me laugh even harder because I could tell he had no idea what I found so funny.

Watching my father interact with restaurant employees is an interesting and humorous experience in itself. It’s hard to put your finger on specific things, but when looking at the overall picture it’s hilarious. He’ll order a cup of coffee and then look intently at the waitress as he emphasizes the words “two” and “sugars.”

She then turns to walk away and he’ll call out to her with a “Hey!” When she 86

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looks back he makes direct eye contact while solemnly and slowly holding up two fingers as if to remind her—“two.”

My little brother is a quandary too. It sounds odd if I say he was just like my father yet completely different, but it’s true. His mannerisms are completely his own, yet everything he does seems like something my father would do. I lost all contact with him eleven years ago when he went to live with his mother, yet I still often think of him and wonder what kind of person he turned out to be.

We arrived in Oregon and moved into a three-bedroom apartment in a town called Aloha. It was a very nice place and I was given the biggest room, though I had nothing to fill it with. Unloading the trailer, I realized my mother had brought almost none of our belongings. I asked her where everything was, and she said she’d left it all in Lakeshore. This was almost impossible for me to believe. She didn’t try to sell anything to get more money for the trip, she didn’t even give it to others who may need it—she just abandoned it. The only thing of mine to be brought along was a single suitcase containing my clothes and music.

This blew my mind.

When I later returned to Arkansas Jason told me he saw everything in the garbage. He was walking past one day and noticed everything I owned in one big pile by the curb—television, stereo, baseball bat, antique Japanese rifle, skateboard, electric guitar, and everything else that had been in the house. I asked him if anyone looked through it and took anything, to which he shook his head—“We figured it must not have been any good, or they wouldn’t have thrown it away.” Things we had spent a lifetime collecting were now gone as if never having existed. I would have been more upset if not for the fact that in two days I’d be starting a new job. I figured I’d soon be able to replace everything since I’d be working full time.

My father was the manager of a local chain of garages and gas stations, so he gave me a job working for him. I would be bringing home well over 400 dollars every two weeks, and the job was easy enough. I was in a place where not a lot of traffic came through, so I and an old Vietnam War vet named Dave covered the shift by ourselves. We mostly sat and watched the traffic pass while sipping cold drinks and listening to country music on the radio. Dave was a cynical, cantan-kerous, old bastard, and he was the closest thing to a friend I had in Oregon.

Despite our age difference, we got along quite well together. Most of Dave’s
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vocabulary consisted of swear words, and he fired them like bullets at everyone and everything on earth.

Being that I now had a full time job, I was no longer in school. I never made the decision to quit; it was more like my parents made it for me. They didn’t actually say, “You’re quitting school,” but they didn’t have to. It was pretty obvious when they enrolled my sister and brother in a new school and didn’t do the same for me. I was resentful but said nothing. At least I was making money now.

When at home, my little brother began developing some odd habits. He watched
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre II
over and over, even though it scared him so bad he couldn’t sleep at night. He mimicked characters from the movie and walked around the house scratching his head with a coat hanger while pretending to eat flakes of dandruff. He had a small plastic sunflower that wore sunglasses and a bow tie, and when placed next to a radio it danced to the beat of the music. He carried it everywhere with him, and as far as I know it was his only playmate. My sister began to hang out with some pretty shady characters and was always drinking or partying with them. This was the first time in her life she’d ever experienced any freedom, and she was taking advantage of it. When we were with Jack he’d rarely let her leave the house.

One day, after we’d been there about a month, I decided the time had come to shake a leg and get busy. My first order of business was to call Deanna’s house.

When her mother answered I had my sister ask for Deanna. The second she was on the line I took the phone and said, “It’s me.” Her voice sounded odd, almost like a little girl, when she asked, “Where are you?” I told her I was in Oregon, and asked if there was someone hovering around her, to which she said indeed there was. My heart sang just at hearing her, being in contact again. It was more than just her—I was talking to home, to my familiar world. I was on the phone with someone who didn’t sound like they had a yankee accent. I felt alive again. I felt like myself, and that was a rare thing of late.

It’s hard to describe what had changed. Ever since walking through the doors of that mental institution I’d felt like an old man shuffling his feet along the halls of a nursing home. Talking to her sent a wave of energy through me that shook the rust off and I felt ready to get moving again. That all ended in less than sixty seconds. “Do you still want me to come for you?” If she said yes, I would leave right then, even if I had to walk.

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She didn’t say yes, though. What she said was, “I don’t know.” Never had I hesitated when it came to her, and never had I doubted. To do so never crossed my mind, but I could hear it in her voice. She was hesitating, uncertain. The magick was broken. The last thing she ever said to me was “I have to go now.”

She hung up the phone and we have never spoken again to this day.

Up until that point my life had at least had a purpose, a direction, some part of me still had faith that it would all work out. That was now gone and I was infinitely tired. I’d put all my energy into this relationship and now had none left. I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the wall for a very long time, not knowing what else to do.

My parents were going out of state to visit relatives in California, and were gone for a few days. While there, they picked up my grandmother, who was flying in because she didn’t think she was strong enough to make the road trip to Oregon when the rest of us came. I chose to stay at home. Once they were gone, I walked to the corner store and bought two of the cheapest bottles of wine they had—Wild Irish Rose. I spent the entire night sitting out on the balcony looking down into the street and drowning my sorrows with the foulest tasting alcohol ever dreamed by man. I guess I was at the point which most people call “rock bottom.” I was so lonely that I no longer felt like expending the energy necessary to keep living. When the sun began to rise I went to bed and didn’t get up for several days.

Little did I know, Jerry Driver had been a busy bee in my absence. Deanna’s reluctance came from the fact that Driver had told her parents that I was a Satanic monster and the head of a very large cult that was up to all sorts of skullduggery in the area. Driver had no doubt Deanna’s life was in danger as there was no telling what foul plot I had devised to trap her in. He told them he was positive that I had been committing sacrifices all over town, that I’d been burning down churches (even though no church in the area was burned), and that I had a hand in infinite other untold crimes. He wove a tale in which I was the very incarnation of evil, come to create hell in Arkansas.

Why did he do this? I don’t know. I didn’t learn all these facts until much later when local teenagers said he questioned them about me every time they went out into the streets of Lakeshore, burning gas and taxpayer’s dollars, as he terrorized young teenage boys. Many later said that he’d pick them up and threaten to take them to jail unless they performed sexual favors for him. He was beyond a doubt a very sick individual, but I never have understood why it was me that became his obsession. He once went so far as to make Jason take off his shirt
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so he could “inspect him for satanic markings.” His life must have been pretty void while I was out of the state. I was also later told that he convinced Deanna’s parent to send her to a “deprogramming center” to be certain she was no longer under the influence of my nefarious spell, and that they should contact him at once if they ever saw or heard from me again. That’s precisely what happened.

After I got off the phone with Deanna her parents questioned her about the call and she eventually told them it was me. They called Driver and sent up a red alert. Driver’s reaction was to call the police in Oregon and tell them that I was on probation in Arkansas for all sorts of satanic crimes and that I should be arrested at once. The police seemed to think it some sort of joke, but when he kept demanding that I be arrested for calling Deanna, they sent someone out to talk to me.

An officer in plain clothes came to our apartment to find out what was going on. He sat at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee as he asked me and my family questions. I told him that I had indeed called Deanna, but that I was no satanic kingpin and had no idea what Driver was raving about. The officer reported that I was breaking no law, didn’t seem to be abnormal, and that the apartment was not the hot bed of satanic activity that Driver seemed to want them to believe. I can only imagine the tantrum Jerry Driver threw when they refused to obey him.

Meanwhile I became more lethargic and lackluster by the day. I no longer cared about anything. My mother expressed concern that I would harm myself, though I never seriously considered it. Everything exploded one night over a simple misunderstanding.

I had some Kahlua and planned to drink it in milk. I’ve never been a big fan of alcohol of any sort, but this stuff had a nice chocolaty taste and helped me to sleep. I poured it into the milk and stirred briskly. My sister went and told my mother that I was in the kitchen, “doing something sneaky.” Of course I was being sneaky, I was trying to spend my dole money on the pint without being caught!

My mother didn’t bother to come and ask me anything, she went behind my back and called a local mental hospital. As I was walking back to my room I heard her talking very quietly on the phone, so I stopped to listen. She was telling whoever was on the other end that I had been depressed and quiet lately, and feared that I may commit suicide. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This was the lowest thing anyone had ever done to me in my life. This was betrayal of epic proportions. You must understand my mother to be able to really understand why she did this.

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If you don’t know her you could easily mistake her action for the concern of a caring parent. In reality it was the action of a drama queen. My mother loves to create drama, as I’ve already said. She still does. Every time a reporter comes around she can’t keep her mouth shut and goes into her “poor mother” routine, complete with a copious amount of tears. I’ve seen it too many times.

I continued on to my room and listened to the radio for a few minutes, knowing she had set an unalterable chain of events into motion. Within a very short time, someone knocked on the door, and I opened it to discover a police officer.

He asked if I would talk to him, so we took a seat in the living room. I couldn’t believe the difference between the police in Oregon and the police in Arkansas.

This guy was well-groomed and in shape, very polite, and could speak proper English. He treated me like a human being, and I may have even liked the guy under other circumstances. I agreed to go down to the place my mother had called because in the end I really had no choice. The cop left, and I got in the car with my parents.

The place turned out to be a small wing of a regular medical hospital, and I took a seat in the waiting room after we arrived. I sat there waiting to see a doctor and wondering why the hell this was happening to me. My mother has made more than her fair share of stupid mistakes, but I believe this one was the most ridiculous. My relationship with my father also changed this night.

It’s been so many years that I can now no longer even remember exactly what was said, but it was something along the lines of, “You need to straighten up and fly right, I’m tired of you moping around all the time, blah, blah, blah.” He followed it up with some kind of threat. He was trying to be a hard ass because I refused to speak to either he or my mother. I had nothing to say to them, not after doing this to me. I listened to his whole angry spiel without saying anything, but every word he spoke changed the way I saw him. It was as if I had a realization. Suddenly I saw my father not as a man, but as a boy. He was a child who had never lived up to a single responsibility in his life, and he had failed me in every way conceivable. He had abandoned me, left me to live in poverty and squalor with a hateful, religious zealot of a stepfather and a mother who wouldn’t raise a hand to protect us from his tyranny. I saw him as weak, knowing he wouldn’t have survived the despair of a life like he had left me to. I didn’t want to hear anything else from him. With absolute contempt I spat the words, “I’d eat you alive.” The prosecutor during my trail tried to say that I meant these words literally—that I was a cannibal lacking nothing but a bone to put through my nose. Of course I meant nothing of the sort, and only someone who was intellectually challenged would have dreamed up such an allegation. What it meant was
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