Almost Mine (14 page)

Nick placed the bowl of ruined, melted ice-cream and apple pie onto the floor and repositioned himself so that he could look me in the eye. The intensity of his expression painfully knotted my stomach and I regretted opening my incredibly foolish mouth.

‘What did it say?’

‘Forget it,’ I shook my head. ‘I thought we’d get a laugh out of it, but, in hindsight it seems a little imprudent.’

‘I agree, but now that it’s out, you may as well fill me in completely.’

I stared pleadingly at him. ‘I don’t really want to now.’

‘Tell me anyway.’

‘He talked about the reason we were married…and he talked about our baby,’ I told him, hoping that mentioning the baby would explain enough.

‘And?’

Why on earth I thought this information would improve his mood was now beyond me. He was no less distracted, but on the verge of anger as his jaw clenched and his fingers balled in and out of his palms.

‘Nick,’ I soothed as I knelt beside him and rubbed his shoulders again.

‘Cate,’ he retorted as he shrugged my hands away.

Ok, then. Here goes. The lovely evening was now over.

‘He said the only reason I married you was because I was pregnant, and that you were the safer option.’ His shoulders unexpectedly relaxed.

‘I’m confused. That
is
why you married me.’ I was stunned. For Nick to be so matter-of-fact about this was a little jolting.

‘Nick!’ I berated him. He held my deer-in-headlights gaze with his unrepentant blue eyes that had turned an ominous shade of grey.

We remained side by side on the floor as we gave ourselves a few minutes to rethink everything that we wanted to say. I wanted to say ‘
what the hell has gotten into you
?’ And Nick seemed like he didn’t know what to say to me.

‘What’s wrong, Nick?’ I asked, but it went unanswered. I straightened myself, mostly to give off the illusion of bravery. I was still feeling ill at ease, his shallow breathing giving away a similar impression.

‘Oh I don’t know, Cate.’ He rubbed his face in his hands. ‘I didn’t like having you away and now you’re talking about Roy and the past and I guess all of this is just a little much to take at midnight.’

‘I don’t buy that.’ I dared him to tell me the truth.

‘I don’t know what else to tell you.’ He held my gaze again, and again we were quiet as we measured each other up. One of us was trying to uncover the truth behind the uncharacteristic evasiveness, and the other was doing his best to swallow down what was begging to be said. ‘It’s nothing, angel.’ He forced a smile to his lips that he knew I would also not buy. ‘Come on, it’s late. Let’s go to bed.’

I sighed with dissatisfaction and gave up. It really was getting late and I was tired. And I was home and that was all I cared about right now. The rest could wait until Nick’s conscience inevitably got the better of him.

‘Good holiday, love?’ my dad asked as I made my way across the back lawn from the side gate. The front door was locked of course; Jim didn’t need, however well-intentioned they may be, do-gooders popping in and out whenever they saw fit. There was no need to babysit him.

Succinctly I filled my dad in on my experiences in the sun, leaving out the Roy details. It would be a pointless exercise to include him in our conversation because Dad’s response, which was always the same disdainful response I received at even the utterance of Roy’s name, was already playing in my head.

‘How’d you go while I was away?’ I changed the subject.

‘Hmmph’

‘What?’

‘Nothing, love.’

I had already been given the rundown from Albert and Beth, who had dutifully checked on him just like I would have. I’d also learned through conspiratorially hushed tones that Nick had paid him a few visits, and on the night before I had returned home, the two of them had gotten themselves sufficiently drunk on scotch as they played poker till three in the morning. I understood why my Dad would have indulged in drenching himself in anaesthetising alcohol, but why would Nick? Dad was drowning out emptiness. What was it that Nick wanted to drown out?

‘I just didn’t want you to feel alone, that’s all,’ I apologised. ‘Hey, how was Nick while I was away? Since I’ve been home he’s been a little distant, cranky even.’

He paused before he spoke, and I understood that even if he said nothing in the way of an explanation, I knew that he knew something more. And I wanted in on the information that I obviously was not important enough to be privy to.

‘His wife was away, love,’ was all he said.

‘What happened during drunk poker?’ I prompted.

‘He missed you,’ he adamantly reiterated, with just the hint of a fatherly scolding, warning me not to push him. ‘Don’t read anything more into that.’

Oh he knew something more alright, but to find out just what that may be, I knew that I’d only find the truth in my husband and not the vault that was my Dad.

‘I’ll be back tomorrow. I’ll bring some groceries and things,’ I stood to leave. ‘Maybe by then you’ll have a bit more insight to share.’

‘Ok, love. See you then.’

When I returned home I found Nick in the office. Invoices and orders were strewn across the desk as Nick flipped through his organiser, and as I stood unnoticed in the doorway to the office, I watched him with apprehension.

Since my return two days ago, he had been behaving this way. He’d been closed off and short with me, busying himself with tasks that were not his responsibility, and as the days passed the unusual unease between us continued to worry me.

‘I said I’d take care of that, Nick.’ I watched him jump at the sound of my voice. He removed his fingers from his dark chocolate hair and sat back in his chair, watching me as I walked around to him. I perched myself on the edge of the desk, looking down at him as he looked up at me, unsmiling. But he wasn’t sad, or angry. He seemed panicked, terrified, bracing himself as if I may say something that would end him, and everything would come crumbling down.

‘Did you keep the letter from Roy?’ he asked, because I was too distracted to speak as I tried to decipher the frown lines that crinkled his handsome face, and what was written between them.

‘Why would I keep it?’ I answered the ridiculous question. ‘Would you have wanted to read it?’

‘I just wondered if you’d keep in touch with him.’

I almost laughed with relief. ‘Is that the reason for your mood? You’re worried that I’d seen Roy and decided to run off with him?’

‘I thought that maybe if he wanted you back that you might think of going. He can give you more than I can.’

‘Nick what is this about?’ He didn’t answer. The office chair rolled back across the wooden floor as Nick pushed himself up from it, stepping past me and to the door. ‘What is this about?’ I repeated, calling after him, and over his shoulder he told me all that he could.

‘I’m not the man you married.’ And then he stepped out, leaving me to further decipher his cryptic evasiveness. Then my brain snapped.

I am disposable.

Nick had found someone, someone who loved him. It explained the guilty scotch, the accusation of my own infidelity, and it explained the way he refused to meet my eyes. But no, I shook the thought out of my mind as quickly as it appeared. Surely he wouldn’t do that to me, would he? I scooted from the desk and followed him out. If he was going to treat me this way he could bloody well explain.

I spotted him striding toward the vineyard, kicking a stray bucket and sending it flying into the fence.

‘Nick!’ I called to him, but he either didn’t hear me or chose to ignore me as he continued to walk away. ‘Stop!’ I almost screamed. The urgency within my voice registered that time. He stopped, slowly turning to face me.

I watched him in an effort to read him. His expression was one of fear, and it held a resolute understanding, as if what was about to be said would be something that would bring finality to his fairytale. It was as if he knew that in less than thirty seconds, when I would confront him and demand the truth, that he would have no choice but to tell me. His eyes begged me not to take this further, and the slight, weak tilt of his head pulled a chord within me so much so that I almost cried for him.

He was begging me not to take those separating steps between us, and to be honest, I didn’t want to continue with my accusation of infidelity. Deep down I believed that an affair was not the issue, but as I slowly walked toward him, I felt that I just couldn’t let this go. I had to weed out the truth using the facts that I had before me, and if using them, even if they pointed toward something that was ridiculous and pointless, I would use them to force Nick to come clean on the real issue.

I stepped closer to him. His fingers clenched in and out of his palms and even from the short distance that separated us I could swear that I could see the thin layer of sweat
that coated them. Nick wasn’t being honest for once in his life and it was scaring the shit out of me.

‘Do you not want me? Is that it? You’d rather not have me around anymore?’ I met him where he stood.

‘I love you, Cate.’ He seemed astounded by my irrational choice of words. ‘Of course I want you.’

‘Then what?’

‘It’s not you, it’s me.’

‘
Oh please,
’ I sighed impatiently. ‘You’re better than that.’

‘No, it really is me…’ he reprimanded himself before saying any more. As his eyes dropped to the ground and his shoulders weakened further, I felt a sense of compassion for him, a sense of guilt that even if he did have an affair, I was to blame for his waywardness.

‘What Nick? What happened while I was away?’ I calmed slightly as I reached for his hand, looking expectantly up into his face, willing him into confession. ‘I’m your wife, please talk to me.’

The way he fought with himself to steady his quickened breath, swallowing his words back into his throat, was unnerving me to an extent that I almost convinced myself that what I was saying was true. ‘Who is she?’ I asked with a little more strength that I thought I had right now.

‘Cate,’ he warned as his unfathomable eyes widened, with what, I couldn’t decide.

‘Who, Nick?’ I repeated, releasing his hand. No reply. ‘Fine. You wanted me to trust you, and to treat you like a husband. So here I am; I am here for you, but still it’s not enough.’

He remained still and quiet.

‘Well, that’s it then. I have no choice but to think the worst of you.’

I stepped away from him. He didn’t follow me, and as I turned to see if he’d make any effort to explain himself, I saw him standing where I had left him, frozen to the spot as if that was the place he would remain until all of this magically disappeared. In my mind, I rewound to the exact moment when I had had that stupid idea to take an unnecessary break from each other, to that exact moment when I’d given him opportunity to break the heart that finally loved him.

I let myself in through the back door and found Dad sitting at his small, round dining table, his attention fully taken by the open paper placed in front of him. Even when I offered to make him a coffee he still seemed too engrossed in the news to pay any attention. Or maybe he was avoiding my eye contact. He knew something and I was sure as hell going to find out what it was. I made my own coffee and joined him, patiently waiting for him to notice that I was there.

With a sigh and a rustle of folding paper, Dad sat back in his chair ten minutes later.

‘Hello, love’ he smiled. ‘Come for a visit, hey?’

I nodded and drank down the last of my coffee.

‘Actually, I’ve come for some advice.’

His eyes narrowed and his lips pressed, as in,
please don’t involve me.

‘Nick’s had an affair,’ I told him as I watched him carefully. To add to my confusion, it was surprise that overtook his apprehensive expression. ‘While I was away he slept with another woman,’ I explained.

‘Did he tell you that?’

‘He didn’t have to, Dad. He’s hiding something from me and he didn’t deny it when I accused him. I can’t blame him. I’ve been a selfish, horrid wife to him and he deserves better than me. I’ve repaid him nothing of what he gave up to be with me.’ I sniffed back the tears that unexpectedly threatened to fall. I didn’t want to cry, to use fatherly guilt to extract an admission. It was my heart’s fault as it reacted to the implications of such an act. ‘The ironic thing is that I went away so we could give each other a break, and it was then that I discovered that I truly did love him like he wants me to. And I come back to discover that things have changed with him.’ The tears would not be held back any longer and fell helplessly. I dropped my head onto my folded arms that were now being dampened by my sadness.