Almost Mine (15 page)

‘There was no affair, love.’ Dad softened.

‘I honestly know that that’s true, but then why? Why did he drink himself into a state and why is he pushing me to leave him and be with Roy? Why isn’t he the man that he said I married? Why did he lead me to believe that he did have an affair? What else would be worth hiding from me? Why can’t he just be honest?’ I lifted my head to see my dad through blurry eyes. ‘I love him so much. Please tell me what happened while I was away,’ I begged.

‘There was no affair. Go and talk to your husband.’

‘
Please, Dad.
’

He shook his head and stood from the table and busied himself with anything but his emotional daughter. ‘This is for you and Nick to sort out. No marriage is mended through second hand information.’

‘But he told you, didn’t he? He told you something.’

‘No, love, he didn’t. I don’t ask questions, so I guess what I could give him was an escape from whatever is bothering him. Scotch can also give a person a great escape.’ Jim sat back at the table, surprising me when he took hold of my hand, his voice softening further. ‘Just go and talk to him. It won’t solve itself with you sitting in my kitchen, love.’

At the end of the day when everyone had left, the winery usually had a calming quietening about it. This evening was quiet, but lacked the calming atmosphere that I had hoped for. Nick was nowhere in sight, but as I made my way up the front steps to my home I saw his work boots kicked off beside the front door.

The house remained as quiet as the yard, so it took a deep breath before I could find the courage to ascend the stairs that led to our room. Maybe a splash of water on my warming face would help.

The landing led to our bedroom, along with the nursery that was situated next door, before our bedroom. As I walked past something caught my eye. It was Nick, sitting in the rocking chair as it faced out of the darkening window. His right hand slightly reached out as it slowly thumbed a soft knitted blanket that hung from the cot rail. His slow rocking and the creaking of the chair did nothing to give me away as I entered the room, coming to sit on
the hand-built toy box, just behind Nick’s left shoulder. It wasn’t until he sniffed quietly and wiped his eyes that I made myself known. I knelt down beside him and reached for his hand.

‘I didn’t have an affair,’ he said quietly.

‘I know that.’ I gave his hand a coaxing squeeze.

‘I would never…’ his eyes welled and it was hopeless to keep my own dry.

‘Then what happened while I was away from you?’

Nick refocussed on the vineyard outside the second storey window. I followed his gaze and immediately my attention was drawn to the blossom trees that held the most precious of memories for us. I smiled briefly.

‘Do you remember when we were seventeen…’ I began.

‘Of course I remember,’ he murmured.

‘We shared so much didn’t we? We were each other’s confidant, shoulder to cry on. We were able to say anything or do anything, knowing that judgement was not welcome between us.’ I scooted closer. ‘Please talk to me, Nick. It hurts to see you troubled like this.’

‘You’re hurt? My being like this hurts you?’ He seemed taken aback by the genuinely heartfelt tone in my voice. I scooted around the front of him, manoeuvring my hips between his knees, and he obliged by allowing me to scoot in further.

‘I know that you won’t agree with this, but seeing Roy was the best thing that could have happened to us. For the last few years I’ve been too busy trying to recreate what I thought love should be. But as I remembered what Roy and I had, and what you and I have now, I realised that one pales in comparison to the other.’ Tears welled in my eyes as I continued. ‘I love you, Nick. I’m madly, deeply
in
love with you and it took being taken back to those years, to see how immature that love was, to appreciate what I have right now.’

‘And now I’ve ruined everything.’ Nick wiped my dampening cheeks with his thumbs.

‘Please, talk to me,’ I urged him. He remained hesitant. ‘Tell me.’

He leaned forward in an effort to kiss me but I held him off. He sat back in the chair and dragged in a deep breath.

‘I saw Dr Crawford while you were away.’ He could barely drag his eyes to meet mine. The pain that he exuded from him was tangible, as if I was breathing in his regret as he breathed it out.

‘Dr Crawford…?’ I trailed off as my mind raced, attempting to grasp the implication that an unexpected visit to the family doctor would bring. ‘And?’ I asked bravely.

‘He ran some tests…’ he leaned forward again, his forearms resting on his thighs.

I gave him my hands as his gestured for them. Then he sucked the air out of the room as he dragged in a ragged breath. I think I knew what was coming. ‘I’m infertile, Cate.’

No, I immediately didn’t buy it. ‘Well that just can’t be right.’

‘It’s not impossible, but highly unlikely that I will get you pregnant again.’

The nursery was quiet, just like our breaking hearts that seemed to be draining of any hope of the future we both had been impatiently waiting for.

‘I’ll understand if you’d rather leave—’

‘Leave? Nick, why would I leave?’ I said incredulously.

‘Because you married me for babies and now I’m no use to you,’ he said matter-of-factly, now completely devoid of emotion.

‘Nick!’ I gasped.

‘I’m sorry, but that is what I promised you. It is why you married me in the first place.’ His tone, along with his briefly hardened eyes, softened as my shoulders slumped and my arms slackened in his lap. ‘What?’

‘I’m disappointed with myself.’

Nick snorted with derision. ‘You’re disappointed in
yourself
?’

‘You honestly think I’d rather be with Roy and have children than be with you and have none. I guess I’ve failed you in some way to make you think that what you can give me is more important than you alone.’

‘I promised you, Cate, and if you knew back then that I was infertile you would have never—’

‘Our first baby brought us together,’ I interrupted him before he could continue with this very true but now unnecessary train of thought. ‘I think that this next challenge will do nothing but build on the love that we have. It will make us stronger…would you please listen to me?’

Nick was shaking his head. ‘You were given a chance back then to rethink our relationship and now—’

‘Nick, stop!’ My voice rose in frustration.

‘I’ve been watching you for the past few years, and I know that having a child, a family, is the most important thing in the world to you. I just can’t believe that you’re willing to give up motherhood to stay here.’

Guilt weighed me down. It was time to come clean. I couldn’t allow him to feel that he’d ruined my life; I was more than capable of doing that on my own. I knew there was a chance that he was not the only reason for our infertility.

‘I want to tell you something.’

‘Anything.’

My throat ached in anticipation of what I was about to admit. He was looking at me so lovingly, so expectantly, believing that I could never voice anything as horrid as I was about to confess. But I was a cowardly fool. I just couldn’t do it.

‘I just want to tell you that I’m sorry that I’ve always placed such a heavy burden on you. I know that I’ve made things between us very testing over the years. But from now on, I’ll ease off. I’ll be a lot more relaxed. No pressure. I promise.’

He reached for me, held me tight. ‘I was just so petrified that you would give up on me. I’m not giving up. In fact, we have an appointment with Dr Crawford next week.’

‘Wait—’

‘Do you think a little setback is going to side-track me from my obligation to you?’ He shook his head. ‘No, I’m never giving up.’

How terribly sad that I had been so self-regarding that I’d tainted such a generous heart. I’d given him obligation? Burden? My chest began to constrict as it often did since I returned from Queensland and the heavy knot in the pit of my stomach painfully ascended to my heart.

‘Maybe we should just let this settle with us before we see Dr Crawford,’ I suggested.

‘We have all of the facts. The sooner we face what we are up against, the better.’

‘But—’

Nick stood and scooped me in his arms, holding me tighter than he had before.

‘I love you so much,’ he murmured resolutely before kissing me mercilessly, desperately seeking to prove to me just how much.

‘I love you too, Nick,’ I replied with the same vehemence…when he allowed me to get a word in.

Even though doctors tell you to relax during examinations and check-ups, there was something about the lifeless, sterile environment that made your nerves shiver under your skin.

We hadn’t been waiting long; we’d been promised that we wouldn’t have to, but Dr Crawford was thorough so we gladly waited patiently knowing we’d get the same meticulousness. He was not only popular for his professionalism, but because of his second-to-none bed-side manner; his approach was one of respect and courtesy as he would try as best as he could to explain ailments without sounding like an encyclopaedia. Plus, when you were being seen by him, it seemed that you were his only patient, and it was reassuring to know that you were in good, dependable hands.

Finally the door to his suite opened and he called our names.

Nick watched him as he shuffled papers and read through his file, and I got the distinct impression that he was biding his time. Dr Crawford wasn’t typically this quiet during my past appointments with him after the miscarriage, but up until now they’d mostly been to remedy the flu or to suture the odd flesh wound when I’d fallen from a tree when Nick and I had been exploring in the national park, nothing too dramatic. Today seemed different. Dr Crawford cleared his throat, I guessed, to prepare himself.

‘Ok, Nick, Cate,’ he began. He sat forward on his chair, forearms resting on the desk as he peered over his lowered spectacles. ‘As I began to go through with Nick last week, you have a very low sperm count and the limited sperm that you do produce don’t seem destined to be viable in the future. There were many abnormalities detected in your sample.’

‘So that means that he’s completely infertile?’ I asked.

‘No, not completely infertile, but the chances of the two of you conceiving a child naturally is very slim, almost impossible. And I.V.F. may prove fruitless too, because of the lack of viability of the remaining sperm that I just mentioned.’

‘But it has happened before.’ Nick finally spoke. ‘Should we have a valid reason to feel hope that it will happen again?’

‘I know this is hard to take, Nick, but I want to get everything out in the open. I don’t want to give you any
false
hope.’

‘There must be something we can do.’

‘The tests detected a high level of anti-sperm antibodies. That means that even when semen does make it into the female body, it attacks itself, dramatically lessening the chance of fertilisation.’

‘But she
has
been pregnant before,’ Nick reminded him, ‘so that means that it could happen again.’

I suddenly felt Dr Crawford focus his full attention on me as he stopped scanning the facts before him. ‘This is a very delicate question to ask.’

I predicted what was coming. ‘Go ahead.’

‘Is it possible that Nick was not the father of that baby?’

Then I had not one set of probing eyes awaiting my response but two, as it had obviously just occurred to Nick that perhaps he wasn’t. I answered Nick’s questioning gaze rather than the doctor’s.

‘Before you and I slept together, I hadn’t been intimate with Roy for at least a month.’

‘Was that protected intercourse with this Roy?’ Dr Crawford asked me, but I held Nick’s attention.

‘Not always. I’m sorry to be talking about this, Nick.’

He reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze.

‘So there’s no chance that it was Roy’s baby?’ It surprised me that it was Nick that had asked me.

‘I have no doubt that it was yours,’ I assured him.

As the united team that we were, we both looked back at Dr Crawford in agreement that we would never believe that this result was final. ‘So now we have no reason to think that it won’t happen again.’

‘It could, but let’s remember about false hope. I think that you’d be waiting for a long while; it still may take years. And by then, Cate could find it hard to get pregnant herself. A woman’s fertility slowly diminishes from around the age of twenty eight. It’s slow, but coupled with your sperm count and so forth, your chances would lessen further. Trust me Nick, I’ve been going over in my head every possible solution to this, but even after the ultrasounds, blood tests, along with the stringent testing of your sperm, I still cannot find an explanation as to how or why this has occurred.’ He flipped through paper work and medical journals as he spoke.

‘It’s ok.’

As hard as it was hear this type of news, it could not have been easy on Dr Crawford. He’d known both of us since we were babies, watching us grow: Nick, into a robust young man. And now, to basically emasculate him in this way must have been just as difficult for him. ‘So tell me where we go from here. How do I give Cate the chance to be a mother?’