ALWAYS FAITHFUL (6 page)

“No, don’t worry. It’s ok. That isn’t really the reason I’m not in a relationship now.” Pausing for a moment she wondered why she felt like telling Claire her reasons for not being involved. She hadn’t wanted to tell anyone, to open herself up like that and take the risk of appearing weak. Being with Claire felt different for some reason. Losing Mike meant she understood war better than most people, and because of that they had something in common.

“I was wounded in Iraq six months ago and lost my whole flight crew over there. I guess I haven’t felt like being back in the swing of things lately because of it.” She put another fork full of food in her mouth and began chewing, giving her a reason not to speak. She felt her stomach churn, not because of the food but because she didn’t want Claire’s pity. She didn’t know what she did want, but it sure as hell wasn’t her pity.

T
he silence quickly became uncomfortable as they both tried to figure out what to say next. Nic felt like she should say something to break the tension that had filled the room and to assure Claire that she was fine and didn’t need her pity.

“Wow, I didn’t know Nic. I’m so sorry, I—”

“Please, I don’t need your pity. I’m fine now.” She quickly cut Claire off with a negligent flick of her hand, refusing to look up from her plate. There it was- the start of the pity party starring Nic as the guest of honor. She winced at how harsh her tone was when she heard Claire gasp.
God, why do I have to be so quick to react to someone who’s just being nice?
She got up and followed Claire into the kitchen.

Without thinking, she grabbed Claire by the arms and whispered, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it to come out like that. It’s just that… well it’s just that I am so tired of people treating me differently when they find out what happened to me.”

“Well, you’re certainly capable of keeping people from being concerned, aren’t you? I mean….” Looking up she saw the hurt in Nic’s eyes, causing her to stop in mid-sentence. Her breath caught when she felt Nic’s thighs brush her own as Nic held her close. She looked at her feet and instantly regretted her own tone. “I’m sorry, Nic. I was out of line just now. I know you don’t need my pity. In fact, I’m sure you’re a pretty strong woman because of what you’ve been through. I just thought that… well I guess I don’t know what I thought.”

“Please, let’s sit down and I can explain. Besides, I’m still a little hungry,” she said, hoping to lighten the mood. She let go of Claire’s arms and stepped back, trying to quell the butterflies in her stomach and calm her pulse. She liked the way Claire’s body felt so close to her own. Close, but not close enough.

Claire refilled the half-eaten plate and put it in the microwave. She turned around and watched Nic take a deep breath and relax a bit as they exchanged glances once again.

Claire didn’t know why it mattered what this woman thought, but it did. She didn’t want Nic thinking she was a pushy military wife who thought she should be catered to. One who couldn’t take care of herself. One who didn’t need comfort….

“Can we start over again?” asked Nic as she reached into the microwave before Claire could get there.

“No,” said Claire, “why don’t we start where we left off? You were going to explain and I was going to keep my big mouth shut.”

Nic wanted to argue that Claire had a beautiful, kissable mouth. She wondered where that train of thought kept coming from as she tried to regain her composure. It was clear that she was losing her objectivity when it came to this
inform
and she didn’t know why or what was possessing her to take such a personal interest. She took a deep breath and reminded herself to be professional.

Nic walked back to the couch and sat waiting for Claire to join her before she divulged her story. She wondered if it was wise to tell Claire her tale, since it would likely mirror Mike’s experience and give Claire a bleak image of Mike’s last moments. No, it might not be wise, but she had opened the door, and it felt wrong to push Claire away by not answering her honestly.

Nic spoke so softly that Claire had to lean in to hear the soft words as they came rushing out. “I was flying medivac in Iraq. It was just a routine flight. We had done it a hundred times.” She felt herself drifting into the dreamlike state that came when she relived the accident. Her body reacted to the surreal feeling of flying, just like the day of the accident.

“We were returning to the airbase where we dropped off our wounded and pretty much treated it like a routine flight, which was our mistake. We weren’t watching for anything out of the ordinary. We were talking about what we were going to be doing when we all returned home in a few months. I remember one of my guys had gotten a letter from home telling him he was going to be a dad again. He was so happy with the news, and was telling us he was hoping for a son this time.”

Nic stared into space, every feeling and smell as fresh as it had been the day it happened. Tears rested on her lashes, waiting to be let free. Claire put a hand on her knee, squeezing it gently.

“Anyway, we were starting to bank towards the airfield when it happened. We were hit with a missile round about 200 feet off the deck. The explosion hit the back compartment of the helicopter killing most of my crew and dropping us like a lead balloon. All I remember was hearing a loud explosion, seeing a bright light, and then waking up on the ground with a shooting pain in my back and hips. I smelled something burning around me and then I could feel heat on my back. So I tried to move but I was pinned by the exhaust pipe of the chopper. I guess when it exploded it threw me and the crew in every direction and blew up the chopper into a thousand pieces. I realized that the burning smell was my flight suit melting and that if I didn’t do something quick I was screwed. I tried standing again but it was no use, so I tried rolling to my side, which is what made my injuries worse. When I rolled, my broken hip punctured through my skin and I started bleeding. However, when I rolled I was able to dislodge the exhaust pipe from on top of me, pretty much taking my flight suit with it and leaving me with second and third degree burns. I don’t know how I survived, and no one that looked at the crash site can tell me how I survived. I was the only one that did.”

By now Nic was sweating, her t-shirt looking like she had just run ten miles, and she was breathing hard. She was trying to control the tears that threatened to fall but was having no luck. They streamed down her face like tiny tributaries. She always lost control when she recounted the story, and until now, she had never told the story outside her therapist’s office for that very reason. Her tight rein on her emotions was slim at best. As long as she compartmentalized the events she was fine. She took a deep breath and tried to control her breathing, fearing she looked like a wild animal. She didn’t want to scare Claire and she was afraid that if she looked up she would once again be faced with the look of pity that she hated.

Taking a deep breath she focused on Claire’s hand on her knee and finished her story. “I was airlifted to Germany where I was stabilized and then moved to the States for the surgery to repair my badly damaged hip and to treat my burned back. It was a long process and I wasn’t able to tell my crew goodbye. The funerals and memorials were done and over with before my surgeries and burn treatments were healed. It took a long time for me to come to terms with what happened over there. To be honest, I’m not sure I ever will, but I’m working on it. The military makes me see a shrink and talk about it and I still have to do rehab, but now I’m down to once a week. I just got released to ride my motorcycle so that helps, too. Now you know why I’m not involved with anyone. Why would anyone want to take on an old war horse like me?” She laughed wryly, hoping she didn’t sound as cynical as she felt.

“I can understand what you’re going through with Mike because I’ve been there. It’s different, I know, since he was your husband, but I loved the members of my crew like family. I was the pilot. It was my job to get them out of there. I failed them, and I survived.” Nic brushed the tears from her face in an angry swipe, irritated that she had let the story get the better of her in front of someone she was supposed to be comforting in the face of her own loss.

Nic watched as Claire moved closer, touching her shoulder.

“Sorry,” Claire said quickly when Nic jumped, “is that the shoulder that is injured?”

She was used to the standoffish nature of the shrink’s demeanor. It helped keep her focused. Instead, she was staring at Claire’s long, perfect hand on her knee and trying to ignore the sudden desire that coursed through her. Claire’s closeness was overwhelming and unsettling.

Nic cleared her throat and tried to control her breathing. Claire moved her hand and despite herself, Nic felt a sense of loss at the break in contact. Then Claire softly touched her shoulder instead and Nic jumped like a nervous rabbit.

“Um, actually it’s my back. You can probably see the long bandage that I wear to protect the scar.” Pointing to her injured left side she shifted so Claire could see her back and then looked over her shoulder, gauging Claire’s reaction. Watching Claire’s eyes travel her back she shivered slightly and sat up a bit straighter.

“Oh, right, I see it now. I guess I never noticed it before. Does it still hurt?”

“The scar or the hip?”

“Both. I noticed you don’t walk with a limp. Was it bad? The hip surgery, I mean.”

“Well I guess in the grand scheme of things not too bad. A lot of rehab and hard work is the reason I don’t limp. The surgeons said it would be at least six months before I would walk, the injury was so bad, but I couldn’t stand being laid up that long, so I worked hard to get on my feet again. I have a total hip replacement in there, ball and socket. So, I should be good to go for about 10 years, if I take care of it and don’t abuse it. I can do pretty much anything I did before.” Suddenly feeling like a jerk, Nic apologized again. “Look, I am sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have jumped on you like that. You didn’t know.”

“Nic, please don’t apologize again. I see now that you know exactly what I’m going through and I should be the one to apologize. It is none of my business what happened or why you’re single. I’m truly sorry. Can you forgive me for being so intrusive?” Suddenly that was the only thing that mattered to Claire. This person not only understood what she was going through but she had been through it herself and survived. She felt like an ass and wanted so desperately to find a way to make it up to Nic.

“Don’t give it a second thought. Let’s talk about something else, shall we?”

“Okay, so you were saying that you ride a motorcycle. Can I see it?”

“Sure, it’s right out front, but will the baby be ok?” she asked, concerned about leaving Grace alone. She didn’t want to seem like she didn’t care about the child’s safety.

“I’ll take the baby monitor with us. That way we can hear her if she wakes up. I’ll be right back.”

Watching Claire walk away, she was relieved to be off the subject that still caused her so much pain. She chastised herself for her outburst at Claire.
She was being polite and just making conversation,
Nic told herself. Looking up, she saw that Claire had grabbed the walkie-talkie like device that would alert them if Grace woke-up and was heading towards her.

“Ready Major?”

“When you are, ma’am,” she said laughing. She chuckled at the exaggerated exuberance Claire was showing as they walked out to view her bike. She wondered if Claire had ever ridden a motorcycle before or if she just liked to look. She walked out and grabbed her keys to the machine so that she could show off its raw power. It was hard to find a woman that wasn’t afraid of a motorcycle, let alone to find someone who liked to ride. Any woman Nic was involved with had to at least like to ride behind her, otherwise they were doomed as a couple. A few women Nic dated had said they liked to ride, or at least thought they liked it. However, when push came to shove they were too scared to get on the back. Maybe that was a metaphor for Nic’s love life? It was something she had to think about, but not right now. Right now she just wanted to show Claire her ride, her sanctuary, her respite when the world closed in on her.

“Wow Major, nice ride. Have you been riding long?” Claire asked as she looked over the chrome marvel. She was walking around it as if it was an object she had never seen before, remarking on its custom paint job and aftermarket chrome package that Nic spent hours polishing. It was obvious that it was Nic’s baby. The attention to detail was amazing and impressive. Claire walked around the bike asking an assortment of questions, surprising Nic.

“So have you ridden before, Claire?” she asked, expecting the pat answer of
No but I would like to some day,
that she always got from women.

“Actually Nic, you could say that.” Turning, Claire motioned for Nic to follow her to the garage. Hitting a button and watching the door open Claire turned to watch Nic’s reaction when the door was fully raised. Inside stood a fully-dressed cruiser, with a custom paint job, and all the chrome a person could handle polishing.

“Holy shit! Is this Mike’s bike?” she asked, running her fingers over the seat.

“Excuse me?” Claire said quietly.

Realizing her mistake by Claire’s tone Nic quickly back peddled. “Oh. Sorry, I just assumed that—”

“What, Major? That women don’t have their own rides? Or that we only ride bitch, except for those self-anointed few like yourself that are strong minded and self-sufficient enough to ride without a man? No, I ride and Mike didn’t.” Claire crossed her arms over her chest and glared at her.

Nic definitely knew she had struck a nerve with Claire, and felt its sting in both her words and her body language. She suddenly understood that there was so much she didn’t know about Mike and his wife, which wasn’t surprising, actually. But when it came to Claire, she was learning she liked surprises. She found herself doing exactly what Claire had just done, walking around Claire’s bike in appreciation.