Am I Boring My Dog? (18 page)

If a groomer is sufficiently gentle—and doesn’t use scary equipment—your dog shouldn’t need to be tranquilized. Some clients allow their dogs to be sedated, which is their prerogative (see later discussion), albeit one that should be used very sparingly. Some groomers, however, don’t ask—and don’t tell. That constitutes practicing medicine without a license and without permission from the patient’s guardian. If your dog is allergic to them, tranquilizers can be as dangerous as cage dryers.

Imagine waiting in a doctor’s office all day with other equally stressed out patients, many of whom are yelling at each other and at the receptionist. Loud, frightening noises are coming from places that you can’t see. And oh, yes, you can’t stretch your legs or get up to go to the bathroom. Why would you want to subject your dog to that? A good groomer should stagger appointments so that your dog is worked on and available to be picked up as quickly as possible. Two hours, total, is ideal; up to half a day is reasonable. A full day—fuggedaboudit. Taking your dog to a groomer isn’t, as some owners seem to regard it, a way to get free dog sitting.

If you’re just getting your dog’s nails clipped and/or anal glands expressed, it’s reasonable to ask if you can wait; it shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes, total. I never leave Frankie at a groomer; he’s a shy little guy and it would make us both unhappy.

So how do you find a good groomer, then?

Ask your vet, neighbors, friends, and family members for recommendations.

Drop in unannounced and say you’re looking for a new groomer and want to look around. If you’re not allowed into the area where the grooming is done, leave.

Things to look for while you’re checking the place out include:

Don’t only chat with the owner, but also with the groomer who’s likely to be working on your dog. Because a license may not be required, you can’t ask a staff member to produce one, but you can ask her about the type and length of her experience and what inspired her to choose the profession (“I just got out of the slammer and this was the only job I could get without references” is not among the correct answers). You can also ask about her grooming philosophy; she doesn’t have to quote Emmanuel Kant, only tell you how she feels about what works best for her canine charges.

In the end, trust your gut—and your dog. If you’re feeling uneasy and your usually calm, outgoing pup starts shaking and whimpering, try somewhere else.

You, in turn, have a responsibility to be honest about your dog—both with a potential groomer and with yourself. Of course you have the best dog in the world, but face it, others might (irrationally, naturally) find him intimidating. When a groomer discusses possible scenarios with you—how your dog responds to his feet being touched, for example—tell the truth. Some dogs are generally polite but go ballistic when confronted by strangers with shiny instruments. A good groomer will tell you whether or not she is equipped to handle the type of behavior you describe—or ask you if it’s okay to use tranquilizers. These should be a last recourse, and you should only use a type to which you know your pup is not sensitive. Still, if your dog is in danger of being condemned as a public health hazard, sedation might be in everyone’s best interest.

Alternatively, and even if you have a perfectly well-behaved pup, you may want to have a groomer come to you; this is an especially good option for fearful and elderly dogs (and owners). Among other benefits, it eliminates waiting, cage drying, and unobserved meanness. Mobile grooming vans are common in many cities, but they generally require a water hookup, which means they can’t service urban high-rises or even many suburban apartment complexes. If you don’t mind a temporary mess, most groomers who are willing to make house calls would also be willing to use your bathroom as a workspace, and even to clean up afterward.

I don’t think they’ll inflict psychological damage, if that’s what you’re asking. Many dogs love the attention they get when they’re well turned out. And they really can’t tell whether you’re laughing at them or laughing with them.

I wish I could be as certain about the health issues involved. According to some vets, fast-drying nail polish brands especially formulated for dogs are safe. Although dogs don’t bite their nails, I would definitely avoid using human varnish, which contains (even more?) toxins.
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I haven’t found any permanent hair dyes that are recommended for canine use. Plant dyes such as henna that wash out should be safe, though reddish-brown is not an especially sought-after hue. Food coloring is fine for special occasions, too. If at all practicable, however, I would suggest a hairpiece instead. Some especially designed for pups—see wigglesdogwigs. com, for example—not only come in bold colors, but allow your dog to change her hairdo with her mood.

Dogs aren’t shy about letting you know if they hate you; they tend to let their teeth do the talking when they’re really upset. Dogs who are less categorically opposed but still unwilling to be clothed might squirm vigorously or run away. So if your dog allowed you to dress him in the first place, expressing only mild irritation or even approbation, you can assume you’re in the clear. Dogs don’t hold grudges in any case.

Some purists think dogs should never be dressed, including humorist Fran Lebowitz. “If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater … suggest that he wear a tail,” she wrote.

I think that’s a bit harsh. Few dogs earn their keep these days. A little harmless couture modeling in exchange for room and board seems reasonable. Of course, it would also depend on the outfit and the occasion. If you’re dressing him for Santa Barbara’s annual Big Dog parade, say, your dog would be in good company, and probably enjoy the interaction with other natty canines. But itchy attire like frilly tou-tous wouldn’t be appreciated under any circumstances, a fact to which your pooch will doubtless alert you.

Functional clothing is another matter entirely.

If you have a dog, such as a Chihuahua, who’s bred in a warm climate, a light wrap for a night chill is always appropriate. And in parts of the Southwest where asphalt temperatures can rise higher than 110°F during the day, booties aren’t a fashion statement, but essential protection for sensitive footpads. Cold climate dogs also benefit from being shod. Not only do shoes keep pups from slipping on ice and from getting snow between their toes, but they serve as a buffer against the caustic products used to melt the white stuff. And sometimes clothing is dictated by work conditions. Police dogs in Dusseldorf, Germany, wear blue plastic shoes to protect their feet from the broken glass created by revelers in the city’s many pubs and caught between beer-soaked cobblestones. Why blue? To color-coordinate with the police uniforms, of course.

Let’s see …

You may think your dog would never run out into traffic—until she does, at which point it’s too late to wish you’d trained her to respond immediately to a recall. And if your dog bites a stranger or two, no matter what the provocation, there’s a strong possibility she’ll have to be euthanized. Training may not reverse your dog’s impulse to chomp down when frightened, but it can help you read the warning signs and to keep her out of potentially dangerous situations.